Chapter 25
No control
They stayed on the floor in each other's arms for quite some time, quiet tears leaking from their tired eyes. Korra strained to keep hers open. All she could do was gaze at her hands. Her brain overloaded and short-circuited her insides. She shut down until nothing but pain coursed through her. No thoughts. No emotions. Nothing. Even the physical discomfort began to wither away into a constant ache and a numbness she never believed she would know so well. When she had fallen far enough into a state devoid of any sort of sentiment, her crying subsided.
Asami was the first to pull away. She wanted to look into the Water Tribe girl's eyes, but couldn't. It wasn't Korra's avoidance, though, that restricted her. Reasons and feelings she couldn't decipher stopped her. Instead, she allowed her pupils to roam the damaged girl's body, taking in the extent of her wounds. The engineer stood without words and left the room. She staggered down the hallway, gauging her own injuries, and shoved the bathroom door open. She clawed at the cabinet under the sink and retrieved a rather large first aid kit. She grabbed a few rags as well and wet them with the tap. Her reflection displayed the few marks she had sustained during the fight. She clenched her teeth and exited before a flux of emotions could move through her.
Korra was slumped against the wall when she returned. Her head pressed the plaster and her legs were splayed in a grotesque position. Her blue eyes never left her hands, which were resting in her lap with the palms facing her chest.
The older woman crouched beside the Southerner and caressed her tan shoulder. Though the ache amplified across her body, Korra buried her flinch. Asami opened the metal box and removed the antiseptic solution. She brought a damp cloth to one of the bleeding scrapes and dabbed the wound.
Korra was too lost to notice the engineer's efforts. Darkness filled her. She stared at her hands, too drained to think or feel or do anything.
"This is going to sting." Asami whispered as she applied the saline to the abrasion. She expected some sort of response from the action, but the younger woman was unaffected.
Korra?
She chewed her cheek and continued cleaning the injuries she could access. Several sullied and bloodied rags piled up by the time she finished disinfecting the wounds on her limbs. She moved to her abdomen, which was covered in tattered blue fabric, dirtied from the onslaught. Fresh blood seeped into the left side, where small pieces of glass impaled her from her collision with the table. Asami grabbed the forceps and removed four rather large shards.
Korra didn't move.
The engineer ran her fingers under the Southerner's shirt and lifted the hem.
Korra…
There were no other external injuries, but the bruising across her core was deepening.
Fuck. You need to go to a hospital.
She looked over her shoulder to the doorway and cringed. She didn't want to risk leaving Korra alone to reach a phoning device for an ambulance. And she had no desire to run into Kuru and the others while she was out there.
At the same time…
Asami pressed her fingers against the bruises. The Southerner's abdomen did not feel tender, nor was it hard or swollen. Her skin wasn't cool or clammy; rather, it was burning hot.
Maybe she'll be okay. At least until tomorrow morning.
The raven bit her lip and lowered Korra's shirt. She moved to her back and shoulders. There wasn't much she could do here, due to the younger woman's clothing. She managed to clean a few scrapes on the bare portion of her skin. She crawled back around and grabbed a fresh rag.
Korra's sight was dazed, but they remained on her hands nonetheless.
"Hey," the older woman beckoned as she slid her fingers under Korra's jaw. She forced her head upwards, wrenching the Water Tribe girl's blue irises away from her palms; it was the first time she looked at something other than her damaged hands since they arrived.
It was also the first time she showed any emotion.
The Southerner lifted her arm up to Asami's face. There was a small cut on her forehead that had already dried and a faint bruise forming where Kuru had backhanded her. Korra traced the discoloration with trembling fingers.
"I'm okay, Korra." Her voice was monotone, though she attempted otherwise. She brought the cloth to her tan cheek and blotted the blood.
The Southerner dropped her sight once more. Her gaze was unfocused, but her palms were still the target. Darkness inched closer. A single tear breached her defenses. The engineer wiped it away.
Asami worked in silence and went through the motions without thought. She felt like a husk as her emotional complex was replaced with exhaustion and emptiness from the rather long day. She didn't know what to think or feel or if she was even experiencing either of those at the moment. When she looked at the younger woman once more, she understood the blackness that had consumed her. She gathered the used rags and discarded them in the trash. She returned with a blanket – the same one they had shared just a night ago – and wrapped it around Korra's shoulders.
The injured woman did not move.
Asami retreated down the hall, fatigue in each of her steps. She glanced at the girl collapsed against the wall when she reached the entryway of her bedroom. Brokenness radiated from their hearts and neither of them had the capacity to handle it. She felt an overwhelming need to be alone, to seclude herself, to withdraw, to build her walls all over again. With one last look, she shut the door behind her. Her eyes wandered around and contacted different objects in the room: her desk, a pile of books and drawings on the floor, the half-full wastebasket in the corner… Their final destination was her dresser. She trudged over to the set of drawers and traced the edges with empty fingers. Her eyes focused on a black and white picture sitting in a wooden frame.
