Chapter 12: Unthinkable – Alicia Keys

'Moment of honesty.

Someone's gotta take the lead tonight, who's it gonna be?

I'm gonna sit right here and tell you all that comes to me.

If you have something to say, you should say it right now.

You give me a feeling that I never felt before.

And I deserve it, I think I deserve it.

It's becoming something that's impossible to ignore.

And I can't take it.

I was wondering maybe, could I make you my baby?

If we do the unthinkable, would it make us look crazy?

If you ask me I'm ready.

If you ask me I'm ready.'

You're staying with Amy. You're in her room.

They let you out of hospital a few days ago but you knew you wouldn't be able to stay home for long. Your father couldn't cope with looking after you and your mother and Amy was always there so, as Farrah said: 'it makes sense for you to come home with us. We'll look after you and Amy won't worry so much.'

You guess it works double. If you're here then Farrah gets to see her daughter. She also gets to convince said daughter to go back to school whilst she stays home and looks after you. That's one of the main reasons you agreed. You didn't want to put anyone out. It's bad enough that you need to be looked after let alone inconveniencing a whole other family but for Amy you would. She needs to be in school, learning, bettering herself. She's so, so intelligent, she can't let that slip just for you. Even if she pouted adorably all morning and gave you the sad eyes it took all of you strength to ignore. You're not worth the trouble, you're really not.

The dreams, they haven't left. The thoughts, the doubts, the hurt, it's all still there and every day, Amy's smile, Amy's voice, her laugh pushes all the bad away for a little while but you need to do something. You need to find a way to get over…everything so that she can be happy, so that Reagan can make her happy in ways you know you can't.

Reagan. Reagan who's so pretty, so talented, so not you.

That's why you're sitting here, in Amy's room, in her bed, watching the stars and counting down the minutes until she gets home. You're not a fan of Math but there's something about numbers that helps to distract you, helps you to meditate and empty you're mind…until it doesn't.

That's why you're here, frozen still as you hear Reagan's voice drift closer and closer.

"Aims, I brought you your favourite donuts. Don't say I don't love you." She opens the door and you look at her, eyes wide just like your mouth. She freezes for a minute before stepping into the room.

"Er-Hi." She fakes a grin and waves her hand in the air in response.

"Hi. Amy said she was back home again and I thought-I thought that since school finished half an hour ago, she'd be back already."

"Yeah. I-Maybe she got held up." You shrug and the weight of awkwardness presses down on you. "Sorry. She'll be back soon. Why don't you wait here?" You pat the empty spot next to you.

"No. It's okay. I'll come back…some other time."

"No. You should stay. I know I've been taking up all of her time." You look down. "I'm sorry. But you should wait, she'll be happy to see you and you should spend some time together." Reagan frowns and walks slowly over before sitting down.

"Spend some time together? How? I mean, no offense but you're no exactly going anywhere."

"I can-I can go talk to Farrah or watch TV or something. I mean, I'll need someone to help me down the stairs-wait. No, I think I can do it." You nod once, defiantly. You know you have it in you to make it down the stairs alone. It's a personal challenge, one Amy hasn't let you tackle yet. "Yeah, no. When Amy gets here, I'll go downstairs and you guys can talk. Didn't you know I was here?"

"No, Amy—"

"You're not walking down those stairs on your own. I told you this morning and I'll tell you again," Amy says, throwing open the door and pausing when she spots Reagan. "Hey Rea."

"Hey, how's it going? It's been a while."

"I know. I'm sorry about that but Karms needed me." Amy throws her bag on the floor beside where you lay and you watch her walk around the room. She runs her hands through her hair and sighs. "I'm sorry." She shrugs and Reagan sighs.

"It's okay. I understand, I'm not mad…I just-why don't you talk to me anymore? You never call, hardly ever reply to my messages."

"Er, guys. I think-I think I should go."

"You're not going downstairs alone, idiot."

"I wasn't going to. I need a shower. I can do that alone." Amy rolls her eyes.

"Right but you know the rules."

