Chapter updated per reader observation regarding cabin. Thanks for reviewing! :)
Joker bites his lip. Shepard's trips to the cockpit had become so frequent, her absence was overwhelming. She had not visited him, nor communicated with him in any manner, since she amended their flight course after the talk with the Council. It didn't sit well with him. Swallowing his pride, Joker bends down below the console to pull out his crutches.
He struggles down the length of the hallway, through the CIC, and down the seemingly infinite number of stairs. He pauses mid-stairwell to catch his breath. When he finally reaches the mess hall no one is left. After that arduous journey he should eat dinner, he tells himself, and grabs a mealbar from the cabinet. He unwraps it and takes a bite when he hears the voice of Dr. Chakwas.
"Good evening, Joker." She says kindly. "It's good to see you up and about. How are you feeling?"
Joker offers her a thumbs up and rather sarcastic smile. The mealbar leaves his mouth full of a gritty chocolatesque substance. He decides he should have grabbed water to accompany the bar.
"You look like you've lost something, dear."
Joker shrugs with a guilty look on his face as he chews.
"Or perhaps someone?" Dr. Chakwas smiles.
He swallows hard. Damn, that woman always knows what I'm thinking.
"Check her quarters. Please. She always closes me off immediately when I ask too many questions." She winks at him and turns around to head back to the Med Bay.
Joker grabs a glass of water and alternates between it and the rest of the mealbar until both are gone. He heads over to Shepard's door. He breathes deeply, cracks his knuckles, adjusts his visor, and approaches close enough to be picked up by the motion sensor. It's unresponsive.
Locked. She really wants to be left alone.
He turns to leave, then faces the door again. He changes his mind several times before he realizes he's just pacing and with a heavy sigh quickly knocks on the door before he can think on it another moment.
He hears movement on the other side of the door. It slides open to reveal a downtrodden Shepard. She looks like she did the night they ran into each other in the Med Bay, only this time she looks like she's been crying.
Ah, hell. Joker thinks to himself. Nope. I'm not the right person for this. Definitely not. I wish I was. He closes his eyes a moment to gather the strength for a courageous: "Hello."
"Joker." Shepard says. She's visibly embarrassed. She tucks her hair behind her ear and shifts her weight. "Is everything alright?"
He bites his lip. "No."
"Shit." She responds alarmed. "Something's wrong with the Normandy? What's wrong with the Normandy?"
"Oh!" Joker realizes his mistake. "Nothing. She's great. It's, um... her captain, I think, that's, um... not." He fumbles over the wording as his own thoughts are unclear.
Shepard sighs and rolls her eyes. She turns as if to leave, but then faces forward again, eyes to the ground. "I…" She exhales and shakes her head. "Get your ass in here before I change my mind."
Joker obeys. The door slides closed behind them. Shepard bites her lip and crosses her arms. She stares at the ground below Joker but refuses to make eye contact. The crutches cut into his arms painfully after having spent so much time on foot. He backs up against the wall and removes them from under his arms, leaning them against the wall beside him. He rotates his right arm and massages his armpit. She looks up to watch the motions.
He feels the need to explain. "Stairs," he mutters like a curse word. "Mind if I sit?"
"Oh, yeah. Yes." She gestures toward the seating area. "There really are too many fucking stairs. We need to install ramps next chance we get. Here, let me help you."
Well, this is fucking embarrassing. Joker thinks to himself. "I've got it."
He motions to retake the crutches. Shepard disregards his words and moves to his side. She takes both crutches in one hand and reaches her other around his waist. Together they walk toward the white, padded chairs and she helps him lower into one of the seats. The crutches are leaned against the wall behind him.
"You've gone from punching me to practically carrying me." Joker observes bitterly. "Next you'll be chewing my food for me and wiping my ass."
His comment manages to eek out a half-hearted smile on Shepard's face. She takes a seat across from him. She studies the floor.
"So…" Joker says.
"So…" Shepard says in turn.
"So… So. Ah, hell. We've gone through this before. I just wanted to let you know that, that it must not have been easy down there, choosing to leave Williams behind. I'm sorry…"
Shepard silently stares at the floor for a few moments, then slams her foot down with a frustrated growl. "I'm so fucking pissed at Kaiden. We should never have allowed ourselves to be put into that position. I'm his commanding officer. Really, I'm the one who fucked up."
"Hey, don't do that to yourself, Shepard. You did what you had to." Joker says. "And, I guess, Kaiden did, too."
"Not successfully." Shepard replies. "That bastard Saren escaped."
"But you annihilated his base." Joker reminds her. "And… And you made it back, alive."
"Sure. Yes." Shepard nods. "I guess I'll keep nipping at his heels until I finally get the chance to go in for the kill." Her voices rises with intensity.
Joker laughs. "Damn, Shepard. That son of a bitch better keep running. You're freakin' scary when you're in battle mode."
"'Battle mode.'" She repeats and sighs. "Things are simpler on the battlefield. You have a set mission, clear targets, us vs. them, good vs. bad… As long as you don't have a subordinate fuck things up."
"Well, your 'battle mode' isn't just on the field, you know." Joker says.
"No?" Shepard asks.
"It's like you always have your shields up and your gun ready." Joker muses aloud. "Like… You come visit the cockpit often, but it's always me talking. Damn, you must know everything about me by now, but I don't know anything about you. Not really."
"Hmm…" Shepard processes his words.
An uncomfortable silence distances them.
"I could use a drink. Would you like a drink?" Shepard blurts out suddenly.
"One hundred percent I need a drink right now." He agrees.
Shepard walks to her desk and pulls out the bottom drawer. She returns with a bottle and two shot glasses.
"Whiskey." She explains. "This is the legit shit. Aged in oak casks for well over a decade. Yellow as honey. Smooth as silk. The corn was grown on Earth."
"Wow." Joker exclaims.
Shepard pours the glasses and hands him one.
"A toast." She says. "To Ash."
"To Ash." Joker says and lifts his glass.
"She was an incredible soldier, brave and loyal. Here's hoping she's in a better place."
Shepard ended her short speech and downed the alcohol. Joker coughed and shook his head after taking his. She laughed.
"Another?"
"Hit me."