Her father was to the left side, sitting young and proud. To the right was an older woman with the same raven-hair as the child in front of her. Asami moved back and forth between the three of them. They had been so happy back then. Life was simple. And it was all ripped away. Memories of the night her mother died filled her head. The break-in. Their voices. Their faces. The screams. The searing screeches of torches and death by Fire Bending… She shut her eyes to slow the stream of tears escaping her lids and turned her back to the dresser. Her legs failed and she slid to the ground, her knees to her chest.
A devastating exhaustion spread over her. There was too much emotion, too many thoughts, and an overdose of various pains for one day. She wiped her cheeks and crawled to her bed. Using the post for leverage, she rose to her feet. Asami stripped down and changed into the set of nightclothes she had left on her sheets earlier that morning. A wrinkled piece of paper fell from her pants pocket. She retrieved it with hollow movements and unfolded the sheet.
"Are you tired of living under the tyranny of Benders? Do you want your voice heard about the injustices they have forced upon us? Then join the Equalists and help us bring equality for the Non-Bending population!"
The engineer looked over her shoulder to the hallway that lie beyond the closed bedroom door and back to the paper in her fingers. She set the flyer on her nightstand and skulked onto her mattress. It felt as empty as she did. She closed her eyes and tried to force herself to sleep. It would be a new day. They would have a new start. The sun would be shining, and everything would be okay.
Except those were all lies. The things she would tell herself at night when she was sad and desolate as a child were lies. Every one of them. No matter how much she repeated them. No matter the setting or the age or the time. They were All. Utter. Lies. And she knew it. She was convinced of it at that moment. The view of a flaming ball of gas in the sky after passing through a few hours of darkness was not going to take away the pain they felt, the memories that were sure to come back and haunt them in their sleep, the scars they burdened inside and out. It wasn't going to bring back everything and everyone that they've lost. There was no reset button. No fail-safe mode. No fresh beginning. It would all stay and linger.
But would everything be okay? A small voice spoke into the blackness, one last glimmering speck.
One can only hope.
(-)
The area was full of children at play. Kids crawled up and down metal bars, laughed in swing sets, and ran around with each other through the sand-laced ground. It was a simple place to go in the bustling City: a guarded, easy escape for parents and younglings alike.
She had been playing with several boys towards the edge of the climbable obstacles in the park. Zhifang was a somewhat heavyset child whose family just moved from the eastern Earth Kingdom to the United Republic of Nations. Ronglu was a native to the City, with a mixed complexion and a small build, for his age. Then there was Odoroki, one of the few pure-blooded Fire Nation children that took residence in the renamed colonies. His parents dressed him in red and black clothing, disowning the usual black and grey uniform worn by students and other citizens in the area.
"Get back here!" Odoroki yelled as he chased the three of them down. Zhifang paused to stomp the ground, causing a small rock to pop up at their tracker's feet. He hopped over the hurdle with ease and tagged the young Earth Bender with a smack of his hand.
Zhifang took the offensive and lunged towards the Fire Nation child. He jumped out of the way and met up with the other two, who had been watching from a safe distance. Once reunited, the three sprinted away.
"I'm gonna get you, Zhifang!" Odoroki spun on his heel while they fled and shot a small ball of flame at their pursuer.
"Asami!"
All of the children stopped in their tracks at the sound of the booming male voice behind them. Her peridot eyes widened at the sight of her dad approaching. He grabbed her forearm and pulled her away from the boys, who watched on with confused expressions.
He knelt down to her eye level once they were a good distance away. "What were you doing with those Bender children?"
She swallowed hard. "We were just playing, daddy."
"You need to be more careful. They can hurt you! Especially that Fire Bending boy."
"Odoroki would never hurt me on purpose. He's my friend."
"It doesn't have to be on purpose. You can get hurt just as easily if it was an accident."
"But –"
"This isn't up for discussion."
"They're my friends."
The look in Hiroshi Sato's eyes made her eight year old self flinch. "Then you'll just have to make some new friends. I don't want to see you get hurt. One false move and..." he couldn't bear to finish the thought, let alone the sentence.
Asami sat by herself in the school yard during lunch the next day. She pushed her egg roll around without an appetite.
"Hey, there you are!" The trio ran up to her table and plopped on the bench.
"Are you going to come play tag with us?" Ronglu asked with a glow in his eyes.
"I can't. My dad says I'm not allowed to play with you anymore."
