Chapter updated per reader observation regarding the cabin. Thanks for reviewing! :)

A few hours pass with no word from Shepard. The Normandy's lock down weighs heavily on Joker. There is no job for a pilot on a grounded ship, aside from standard check up and maintenance which was completed ages ago according to his internal clock. He feels immense relief when Shepard finally radios him.

"Joker." She says.

"Commander?" He jumps up at her voice and looks at the circular holographic form. Still red. "The Normandy is still locked down from the helm."

"Yes… Do you have a minute?"

"Oh. Absolutely. I have infinite minutes until I get my baby back."

"Spare a few? I'm in my cabin."

"I'll be right there. Well…" Joker amends. "Give me ten or fifteen minutes to haul my ass there."

Joker shuffles laboriously to Shepard's cabin door to find it open. He walks in to see her sitting at her desk, arms crossed, eyes glued to her monitor. She still wears her diplomatic tunic.

"What's up, Commander?" He asks.

"I need your perspective." Her eyes stay glued to the screen. Her mouth is a thin line. "You're the only person on this entire frigate I feel will be completely truthful with me. Everyone else will just worry if the mission is in jeopardy or fuss over my health or think I'm trying to 'rekindle' a relationship that never existed."

"Um, okay." Joker says. "You can always talk to me. I can't promise I'll respond without a sarcastic comment, but I'm here."

"Tell me, honestly." She asks. "What do you think of all this? Saren, the Reapers… All of it."

Joker furrows his brow. "What do you mean?"

"Well, I've been sitting here trying to think of a way off this damn station, but my mind keeps circling back to… Why?"

"Why?" Joker asks. "Because... If we don't get our asses to Ilos we're all fucked?"

"Do you believe that?" This time she makes eye contact with him, an intense and searching glare.

Joker in turn is dumbfounded. "You... don't?"

She shrugs and drops her gaze. "I don't... know."

"Wait." Joker shakes his head in disbelief. "I don't understand. Why are you doubting your conviction now?"

"Joker, I need your honest opinion. I'm the only one who got hit with… visions… from the Prothean beacon on Eden Prime. Then on Virmire... I've shared them with Liara, and she says the Virmire beacon completed the message, but it's still just random images to me. She insists that the Conduit is on Ilos, but how does she know? She's sweet, but also somewhat naive."

"Saren has also seen those visions and believes that, right?"

"Yes… Saren also believes that the Reapers cannot be stopped. That's why he decided to join them. On Virmire he asked me point blank, 'Is submission not preferable to extinction?'"

"No, of course not." Joker says with conviction.

"No?" Shepard questions. "He told me we can save countless lives by simply working with the Reapers. Instead of war, we willingly subjugate ourselves, make ourselves useful. The Reapers may spare our cycle."

"What?!" Joker cries flabbergasted. "You can't possibly be suggesting we give up!"

"Well, have you ever met a fucking a Prothean?" Shepard raises her own voice. "No! They were obliterated in the last cycle. They chose to fight. I don't want that same fate, but… I don't know. You know the Council still doesn't believe Sovereign exists? Look at this message." She motions toward the monitor. "They thank me for 'tenaciously seeking out evidence against Saren as a rogue spectre' and assure me that I have 'seen my task through to fruition' and that the 'Council henceforth shall take a primary role in bringing Saren to justice.'"

Joker moves toward the screen incredulously, needing to see the words for himself.

Shepard continues, "Bureaucratic bullshit, right? They think Saren is the only threat. He and his hitherto-unseen-in-Council-space Geth technology." She sighs deeply. "I'm tired of butting my head against the wall, Joker. But maybe… Maybe there's a reason. Maybe I truly am delusional. Maybe... They're right?"

"No, way!" Joker declares. "Shepard, we believe you and are behind you 100%. Everyone on the Normandy."

"Why?" Shepard's face looks very weary. "Seriously. How do I know the Normandy isn't just one big echo chamber for my delusions? That loyalty is taking precedence over truth?"

Joker stands with his eyes wide with disbelief at her thoughts. "Hell, no, Shepard! That's not happening. Look. You want my opinion, my perspective? I was with you at the beginning. I flew us to Eden Prime where Saren murdered Nihlus and you saw the beacon's visions for the first time. I've been with you every step of the way since then. I know you're right. I think… I think you're not thinking straight. When was the last time you got a full night's rest?"

Shepard hesitates and turns her face away from him. "I don't know," she admits.

"Well, as of right now there's nothing stopping you from catching some sleep. Not while the Normandy is locked."

Shepard bites her lip and thinks a few moments. "I can't."

"Why not?"

"I can't…" Shepard buries her face in her hands suddenly. "I seriously fucking can't. Okay, Joker?"

"Even… with Chakwas' help?"

"No!" Shepard throws her hands down violently and gets up to pace the floor while pouring through her thoughts. "I can fall asleep, but I always have these fucking... nightmares. I don't know what happened. It's like the visions from the beacon fucked with my brain. When I have dreams, or nightmares, they're so vivid. They're so real. And I always remember them. Every damn detail. Like I just experienced it. And I'm talking… The beacon isn't just images. It's like all these emotions tied to it. I don't know how to explain it. I feel... scared, but also that rush of adrenaline like I'm entering the battlefield, but also hopelessness and sorrow, like I'm mourning at my own funeral or something. It's so fucked up. I'll bet none of this makes any sense. Dammit. There's a reason I haven't told anyone all this shit. Now you think I'm crazy." She ceases her pacing and collapses as much as sits onto the edge of her bed.

Joker follows her movements with his eyes. "Not crazy." He says honestly. "Damn, Shepard. I've always wondered how you've managed to hold up after all the crazy shit you've done and seen. You're not a robot. It's only natural that it would weigh on you, I guess."

"Yeah." Shepard covers her face with her hands. "I guess. Having a good reason isn't the same as a remedy."

Joker chews on his lip. "Lay back."

"Excuse me?" She removes her hands to glare at him.

"Lay down." He says. "Let's get your mind off of this shit. You told me your cabin was too fucking quiet once. Well... I'm real good at never shutting the fuck up, so…"

"So…" She watches him take a seat in the desk chair.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm pretty damn worthless with this lockdown, so this gives me something to do."

"So, you're going to… watch me sleep? That's fucking weird."

"You always come to the cockpit to crash. It wouldn't be the first time."

Shepard scoffs and hesitantly lays back stiffly with a scowl on her face.

"Now…" Joker settles into his seat. "Have I ever told you the story about the time I hijacked the Normandy?"

Shepard lifts her head to glare at him, one eyebrow cocked in suspicion. Joker returns a devious smile and begins relating the story of how he essentially forced the Alliance to accept his enlistment by demonstrating his badass flying skills in action. Despite Shepard's genuine interest, she drifts off before she can hear the ending.