NOTE: This chapter is RATED M for mature content and discussions of mature content.
Authors Note: I don't usually write M stuff (though i enjoy it occasionally). In this particular case I felt it was important to include considering what it means for the characters.
Chapter 12: Vows
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Carmen
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I waited long enough for Eleazar to get involved in the large text he was reading before I made my move. I know he was suspicious when I asked to come with the two older men to the university library. He trusted me though. So those suspicions were easily displaced by the new text that was spread across his lap. His brow was furrowed in his cutest serious expression so I had at least an hour before he surfaced from the intellectual pursuit.
"Where is the poetry section?" I asked, putting aside my book. Eleazar didn't even look up. "Would you show me, Carlisle?" I asked him.
"Yes, of course," he smiled at me politely, putting down his own book. I wondered if he was every rude. Like a gentleman he offered me his arm and lead the way across the large dimly lit library. It was late at night in the middle of the week so few students were around. The building was surprisingly silent.
"Actually," I whispered to Carlisle, fast and soft, "perhaps we could just take a turn around the room. There's something I wanted to talk to you about privately."
"Should I be worried about what you have to divulge?" He asked in the same low tone, too fast for humans to understand.
"No, it's simply a word of warning, and it may not apply to you," I said as we walked along between the shelves and the windows. "I've been watching Esme and I think she's a lovely girl. You two are well matched."
"Thank you," he replied, gracious but cautious. He had tensed at Esme's name and remained wary.
"But can't help feeling that there are sadder memories in her past." I went on a little slower, throwing him a sidelong glance.
"We all have parts of our past that we would rather forget," he said vaguely.
"Yes, we do," I agreed. "Long lived as we are they are unavoidable, but even in their short lives humans accumulate regrets as well. Tanya has told me a little of what Esme's human life was like. Am I wrong in thinking that she was more than just unhappy with her first husband?"
"What do you mean?" Carlisle asked. I frowned, getting the feeling he was being intentionally obtuse.
"Did he harm her, physically or emotionally?" I asked and turned to study Carlisle's reaction. His face was serious and his eyes were colder than I had seen them yet. It was the first time that I really felt a monster might live behind his civility. "I thought so."
"Please…"
"I won't mention any of this to her, but I don't think it would do her harm to talk about it though. She may be more recovered from it than you are. Eleazar has a harder time hearing about the life I lived before I was changed than I do telling him."
"You had a similar experience?" He asked me.
"Not exactly," I shook my head and looked out toward the windows, "In my human life I was a courtesan and not a very well paid one. We were hired for beatings as often as we were for sex. In my line of work sex could be just as much a form of abuse as physical blows or words. The last night of my human life a vampire bought my services. He changed me, expecting a certain kind of gratitude in exchange for immortality."
"He wanted you for a mate?"
"Yes. He never thought I would refuse or he didn't account for my greater strength in the first months. I tore him apart and swore I would never let myself be so vulnerable to men. In truth I was terrified of being hurt again. You see, I know all ways a man can hurt a woman with words, with hands, with the way he dominates her."
"What exactly is it that you think I would do to Esme?" He asked me in a tight voice, his jaw tight and teeth clenched.
"Nothing intentionally. I'm telling you this because you need to know. It's likely her only sexual experience has been a kind of abuse. After that it's hard to accept the act as something… pleasurable, even… meaningful. When I first became close to Eleazar, his advances scared me at first. I denied him, hid from him, ran from him, even fought him."
"You didn't trust him," Carlisle said rationally and I shook my head.
"But I did. I knew Eleazar would never hurt me and more than that I wanted to be close to him. My reticence had nothing to do with our relationship. You need to be prepared for Esme to react the same way. You can't know her mind well enough—I don't even believe that Edward could know—to avoid triggering painful memories. There are comparisons that she won't be able to help drawing and feel guilty for even thinking about. As much as you love her and she loves you, her past is not something that those feelings can instantly overcome. I'm telling you because you I don't want to see her hurt… or you." I heard Carlisle draw a long, deep breath and then let it out very deliberately.
"Hurting her is the last thing I want to do," he said to me in a begging voice. I smiled a little, reassured. Just knowing he wanted to help her put me at ease.
"Then be gentle with her. Don't push her and let her be in control. She will get over it in time but it may be a while before she can be comfortable with the physical side of love. God knows Eleazar was patient with me. I had been in sworn celibacy for fifty years and in no hurry to change when we met."
"You did change though?" He asked.
"Yes. I definitely did. But it took time. I understand what I was going through then a lot better now then I did when I was living it. I hope you and Esme can avoid some of the pain that we had to go through." I looked up to meet his golden eyes. They were compassionate and grateful. I saw that he understood how painful it was to hurt the person you love most.
"Thank you for telling me all this," he said softly.
"Thank you for listening. I know I've only just met you and Esme, and it's not really my place to intercede on private matters."
"No," he shook his head, "you were looking out for her. She needs more friends in the world and I wouldn't criticize anyone for trying to do the right thing by her."
"I do wonder if there is rude bone in your body, Dr. Cullen," I muttered. He just smiled, not too wide as to be really amused but a decidedly neutral, polite smile.
"The poetry section," he said, coming to a stop at a long bookcase.
"Thank you very much," I said with a nod. "I think I'll browse for a while and find you later."
"You're very welcome," he said but his voice was filled with gratitude. He turned around and left back through the shadowy rows of shelves. I sighed deeply. At least, I thought, he has a better start than we did. What happens next is up to them.
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Irina
.
Something about Elk was extremely off putting so after one I was quite finished hunting for the day. I left my sisters to the rest of it and headed back to the Cullen's little house. At least there I could try and find a slightly less oily smell to fill my nose. Even dusty books smelled better. I slowed to a sedate walk when I reached the tree line and crossed the long yard. Even from the back I had to admit that the little house was quaint. It was just the kind of house I imagined a middle-aged couple would settle into. Despite being in their twenties, Carlisle physically and Esme literally, they acted older and… wearier. I think that was the right word. Carlisle had seen so much of the world even though he was younger than my sisters and I. Esme had an air of experience about her. She seemed to value the happy moments as if they were about to end forever.
"It was a good book, you were right," I heard Edward's voice in the little kitchen at the back of the house as I approached. Whatever response he got was silent though; I couldn't hear who he was speaking to. Probably Carlisle.
