Chapter Thirteen: Interlude: About What Happened to Karen

It's strange how you can be friends with someone for nearly six years and still know next to nothing about them. On the surface, Karen Smith appeared to be a hugely straight-forward person – refreshingly so, even. She wore her feelings on her sleeve, said whatever ditsy thing popped into her head and had few aspirations outside of predicting the weather with her "fifth sense." She was relentlessly cheerful even when Regina called her stupid or a slut. She shrugged off bad grades, break ups and condescension from her frienemies with a somewhat loopy smile. She was an official part of the "mean girl" clique, but was generally nice, pleasant and unassuming to everyone she encountered.

Cady had only known Karen since junior year, but Regina, Janis and Gretchen had spent huge amounts of time with her both inside and outside of school beginning in 6th grade. Still, their cluelessness about who Karen Smith really was wasn't completely the Plastics' fault. After all, Karen worked hard to put on a show for everyone. Because in spite of her reputation as "the dumbest girl alive" (per Janis' description), Karen was actually extremely smart.

Throughout elementary school, Karen had not only been the smartest kid in her class, but also one of the geekiest – her thick glasses, skinny wrists and braces only added to this perception. She was incredibly quiet and shy, never spoke in class aside from when a teacher prodded her and read dense novels during recess instead of socializing. Somehow, however, Karen's quietness didn't protect her from bullying and the popular clique at her school was especially aggressive – always poking her with their pencils and stealing her books so they could write swear words in the margins. When the family moved right before sixth grade, Karen's brother, Ben - loud, popular and sporty - was beyond angry. Karen, on the other hand, decided it was the perfect time to start over. She convinced her parents to let her use contacts and ditched the glasses, she went shopping for nicer clothes and she even asked her orthodontist for clear bands instead of her usual choice of multi-color.

Almost immediately upon entering her new school, Karen took notice of the Plastics. At first, their group name confused her. Wasn't it meant as an insult? But she soon realized that the trio fully embraced the title, if only ironically. Although they weren't the most popular clique in the sixth grade, they were, each for their own reasons, impossible to ignore.

Before actually talking to them, Karen made the following observations and wrote down each in her new sparkly-pink journal:

Janis Ian: ironically sharing a name with a folk rock singer from the sixties – collected, confident, quiet, guarded and aloof, but with a biting sense of humor and a spark of mischief that intimidated even the teachers. Karen strongly admired her boldness and the way she could get away with anything just by giving her patented sharp laugh and reminding everyone that she was "just kidding."

Gretchen Wieners: who had probably the most German sounding name that Karen had ever heard and looked strikingly different from her blonde, straight-haired friends. Still new to the group and obviously a beta female, she chattered constantly, laughed nervously at her own jokes and was the type to know your business even before you did.

And finally, Regina George whose first name means "queen" in Latin. Of the three, Karen definitely thought she stood out the most – she seemed normal, genuine, even sweet and was generally well-liked by everyone because when she talked to you, you felt somehow warm and fuzzy inside. But, as Karen soon discovered, Regina was like a two-headed snake who could be as manipulative as she was friendly and who had a skill for eviscerating people behind their backs.

By the time Karen entered high school, she was firmly a member of the group. Being part of the popular crowd (and by eighth grade, Regina had ensured that the Plastics were easily the dominant clique) was as exhilarating as it was exhausting. Karen's therapists believed that her adventures in bulimia had started because of the stress being a Plastic put on her and Karen couldn't really deny this. Some days, she absolutely hated her "friends," while at other times she longed to tell them about who she really was.

No one found out about Karen's bulimia until senior year when her parents finally pressured her into treatment after they discovered a bottle of vomit under her bed. The former Plastics were, to put it mildly, in shock. Cady had spent the most time with Karen post-break-up and she had always suspected that Karen wasn't as stupid as she let on. Cady herself had, in fact, used the same "acting stupid" tactic in order to woo the popular crowd. Still, Karen's lack of mental health had never occurred to her. She had also been completely stunned when her dad interrupted her packing for her volunteer trip to Africa with the news that Karen had had a heart attack. Gretchen, meanwhile, generally regarded herself as Karen's best friend from sixth grade to junior year. Yet Gretchen had also been blindsided, despite her talent for knowing everyone's business.

