Chapter 17
Just feel
It was late in the evening and the white noise of people rushing to and fro in the hospital corridor had died down. Korra had fallen asleep with her history book in her lap. Asami lifted the text from her tan hands and placed it on the table next to her. She sunk into the bedside chair, feeling the weight of her actions on her shoulders.
She felt ashamed for only two of her stupid moves: breaking down in front of the Dean and taking her anger out on Korra. If anything, she should be feeling guilt for what she did to Sentai, but she harbored no such emotions. She felt idiotic, perhaps, but in no way did she feel sympathy for him. It was this notion, this darkness inside her, which kept her awake, her nose in her studies, looking for a distraction.
Why? Why does anyone support him? Am I missing something? Is it just because I don't like him that I believe everyone else should do the same?
The engineer racked her mind, all focus on the calculus in front of her gone.
The injured woman stirred in her sheets, but went unnoticed.
'Sentai could get fired for grading the exam with bias.' She recalled the conversation she had with Korra when the Dean forced their chemistry professor to regrade her test.
The Southerner began to sweat on the bed.
Grading with bias. Grading with bias. Was he grading others with bias? She shook her head. If he had been cheating people out of points, more students would have spoken up about it. Unless he was giving them points, not taking them away.
Korra started to pant and grip at the linens. Her eyes were sealed shut.
Asami dropped her homework onto her thighs and stared at the papers, oblivious in her ruminations. She recollected the description of the men who attacked Korra. 'Big, tall, bulky.' How does this all connect?
"No..! No!"
Her thoughts were interrupted when Korra started thrashing and screaming against the bed.
"Get away from me! Get AWAY!"
Asami jumped up to her feet and put her hands on the younger woman's shoulders.
"Korra. Korra!"
The Water Tribe girl continued convulsing against Asami's palms.
"It's just a dream. It's just a nightmare, Korra." She spoke in a soothing tone, trying to steady the girl beneath her. "You're not in danger. You're safe here."
The Southerner jumped up, tears in her eyes, gasping for breath. She screeched from the pain she inflicted on herself from the sudden movement and fell into Asami's arms.
The engineer stroked Korra's hair and hugged her against her shoulder. "It's okay, you're safe with me."
Korra buried her face in Asami's neck and quivered.
"Was it about the attack?"
She nodded. The older woman tightened her embrace and rubbed the injured girl's back. Korra melted into her until her heaves calmed into quiet murmurs. Before she knew it, she was asleep in the engineer's arms.
Asami laid her back onto the bed and tucked the sheet around her. Her hand lingered on the woman's left cheek, her finger tousling a piece of loose, dark brown hair. Exhaustion was clear on both of their faces, though the intensity of each differed. How long has she been unable to sleep from these dreams? She pushed the strand she had been fiddling with behind Korra's ear and returned to her seat beside the slumbering girl. She picked her notes up from the floor and immersed herself in her work.
(-)
It wasn't long until Korra started thrashing again.
"No! No, please. Please stop! You said if I begged, you would stop! Please…" There was an agony in her voice that overwhelmed Asami. The engineer couldn't ease her own emotions, let alone another's. She took a breath to gather her strength.
Get it together, Asami. She needs you.
"Korra," she whispered, pulling the panicking girl against her. She cradled her head and caressed her back.
"Asami?" the injured woman uttered, lids still closed. She grasped for anything in front of her to convince herself that this wasn't just another part of her dream, some cruel trick before the men returned to beat her. Her hands clutched onto the woman embracing her.
"Yes, it's me. You're having another nightmare. You're not in any physical danger right now. You're safe."
The Southerner relaxed as the images of her aggressors faded from her sight and were replaced with the bright light from the lamp at her bedside. She curled into Asami, tears down her cheeks. "Did I wake you?"
The engineer shook her head. "I was already up."
Korra pulled away and stared into puffy green eyes. She wiped the streaks off of Asami's face before dropping her gaze.
"Have you been able to sleep since you woke up yesterday?"
"Not really, no. I hate this, Asami. I hate it so much." The brunette twiddled her injured fingers, fatigue throbbing throughout her.
Maybe if –
She wouldn't.
Why wouldn't she?
You shouldn't ask.
But what harm could come from it?
"Do you think, maybe…you could…" Korra trailed off, second guessing and ultimately shutting the idea down in her head.
The older woman lifted the Water Tribe girl's chin so that their pupils met. "How can I help?"
Korra's face turned into a deep shade of red. It was then that she realized the distance between their bodies. She could feel heat radiate from Asami's skin. The hand that wasn't on her jaw was burning a hole through her shoulder. Their knees were touching. She… I… Korra, say something.
"Korra?" The engineer brushed fresh tears away from the cut on her tan cheek.
"I can't sleep, Asami! Every time I close my eyes, all I see is them. Every time I open them, I see what they did to me. It's driving me crazy! There's nothing I can do to change what happened and that just bothers me. It keeps haunting me. The only time I seem to be able to even bear shutting my eyes is when you're wrapped around me." She froze and whimpered, burying her face in her shaking hands.
Why did I say it like that? That didn't come out right at all. Dammit, Korra!
Without a word, Asami crawled away from the frustrated girl. She positioned herself on the side of the bed and propped her torso on the pillows at the head. With a delicate gesture, she pulled Korra to her chest. The younger woman settled into her without thought, allowing the hand around her shoulders to bring her closer. She nuzzled into the shoulder of the porcelain beauty beside her. Asami ran her fingers along Korra's hair in gentle patterns, knowing such actions brought peace to the girl in her arms. She felt the tension leave the injured woman's body as she grew heavy with sleep.