"You should ask Irina about that," I heard him say next as I opened the back door. Instead of turning left into the dining room, I turned right, toward his voice.
"Ask me about what?" I said in the doorway. Then I caught sight of who he was talking to and I wished I had ignored him. Esme was sitting at the little table, which turned out to be a sewing machine, in the repurposed kitchen surrounded by piles of cut fabric and squares of a half sewn quilt.
"I think I'll go join Carlisle, Eleazar, and Carmen at the library," Edward said with a meaningful look at Esme. He slid past me in the doorway and I had to step into the room to let him past, further committing myself to whatever question was coming. Thanks Edward, I thought at him with a glare at his back. I knew he was well aware of my dislike for his new mother. I fought the urge to run but that seemed petty.
Esme couldn't meet my eyes. She was fiddling with a triangle of cloth and biting her lip. She looked as reluctant to ask me her question, as I was to talk to her. As much as I was coming to like the woman I think I was justified in wanting more than a week to become civil toward her. A few decades sounded like enough time.
"What was it you wanted to ask me?" I tried not to sound upset. I'm not entirely sure I didn't fail.
"It's really… not… it's silly," she stuttered, fingers absently shredding the little cloth triangle into a handful of short threads. I didn't know Esme very well but 'silly' was not a word I would have chosen for her even if I was allowing myself to be mean. I suddenly felt bad for scaring her out of whatever it was she was going to say.
"It's ok. You can ask. I won't get angry." I assumed it would be something about my past with Carlisle and really there was nothing to tell. Maybe it would garner me a little good will with her though she had never been even passively hostile toward me. If anything she went out of her way to be kind to me despite my frosty attitude.
"You've…" she started but then seemed to lose her nerve. "Never mind."
"Alright," I said and turned to go. I wasn't about to hang around and wait for her to figure out what to say. I had tried, that was all I needed to do. I had been civil. That was an accomplishment, right?
"You've had sex with other men?" she said it in a rush when I was half turned in the doorway. I froze. She wants to talk about sex? I thought in disbelief.
"Yes." I answered honestly, bemused.
"W—what was… I mean… it's just…" She put her face in her hand with a heavy embarrassed sigh. "This is so stupid. I'm sorry. Please, please forget I said anything."
I just stood in the doorway perplexed. She was about to marry one of the kindest men in the world, she was beautiful (even if it was in a decidedly plain way), he was beautiful (like Michelangelo ignudo), and they had immortal, never tiring, never aging bodies. And she was worried about the sex? Then I remembered how young she was. In 800 years I'd lost track of the men, mortal and immortal I had taken to bed. She had been human only a few years ago and the standards of propriety for women were so different for a human. An unmarried woman was supposed to be a virgin. But Esme had been married. Was she worried that it wouldn't be as good? That she wouldn't be good enough for Carlisle? Was she worried she wouldn't be as good as I was? That's ridiculous, was my immediate reaction to the last thought.
"I didn't sleep with him if that's what you're wondering." I said, trying not to be curt. I meant the words to put her at ease. I knew there was little competition for looks but at least she wouldn't have competition with him in bed.
"No, no, no," Esme said quickly, looking up with wide surprised eyes. "That's not what… I mean that's nice to know but not… that wasn't what Edward was talking about." She deflated as quickly as she had started and fell silent again.
"What was it then? If Edward thinks I have the answer then he's probably right." I huffed. He usually is infuriatingly right, I thought dryly.
"Yes, I know that." She agreed, nodding but still unable to meet my eyes. She took a deep breath, then said, "I was just thinking… well I've… I never enjoyed sex with my husband. I was just worrying… wondering what it would be like… tomorrow."
Why did Edward need me to answer this question? I wondered.
"I'm not speaking from experience but it'll be great," I said to Esme. She looked up at me quickly, confused and disbelieving.
"I hope he thinks so," she said, hands on her elbows, hugging herself lightly.
"You will too."
"I don't expect that."
"Why not? Was it so bad with your ex-husband?" I asked and I saw her shudder, shaking ripples into her dress. Her fear at wearing the dress Tanya had bought her, her reluctance to talk about her past, Carlisle's hovering protectiveness, and her timid attempts at friendship suddenly made sense to me. In the space of a single breath I realized why Edward had suggested she talk to me of all the visiting women.
"Or was it only ever about what he wanted?" I asked. "You never had any choice, even if you fought. What he wanted…"
"…he took." Esme whispered the last words softly, eyes on the floor and hands gripping her elbows.
"I see," I said. So that's what she's worried about, I thought with a mental groan. I should have known that even Carlisle, never-a-toe-out-of-line Carlisle, couldn't have a perfect wedding.
"It doesn't have to be that way and it won't," I told her emphatically, "What ever your last husband was that isn't Carlisle."
"I know that," Esme nodded, the smallest shake of her head and her eyes still downcast. Damn you Edward, I thought. Why did you have to say something? Why do I have to open up to her now? I don't even like her. I was growling in my head but another part of me was saying I should tell her. Esme had only ever been nice to me even when she had no reason to be. If I could do this for her, wasn't it worth the discomfort to me? I relented to my better side.
"You know I was raped?"
At my words, she jumped in her seat and stared at me with wide eyes.
"I was a poor farm girl then," I looked away from her out of the dark back windows, trying not to see the foggy human memories I had stupidly clung to. I swallowed thickly and continued my story: "My mother cried like I had died when she found out, and my father just about beat me to death himself. That was the usual reaction back then. When I was immortal I took out a lot of my anger at men on my prey. It was satisfying for a while to know I was so much stronger and faster. For the first time they couldn't harm me. But the satisfaction wore off and I was still bitter. Then I realized that I still felt dirty and ruined because of what had been done to me."
I saw Esme flinch at this and look down at her hands, shoulders slumping. Does she feel that way too? Like ruined goods? I wondered. I moved closer slowly, bending down in front of her. I reached out tentatively and took her hands. "I realized eventually that I was giving the man who raped me power by letting myself feel that way. You don't have to give your ex-husband that power. You don't have to let the good things he has perverted stop you from enjoying your future. Don't give him that power."
Slowly she raised her head to meet my eyes.
"It's that easy?" She asked me.
