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It had been a few weeks since I started working with Damon. So far, not terrible. I mean, he's great at what he does and he really helps me. But it does not help when he comes in on a Monday morning with that gorgeous scruff, dark sunglasses and all black-ensemble. It's hard to concentrate. He always brings me a tea with his coffee, which always makes me smile.
But he's definitely not shy about holding back when he doesn't like something I do. Whether that's my songs or even the way I sing them. We've gotten into a lot of fights over the past few weeks. I mean, I know my songs better than anyone right? I used to give in to him easily but lately I've been putting my foot down. I find that helps me to understand when he's being a jerk and when he really believes in something. If he continues to fight when I shout right back at him, it means he really believes I need to change something. If he doesn't, it means he's just being a dick for the hell of it. I think I'm the only person who's ever given back to him exactly what he gives, it threw him off originally but now, I think he kind of likes it. Which of course, I hate because he gets this gorgeous, no annoying, smirk on his face.
All the other people I've met here though are great. Elijah introduced me to Bonnie the other day. He calls her the hero around here. She's mainly choreography but she also does hair, makeup and costumes. She's so sweet and one of the only people I've met who doesn't seem to fall at Damon's feet so I like her more already. We've started going running together because she says I need to get my cardio up for when we start choreography sessions. She's great to talk to, as she knows everything about everyone. I think so far, she's my favourite person I've met because of this new job. I'm going to introduce her to Caroline soon, I think they'd get along great and it would be nice to have friends on both the inside and outside of the industry.
I'm heading into the studio this morning even though Damon's not going to be there today. I'm hoping I can figure out this song we've been working on without him. He keeps changing it all the time and neither of us can seem to be able to work out what's going wrong. I want to work without him breathing down my neck for once. Not just because it's annoying but also because it's so distracting. A couple of times we've naturally moved closer to each other during sessions, only to find that when we stop, we're practically on top of each other. This always leads to another of his famous smirks, which distract me further. I just can't with this man some days.
I'm in the room that now houses my guitar and songbooks sitting cross-legged on the sofa I love so much (it's so comfortable I might steal it for the house one night), playing my guitar. Papers are spread all around me as I try to make this chord progression work with my lyrics. I'm so frustrated I cannot believe it. The trashcan is overflowing with crumpled paper of failed attempts and I can't even see the floor anymore with how many books I have open around me. Eventually, I get so sick of playing the same things over and over; I put my guitar down and get off the sofa.
I begin to walk around the hallways of the studio floor, hoping to gain inspiration or maybe just clarity, I don't know. The walls are lined with photos of artists performing and records showing when albums went platinum, some of them many times over. There are photos of artists I admire with Elijah and Damon. Eventually, I get to the last door in the hallway. I've never been down this far before. I open the door to find a gorgeous white baby grand piano. My jaw drops. I have never seen anything this beautiful before. It's so amazing. The lights are dim in this room and there is nothing but a rug and the piano. It's all the room needs I guess. My mother would have loved this piano. I remember us playing on one in a store once. We always said one day we would have enough money to buy one. But that day never came in her lifetime. I sit down at it and open the top. The keys feel smooth and cold under my fingers. I suddenly have the urge to make them warm. I want to know what it would sound like.
I have a song in my head that I started writing when I signed on to come and work here. It's the only one I've written for the piano, everything else is for guitar. I take a deep breath, close my eyes and start to play.
"Get a load of me, get a load of you
Walking down the street, and I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be
Holding hands with you, and we're out at night
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right
And I've got someone waiting too
Is, this is just the beginning
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Isn't this the best part of breaking up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too
It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful
Here we are, we're at the beginning
We haven't fucked yet, but my heads spinning
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
I'd love for you to make me wonder
Where it's going
I'd love for you to pull me under
Something's growing
For this that we can control
Baby I am dying
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you."
I take a huge breath once I finish. It's the first time I've played a full song on a piano in a while. It feels so good, but also kind of like I'm cheating on mum. Like I should be playing our piano at home and only that piano. I take my hands off the keys and begin to open my eyes when I hear someone.
"Elena." Damon's voice breaks through my brain.
Oh crap. No, no, no, no, no. He cannot have just heard that.
"Are you going to open your eyes any time soon?"
I can't bring myself to. I slowly open them and come face to face with the blue eyes of the man I was just singing about. But he can't know that! Get your shit together Elena. I open my mouth to speak when he asks, "When did you write that?"
Oh shit. No, no, no. He's looking at me in that way. He knows. No.
"I have to go."
"Elena!"
I don't stop jogging until I'm home. I guess I won't need to go running with Bonnie today. I've run farther than I even thought possible. I've left everything at the studio. I'll have to get Bonnie to pick them up for me. Hopefully Jer's home and he can let me in the house. I need a bath. I need to forget today happened. Oh, boy.
The song in this chapter is called, "Why Can't I" by Liz Phair.
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