"Asami…" Korra whispered in a half-content, half-groggy tone. She slid her hands around the engineer's waist just as she surrendered to the beckoning slumber, her inhibition gone.
She was fortunate that the brunette had drifted off before she could witness the blush across her pale cheeks. Asami's entire body felt warm.
Warm and guilty.
What am I doing? She had taken Korra's offer to lay with her without a single ounce of hesitation. Am I taking advantage of her vulnerability? She thought to the nights they spent together in her apartment the week before, when Korra was having dark dreams and Asami comforted her in the same way she was now. Am I doing this for her or for me?
Nonsense. A different perspective inside of her spoke up. You're doing this for her. If you were doing it for yourself, you wouldn't have waited for her to ask. You would have insisted on it from the beginning.
But I did it so quickly. I didn't even have to think about it.
Because you care about Korra. The voice reasoned. If you didn't care, you wouldn't have burst into Sentai's office the way you did. You wouldn't even be here with her now. You would have been long gone once she got those threats, just to protect your own self.
There was a pause in her thoughts. She couldn't conjure a response. She closed her eyes and sighed.
You don't have to let thoughts dictate and consume you.
She remained silent.
Just feel.
The last time I 'just felt', I ended up blowing up against three different people, two of which didn't deserve it.
There's a difference between feeling and controlling. You felt those emotions without control. You let your intellect and your heart slip. You think they are two separate things, but they are intertwined. Everything is connected.
She returned her hand to Korra's back and tightened her hold. What should I do?
Let yourself feel the things you've been holding down out of fear for so long. Let yourself feel instead of thinking you shouldn't and shutting down altogether. Don't bury it. Let it out.
Asami drained her mind of her cluttering thoughts. An array of emotions washed over her, all springing from as far back as she could remember. Happiness. Sadness. Hate. Fear. Confusion. Depression. Isolation. Hope. More happiness. Struggle. Determination. Independence. Nervousness. Another burst of happiness.
And another.
And another.
A shot of anger. An ounce of fear. A bundle of worry. A sleepless night. Apprehension. Two sleepless nights. A shock of fear. A bittersweet relief. A flood of concern. A dominant urge to protect. Waves of empathy. Another burst of happiness.
And another.
And another.
And another.
Insurmountable heat.
A pinch of anxiety. Anger. Frustration. Terror. An overwhelming wave of terror. Suffocation. Fire. Exhaustion. Panic.
Panic panic panic.
Fear. So much fear. More than she had ever felt.
A rushing flame frozen within a split second. Tears. Hurt. Pain. Guilt. Sorrow. Fatigue. Sympathy. Fire. Revenge. Justice. Ice. A chilling wind in her veins.
Anger.
Anger.
Anger.
Redness. Ire. Hatred. Betrayal. Frustration. Sadness. Self-loathing.
Rage.
Blindness.
Rage.
Regret. Stupidity. Comfort.
Softness. Delicacy. Hope. Intellect. Alarm. Distress. Back to calm. Back to distress.
Heat. Heat. Confusion. Confusion and heat. Heat. Heat.
Heat.
Why did she feel so much heat right now? Why did she feel so warm and comfortable and… and whole.
Asami struggled back into reality as she let her entire body re-experience the emotions she's hidden throughout her life, from her childhood up into this exact moment. The thick cloud of darkness cleared around her and the blood rushed back to her head. She opened her eyes to see the sleeping woman half-on top, half-beside her, unaware of any of the turmoil the engineer just endured. Her shaking hands were wrapped around Korra.
Korra…
She knew. She knew right then and there. This girl in her arms. This girl she had just met a few months ago. This girl that she thought she hardly knew. This random girl who had just sprung into her life. This strong, funny, beautiful, charming… Asami shook her head.
This is ridiculous.
Asami always saw herself as a resilient, independent woman. She still felt that way; she didn't need anyone to support her or hold her up in order to succeed in whatever it was that she did. The thought of someone having this much of an impact on her frightened her, to be honest. She had built her walls up so well to guard her heart, but how, how in this short amount of time had Korra penetrated so far? And why was it that she didn't seem to mind as much as she should?
Is this… normal? That wasn't the right word, but she asked the voice anyways.
There was no response.
Acceptable? Better… but not quite.
What is this?
The melting pot of emotions swirled within her. She ached for reasoning, ached for understanding, ached to know this gear box of sentiments in a cut and dry way like she knew everything else. Physics? Easy. Math? Bring it on. Chemistry?
She bubbled like an acid-base reaction to the thought of chemistry. Chemistry. The subject, yes, was simple to her. But the damage it has caused…
And everything it's built.
Emotions. Emotions were like chemical reactions: spontaneous, non-ideal though assumed the opposite for ease, heat making and taking, essential yet sometimes unnecessary, wanted and unwanted, clear and mysterious at the same damn time. Emotions. Emotions and chemistry. The body and the heart ties into the mind. The mind orders the release of chemicals, creating the sensations we associate with emotions. With our 'feelings'.
Asami growled in frustration. Everything was at war even though she looked so peaceful holding Korra against her.
Korra.
It all fluttered back, from the tip of her toes to the pit of her stomach, to the heart that raced in her chest and the brain that struggled for a sense of clarity.
Korra.
She closed her eyes and wiped her entire being free of turmoil in a single breath.
She couldn't explain it, wasn't even close to a definition for it, but it felt right to her. To be beside this Water Tribe girl. To help her in any way she could. To be around her, just in her presence.
Korra's arms squeezed her waist, as if she knew everything the engineer had been thinking. The sleeping woman let out a gentle sigh and settled.
"Korra." She exhaled her name from the breath she had been holding and the world fell into peace again.