A/N: I'm not dead! I'm back, baby! It's been so, so long and I am so, so sorry, but as always, exams are a priority. Now I'm done and I'm off until September, so I'm going to do my best to get this underway. After seeing Age of Ultron, I'm going to adjust the story's bio so that it clarifies that this is vastly AU from the MCU after Thor: The Dark World. thank you for being so patient with me, and for all your kind reviews.
Well, I've missed you all, and I hope you enjoy!
Thump-thump.
Thump-thump.
Loki groaned at the thudding of his heart that resounded in his ears like a drumbeat. His mouth was dry, his head pounding, and he felt very... thin. Worn out, almost. Was... Was this what it felt like to be cold? He was shivering, unable to stop; the sensation was so horrid that it made him feel as though he might be sick.
"Loki? Can you hear me?" Thor's voice boomed in his ears, echoing around his skull.
He hissed in pain. "All too well, now shut up!" He pressed his palms into his eyes, the sound of his own laboured breathing like sandpaper in his ears. "Norns, what happened?"
Mercifully quiet - for he seemed to have caught on to Loki's pain - Thor said, "You stepped over the threshold and collapsed three times. When you came out and fell again... I thought-" Thor didn't finish.
Loki opened his eyes, squinting slightly as he struggled to keep his eyes open. The large, wall to wall window let the light of the city pour through. It was night, and the soundproof room let no noise from the city below inside, but Loki could see that it was still thriving with life. Briefly, Loki wondered how he could ever have wanted to destroy such a glowing, beautiful place. Something else caught his attention, however, and Loki was then frowning at the thin, Midgardian clothing his brother donned.
"Are you not cold?" He asked.
Thor frowned. "What?" He looked down at his attire, seemingly confused as to why Loki wold ask that. "No. Why? Are... Are you?"
Loki blinked in confusion. This was wrong. He could not get cold. "Must just be me..." he mumbled. With shaky arms, he pushed himself into a sitting position, glaring when Thor made to help him. He was not a child that needed to be coddled. He felt... off. Not ill - no more so than usual, anyway - just like something was... out of place. He couldn't name what it was, but it unsettled him greatly.
(What in the Nine is wrong with me?)
Thinking back to Helheim, Loki tried to figure out what in the cosmos had happened to him. "I walked through the Fog..."
"Yes, and you nearly died."
"Oh, relax will you? I'm still clinging on."
"Look in a mirror, Loki."
The serious tone of Thor's voice stopped whatever retort instinctively rose up in his throat. Frowning, he swung his legs off the bed and stood. And promptly collapsed under his own, meagre weight.
"Loki!" Thor exclaimed, coming around the bed to help him up.
Gritting his teeth, Loki stood straight and pushed himself away from Thor. He could make it to the bathroom on his own. He did, however, have to grip the sides of the sink to stop from falling again when he saw his reflection. The stranger in the mirror was skeletal; dull green eyes stared back at him, ringed with dark circles and shadowed by unspeakable memories; pale, almost grey skin stretched over the skull beneath, sharp cheekbones and pointed nose prominent.
And scars. So many of them visible even with his clothes on: long, thin, pale, raised or sunken; he remembered every last one of them. And his lips; those terrible, awful, silvery lines that crisscrossed them; the tips reaching just under his nose to midway down his chin.
Loki found himself tracing those scars even as he panicked inside. Because this should not have been happening. It wasn't possible.
"Loki?"
"It's not possible... The glamour shouldn't fail. Not ever..." he breathed out. He let the tips of his fingers linger over his scarred lips. He saw Thor standing behind him in the doorway, his blue eyes flitting about Loki's face. The scars made him uncomfortable, and Loki knew it. With a sigh, Loki brought the glamour back up. Rather, he didn't. Nothing happened.
He frowned, trying again, but his magic failed to respond. It was like... "It's not there." Then the horror of his discovery set in, and his knees gave out. He barely felt Thor grab hold of him, nor did he register the sound of his brother shouting his name.
"It's not there. It's not there."
Loki's magic was gone.
Thor stared at his brother with wide eyes. What could possibly have made him work himself up like this? Loki was shaking in his arms, shuddering with each raspy breath; something was very, very wrong.
"Loki?" He called to his brother, hoping to snap him out of his reverie.
Nothing. Loki continued to stare with wide, blank eyes at his reflection in the mirror.
"Loki?" Thor repeated more forcefully.
Loki jerked up, tearing himself from Thor with surprising strength. The previous horror on his scarred face - (So, so many scars. My brother, my dear brother, how could I let this happen to you? How was I so blind?) - morphed into a hard mask seemingly carved out of stone, his eyes like shards of cold emerald. Before Thor could so much as get a word out, Loki was gone, staggering out of the bathroom and bedroom with speed that he should not have for someone looking so much like a walking corpse.
