Natasha considered herself to be a calm, levelheaded person. Years of training had made sure she was always cool and collected in any situation. But green and pink aliens was a whole new level of weird. They looked practically human in most aspects, and the woman who'd shown them the way had been quite beautiful, but it was still a lot to take in. She'd known that humans weren't the only thing out there ever since she'd joined SHIELD- the Tesseract definitely had never been thought of as human- but having to run for her life from them? Not exactly on her list of things to do before she died.
So, when they landed on the Helicopter pad of the tower, she honestly didn't think she'd ever been more relieved. Or more thankful that Loki, someone who knew what he was doing, was there with them.
Stark was doubled over, hands on his knees, while he gasped for breath beside her, and the warrior, Sif, was on her other side, seemingly unruffled.
"Is everyone alright?" Thor asked, looking around at them all.
Natasha didn't miss when Loki silently slipped away inside the tower without a word while everyone was checking that their limbs were still intact.
"Thor?" She called, frowning. She kept her eyes on Loki's retreating figure.
The Thunder God came over to her. "Natasha?" She would have smiled at Thor's use of her name, rather than 'Lady Romanov', if she wasn't bothered- (She was not concerned about the psycho-god; not in the slightest)- by the fact that Loki looked like he was about to keel over and die. Because the God of Mischief sure as hell didn't look healthy.
She nodded to where Loki had entered the tower and looked to be retreating to his room again. The guy hardly ever left his room, and when he did he stayed away from wherever everyone else was. And on the rare occasion that he was in a room with other people, he'd just stand by the window and stare out of it. Natasha didn't like Loki; she didn't like him or trust him. But there was something wrong with him, and she saw how it concerned Thor and Sigyn- she saw how it concerned even Thor's Aesir friends. Natasha didn't have a family; Loki did. And even though she knew it was a pretty screwed up family- (Norse mythology is messed up.)- she still didn't like that Loki's self-inflicted isolation was hurting his family and friends-that-may-or-may-not-actually-be-friends.
Thor followed her gaze and frowned, the concern for his little brother, that she'd seen so often these past few days, once more in the depths of his blue eyes. Concern, sorrow and a bone-deep pain that Natasha tried not to look into.
She couldn't help but heave a sigh as Thor slowly walked inside, following his brother.
Loki shut the door to his room, completely drained of energy. Normally, he would not be tired after running such a distance; he was a trained, hardened warrior who had been pushed far more than that before. And yet he was simply exhausted.
But he could not sleep.
He would not.
There were things to do. He had to look over his plans again.
Viridian eyes scanning the walls, Loki sat on the edge of his bed. He had the Aether and the Reality Gem; the Tesseract was safe in Asgard, ready for him when he needed it; the Mind Gem was secure on Earth, most likely in a SHIELD facility; the Soul Gem would be in Helheim, he was sure of it; the Time Gem was in Muspelheim.
(Muspelheim, Muspelheim- How to do this swiftly and easily?)
Oh, his head hurt. He sighed wearily and rested his head in his hands, gripping his hair. He could barely see straight, let alone think straight. Every bone and muscle in his body begged for him to sleep, but he refused. As much as he loathed to admit it, he was terrified of sleeping. The things that waited in the shadows for him... He shuddered slightly, closing his eyes.
As tired as he was, he did not bother moving when the door opened, nor when the familiar weight of his brother settled beside him on the edge of the bed.
"When did you last sleep?" Thor asked quietly; quieter than Loki thought possible for him.
He scoffed slightly. "Does it matter?"
Thor was silent for a while, and Loki realised that this was the first time they had been alone together since before he had returned from the dead. Guilt nagged at the back of his mind, but he quickly smothered the emotion. It would do him no good now. It had never done him any good.
"This will kill you, Loki."
"As the mortals say, 'been there, done that'."
"Is there no way to help you?"
"I don't need help."
"You do not sleep, you do not eat- you barely even speak."
"Now you're exaggerating."
"Am I?"
"Yes, Thor. Leave me alone."
"You have been alone for far too long, brother."
With a sigh, he dropped his hands from his head, resting his elbows on his knees, and stared at the beige carpet. "And I've managed just fine so far."
"They do not admit it, but our... my friends worry about you, too."