"No, it's not easy." I sighed. Saying it out loud now sounded so simple but I had struggled for years to overcome what had been done to me. Esme was going to have a long road in front of her as well. I did feel a stab of jealousy; unlike me she didn't have to face that road alone.
Esme took a deep breath, I saw it moving her shoulders back, and when she let it out, they stayed there, a little straighter. She gripped my hands with shaking fingers.
"I'm scared," she admitted.
"Of Carlisle?" I asked her, raising one eyebrow. She paused for a moment and then gave a short laugh and shook her head.
"No, no, not of Carlisle. I don't think I could ever be scared of Carlisle."
"Then what do you have to be afraid of? It won't be perfect at first but you love him and he loves you so you'll keep at it."
"Practice makes perfect?" She asked me with a laugh threatening in her voice.
"Why would sex be an exception to that rule?" I asked. It was nice to laugh with Esme, even as tempered as our laughter was then. Maybe I was too hard on her at first, I thought. It seems we have more in common than I realized.
"Thank you Irina. I know this… all this, isn't easy for you. Seeing Carlisle and I so happy…" Esme said, compassion in her eyes and her hands surer as they squeezed mine. I was very glad at that moment that I had listened to my better side. (Though I was still angry with Edward.)
"I really wanted to be able to hate you when I first arrived," I told her honestly, "but I'm much happier to know we can be friends." I smiled a genuine smile at my cousin-to-be for the first time. Esme's answering smile was warm and kind. To my own surprise I found myself looking forward to the morning and the wedding.
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Carlisle
.
The first snow was falling outside the windows of the little Chapel. It had started early that morning and begun to stick to the trees and the grass by mid morning. Now as the sun passed overhead behind the cloud cover the world was blanketed in the thinnest layer of white. It was the only decoration for the occasion. The little Chapel, a small stone building that rarely held service was empty but for Eleazar, Edward, the officiant and myself.
It didn't seem quite real to me yet even as I was standing there. It hadn't been so long ago that I had first met her in that little wooden office that smelled of foul medicine. It hadn't been that long since she first held my hand on the hospital bed sheet overs, flowing blood pressing through her burning hot skin against my cold, solid fingers. It hadn't been that long since I had first kissed her, thoughtlessly because I didn't know what else to do, because I needed to. How did it all fit in that short amount of time? She couldn't really be coming.
Wasn't it more plausible that I dreamed up her ever asking me? Maybe I dreamed up the trip to Columbus and she had never really felt the same way for me. Maybe she did at one time but after changing her she couldn't see the kind doctor anymore just the desperate lonely monster who had stolen her away. Or I dreamed up that she had survived that fall because without her in the world what was the point. Her life with me was all my heartbroken delusion. Insanity seemed more reasonable than the truth. That she would accept this terrible life so quickly and happily, accept me enthusiastically, ask me to marry her? No, insanity made more sense.
"She's outside already," Edward said behind me. "Decide, are you marrying a figment of your imagination or a woman who needs you just as much as you need her?"
I know, Son, I thought to him turning to give him my best withering look, but when I can't see her for myself, I can't quite make my mind believe the truth.
"Then turn around," he mouthed the words to me. I heard the doors opening and looked back to see. Tanya and Kate in beautiful pale dresses come floating down the aisle with Carmen in gray between them. Esme followed behind them, holding, to my surprise, Irina's arm. Irina was genuinely smiling encouragingly at Esme. I could barely give a passing thought to the turn around in their friendship though because Esme was walking toward me.
It was really her. She caught my eyes with her own and her tentative smile became wide, her worries melting away and the fullness appearing in her cheeks that I loved. She looked beautiful dressed all in white. Her gown was made of lace, with an empire waist and pleats of thin floating fabric just above her ankles, barely trailing on the floor behind her as she walked. Against her skin and the lace, her hair looked dark. It was held close around her heart-shaped face by the net veil that tucked in around her ears. Gold embroidery glinted on the high collar of her dress and on her wrist where Elizabeth Masen's bracelet hung, her only jewelry, and that was fitting. The bouquet in her hand was made of red winter flowering quince and fragrant evergreen leaves. Just under the spiny green leaves was a flash of blue, the little blue button sewn onto her glove to replace a lost one. She paused to pass the bouquet to Irina before she took my hands.
Feeling her solid hands, the same temperature as mine and just as hard and smooth, it finally felt real. I barely heard what the minister was saying because I was looking into her eyes, warm buttery golden orbs looking back at me. Of course she was really there, I couldn't have dreamed up the days with her any more than I could erase them. I never could have imagined all her kindness or all the mistakes that I had made. I couldn't have dreamed up her forgiveness or the warm feeling of my heart swelling out of my chest.
Very softly behind me Edward cleared his throat and I caught the minister's last words
"…or forever hold their peace." He said and for a moment chapel was silent. I swallowed, unsure if I would have the voice to speak.
"I, Carlisle Cullen, take you, Esme Anne, to be my wedded Wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in times of hardship and in times of prosperity, to love and to cherish, to protect and to support, as long as we both shall live, in the presence of the Lord, I do so vow." My last words were breathless yet they echoed in the rafters.
"I, Esme Anne," she said, her voice soft but growing more sure as she repeated my words. Her eyes never left mine and they never wavered. Her grip on my hands was firm and steady. Her trust meant as much to me as her vows, perhaps more. I knew she would always be there as she always had been. It would take forces stronger than death to tear us apart now. "I do so vow," she answered me, her voice clear and ringing off the stone and stained glass.
Edward produced the rings and Esme removed her gloves, the little blue button winking in the low light. I slid the simple band onto her finger, pressing the inscription against her skin.
She placed the larger ring on my finger, smiling to see it there, glimmering with a warm light against the pale back of my hand.
"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."
But I didn't. Esme jumped into my arms, her own winding around my neck. She kissed me deeply. Around us our family clapped happily and laughed. Edward's deep chuckle lasted the longest, even after Esme had released me looking very embarrassed, her lip between her teeth but the corners of her mouth pulling up in a smile.
Tanya and Eleazar happily swapped taking pictures in the snowy churchyard after we thanked the bemused minister. I doubted he had ever seen a wedding party like ours or would ever see one like it afterward. Finally the camera was spent and everyone crowded round on some signal I had missed. Edward pulled an envelope from his pocket and held it out to Esme.