"Yup. No locked door and keep the casts covered. Got it. It was nice seeing you, Reagan. I'm sorry I take so much of your girlfriend's time up." You shrug. "I'll try keep out of the way more." You turn and head to the door, hobbling on your one crutch and clutching your arm to your chest. It's tiring and you know Amy's dying to help but she knows not to. You can do this. You're not as weak as people think.

"That's okay. Hey, Karma." You stop and turn to face Reagan. "I'm-I'm real glad you're okay." You smile.

"Me too. Now go make up and eat some donuts." Amy stares at you and you roll your eyes. "I'll call if I need you," you groan out and she smiles, her face softening as she looks at you.

"You better. I'll be here if you need anything, okay, shorty?"

"I'm not short," you shout back, shutting the door and giving them privacy.

You hate it, hate that you have to share your soulmate but Amy's not yours and you need to remember that, you have too.

"Stupid fucking towel," you say, trying to stretch and reach it but you can't. It slipped at some point as you were taking a shower and you can't bend down to reach it…but that doesn't stop you from trying.

You hear Amy and Reagan talk-shouting and try to tune them out. You shouldn't listen in. Amy will talk to you if she needs your help.

You catch sight of the blue towel and narrow your eyes, focusing on reaching it as you stretch your arm out.

It's when you hear a loud bang and feel the pain running down your side and broken arm that you realise you're such an idiot sometimes.

"Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck." You hold back the tears as your arm starts to burn. What if you've done more damage? What if it takes you even longer to get better? The tears start to fall and you swallow every self-deprecating word that's dying to leave your lips.

Amy will be pissed.

What're you going to do? You can't call Amy, she's with Reagan and they really need to talk. They need to make up and be together so your heartache is worth something. And besides, you know Reagan is better.

You roll over as best you can and clutch your broken arm to your chest. Your ribs burn a little where you know there's a large bruise and your skin stings where cuts have opened up. You grit your teeth and try to calm your mind and think of what to do. "

There's no need to panic, you'll be fine," you whisper to yourself, focusing on your breathing and meditating through your mantra.

"Hey, are you okay?" you hear Lauren of all people shout through the door leading to her room. Her locked door. Fuck.

You know Amy's going to find out but you hope you can find a way to put that off for now. Maybe Lauren, sneaky, sneaky Lauren will have a way to open her lock and help you up before Amy knows something's wrong.

You know their arguing stopped either of them from hearing you fall and you're grateful for that. Amy doesn't need to worry about you right now and you really don't want to be pulled into that mess at the moment.

"She's hurt, of course I'm gonna focus on her."

"But I'm your girlfriend. I just want to know you're alive, sometimes."

You shake your head. They really do not need an interruption.

You drag yourself to Lauren's door and lean against it, out of breathe from each painful pull of your body that you forced yourself to endure.

Amy's right, you really are too stubborn and stupid for your own good. Yet another reason why you aren't right for Amy, perfect, perfect Amy.

You take a deep breath and rest your forehead against Lauren's door.

"Hey," you semi-whisper and hope Lauren hears.

"Karma?"

"Yeah, be quiet, Amy might hear."

"And that's bad why?"

"Reagan."

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh. So—" You wince and try to hold your ribs. "So, I need your help. Can you open your door?"

"Why can't I just walk through Amy's?"

"I don't want her to know."

"That's stupid. She'll find out."

"Yeah, but not yet."

"Urgh, you two are so stupid sometimes." You chuckle and hiss as it hurts.

"I know but please, can you get in here? I fell."

"You fell?"

"Shh. Keep it down."

"Karma, you're already hurt and you've fallen. You could have done some serious damage so excuse me if I think you should tell my sis-Amy about it."

"I'm fine. A little sore but I'll live." She screams and you hear some commotion coming from her room.

"Stupid people. I'm surrounded by stupid people who do stupid things and think they're protecting stupid people. Urgh. Stupid, stupid, stupid." The door clicks open at the end of her little speech and you exhale. "Karma. Fuck. I thought you said you were fine."

"I am," you say, looking up at Lauren's profile. She's standing with her arms on her hips and you almost smile at her power stance. It's the glare she's giving you that stops you.

