#13
"Leave me alone, I can do it!" the blonde vampire snapped at Jason who was precariously watching over the melee that was Pam in her movements around the infant girl.
"You have to take the flap and then… I think," he tried to explain although the confusion was clearly written all over his face as his nails scratched at his head revealing he lacked any insight to the process.
"You're supposed to be the father?" she drawled out with a heightened frown as her hands moved at preternatural speeds that his mortal eyes could barely follow. "Some things never change in a century." With an exaggerated roll of the eyes she thrust the soiled diaper and used baby wipes into his hands as if it were toxic waste, it was accompanied by a look that indicated he better dispose of it in at least a 500 yard range. With hesitance Jason left the blonde vampire behind with his youngest daughter as he wordlessly followed her orders. In Pam's opinion a little glamour never hurt anyone. Ginger had only seemed to improve with it.
The female vampire looked the baby over suspiciously for any residual filth before taking off her gasmask and rubber gloves. It was only through Sookie's intervention that she hadn't been allowed to wear her intended hazmat suit. "Get used to it," Pam grumbled to herself as she recited the words her maker had spoken to her. "Get used to it Pam," the vampiress repeated for accuracy. "Never do they say 'Get used to it Willa'. Because Willa is little Miss Perfection. Never done a thing wrong her entire life. Miss Goody Two-shoes been babysitting poopshits like you since the age of thirteen. Evil bitch."
For extra precaution Pam doused herself in hand sanitizer as she had heard humans speak of this thing called cooties that she refused to catch. "Can you imagine that Marie, I have to get used to the likes of you because my maker is having one. Little smelly teacups."
The blonde babe merely stared at the strange lady with the unmoving face, annoyed with her lack of responsiveness Pam hissed and threw out her fangs in demonstration of the superior race. Instead of the usual scamper and fright baby Marie merely giggled and blew bubbles with the drool upon her lips.
"You're okay I guess," Pam mused regarding the possible accessory as she prodded at the tiny belly button. "A few extensions, a better wardrobe… it could work. You don't smell as bad as the other tiny humans. Just need to figure out how to stop you from leaking from every hole."
With careful scrutiny she observed the instructions on the bag of diapers taking in the diagrams step by step. "The best defence against diaper rash is a dry bottom, achieved through regular diaper checks and changes," Pam read aloud. "What the fuck is air drying?" she scoffed before growling to the wide eyed girl, "Stay!" If only to spook the vampire further the giggles had now turned into full blown laughs.
"Who the fuck is going to wait on a baby to dry in the air," Pam mumbled dismissively as she plugged in her travel blow dryer and set to dry the child's behind in a much more efficient manner. "Idiots."
"Petroleum jelly?" she questioned as she took in the proceeding step. "We'll leave that toxic shit for the twat lips of the world," Pam cooed in a tone that frightened her to another death with the mere knowledge that she possessed it. She stuck a carefully manicured finger to her descended fangs and proceeded to rub her healing blood over the inflamed bottom. When she was satisfied all was rehabilitated she wiped away the remnants of blood to admire her handiwork. "You're going to need a shapely ass if you ever want to make it out of this hellhole, not like your stupid aunt Sookie who sucks everyone in with her magic fairy cunt. Now say thank you to Auntie Pam for helping mini-me to break out of this shithole."
A mere look of curiosity was given in return at which Pam decided to just continue by placing a new diaper underneath her bottom. "Right little bears on the top," she mumbled to herself remembering the instructions while Marie's little legs started flaying about restlessly with the vampire's cool touch on her skin. "Be still!" Pam demanded to little effect as she tried hopelessly to stick the side tabs in place.
"There," she announced proudly to the prattling infant as the final step was completed. "It's not as hard as everyone makes it out to be." However, all pride in her achievement was soon lost when she lifted Marie by the waist and the diaper fell apart and back onto the commode.
"Fuck it!" Pam declared as she grabbed the roll of duct tape from her designer purse. "This is usually for twat lips and her incessant whining," she explained with all seriousness to the wondering bulging eyes of the child whose hands reached up towards the new shiny item that dangled in front of her. "But it'll do for this, don't move."
With discerning scrutiny Pam finally released the roll of tape before she carefully tested the hold of the tightly wrapped diaper to her satisfaction. "Silver's not your colour," she commented. "Lucky you, you're an autumn type like me, which means we get to wear pink and reds." Pleased with this information Pam started contemplating which outfits in her wardrobe she would have replicated in miniature size.
"Seriously is there anything in this town that doesn't come from Walmart," the blonde vampire growled with revulsion as she took in the intended outfit for the night. "Poly-blend? Honestly do they want to see you choke to death before your first birthday? Idiots. Fuck it."
"Fuh-"
"Can you say that mini me? Fuck it," Pam tried engaging the baby in speech again. "Fuuuuuck it."
"Ugh," Marie offered with a look as if she had just tasted something foul in her mouth.
"Well at least it's a statement of disgust," Pam shrugged as she fastened the last of the tiny buttons.