"What's this?" I asked him.
"Your honeymoon."
"Edward," Esme frowned. "You said you were getting us a room at the hotel for the night."
"Yes, well I lied," he said with his lopsided, arrogant grin. Esme opened the envelope to reveal a key and a note with directions and an address. "I think you'll forgive me."
Esme looked at me, excited and apprehensive at the same time. I think my expression was much the same.
"Well, get going," Tanya said, grabbing my arm and pulling me toward the car on the curb. "You have a whole week. Send us a letter when you get back," she said to Esme and placed a kiss on her cheek.
"Kate," Esme said before she got in the car, "would you show Irina where the painting is."
"Yes, of course. We'll all enjoy it." Kate assured her and hugged her new cousin goodbye.
Irina hugged Esme just as tightly and whispered something so low and soft into her ear that I didn't catch it. I think if Esme could have cried, she would have out of gratitude from the look on her face. Instead she just nodded to Irina, her expression a mixture of overwhelming emotions.
Carmen gave her a kiss on each cheek and sent one last look my way. Gravely I nodded to her and to my surprise she smiled. It seemed she had more faith in me than I did in myself.
Edward hugged her last and then leaned through the passenger window when she was inside the car with me.
"Eleazar thinks I should warn you not to break any furniture, it might be hard to explain," He said in the open window. He just laughed at my expression of shock and horror. "See you in a week." Esme rolled up the window and I pulled away from the curb. As we drove the snow started to fall lightly again all around us. The dim light bounced off the gold band on my finger looking like a bit of trapped sunlight in the white landscape. I looked over at Esme to find her looking at me with a lingering, unconscious smile.
"What are you thinking about?" I asked her, reaching up thoughtlessly to brush her cheek. She caught my hand and held it there.
"I was thinking this is dawn and I'm going to wake up."
"I'll be there if you do," I replied and she nodded back at me.
.
Esme
.
Edward's directions led us east and then north toward the Salmon River Reservoir in Oswego County. Soon we were cutting tracks in the light snow covering on a seldom-used road into the woods. The long drive our instructions took us to ended with a small wooden bridge over a half frozen brook. In a thinning of trees was the little cabin. It was an old Dutch beam style construction house with cheery red shutters and the roof white with snow. I couldn't help but smile at the inviting little building.
"It's perfect," I whispered.
"Remote and secluded," Carlisle said, shaking his head. "We have to thank him somehow."
"I think this may be for his benefit as well," I chuckled a little nervously, "considering the number of time he has… um walked in on us."
"'Barged in' may be a better description," Carlisle muttered. He pulled the car up beside the house. He was around to open the door for me in a flash. Even just his hand holding mine as I got out of the car felt like an electric shock, pleasant but not unlike Kate's firetouch. I knew if my heart could still beat it would be fluttering erratically.
Before I could walk two steps toward the door my feet were swept out from under me and I was lifted into the air. It startled a laugh out of my tight chest.
"Carlisle!" I gasped.
"Of all people, I think I can be faulted least for being old fashioned," he replied as he carried me, as easily as if I were light as air toward the house. Veil and lace billowed around me and caught some of last falling flakes of snow. They settled in his hair, white on pale blond. Nothing was quite like it was supposed to be for our wedding yet it was perfect all the same, I thought, looking at his perfect face. His warm golden eyes caught me staring and gave me a curious look. All of the world I could see was white and gold in that moment and I didn't want it to end. It was too perfect.
"What are you thinking, love?" He asked me, stopping on the snow-covered path.
"I'm thinking…" I paused not quite sure what I was thinking. Patiently he waited through my deliberations until I said finally, "I'm thinking I don't want to go inside because I'm so happy in this moment right here."
"And you don't think tonight will be the same?" He asked me. There was a somber sadness and reluctance that mirrored my own on his face.
"I—I don't know, that's why I don't want this to end."
"I don't either." He admitted. "It's ok to be… hesitant about this, the physical part. I don't know what you're going through but I think I can understand."
"You do?" I asked him in surprised. Could he know that I was terrified and yet I yearned for him with an ache that burned? Could he understand I loved him more than earth under my feet and the very existence of light but I couldn't think of being naked in his presence without wanting to run as fast as my legs could carry me away from him?
"You have made some good friends this past week and Carmen expected you might have trepidations. She gave me a rather passionate warming last night informed by her own experiences. So I don't know if tonight will be as perfect as today was, in all likelihood it won't. But I want to give it the chance."
I stared into his hopeful eyes, supported in his arms, pondering his words. What did Carmen tell him? I wondered but I was too scared to ask at that moment. Instead I took a deep breathe and bit my lip.
"You know my dreams never got this far," I told him.
"Never?" He asked in surprised.
"Did yours?"
"I—I am a man." He admitted with some shame in his voice. "I think it's a bit late to try and hide that from you. What were your dreams about, would you tell me sometime?"
"Maybe sometime," I stalled. "They'll probably seem silly to you."
"I doubt that very much," he said seriously.
"Mostly they were about everyday things… and what you would have done differently from…" I trailed off. On such a perfect day, it didn't seem right to talk about him. I moved on quickly, and my motivation to avoid the odious subject gave me courage. "When I imagined our wedding it was always different, maybe we ran off on the spur of the moment or had a long separated engagement that only ended when I saw you on the day. But I didn't think much about…" I swallowed, "… what came afterward. It's silly, I know." I looked down at my veil as I fiddled with it.
"Not at all," he said with a soft chuckle.
"Then why are you laughing?" I accused, slightly stung.
"Because they sound so much like my dreams of you," he defended. "I don't think they're silly."
"I don't believe you."
"Really, they are that different. I always thought it would be a small ceremony, maybe in a garden or in my wilder dreams a sunny beach, you'd look beautiful even if it were impossible. I used to think about the places I might take you on our honeymoon, even before I learned you wanted to travel, and to be honest I plan on taking you all of those places and more."
"Where?"
"Paris for a start—I know it's not original but I think you'll love it there. I was thinking we could go in a few years… a kind of anniversary honeymoon."
"We've only been married a few hours," I said with a laugh, "and you're planning our anniversary?"
"I am always planning ways to make you happy," he replied, eyes dark and intense on mine in a way that had nothing to do with thirst. I drew a shuddering breath and swallowed.