Natasha saw the skeleton out of the corner of her eye, hand itching to grab the knife in her boot. But it was Sif's horrified exclamation of Loki that stayed her hand. Looking at the figure properly, she could, indeed, see that it was the Trickster.
Except he barely looked like him.
Between the clothes that hung from his angular frame and the ashen skin - (and that's not even touching upon the nice collection of scars he's sporting) - he barely looked alive.
Bruce was on his feet in seconds, making his way over, speaking in rapid-fire medical terminology that went even over her head, and Natasha knew her way around medicine, believe it or not.
Everyone else rose to follow - everyone but her and Clint. Natasha met the archer's eyes from across the lounge. She could see the conflict in his eyes. Get up and help Loki, or sit back and enjoy the show. But would she enjoy it? Would she really enjoy it, now that she knows he had his mind torn open and played with, just like Clint, just like-
Natasha stood, surprising herself briefly. Clint hesitated, but soon followed. Side by side, she went with her friend over to the small crowd of people, not sure what to do but ready to help in whatever way she could.
By the time he reached the lounge, Loki was gasping for air. Thor hovered close behind him; the only reason his brother wasn't taking his weight was because Loki glared venomously at him every time he so much as tried. He could walk on his own, thank you very much.
He waved off Dr Banner, who was fussing unnecessarily over him. The man wouldn't be able to do anything for him, anyway.
"Sigyn?" He called, hating how pathetically weak his voice sounded.
"I'm here. What happened?" She asked, coming into his line of sight. He didn't like how the room seemed to spin.
"Doesn't matter. My magic is gone and I think I might be dying, so could we please hurry to somewhere that won't be destroyed quite so easily?"
Sigyn stiffened, eyes narrowed dangerously. "Loki, what are you planning?"
He let out a raspy laugh. "Something new."
Thor refused to let Loki walk on his own. His brother looked as though he could keel over and die at any second, so Thor was not going to stand by and do nothing. So, for all Loki glared at and insulted him, Thor carried Loki to the containment room for the Hulk.
"Now put me down, you oaf," Loki snapped.
Thor sighed, but nevertheless allowed his brother down. He said nothing when Loki practically stumbled to the centre of the room, only watching.
Loki lay down on his back in the middle arms by his side and legs together. "Volstagg, Thor, restrain me. Sigyn, come here."
Thor frowned and made his way to his little brother, kneeling beside his head, while Volstagg went to Loki's feet and hesitantly placed his hands around his ankles.
"Loki, what are you going to do?" Thor asked.
"Restrain me, Thor," was all Loki said.
Sigyn knelt by Loki's side, a frown creasing her brow.
"What now?" Thor asked, not at all liking where this was going.
"Now," Loki said, and the hard set of his jaw made Thor even more concerned. "Sigyn pulls my soul out."
Thor stared down at his brother, incredulous. "Are you mad?"
Loki glared up at him.
(Perhaps that was the wrong thing to ask.)
"Loki," Sigyn said, tone hard. "It will either kill you or turn you into a monster."
Loki laughed. "I'm dying anyway, and the latter is already debatable depending on who you ask. Besides, you're going to use the Soul Gem to fix me."
Sigyn glared down at Loki with such a fire in her blue eyes that Thor was thankful not to be on the receiving end of it. "I can't wield that thing and you know it."
"Borrow my magic and you can."
"Loki," Thor said, interrupting the argument before it could start. "Have you ever done anything like this before?"
"No. It's purely theoretical magic. But I think Sigyn can grasp the basics of it and not erase my soul from existence."
Thor glared at his brother. "This isn't the time for testing your theories, Loki."
"Then let me die," Loki said, and it was so blunt and sincere that Thor had to take a moment to just look at his brother.
(Is this ghost really the child I once played in mother's gardens with? Is this what I've made him?)
"Sigyn," Thor said, and he met the elf's eyes. "Do it."
Sigyn looked unsure. "This will be extremely painful for him."
Loki sighed impatiently. "I'm aware of that. Why do you think these two dunderheads are holding me down?"
Volstagg looked far too pale to think of protesting against the slur.
Sigyn was silent for a long while, then nodded. "Alright. I warn you now, this will be unpleasant for everyone."
Out of the corner of his eye, Thor saw Sif, Fandral and Hogun edge towards the nearest wall and brace themselves.
"Are you ready?" Sigyn asked Loki.
Loki closed his eyes and gave a single nod.