"pahm."
"Repeat," she demanded stoically which only garnered another burst of giggles from her conversational counterpart. Eyes narrowed to hard slits when Pam commanded, "Again."
"pa- ahm."
"Yes mini-me, Pam," the blonde vampire said with great approval. "That just got you your first Chanel bag. None of that made in China shit for my number one girl."
With ease and grace she picked up Marie carefully while fully supporting the girl's head like she had seen many women do and insistently demand of others for over a century. She cursed her maker and his stupid fairy wife internally for thinking her completely incapable around the tiniest of the species. They just seemed to conveniently forget that her vault registered everything, even unwanted information like child rearing. The little girl in her arms let out a sleepy yawn despite her desire to look at the life sized Barbie her older sisters always played with.
"They look at me like I would eat you mini-me. As if. I'm not aspiring to be anorexic," Pam huffed out as she sat them both down in the rocking chair lulling the child to sleep. "My unparalleled physique is a result of a lifetime of corsets. Not like silly women today and their diets. None of that for you mini-me, no one likes to be poked by bones during sex. Well some like a certain bone but you and I are lucky not to have those icky things of flesh."
Another little yawn escaped from the infant as her tiny hand reached for a lock of the vampire's hair and held it to her cheek caressing it softly. Pam's hand gently stroked the fair baby hairs on her head in return as the other held her firmly to her chest. She gave the child a stern look, "Tell anyone I sang to you and you will die a gruesome death," Pam warned seriously to which Marie gave a tired giggle. "It's good we have an understanding then."
A small cough cleared her throat before Pam recited the nursery rhyme that she had forced her governesses to sing to her over and over again in her younger years.
Die, pussy, die,
Shut your little eye:
When you wake,
Find a cake,
Die, pussy, die.
After repeating the verse more than once in a strangely soothing yet monotone voice, the baby fell contentedly to sleep atop Pam. With the unexpected bundle of warmth that rested on top of her, she too fell into downtime.
"See I told you it would work," Sookie whispered to Eric, her eyes gleaming with pride. "A few minutes with Marie and even her shrivelled up ovaries are exploding. My little niece can wrap even the coldest of hearts round those little fingers. Heaven help Jason when she's all grown."
"You don't have to whisper," he returned at a slightly elevated volume to indicate they were merely observing through the nanny cam hidden in one of the teddy bears and were out of clear range of Pam's sensitised hearing.
"We're doing secret spy stuff. You're supposed to whisper," she retorted with a whisper shout.
He gave a small chuckle as his hand traced the contours of her belly. "Heaven help me if this turns out to be a mini-you."
"What's that supposed to mean," she hissed back testily.
"That I wouldn't know which one of you to love more," he covered quickly of his slip. If anything the past eight and a half months had taught to him to placate to her every will as seemingly random bursts of anger erupted from her throughout Sookie's pregnancy. "So Pam passed the test?"
"Yeah," Sookie smiled before giving him a chaste kiss to the lips. "Except she'll need to learn a different nursery rhyme repertoire. That sounded like some horrible death metal anthem. Why don't you go get Pam while I welcome the last of our guests?"
"Of course," he returned obligingly before placing a soft kiss to her forehead and one on top of the belly that ensconced their future child. "Just make sure Willa's boyfriend isn't sitting in my seat again. Every fucking family dinner I have to kick his werehole ass out of it."
"Eric, be nice!" Sookie admonished. "He cooked the turkey and everything."
"He's not good enough for my Willa," Eric harrumphed showing his disdain for the Alfa were once more. Of all Willa's boyfriends that had come and gone in the past few years none had been able to stand Eric's scrutiny for beyond a month and it grated him to no end that the current man in his Willa's life lacked the sense to back down and submit. It had been a trying few months aside from the pregnancy. "She doesn't need anyone that can cook."
A pointed glare from Sookie was met with a resigning sigh before Eric sped off to the upstairs to retrieve his other daughter. A small smile graced Sookie's face as she rubbed her stomach serenely with knowledge only she possessed as she whispered to the child inside, "Heaven help him when he finds out he's having another girl."
A/N: Pam's little nursery rhyme is an actual one from Victorian times as printed in early renditions of Mother Goose but it seemed written for Pam so I just couldn't help but include it….
I have been a little absent the past week due to illness and shall start churning out the chapters from next week onwards. My foggy brain forgot to mention why Bill was sent to Six Flags last fixin', I edited the chapter a few hours later but for those that missed it the first time round: Sookie and Bill had a terribly stupid conversation about it in early season 7 where Bill confessed to never getting to go to the theme park so I made it happen, albeit in a jar… Make sure to check out the Thanksgiving Fixing's 11-13 page on my blog (hisviks. wordpress. com) as all those morbid pictures of Bill at Six Flags finally came in… ;)
I honestly don't know how long these fixin's will last. I have a few left in the back of my mind waiting to be written but I fear the well will dry up soon without any more inspiration… so if you still have a thought, idea or concept feel free to share.