"You do that every minute just by being here, with me," I replied. I'm being stupid about this, I told myself. Remember what Irina said. This is Carlisle not Charles. There's nothing to be scared of because I know Carlisle will never hurt me. I just have to be honest with him… and I think I can do that?
"I'm ready to go inside now," I whispered and he nodded, smiling but his eyes were serious. He carried me the rest of the way up the path and I opened the lock for him with the key Edward had given me. He carried me into the cozy little cabin where the embers of a banked fire were burning in the stone hearth and the smells of dried lavender and hard wood swirled around us. I took a deep breath of the new smells and caught the hint of something familiar.
"For some reason," I said, "it smells like the place we lived in Ashland."
"It does," Carlisle agreed.
"It smells like home," I sighed.
"Then welcome home, Mrs. Cullen," he whispered into my hair and a smile spread uncontrollably across my face. I leaned closer into his arms.
"I like the way that sounds."
"Mmmm, I do too," he sighed, his smell mixing with all the aromas of the house and soothing my worries.
"Shall we explore a little further?" He asked and set me down lightly on my feet. I nodded. He took my right hand with his left and I could feel the band of gold against my palm on his ring finger.
The cabin was a long building with an open plan. The front room was both the living and dinning room, the latter covered by the upstairs loft. Past a half wall was the kitchen on the west side of the building and on the east a little foyer and the back door. We climbed the spiraling stairs up into the loft bedroom nestled under the open-beamed ceiling of the steep roof. A large bed against the upright wall dominated the space. The headboard was carved in modern curling sinuous patterns and the bedclothes were pale white cream and light yellow draping to the floor. A door on one side of the bed lead back to a small bathroom and on the other side seemed to open onto a snow-covered terrace. It was perfect and yet the sight of it sent me into trembling terror. Carlisle felt it through our locked hands. I saw him look back at me, pausing and debating.
"Would you like to go hunting first?" he asked me. "It's a new area to explore at the least and the snow isn't falling hard."
"Yes," I quickly jumped on the idea. "That sounds good." I looked down at my dress, not really suited for hunting and around the room for our bags, which Edward was supposed to send ahead to the 'hotel'. My small suitcase, the very one I had carried from the farm on my first wedding, sat beside Carlisle's duffle bag on the wooden chest against the railing.
"I should change."
"I'll give you a moment of privacy," he said nodding and turned to head back down the stairs.
"Actually," I stopped him in a moment of bravery that deserted me after the first word. My voice shook as I continued, "would you help me?" He stood by the stairway looking perplexed for a moment and I fumbled to explain. "I—I mean you can stay… I want you to… I think… a little practice might help." I didn't know if he understood at first. He crossed the loft in a few steps, his face unreadable and reached out to brush my cheek as he had in the car. Tentatively, slowly, watching my face for any hesitation, he leaned down to kiss me with heartbreaking gentleness. I wasn't sure I wanted gentleness. I wanted passion, passion enough to make me forget my fears but It was that same passion also scared me.
"What ever makes this easier," he whispered when he pulled away. I licked my lip, tasting his unique flavor on my tongue, and nodded. He stood beside me as I opened my suitcase and removed one of the house dresses packed there. (Somewhere in the back of my mind I wondered which of the women had packed for me.)
I laid out the dress on the railing, turning my back to Carlisle. Trying to forget I wasn't alone, I took out the pins that held on my veil first, releasing my hair. I reached out to lay it across the closed suitcase and Carlisle's hand lifted it from mine to complete the motion. I glanced back at him over my shoulder, catching his eyes and his expression. It was cautious and patient.
Slowly I lifted by hair and bared for him the long strip of buttons down the back of my dress. I heard him take a deep breath and the floor creak under his feet as he stepped closer. It was strange to feel someone else slowly easing open each button and the fabric puling across my skin with every touch. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine Carlisle behind me. What is he looking at? What is he thinking? I wondered. He wasn't even breathing behind me, completely silent as he undressed me. Finally the last button was undone. For a moment he hesitated. My shaking became worse even as I tried to control it. I jumped at the first gentle tug on the fabric as he slowly eased it off my shoulders, one by one, bearing the thin straps of my slip and bare shoulders. I dropped my hair and pulled in my arms to let the dress slide off. Once free of my arms, Carlisle let it slide almost to the floor. I stepped out of it easily. He laid it carefully on top of the veil. I turned half way to see him in my periphery. I carefully bent at my knees to take off my shoes, careful not to let my slip slide too far up my thighs. Still I felt it rising over the top of my hose. Free of the shoes, I straightened quickly. I fumbled with the clasp of my bracelet, which I never wore hunting, but my hands shook so badly I could hardly manage it.
"Let me," Carlisle whispered and I jumped at the sound of his voice. I saw him take a step back and shook my head.
"I—I'm sorry," I whispered, my voice shaking as badly as my hands.
"You have nothing to be sorry for, Esme." He took a slow step forward and reached out one hand to gently unclasp the bracelet from my wrist. I let it slide onto his waiting palm. He placed it just as carefully as the other items on top of my wedding dress. "I'll wait for you downstairs," he said, picking up his own bag and left quickly. I sighed heavily in relief.
As soon as he was gone though my chest became tight and I longed to see him again. Why is this so complicated? I wanted to scream. Why can't I just want him without being scared of having him? But it wasn't really having Carlisle that scared me. I was scared of him having me. I was scared of what the passion I had felt so many times restrained in his kissed and touches might drive him to do when released. But I wanted more than the gentle chaste kiss he had given me earlier. I growled lowly to myself and pulled on the dress off the railing. I tied my hair back in a huff and found a pair of sensible shoes before heading downstairs. If they could my cheeks would have been burning in shame.
Carlisle was waiting at the back door of the little cottage, having changed as well. He held out his hand silently to me and smiled warmly.
"Shall we go see what the hunting is like?"
"We might be lucky enough to find bears getting ready to hibernate," I said, forcing myself to think about hunting. That at least would put off returning upstairs for a few hours.
"You would have to beat me to the bear," he challenged. "You're not as fast as you were a year ago."
"Still faster than you, I'd bet," I teased him.
"I'd bet a sleepy bear you're wrong," He said and took off into the trees.