"Yeah, you look it. There's blood everywhere and I can see you've hurt your ribs." You move your hand away and try to act nonchalant by shrugging. She rolls her eyes.

"I'm fine. Just-just pass me a towel and help me up."

"This is so stupid." She walks over and picks up the evil towel that started all this mess before heading over and throwing it on you. "I'm telling Farrah, you need to be checked over."

"Careful, I'm beginning to think you care." She scoffs.

"Excuse me? You take up enough of my family's time already so excuse me if I want you better so we can have our lives back."

"I…I-I'm sorry." You bite your bottom lip as you think of all the trouble you've caused lately: breaking people's hearts, fighting, breaking your leg and arm, taking Amy away from Reagan. Lauren's right, you do take up too many peoples time. They shouldn't waste it on you but they do and you need to start being more careful, more considerate. You can't keep getting in their way, it's not fair.

Lauren sighs.

"Look, one day you're gonna be my sister in law or something, so yes, maybe I do want you alive and well. Amy's hard enough and moody enough to deal with already."

"Sister in law?" She rolls her eyes.

"Neither of you are fooling anyone but right now, let's not go there. C'mon, I'll help you up. Where're your clothes?"

"Just there."

"Okay, clean up a little. I'll take your clothes into my room and then we'll move you."

"Sir, yes, Sir." She squints.

"Don't push me. I'm helping, aren't I? Maybe I should go tell Amy what's going on." You roll your eyes.

"Fine. Let's go."

"That's what I thought."

"Ready?"

"Yep." You take a deep breath.

"One, two, three." You both grunt a little as you get yourself off the floor.

"Hey, Karms, you okay?" Amy shouts. You grit your teeth at her impeccable timing.

"Great," you whisper. Lauren squints her eyes but keeps an arm around you, holding you up. "Yeah, I'm fine, just…showering." You hear her lightly chuckle.

"I know, idiot, you told me. It's been a while though. You need any help?"

"No, I'm good."

"Mhmm, then why do you sound…weird, out of breath?"

"Weird? I don't. I'm-I'm fine. Just give me a minute."

"Oh…Oh," she says, something dawning on her but you have no idea what she's thinking. "I'll er, I'll give you a few minutes alone, okay. I'll be back in my room in ten if you need me, okay?"

"Okay," you shout back, frowning. What does she think you're doing? Lauren smirks at you.

"She thinks you're masturbating."

"Oh…Oh." Your eyes widen.

"C'mon, we've got ten minutes to get you fixed up."

"Right. Hey, Lauren." She raises an eyebrow at you as she keeps an arm around your waist and helps you walk. "Thanks. I mean, thank you for…this."

"Don't get used to it, Sunshine, get moving."

"Right."

"Karma," Amy shouts, sounding panicked.

"In here," you groan out. She'll be pissed. You should've told you when she asked if you were okay but you wanted to get cleaned up, remove some of the blood so she wouldn't be as pissed off with you.

She appears in Lauren's door, out of breath and eyes wide.

"What happened?"

"Your idiot lover-to-be fell down," Lauren says, waltzing into the room.

"Why didn't she say anything?"

"Little Miss Second-Best was here."

"Don't call her that," you say, surprising everyone. "I mean, that's-it's not…fair." You shrug.

"You know what's not fair? Me getting dragged into your mess time and time again." She throws the bandages she went to find on the bed where you are lying, fully dressed and on top of a less bloody towel, before turning around and walking out of the room. "When I get back, you both better be out of here." You wince. How could you upset her so quickly again? This is why you need to get better and out of here. You're just causing trouble…like always.

Amy sits down next to you.

"Hey, Shorty. Why didn't you tell me you were hurt?" You shrug.

"Sorry, Princess. I just…didn't want to worry you. I'm fine, really. You needed to talk to Reagan."

"Yeah but you're more important and you're hurt."

"I'm okay but we should get out of here, right?"

"Right. Let's go through the bathroom, it'll be quicker."

And so you do as she says and that's when you understand why Amy looked so panicked. There is an awful lot of bloody for a few cuts.

"Sorry about the mess."

"It's okay as long as you're okay. I'll clean it up in a minute." You look down.

