Chapter 7: No Angel – Beyoncé

'No, I'm not an angel either, but at least I'm trying.

I know I drive you crazy, but would you rather that I be a machine

Who doesn't notice when you late or when you're lying?

I love you even more than who I thought you were before.'

You find yourself at a fairground a few nights later. You wonder how you always manage to get yourself in these awkward situations but you can't figure it out.

Amy is next to you, holding Reagan's hand and sneaking curious glances at you. You both haven't spoken anymore about that night but you know you need to, at some point. You both can't keep burying these things and hoping for the best.

Danny is next to you being her charming self, arm thrown over your shoulder. You wish you could feel for her half of what you feel for Amy but you know, you know that Amy is the only one for you. Nobody else could ever compare, nobody else could match the years upon years that have bridged the gap between you until you became one, became soul mates.

"So, Karma, Ferris Wheel first or last?" Danny asks, breaking the awkward silence between you both. Reagan relaxes and Amy doesn't take her eyes off of you.

"Last." Amy responds before you can and just shrugs at the frown on Reagan's face.

"Yeah, she's right. So, hey, I'm hungry, why don't we go eat?" you say, responding to the weird look Danny throws your way and pointing to a place in front of you. You head towards it without waiting for a response but catch sight of the smug look on Amy's face.

You guess you're not the only one that gets jealous easily.

The others follow and you really wish you weren't here. This was such a bad idea and you shouldn't have let Danny talk you into it. But you wanted to show Reagan that you're moving on. You wanted to show Amy that she doesn't have to pick you, doesn't have to lose someone who's so much better than you.

Reagan is stunning. She's clever, she's funny, she's carefree…she's everything you're not and never could be. You're not surprised Amy likes her so much and that's why you're making an effort. That's why you're trying to be the bigger person and not get in the way of their relationship, even if Amy makes it so difficult for you. You're immature, you're insecure and you know Amy doesn't need that in her life beyond friendship, no matter what she thinks.

You exhale and breathe in the sweet smell of food. Amy loves this place and you know it.

You find an empty table and before you know what's happening, Amy sits down beside you. Reagan rolls her eyes and sits opposite Amy and Danny just sits down with a shrug and begins to read the menu.

"So, Karma says you're a DJ?" Danny says.

"Yeah." They turn their bodies to face each other. You wish you had a voice as sexy as Reagan's. That husky tone really is something.

"That's pretty cool. I'm in a band. Music's a big thing for me." You fully tune into the conversation as soon as music is mentioned and try to participate.

"Oh, what kind of music do you play?" you say, excited as ever to find a fellow musician.

"All kinds. You have to listen to everything to find what you like, right?" She turns to speak more to Reagan but you're completely distracted by the hand running up your leg, dangerously close to where you want it, dangerously close to being indecent. You place your hand on top of Amy's and hold it there. Warmth is spreading from your thigh through every inch of your skin.

This is wrong. She shouldn't be doing this and you shouldn't allow but you know you're defences are already weakening. You can't resist the love of your short life.

You take a deep breath and turn to her with a questioning frown. She moves her hand away, slowly as Danny begins to talk to her but you notice the smile clearly thrown in your direction. Reagan is frowning and you wonder if she knows, even though the moment was hidden behind the table.

You shift in your seat and try to stop your skin from blushing. You've never been good with awkward, never been good with hiding stuff and now you're forced to do it so often.

Why is Amy doing this? You're trying to be good, trying to be the best person you can be for her but she won't let you.

"Hey, idiot. What do you want to eat? Chicken burger, salad and mayo with a water, like usual?" Amy says, smiling softly in your direction and halting your thoughts. You smile awkwardly.

"Yeah, sounds good."

"Okay, well, me and Amy will go order food," Danny says, nodding her head in the direction of the counter. You watch them both walk, side by side and can't help noting the differences. They're not each other and maybe that's a good thing. Maybe this will help you move on.

You sigh and begin to play with the corners of the menu, trying to think of something to say, something to do to relieve the tension between you both.

"How's work been?" you ask and internally groan and Reagan just smirks.

"Same as usual. Can't complain…too much." You smile. This is something. You're both talking and not arguing with one another. Progress has been made, even though the night hasn't ended and there's so much that could go wrong.

"That's good."

"Yeah." You continue playing with the menu until you spot it and freeze. "Oh, no." Reagan looks around, confused and you scramble to get up and to get to Amy.

You're breathless by the time you reach her and she throws a confused look your way when you begin to pull her by the arms. You feel her tense and you know, you know that's when she spotted the big red shoes, the big red hair, the big red nose. You need to get her out…she really, really doesn't like clowns.

Reagan is still sitting in her seat and Danny is standing by the counter, frown in place and ordering food for you all.

You don't care that you look a little crazy, that you look a little flustered. Amy needs you to get her out of here, she needs you to protect her for once and by God, you're going to do it.

You keep pulling on her arm but she's frozen, eyes wide and shaking. You hold her face in your hands and begin to softly talk to her.

"C'mon, princess. Just focus on me and we'll get out of her, yeah?" She nods but makes no effort to move. "C'mon," you say, encouraging her. You rub her cheek with one of your thumbs and move the other one down to hold her hand and begin walking backwards to the door. "That's it." She follows, on auto-pilot.