Hunting was a good distraction and we did find bears, two large ones, which lightened my mood. We explored the empty forest around our little honeymoon cabin and located our nearest neighbors well out of even our earshot. It really was the perfect place. I even started thinking of ways to repay Edward and the Denali Coven. But soon enough the moon was rising, and Carlisle and I found ourselves back outside the little cottage. The snow was silver in the moonlight all around the little house. Carlisle ran ahead of me this time. As I approached at human pace I saw lights winking into flickering life in every window. When I walked in the whole cabin was lit with candles. Carlisle was standing in the foyer, waiting for me. The firelight bounced off his skin, throwing a barely visible rainbow every now and then. I sighed at the sight of him.
Carlisle opened his arms and I happily stepped into his embrace. For a long moment we stayed there, just holding each other and I could forget why we were up in the middle of nowhere alone together. Edward wasn't going to barge in on us this time. We had no reasons to hold back or wait but…
"We don't have to do anything tonight," he whispered to me, his thoughts on a similar track to mine. I was shaking my head before he was even finished speaking.
"No, waiting won't change anything. I—I'm ready to be your wife—in every way—even… even if it scares me a little." His arms loosened on my shoulders so he could lean back to look at my face.
"You're sure?" He asked me.
"Yes." I hoped my eyes could say what my lips couldn't: I need you close to me in every way that is bodily and emotionally possible because I've never loved anyone the way I love you. I want every day of forever with you, and the sooner this day is behind us, the sooner I can do that.
"Then, Mrs. Cullen," he said, taking a deep breath, "will you come to bed with me?"
In answer I took his hands, glancing down at the golden band reflecting the candle light on his finger. I held the image of it and led him toward the stairs. This time he followed me up into our loft suite. As soon as my feet touched the top of the stairs he sprung up beside me and caught me up in his arms again.
His lips found mine easily, kissing me deeply and passionately before I had a moment to be afraid, hands still and flat against my back, mine against his chest between us. I kissed him back, losing myself in the smell of him and the melting snow that still clung to both of us. I slid my hands up his neck and brushed one along his jaw, feeling the lines of his face while the other explored his hair, wind tossed and damp. My fingers found something hard and I giggled against his lips. He pulled away and I held up the twig from out of his hair between us.
"I think you were in a bit of a hurry to win that race," I joked.
"A pointless hurry, you're still faster than me. I think it comes with feminine grace," he replied, taking the stick and tossing it over his shoulder and the railing to fall on the living room carpet below.
"I promise not to tell Edward you said that," I whispered conspiratorially and he laughed just before I added, "out loud."
"You wouldn't," he gaped in mock humor and I swatted his chest playfully. It was easy to be with him this way, pretending that nothing was impending. He laughed with me and let me go turning to the chest where my wedding dress was laid out.
His back to me he started to unbutton his shirt. My eyes widened and a thrill of mixed fear and excitement shot through me. I sat down on the edge of the large bed before my knees could give out. My mind began to race again and quickly I looked for something new to distract me.
"W-what did Carmen say to you?" I asked him.
"She wanted to tell me about what it was like for her when she first met Eleazar," Carlisle explained, un-tucking his shirt. "In her human life she was not well treated by men, and she found it hard to trust her mate with her physically even if she trusted him intellectually." Carlisle sat down and took off his shoes, eyes downcast as he continued to explain. I let my eyes roam from his face down the perfect smooth planes of his chest.
"Carmen is a very observant woman and very respectful about the whole affair. She pulled me aside while we were in the library to tell me about her past because she was worried for you. Time gave her a better understanding of what was holding her back years ago and… I think she wanted to spare you the pain she went through." He finally looked up at me and smiled. "You've made good friends as I hoped you would."
"I have," I replied.
"Irina most surprisingly," he noted.
"Yes, that was surprising," I laughed, the sound nervous. "I don't think I'll explain just yet why… um, thing changed between us. It was… a private conversation."
"I won't ask then," he said. Charles had said that to me before but when he said it there was passive aggressive anger in his voice. Carlisle said it acceptingly, trusting my judgment.
"Thank you. I—I wouldn't want to betray her trust."
"I know," he nodded and stood up, slipping the shirt off his shoulders and letting it fall onto the top of the trunk. He quickly undid his belt buckle and pulled it out of the loops of his pants, laying it over the railing of the loft. I sighed without consciously deciding to do so, struck by how little I had really known of his beauty. He turned to me, barefoot and clothed only in the light colored, loose fitting pants that barely clung to his hips, and met my eyes evenly. I got up and went to his side, lifting his hands and leading him silently to my place on the bed. Obediently he sat there.
My turn, I thought nervously. He trust me and I trust him, I told myself and turned around, unbuttoning my dress as I walked back to the railing and the trunk. I slid off my shoes and pulled the dress over my head. Instead of wondering at his expression, this time I turned around to watch him. His eyes were locked on mine, his face serene and handsome, framed by his white-blond hair darkened with melted snow. Keeping my eyes on my new husband I untied my hair, shaking it out.
His golden eyes stayed locked on me.
I pulled the slip over my head and when it fell on top of the wedding dress he was still looking at my eyes. I stood now in a bra, the short skirt-like knickers, and hose, my bare skin exposed across my shoulders and at my midriff. My eyes on his, I leaned down and slid the stocking from my thigh down to my ankle. I laid the first one over my slip on the trunk. Still his eyes had never left mine.
"Aren't you going to watch?" I asked him, my voice no more than a whisper.
"I am watching," he assured me, gaze unwavering.
I slid the second stocking off. My shaking hands were slow with the ties of my bra, but I could manage. Even as it fell away his eyes didn't leave mine, though something was slowly changing on his face. I swallowed and released the tie on my last piece of clothing. I let it go reluctantly, giving it to gravity to pull down over the curve of my hips and down to the floor. I heard the sudden breath he drew in.
Slowly I walked toward him, my steps small. He didn't move or reach to touch me until I was almost between his knees.
"You're beautiful," he whispered, hands on my sides, neither low nor high and light against my skin. I shuddered both into and away from his touch. I felt his hands pulling away, misunderstanding. I didn't want him to stop. I wanted more.