Now, four former Plastics - Regina, Gretchen, Cady and Janis - along with Karen's college roommate, Sue, stood in the waiting room in awkward silence. Karen was asleep, the nurse had told them, but she was going to be okay. At least she was going to be okay if she went back into treatment and stopped binging and purging. On the other hand, Sue was pretty certain that Karen was in no mood for visitors. Much like the ex-Plastics, Sue hadn't seen Karen's episode coming. Sure, she had known about Karen's past struggles with bulimia, but she had also been sure that her roommate had it under control. Of the five of them, she was definitely taking it the hardest and appeared incredibly teary and shaken.

"Uh, I'm going to get some coffee," said Gretchen, who as always, was the first to break the silence. "Anyone want anything?"

"Good idea," agreed Cady. "I'll go with you."

Sometime later, Sue's cellphone buzzed. "That's my mom," she said. "I better call her back."

Now, Regina and Janis were alone. All things considered, Regina felt much less uncomfortable with this prospect than she should have. Mostly, she felt horribly numb and hollow, as if someone had scraped out all her organs. It wasn't unlike her nightmare where her lungs had been ripped out, in fact, except that this time, no one could see her gaping wounds.

"Hey," Janis said after a few painfully long seconds. "Just out of curiosity, what exactly happened at the Zoom Puff concert? Damien was super pissed when we couldn't find you. He couldn't get over how rude that was. Personally, I didn't give a shit, but it might have been nice of you to tell us you were leaving. Just saying."

The Zoom Puff incident seemed like it had occurred in a different life time. Still, Regina couldn't help wanting to make Janis feel a little guilty for her insensitive comment. Damien, too, for that matter. If he'd been so angry/concerned, how come he hadn't bothered trying to call her? "Oh that," said Regina, keeping her voice nonchalant. "No big deal. I just had a major panic attack and passed out, so I thought I should probably go home to lie down. Just saying," she added for good measure.

Janis' eyes widened. "You had a panic attack? Oh my god! Why?"

Regina shrugged. "Because I get them sometimes," she said lightly. "I don't know, something about that place triggered some stuff about the bus accident, I guess."

"Oh," said Janis. "Dude, I had no idea you got panic attacks. You should've told Damien and me you were freaking out."

Regina snickered. "Seriously? You mean you would have actually cared?"

"Sure, I would've," said Janis. "I'm not THAT much of a bitch. I mean, okay, I totally hate you and everything, but like, you had such a bad panic attack that you actually fainted? That's like totally a big deal."

Regina smiled slightly. "Kind of, yeah."

They were quiet again for a moment. "Look, I know it's probably too little too late but I was going to call the next day and find out what was going on. I was just busy with other shit."

"That's okay. I don't think I would've answered," Regina said. "I was kind of in Disturbia for a couple days after that."

"Disturbia?"

"Yeah," said Regina. "You know, like that song by Rhianna?"

Janis laughed. "Oh, yeah. I forgot you had such shitty taste in music. No wonder you didn't like Zoom Puff."

Regina rolled her eyes. "Yeah, well…I kind of went a little cray-cray that weekend." She winced at her use of "cray-cray." That was such a Gretchen thing to say. "I like didn't leave my room and I took a bath that was too hot and some other shit."

"Jesus," said Janis. "Well…are you like…better now?"

Regina thought for a moment and then nodded. "Yeah, I guess I am."

"Well, that's good," said Janis. "Jesus," she added, rolling her eyes. "Do all of you former Plastics have mental disorders now?"

Regina gave a shocked laugh. Only Janis could get away with joking about mental illness right outside of their bulimic friend's hospital room. "Hey, you're a former Plastic, too," Regina said, nudging Janis playfully. "And when I took AP Psych senior year, I remember thinking the description for Borderline sounded suspiciously exactly like you."