"Then tell them not to bother. Their sentiment won't do me any good."
"What will do you good, brother?"
Loki was silent for a while, thinking about nothing in particular. Then he faced Thor, who was looking down at him with solemn eyes, and said, "I honestly don't know anymore."
They sat in silence for a long time, not comfortable, but not uncomfortable either. Loki did not know how long had passed when Thor said, "Will... will you tell me of what happened, Loki?"
And though he knew what Thor was speaking of, he asked, "What do you mean?"
"In the Void. Tell me. Help me understand. Let me know if I can help you or not."
Loki closed his eyes again. "You already know."
"You were vague."
He laughed bitterly. "You wish to know everything? All the gory little details?"
"I wish to know what Thanos did to my brother, so that I know what I am avenging."
"How quaint. Really, it goes with the name of your little group."
"Loki."
He was silent once more. This time the silence stretched on and on; the shadows in the room moved with the sun as it arched across the sky. The room was lit with a burning orange glow when he finally gathered the will to speak. He was so tired... Maybe if he told Thor, the darkness of his mind would recede slightly... Just for one night...
"I don't know how long I fell," he began quietly. He kept his eyes on the floor. If he did not look at Thor, it was easier to think that he was not there, as though he was speaking to himself. "Falling through the vortex created by the Bifrost was excruciating; my bones ground against each other; my flesh was pulled and torn; I could not breathe. And yet, throughout all of this, there was a deafening silence, a blinding darkness; it drove me mad.
"I was pulled from the Void by Thanos' black magic. I landed in a barren wasteland- the Chitauri home world- and every bone in my body broke. I thought- hoped I would die there. The Other found me. He took me to Thanos, who asked if I would join him. I refused. One does not refuse Thanos for long.
"I was thrown in a cell that was so small I could not stand upright, nor stretch out lying down, and I was left to let my magic heal me. I was there for over a month, I think, until I was fully healed. By then my magic had drained to almost nothing, so I could not escape. Then they came for me, and the torture began. I screamed for you," he hissed, tears leaking out of his eyes and rolling down his face, dropping from his chin onto the floor. His breathing was ragged, his voice rough, but he did not care. He had to finish. "I screamed until my voice was gone. And then, when I had regained it, they took my voice from me. So many times, I almost drowned in my own blood. They always stopped before I could die.
"It was worse when they discovered what race I was. Thanos stripped me of the glamour the Allfather had placed upon me. I tore at my own flesh just to get rid of the damned blue. Replace the blue with red. Blue was bad, red was good. Red was the colour of your cape, the colour of fath- Odin's cape. The colour of warmth. I had to get rid of the blue.
"It was close to a year when Thanos came to me again. I'd not slept, eaten or drank in so long... He used the Mind Gem to force his way into my mind, and I couldn't stop him. He ripped my mind to shreds. I had no choice but to obey him. I suppose I can thank Banner's other self for snapping me out of it." Finally, tears flowing freely, he looked at Thor. His brother's face was twisted in pain, his own tears shining in the orange glow of the setting sun. "You didn't come. No one came. I was alone for so long, Thor. I screamed for you. I screamed, Thor."
"Loki..." Thor began, shaking his head.
(Now you know.)
"I thought Heimdall could see me, and that you knew where I was. I thought you didn't come because you didn't care." He brought his hands to his face. He could not stop. He had to stop it, but he simply could not. The God of Lies was telling the truth, and he could not stop. He gripped at his hair again. "I screamed for you, Thor."
"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Loki," Thor said, voice thick with emotion.
"I'm tired, Thor. I'm tired of fighting, tired of faking, tired of everything." He stood and made his way to the window, pressing his forehead against the cool surface as he stared down at the streets far below. He heard Thor get to his feet.
"Try to sleep, brother," Thor said gently.
Through his pain, he laughed bitterly. "That's not what I meant."
Thor was silent for a moment, before saying, "I know. I know that's not what you meant. Oh, Loki, I know that's not what you meant. But, Loki, I can't bear to think of it like that. I can't bear the thought of losing you again."
He closed his eyes. If he blocked out the world, maybe his memories would fade away into nothingness. "You can't keep me around forever."
"I can try, brother. I can try."