Not trusting my voice I reached out of his face instead, holding it on both sides, and bent to kiss him passionately, begging with my lips silently when they failed at speech. His hands returned to press more firmly against my skin, holding me in place. His mouth opened under my lips and I could taste his breath. For a dizzying moment my tongue met his and the new feeling made me tense up. He pulled away and a moan escaped from between my teeth. He was breathing shallowly and his eyes as they met mine were dark. My hands still framed his face and I brushed a thumb over his lips, feeling his breath past my skin.
This time I pulled him to me, and he rose up to kiss me, coming closer, bending over me. My breasts brushed against his chest and gentle unexpected contact sent the fire in my core blazing. I pressed myself closer, letting one hand slide down from his jaw to his chest, tracing the smooth skin with my fingers as I had with my eyes. He let go of my sides to wrap his arms around my back. My hand had reached his abs, running over the muscles there and around to his hip. I trailed my finger's lower to run along his waistband.
Carlisle gasped suddenly, breaking the kiss and pressing his forehead against mine, eyes pressed shut and he leaned into me. For a moment I was sure I wanted him more than anything else in the world and I dropped both hands to the button of his pants. Released they fell, claimed too by gravity. Just as they hit the floor his arms tightened around me, lifting me off the ground. For one heart stopping second I was his captive, spinning around in the air and then I was lying back on the bed.
For a moment his arms were gone as he dashed around the other side of the bed to lay down beside me on top of the white and yellow duvet. Then he was beside me, leaning on one arm and eyes intent on my face. I swallowed. I was finally there, in bed with him and all my boldness and surety was gone. I suddenly felt every bit as naked as I was lying there before him and I wished he'd never let me go. I ached to be back in his arms but my own treacherous appendages stayed limp on the covers at my side. My legs were tensed to run but I wondered if I could even make it to the stairs.
"Esme," he breathed my name in his reverent way, somehow making it sound different from anyone else who had ever spoken it. He brushed on hand gently across my cheek. He reached down, arm hovering over my body. For a moment I was terrified he would drop his hand to my chest, my breast, my abdomen and the thought raised Goosebumps on my arms. But his hand lifted my own and two gold flashes tore my gaze from his face. He lifted my hand slowly to his lips and kissed the wedding band on my finger.
"Please, Esme," he whispered and for a moment I thought he was asking for me to give in to him. "Please, tell me what you want."
"You," my response was barely conscious. I rolled toward him and he reached out for me, dragging our bodies together as our lips met again. This time I was excited when his tongue slid against mine and leaned into the open mouthed kiss. His hand slid slowly up my chest to lightly hold my breast and I pressed into his touch. He was gentle, his hand massaging and the tip gripped lightly between his fingers. I moaned against his kiss and he just kissed me harder, pressing closer to me but the warmth spreading in my core wanted more. His hand slid down my side again to my hip where his thumb traced maddening circles on my skin.
His lips pulled away from mine and I slid my hand into his hair, holding his face close to mine.
"Promise me," he said breathlessly, "you'll stop me if this isn't what you want. At any time, just say the word and I'll stop." He kissed my cheeks and forehead, one arm holding me close by my shoulders and the other hand gripping my hip. "Promise me."
"I promise," I nodded, not quite believing. His hand on my hip slid down even further over the bare skin of my thigh to my knee and hooked it there. Slowly he rolled, pulling me with him, till I was hovering, straddled over him. Charles would never have allowed me to do that. I looked down into Carlisle's warm eyes, feeling his hand sliding up my leg to my hip and tracing circles with his thumb again. I moaned and leaned down to capture his lips frantically, cutting off a low moan from escaping him.
I wanted to hear those beautiful noises—noises that were mine—he was making because of me so I pulled my lips away from his, trailing them over his chin and up his jaw, leaning down further and letting my breast press against his chest. His groan of pleasure became a soft growl that was also mine. I wanted more. I pressed an open-mouthed kiss just under the end of his jaw and he gasped, arching into my body, hands unconsciously moving to hold my hips. He dragged my pelvis toward him, thumbs pressed into the hollows of my hips. Suddenly I was standing up in a dimly lit kitchen and my back was pressed painfully against the counter top, his hands too hard on my hips, thumbs digging in to the tender hollows, and his body trapping me, pinning me, thrusting, pounding against me.
"Stop!" I whimpered, before I could bit my tongue. I flinched for the blow that would follow.
But nothing came. The hands on my hips were gone. The pressure against my body disappeared and with it the ghost impression of the kitchen counter on my back faded. I was on my hands and knees, on a bed, not standing up in a kitchen. It was Carlisle's golden eyes looking worriedly back at me not Charles dark brown with pupils blown out. Charles was gone, hundreds of miles away with no claim on me anymore. I was a thousand times stronger than he was and the beautiful man looking up at me with guilt creeping into his amber eyes was my loving husband.
Carlisle had meant it. At one word from me he had let me go, given me back control and freedom. There wasn't even a moment of hesitation or one last grasp. The word had bound him just as he said it would. For a moment we were completely still as my mind raced through all of this. My heart surged with love for the man between my arms, weighing in my chest comfortably while the warmth in my core became demanding.
"Oh," I said softly.
Then I was kissing him again, all of my reservations aside. I lowered myself onto his body, pressing my hips where his hands had pressed them moments before but something was inexplicably different. Tentatively his hands returned to where they were, but he was still holding back. It angered me more than I thought it should, and pulling away from his lips I growled. The sound did strange things to his body, contorting his face in a look of painful longing.
"I want you," I growled at him, rolling my hips against his and he gasped. Every noise of pleasure and ache sent the burning inside me hotter. Lowering my lips to the spot on his neck where I had placed the last kiss I growled one last word, "now!"
It was like watching a rope snap. His hands became sure and stead on my hips, firmly guiding me to him. I couldn't hold back the gasp of surprise and shocking pleasure when he found my opening. He didn't pull me toward him though I felt his hands shaking and his breath coming short. Carlisle let me slide myself slowly lower over him at my own pace, taking in every inch. I rolled my hips, feeling him inside me and against me. I watched his face, his eyes half lidded with pleasure and reacting to every slight movement.
He followed my rhythm, as I started slow, moving against him. His hands ran up and down my sides, caressing every inch that he could reach, one settling on my back and the other on my hip as I picked up speed, with my growing confidence. Suddenly it wasn't just pleasure driving me but a need I didn't recognize, strange and new it took hold of me like thirst and drove me faster and faster. It didn't matter where I was or why, all I knew was Carlisle moving against me, giving me what I needed most.