"Sorry, I can try to help."

"No, stupid. I want you in my bed and resting up. Did you hurt anything?"

"My arm. I mean, I landed on it and my ribs are a bit sore but I don't know-I think I'm okay." You breathe deeply as you sit on the end of her bed and look up at her. She's frowning and the vein in her forehead has appeared again, the one that appears when she's emotional…angry.

"Yeah, well, you thinking you're okay isn't the most reassuring thing I've heard. I'll talk to Mom and we'll have to go to the hospital to get you checked out." And that's it, isn't it? Yet again you're making things worse.

You cry. You've cried a lot lately but you can't remember the last time you did it in front of Amy. You're being weak, breaking down and just…ruining everything. You try to lay down on your side and cocoon yourself but you can't quite do it. Another failure and God, God you're so tired and just…everything is wrong.

"Hey, hey, hey. Karms." Amy reaches for you but you try to pull away. "Karma, please." And she sounds so sad. "It's okay." She wraps you in her arms and spoons you from behind. "Shh, it's all okay." She runs a hand through your hair.

"But it's not. I'm ruining everything. I couldn't even give you and Reagan five minutes without getting into trouble."

"It's okay, my love. It's okay. You're here…with me. That's all I want and Karms, since we were kids you've always been a klutz. Remember that time we were ice skating and you fell and pulled that random guy down with you." You laugh a little at the memory. "And then everyone else kept falling down trying to avoid you both. You looked like a baby deer out there. So cute but so clumsy." She reaches over and tweaks your nose. You blush and bury your head into her cover.

"Shut up." She laughs.

"It's okay," Amy says, resting her chin on your shoulder. "I just-you should tell me when you need me. It doesn't matter who I'm with or where I am, if you need me, I'll be there, okay?" She wraps her arms around your waist.

"Okay. I'm sorry, though. You really should spend some more time with your girlfriend." She sighs.

"First, I'd have to have a girlfriend." You freeze.

"What?"

"I think-I think me and Reagan are over."

"Why?"

"Because I chose you." You turn and move a little way back.

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because?"

"I love you more."

"Amy." You sigh.

"No. You don't get to tell me how I feel, not anymore. I choose you and no, it's not your fault and it's not hers. It's mine."

"Yeah, but—"

"No." She reaches for you.

"I-I think you should think on it. I mean, you're emotional right now. Just give it some time and then-we'll-we'll see how you feel in the morning. Just sleep on it, okay?"

"Okay but-I mean-Karms?"

"Hmm?"

"Why don't you want me?" She looks down. You hate it when she does that. You know it means she's crying. You scoot as close as you can and wrap her in your arms. She buries her head in your neck and begins to sob. You rub her back. "Why don't you want me? Why-why did you deny it so-so much when Caitlyn was questioning you? Why am I not…why am I not good enough?

"Hey, hey. Look at me." You stoke her cheek. "You are good enough, too good. I-I want you, I do-I just…I want you to be happy even more than that. Right? I don't want you to make a mistake."

"But—"

"No. Just give it til the morning and if you still feel the same, we'll talk but if you want—" You take a deep breath and swallow. "But if you want to find Reagan, to make things right with her, that's okay, alright?" She nods her head before resting her forehead against yours. "Good, now give me a hug, idiot. I love you."

"Love you, too."

"Good." You lean in and give her a quick kiss on the mouth. It's short but enough to send shocks through your system. "Now, no more sad face, you're perfect."

She smiles softly at you and somethings shifts. The words that have been lodged in your throat for so long melt and pool in your stomach as you watch her. You touch her cheek and smile.

"Aims?"

"Yes?"

"Can we watch Twilight?" She groans. You pout.

"Fine but first we'll see what Mom says."

"Hmm?" Amy rolls her eyes.

"You need to go see a doctor, idiot."

"Oh, right. Right."

"My silly girl," she says, smirking before wrapping you in her arms again. "Can we watch house hunters after?"

"Of course. Hot chocolate, too."

"Perfect."

"Yes, you are."

A/N: So guys…we're coming close to the end, now. I hope you enjoyed this chapter :)