"Huh," snorted Janis. "I could see that."

"And of course, Cady's totally socially retarded," Regina added, surprised at how easily she and Janis fell back into gossiping despite the seriousness of the situation and also despite the fact that they hated each other. "That's because she was homeschooled, though."

Janis gave a sharp laugh. "Yeah, she's doing better now," she said. "What about Gretchen?"

"Hmm," said Regina. "You know, as her roommate and everything, I actually think she's kind of well…normal." Regina realized she could have easily mentioned Gretchen's eating habits/hospital visit earlier in the semester or the fact that much of her behavior bordered on Co-Dependent Personality Disorder, but she also realized that this would be incredibly disloyal. What was up with her no longer wanting to bash people behind their backs, she wondered. Maybe she was actually growing up.

Once their laughter died down, they were quiet, but it somehow no longer felt awkward or uncomfortable. "So, I don't know if I ever said this with all that bus shit and everything," Janis said, "but sorry for trying to ruin your life junior year."

"That's okay," said Regina, surprisingly actually meaning it. "I'm sorry for spreading that rumor about you being a lesbian."

"We were kind of really shitty people back then, huh?" Janis stated.

"Yeah…kind of."

"You think we still are?" Janis asked, now looking Regina directly in the eye. Regina could tell that she wasn't joking; this must have been something Janis had thought about quite frequently just like Regina herself.

"I don't know. I kind of don't think so."

Karen hadn't known what to think when Sue told her that her former high school friends were here to see her. On the one hand, it sounded like all of them had traveled quite a ways which she supposed was really nice of them all things considered, but on the other hand, she wasn't ready to deal with the fact that she had essentially lied to all of them for years or with the fact that at least two of them terrified her. So, she decided the best course of action was to continue lying. "Tell them I'm asleep," she told Sue, who had pressed her lips together and frowned, but hadn't protested.

So, now, Karen lay awake, trying to decide how she was going to explain herself to the Plastics. But how could she explain it to them, when she couldn't even understand it herself? After all, things had been pretty good in college. She liked her classes and did well in them (even though she had become so used to acting stupid that shedding the façade was nearly impossible at this point – as her psychology teacher might say, she had effectively "become the mask") and she also had plenty of new friends and a great relationship with her roommate, as well as a good-standing position in the school's weather club (which, as geeky and lame as it seemed was actually one of her favorite activities). So, why was it that she couldn't stop herself from sneaking into the dorm bathroom every night to stuff herself with King-sized chocolate bars and sour Skittles and Twinkies until she was sick? And, moreover, why couldn't she tell anyone - even Sue, who had always been so honest with Karen about her own mean girl tendencies in high school - about her behavior? This became especially hard when she had gone to Sue's family's house for Thanksgiving (despite her mother's disappointment), for fear that seeing her own family in person would give away everything.

In spite of everything, Karen never actually believed that any of the terrible complications of bulimia could happen to her. After all, she wasn't nearly as bad as the girls she had met in treatment – girls who, at Karen's age, already had holes burned in their esphoguses or whose gag reflexes were so permanently damaged they could only handle liquid diets. Every single night, Karen assured herself she wasn't going to do it again – that purging was a sometimes thing (as Gretchen might say) that was well on its way to being a never thing. And yet, every time she broke this promise, guilt would eat away at her stomach.

Having a heart attack was completely different than what Karen had imagined and she still couldn't quite explain it. She imagined it was probably similar to how Regina could never accurately describe being hit by a bus. She had just gotten out of biology class and was about to meet Sue at the gym, even though she had felt somewhat nauseous and dizzy all morning, when it happened. It started with a slight smell of burned rubber and, oddly enough, a feeling of euphoria. Then out of nowhere, she felt the ground spin beneath her. A sharp, burning pain started at the back of her throat and shot through her veins like she had been struck by lightning. She felt every artery – even the vessels behind her eyes and in her brain - constrict and then explode, making a loud crackling sound that she was sure everyone on campus could hear. For a second, all she could see was blinding white light and then she was out.