Hitting the climax was like falling only a million times better. It was plunging into the lake to see the beautiful swirls of the bubbles that followed. It was like blowing dust into a ray of sunshine and feeling the golden swirls in every inch of my body. It was my hand in Carlisle's hair, his scent in my nose and mouth, his taste on my lips, his skin against mine, nothing between us and knowing his every thought was on me.
I surfaced slowly out of ecstasy to see his beautiful golden eyes. His hands moved up to cup my cheek and brush curls of my hair over my shoulder. His finger tips against my bare skin made me shiver wonderfully and to my surprise he moaned at the movement of my body, still pressed against his.
"Oh, Esme," he breathed my name and I smiled. I felt an entirely new and very welcome feeling of possessive satisfaction. This beautiful, perfect man underneath me was mine in every way possible and I was his.
Reluctantly I sat up and slid myself free of him, shifting over to lay out on the covers beside him. My limbs felt heavy and full of liquid instead of muscle. I was as close to physically tired as I had felt since being changed. I was still happily floating down from the rush of our love-making and in no hurry to escape it.
"Are you alright?" Carlisle's question surprised me and I turned to look at him.
"Yes! Yes is… is not enough," I fumbled for words, "I'm… I don't even know how to say… I've never felt better than this!" But as the words passed my lips I knew they were a lie. I had only one experience that was better and it burned in my memory with a terrible guilt. The taste of human blood outshone the moment if only for the one instant of perfect gratification when the thick warm liquid hit my throat. "Almost, never better…" I admitted in a whisper.
"What…?" His question trailed off and he quickly pressed his lips together. "But not bad?" He asked me.
"Th—this? You were… you were worried that I didn't enjoy myself?" I asked him.
"To be honest I… I found it hard to think of anything but the way you… the way you seemed to want me." He chuckled. "I knew how much I wanted you. But I wasn't prepared for how much I wanted you to want me."
I laughed and grinned at him, shaking my head against the covers.
"Is that funny?" He asked me.
"No, it's… it's the same for me." I sighed and happily closed my eyes, listening to his breathing. I knew I was completely naked, laid out before him and vulnerable, but it felt intrinsically right. Why had I so recently been scared of this? I propped myself up on my elbow, already feeling recovered.
Carlisle was lying back with his eyes closed. His left arm was at his side between us and his right was above his head, fingers half curled. I let my eyes wander down his chest, his hips, his cock glistening with my own liquid, his long muscled legs and then back up, following every line. I wished suddenly I had my sketchbook. I locked every line into my perfect memory so I could draw him later, just like this. I was sure I could capture his body but I doubted I could do justice to the look of serenity on his face. His eyes opened to meet mine.
"What are you thinking, love?" he asked me.
"I'm thinking… I love it when you call me that. I'm thinking you're beautiful and I don't know how I'll ever let you get dressed again. I'm thinking I was foolish for wanting to stay outside because I'm happier now than I was then. I'm thinking I couldn't have dreamed this up so I can't be asleep and I'll never wake up. This is the first day of the rest of my eternity with you and I'm impatient." I laughed at myself. All the words that I had struggled to get out today were finally starting to make it to my tongue. I reached out and took his left hand from the covers between us, lifting it to my lips. I pressed a kiss to the golden band there, my physical claim on this godlike creature.
"I feel a bit like a thief," I said with a coy smile.
"What have you stolen, little thief?"
"Your love," I whispered, leaning over to kiss him. He chuckled as I pulled away and shook his head.
"My virginity maybe," he sighed, "but my love was always yours."
"That—that was your first…" I gaped at him. "You never said!"
"It didn't seem important." He shrugged, still smiling.
"But… you seemed so sure of yourself." I muttered. I was remembering my first fumbling nights with Charles, in the time before he had become violent and demanding but even those had been nothing close to the experience I'd just had.
"I am a doctor," Carlisle reminded me, propping himself up on his elbows to kiss my cheek. "I do know something about how this works."
"They teach these things in medical school?" I raised an eyebrow at him.
"Well, I wouldn't call it required reading but it was informative," he replied and leaned over to kiss my neck.
"What else did you learn?" I asked him.
"Only theories really." The breath of his words rippled over my sensitive skin and I bit back a moan at my lips.
"Perhaps we should test them in practical application, for educational purposes of course," I suggested, lowering myself back to the bed and he followed me. He reached one arm over to hold my waist.
"Are you ready for that?" He asked. In answer I trailed one hand up his arm from my waist to his shoulder, down the smooth ridges of his back over his hip and forward. His groan became a growl when my hand closed around his length and slid up to the base of his shaft slowly.
"You seem to be," I murmured right beside his ear, feeling him growing harder under my hand.
"If you are," he whispered, pulling back to look into my eyes. He judged my face, searching for any hesitation but there was none to find. I slid my other hand between his side and the duvet, gently pushing him overtop me. He moved cautiously, drawn by the movement of my hand on his shaft but his eyes never leaving mine. I parted my legs for him, shaking again but this time with anticipation.
"My wonderful husband," I said, "please, make love to me."
Carlisle's passionate lips found mine and he lowered himself down to me. My last coherent thought was of Irina and what she had said to me. I knew my memories of Charles weren't gone and I would still have to fight them for years to come but I didn't have to give that man anything else. I was starting to take away his power over me, little by little. Letting Carlisle into my life and intimacy was one important step. It was one joy that Charles didn't and couldn't deny me anymore.
"I love you," I whispered to my husband just before he slipped inside of me.
"And I love you," he whispered back, his left hand brushed back my hair and lifted my face to meet his lips as he gave me everything I wanted and more.
.
Though twilight's gloom lies still ahead
I shall feel neither fear nor dread,
But walk the path laid out for me
With faith in fate's fine strategy;
For her design brought me to you
And her intent will see us through.
Thus what ordeals await us there,
Hand in hand, their pains we'll share
.
The End
Author's Note: So I have some Epilogues (yes plural) that go through the first years of their marriage and Edward leaving and returning (and maybe further). If you want to see those or have requests for other moments you want me to write please leave a review or a message. Hope you enjoyed it. -Ember