You can almost feel the glare Reagan must be throwing your way but you don't care. You only have eyes for Amy. Nobody else matters, not when she needs you like this.

You relax as you exit the place. You feel the tension leave Amy and she exhales for…like, the first time since she saw him enter.

You briefly remember standing face to face with Amy like this before, when your mother thought it'd be a good idea to hire a clown for your eighth birthday party. You quickly told her to never do that again and kicked the guy out, once you'd managed to calm Amy down and get her to your room.

You've always been protective, always had attitude when she's needed you to and that doesn't stop now.

"What the hell?" Reagan says, bursting through the door and shattering the peace you'd just manage to get.

"I-I," Amy stammers.

"She's scared of clowns, that's all. Why is there even one here?" You question. Reagan gives you the side-eye before stepping closer to Amy.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. Karma got me out, it's fine." You see it. You see the jealousy from Reagan again but you can't help that you know Amy better. And you wouldn't stop being so protective just to please Reagan. That would never happen for anyone.

You'll always look after your princess.

Amy breathes, taking in deep breaths and looking wildly around to make sure there's no more of them.

"Hey, hey. It's okay. Me and Reagan are here, okay?" you say, looking her in the eyes and squeezing her hand you're yet to let go of. She nods her head in response.

"Right, right. Oh, Danny. Hey, Rea, can you go sit with her and let me and Karms know when it's gone?" Reagan frowns…again…it seems like that's her instant response to anything involving you but you didn't ask her to do that. In fact, you'd expect Amy to ask you to do that, instead.

"Sure," she says, shrugging and walking back into the mayhem. You hope Danny is okay and that she understands but the thought leaves your mind as soon as Amy speaks.

"Thanks."

"You know you don't need to thank me, princess." You bump shoulders with her and she smiles. "How many times have you looked after me?" She shrugs and smiles softly at you, still silent. You can't take the quiet for long, not after how awkward your friendship has been and so you ask: "What's going on in there?" tapping the side of her head with your index finger.

"You look beautiful," she says, as if it's just a simple fact of life. You try not to smile like you want to, try to ignore the butterflies in your stomach but it's hard. It's so, so hard.

"Thanks." You clear your throat and tap your toes into the ground. "Listen, we need to talk about what happened. I mean, nothing has to change between us but you can't keep doing things and saying things like that."

"Like what?"

"Like the touching and the compliments and stuff." She grabs your shoulders and you look at her.

"I always have and always will compliment you. You look beautiful tonight and I will tell you because it's the truth and I didn't mean the touching like that. I just…I just wanted to remind you that I was there….I just felt a little left out." She looks away and shrugs. You touch her lower arm and begin to speak but she gets there before you. "I didn't realise that it was so-that it would-that it would look like that…like sexual until I'd already done…it." You can't help but smile at the awkwardness she encompasses.

"It's okay. But maybe tone down the touching. I-we both know how I feel and it really doesn't help me, especially with Reagan and Danny being there."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"Don't be, stupid. It's okay and don't ever feel left out or like you need to remind me you're there. You always have my attention." She looks away and smiles. You note the light blush colouring her cheeks and you can't help but let out a small giggle.

"Shut up, idiot." She pulls you into a one armed hug and you feel lighter, feel better than you have in so long. You're not hiding from her, anymore. You're not hiding and she's not running and having her wrapped around you makes everything better, makes everything good again. She crinkles her brow and nose as she places her forehead on yours and you can't help copying.

That's how Reagan finds you when she comes to tell you the clown has left and the food is ready. Amy slowly pulls away and you walk ahead of the couple, ignoring Reagan's glare and spotting Danny. Lovely, sweet Danny that's smiling so beautifully in your direction.

There's no denying it. You must love Amy so much to not want this beautiful girl. This beautiful girl that is sexy and intelligent and attentive and not your princess.

"Hey," you say, sitting down next to Danny and shooting her a smile.

"Hey, pretty lady. Reagan explained what happened but I couldn't wait for ya. I was so hungry," she laments and you smile.

"It's okay. Now where's mine?" you ask and she moves the food around, placing yours in front of you. You take a bite and moan at the taste. Danny and Amy smirk and Reagan glares, once again. You guess the progress from before has gone but right now, there's nothing you can do about it and so you shrug it off and dig in. "This is so good."

"Karms, you always have the same thing."

"I know and there's a reason for it." Amy shakes her head and rolls her eyes before digging into her own meal.

You start to hum along to the quiet music as you catch the sound of John Lennon's voice, belting out Twist and Shout.

"Well, shake it up baby, now," Amy sings in a very off key pitch. You can't help but smiles as she sings one of your favourite songs in her playful manner. Even Reagan smiles at her antics.

You can't remember the last time you had so much fun and felt so free. You know it would have been with Amy and shrug off the sad memories of why it's taken you so long to feel this with her again.

And that's when you re-affirm your vow to yourself.

You'll do anything for her happiness, even give up your own. There's nothing you wouldn't do for her.

She carries on singing and even though it's bad, even though she doesn't sing a note in key, it's like music to your ears and to your soul.