When she awoke several hours later, she had somehow forgotten who she was and where she was and even how to string together words. Everything was bleary and out-of-focus. "It's okay," said the nurse kindly (although, for a second, Karen couldn't think of the word for "nurse"), "you had a heart attack, but we're going to get you taken care of." A heart attack? Karen thought, suddenly feeling ice cold with terror. But that couldn't be right. She was only eighteen, after all. The nurse explained that heart attacks can happen in young people with bulimia, another word that Karen couldn't make sense of for a moment. When she finally regained her senses, she felt a sick sense of shame swell deep in her stomach. It was all her fault. She had broken her promise to herself and to her family and now she had to pay the terrible price.

"I think maybe we should come back later," Gretchen said, sipping her stale, black coffee. "She obviously doesn't want to see anyone."

Janis rolled her eyes and sighed heavily. "Yeah, I guess you're right," she snarled. "We came all this way just to stand around and talk to each other. Because I really missed all of you bimbos SO much."

Gretchen flushed slightly and bit her lip. Somehow, she always managed to forget how uncomfortable Janis made her. They hadn't interacted much since eighth grade, of course, but she was pretty well-aware that Janis had always barely tolerated her as both Gretchen and Karen had always been more Regina's friends. If Janis had had her way back then, she and Regina would have been the two only Plastics in the world. No wonder Regina had mistaken her for a lesbian, Gretchen couldn't help thinking. But no, really Janis was just one of those types who became super attached to one person and one person only. In that way, she wasn't unlike Gretchen's old cocker spaniel, Domino, who worshipped Gregory, but growled and snapped whenever anyone else came too close.

"Janis is right," said Cady. "We came all this way to see Karen. Even if she's asleep…Even if she doesn't want to see us…We should go in." Gretchen had always been in awe of Cady's cool-headedness and, for lack of a better term, social adeptness. For someone who had grown up homeschooled in the African jungles, she certainly had developed a knack for reading situations and keeping cool under pressure.

When they entered the room, Karen was only half asleep – her glazed, tired eyes surrounded by dark circles – and Gretchen was shocked at how ghostly pale she looked. In spite of the fact that she was usually the one to break silences and the fact that she and Karen had technically always been close, Gretchen found herself at a complete loss for words. "Hey," she finally said, trying hard to smile.

"Hey," replied Karen in a cold, monotonous voice as she stared blankly at the wall.

"I um…I love your flowers," Gretchen said, pointing towards some bright yellow tulips (where did anyone find tulips in early December?) "So fetch! Who are they from?"

It seemed to take a colossal amount of willpower for Karen to turn away from the wall and glance wearily at the flowers. Gretchen had never seen this expression on Karen – so hopeless, as if she had entirely given up on the world and really just wanted everything to end. "Oh those?" she asked slowly, as if even speaking required far too much energy than she could muster. "The nurse…I think."

Gretchen nodded. Damn, she thought to herself. Should've brought flowers…

"Um, speaking of flowers," said Cady, thrusting a wilted bouquet of roses at Karen. "Here. They're not much. I just picked them up at the gift shop honestly…"

Karen nodded slowly. "Okay."

They were all quiet for a seemingly endless amount of time.

"So, how're you feeling?" asked Regina. "Any better?"

"How do you THINK I'm feeling?" Karen asked in a voice barely above a whisper, that was so cold – so hateful somehow – that Gretchen cringed, even though it hadn't been directed at her.

Regina stared down at the floor. "Sorry," she said softly. "You know, I hated it when people asked me that post-bus accident. Of course you're feeling crummy." She tried to put her hand on Karen's shoulder, but Karen flinched at pulled away.