"Why not?" Zhifang slumped.
"Because he said I could get hurt."
"Sounds like you're being a little pig chicken." Odoroki continued the mocking by walking around the table and making picken noises.
"I am not!" She growled back, her food abandoned.
"Yeah, you are! You won't even play with us. What is your dad gonna do to you if you play? I don't see him around." He stood on the top of his toes and scanned the area, his hand against his forehead to block the sun.
The other two giggled in response. Asami dropped her eyes to her lunch and wrapped her arms around her torso.
They don't understand.
"Well, if you change your mind, we'll be over there!" He pointed to the small yard outside of the tables and ran away, Ronglu and Zhifang on his tail.
She watched them from a distance, chasing each other as little kids do. She felt a surge of emotion swarm her and force her off of the bench.
"Come to join us?" Ronglu asked as he flipped Odoroki onto his back.
"Hey, not fair!" He snarled as they all laughed.
Asami paused for a moment before running away from the Fire Nation child, who was now on his feet and chasing her. She caught up with the rest of the group, who continued running from the Fire Bender.
"Get back here!" He called as he led them to the corner of the play yard. "I've got you now!" He shot a blaze of fire out at the trio. The boys dove to the ground, but Asami froze. The flames grew closer. Her father's words echoed in her head. The imagery shifted to the night her mother died a little over two years prior. Her screams overpowered his words. The voices of those Fire Benders and the sound of their attack and that faint glow of their Bending under her bedroom doorway crack and her sobbing being tracing her fingers over her mother's dead body in the hallway…
Her eyes widened when the blast was about a foot away. She jumped from its path just before it hit her face. It wasn't enough. The fire burned through her pants and into the skin of her left thigh. She cried out in pain and clutched her leg in a fetal position. The boys scurried out of fear of reprimand as two adults rushed to her aid.
"I told you, Asami! What did I tell you? Fire Benders are dangerous. Look at what they did to you. You could have died, Asami." He collected his sniffling daughter in his arms. Hiroshi had been called from his office at Future Industries to pick up his wounded child from school. He rocked her back and forth as he scolded her.
"I'm sorry, daddy."
"You need to be more careful. I think it's about time you learned how to defend yourself. If they can Bend at such a young age, then you need to be able to fight, too." He pulled away and locked eyes with her. His were fierce while hers leaked tears. "I'm hiring the best instructors and masters out there to teach you. And I'm taking you out of this school. I won't let this happen to another of my own. I'm not going to lose you."
(-)
She woke up in a groggy state, though her dream was sharp in her mind. Her hand traced the scar on her leg through her thin layer of nightclothes with an absent mind, as she had done many times in the past. Asami wasn't sure when she had fallen asleep or how she even managed such a feat. It was dark outside, though not the nighttime version she was expecting. A storm raged, with freezing rain slamming against the glass and wind so fierce, the building was shaking. It had been just past sunrise, but it looked nothing like it. She had no idea when this weather started, but it was clear that the end was not in sight. She skimmed her fingers along the seam of her sheets, which she lay on instead of under, and stared out the window. A bolt of lightning flashed and thunder roared through the foundation. The engineer was unfazed. She watched, in a trance, as the gusts created small vortexes of icy water and leaves. It crashed into the wall and forced a small breeze of chilled air to leak out of the seal. It floated over her body and she shivered. Small goosebumps crawled across her pale skin.
At least I'm feeling something.
She had managed to keep her feelings at bay, but with this singular thought, the floodgates opened. Images bubbled to the surface. Memories. The cold reminded her of Korra. The storm brought back the time when she ran away. The story made her think of how alone she felt, even when surrounded by people who said they loved her. This unearthed the hurtful truth that she experienced similar emotions growing up, when her father rejected her in his mourning and she was left to attempt to heal herself after her mother's death. Counter these with that horrid night she was taken away. The day she was burned. The pain she's had to endure as a child until now. The fire… Flash forward to Korra covered in a blanket, silent and slipping on her living room floor.
She had no control over her body; she didn't want to move, but away her limbs went. Her footsteps were weak and tired. Asami forced the door open and slid across the wall for support as she walked, fatigue still riddling her muscles. She approached the spot where she left the Water Tribe girl.
It was empty.
Korra?
Small traces of dried blood were on the carpet and hardwood. The blanket was abandoned.
No…
Her emotions rushed through her. Asami checked the other rooms and called the younger woman's name to no avail. She returned to the discarded fleece and pulled it to her. It somehow managed to smell like the Southerner, despite what she had suffered the night before. She sat there, dumbstruck, unsure of what she was feeling or what she would do. There was only one thing she knew for certain:
Korra was gone.