"Why are you being like this?" Much like in Modernist Poetry, Gretchen wasn't sure why she said this, or why her voice came out so frantic and so shrill. Janis, Regina, Sue and Cady all gaped at her but said nothing. Karen, however, returned to staring determinedly at the wall. "This isn't LIKE you!" Gretchen said her voice breaking. It all seemed so disgustingly wrong. She felt sick to her stomach and her hands trembled. But almost as soon as the words left her mouth, she realized how incredibly false they were. She had never known Karen; she had only known the bubbly, uber-ditsy Plastic mask that Karen had so carefully constructed. Throughout their years as besties, Karen had not only kept her intelligence and her bulimia from Gretchen, she had kept the entirety of her personality from her and this – this hopeless, pale, lifeless mess with eyes ringed with sleep deprivation instead of eye liner – this was the real Karen. Because Karen was, for the first time in their entire time as friends, too exhausted to even try to put on the mask. Emotions swirled frantically in Gretchen's mind. She was starting to feel yesterday's migraine make its not-so-triumphant return. But how did she feel? Scared? Definitely. Angry? She couldn't deny that either. How could Karen have hidden everything from her? Couldn't she trust her BFF? Was Gretchen really that untrustworthy? Did Karen think she would judge her if she revealed her secrets or worse, tell them to the rest of the world? Or was it that Gretchen simply didn't matter – wasn't important enough – for Karen to be herself around.

But then she had to wonder, too, what was HER problem for not noticing Karen had issues? She knew everything about the whole student body – usually instinctually (in fact, sometimes she even wondered if she had a Magepath ability of some kind), but her closest friend had eluded her. Had she just been too selfish to realize Karen was suffering? Was she just as guilty as Janis and Regina for judging Karen and assuming she was shallow? Or was she purposefully ignoring what should have been right in front of her? Gretchen hated to admit it, but one of her favorite things about Karen had always been that she made Gretchen feel superior. She could condescend to Karen, dis her behind her back, roll her eyes at her lame remarks, push her around, take out the anger she would never, ever, ever express to Regina or Janis and Karen would just grin and bear it because she was just that dumb. Perhaps she hadn't wanted to know the real Karen. She only wanted to use her to make herself feel better. Damn, Gretchen thought, her skin suddenly crawling. Some friend I was. And now, she realized with a sinking sensation in her stomach, she was disappointed that Karen was no longer the same light-hearted, passive person she always appeared to be.

The heart monitor continued its nauseating beeping. What must it have been like, Gretchen wondered, for Karen to go through all of this alone? To feel that she had to hide everything and that she somehow wasn't allowed to be herself? Sure, Gretchen often felt similar and she was sure Regina did too, but she was also sure that Karen took this mentality to a whole different level.

Pain erupted in her chest, almost as if heart attacks were suddenly contagious. Without even thinking, she wrapped her arms around Karen and pulled her close. Karen tried to push her away, but was clearly too weak to resist. And then Karen was crying – practically screaming actually – in a horrifying primal way that should have caused the entire earth to quake and shatter. "It's okay," Gretchen said. "I've got you."

Half an hour later, Karen had calmed down enough to sit up and eat an apple sauce cup.

"God," Regina said. "It seems like every year one of us has to go to the hospital. And every single one of us chooses apple sauce cups - weird. They're not even good."

"Really?" Karen asked, looking up. She wasn't really sure of how to behave after her meltdown, and to be honest, she didn't know how to behave around the Plastics in general. She had spent so many years not being herself that she was almost afraid she didn't have a self anymore. And yet, when she had cried, they had not run away; they had not glared or shaken their heads in disgust; they had stayed and they had been there for her. "Regina had the bus thing, but who else?"

"I did earlier this year," Gretchen said.

"What? Why?"

Gretchen shrugged good-naturedly. "Cuz' I passed out in class and got a concussion and needed IV fluids."

"I had appendicitis in middle school," Cady added. "When I was in Zimbabwe. Talk about not fun. We were miles away from a good hospital. Seriously. It's amazing I didn't die."

"I got bitten by a snake when I was in Australia last year," said Sue. "It was terrifying."

"Hm," said Regina, narrowing her eyes. "I guess next year it's your turn, Janis. You know how Karma is!"

Janis smirked. "Guess we'll see."