With that, everything happened very quickly. Sigyn ripped Loki's shirt down the centre and pressed her palm flat against his pale, scarred chest. There was a green light mixing with the silver of Sigyn's magic, and she made a swift, tearing motion upwards, as though ripping something away.
Loki jerked in Thor's grasp, a strangled sound tearing from his throat.
Sigyn, her hand raised above Loki's chest and the lights still shining, pulled again.
Something golden and weakly flickering rose from Loki's chest over his heart, only to sink back down again when Sigyn stopped at the strained gasp Loki released.
Thor ground his teeth as he leant his weight on Loki's shoulders, pinning him to the floor.
Sigyn seemed to steel herself as she braced both her hands over Loki and gave one, large wrench upwards.
Loki screamed, and Thor felt like dying at the sound.
It burnt and it froze and it tore and sliced and cut deeper, deeper, deeper into him.
Loki was dying.
Again.
He would be nowhere.
He would drift between worlds forever and ever until the stars go out and the dimensions collapse in on themselves.
Loki was dying.
(Pathetic - weak - weak - weak -)
He wanted to die.
Fandral clenched his hands into fists as he watched Loki scream writhe in Thor and Volstagg's grasps. His eyes widened when he saw the glowing, golden, misty substance rise from Loki. It wavered and flickered, like a dying flame, but it still fought to stay alight. Loki's soul.
He grit his teeth when the God of Mischief brought his hands up to claw at his own chest, and then he was by his friend's side immediately, pinning his arms down.
"Keep him as still as you can," Sigyn said, and her voice was strained.
Fandral listened as Loki gasped weakly, and watched as Sigyn worked.
The elf held onto the soul with one hand, and with the other she made an intricate action that procured a familiar glowing yellow stone from seemingly nowhere. With the Soul Gem and Loki's soul in her grasp, the elf brought her hands together.
The Gem entered Loki's soul and pulsed brightly.
And Loki screamed.
Fandral had never heard such sounds - not even on the many battlefields he had fought on - and he wanted nothing more than to be away from there. But he couldn't abandon Loki now; not when he screamed and thrashed and cursed in languages the warrior had never heard of.
The Gem grew brighter and brighter until Fandral could no longer look at it; he focused instead on Loki.
His friend had a thin sheen of sweat covering him, and he had bitten straight through his lower lip. (He remembers when Loki was brought to the Healing Rooms with crusted blood on his face and tunic, eyes red from exhaustion and pain. His friend vomited the blood he had swallowed all night.) He fought against their hold on him, and pained gasps and choked screams tore from him every other second.
But as the Gem glowed brighter, Loki's struggles lessened. Fandral met Thor's eyes. Was this supposed to happen?
Sigyn pulled the hand controlling the Gem away and closed her fist, making the blasted stone disappear with a wisp of magic. With the other hand, she rapidly pushed Loki's soul down, down, down, back into his chest.
Loki gave a shudder and was still, his head lolling to the side.
"Is that it?" Thor asked, his voice rough.
"I..."
Loki wasn't moving.
"I did what I could... I..." Sigyn trailed off, and Fandral looked up to see her face troubled.
"What is it?" Sif asked, moving closer.
"I can't feel him. I can't feel him over our connection. I- I can't-" Sigyn cut herself off with a shuddering gasp.
Loki wasn't moving.
He also wasn't breathing.
"Loki?" Thor called, his voice shaking.
Fandral leant back on his heels, running a ha d through his hair.
"Loki?" Thor tried again, shaking his brother's shoulder.
Loki wasn't moving.
They brought him in, screaming, kicking, fighting, half mad with pain. Fandral watched with wide eyes beside Thor and Hogun as the Healers restrained Loki, tying him down as they tried to work on the burns and welts left by the snake venom.
"Get away from me! I will kill them! I will slaughter their families in front of them and hang them by the entrails of their children! Do not touch me! Stop! I will find them- I must find them!"
The screams grew worse and worse until one of the Healers sedated him.
But then there was confusion.
"He isn't breathing."
"Check his heart."
"A reaction with the venom?"
Fandral had watched while his friend teetered between life and death, and while Thor tortured himself with blame.
Loki was dying.
When Loki opened his eyes, he was expecting nothing but grey. What he saw, however, was the high, arching ceiling of Hela's palace.
"Father, if I have to send you back one more time I will put you in the wrong body, I swear," Hela threatened, her face coming into his line of sight.
Loki didn't answer. He hurt. Everywhere.
Hela frowned. "Father?"
"I'm-" He stopped, because it hurt. He was tired of hurting. Even here, in the land of the dead, he hurt.
"Let me see..." Hela murmured, crouching down beside him. She looked him over, frowning when he flinched back at her touch. "Sigyn used the Gem, didn't she?"
Loki blinked, because that was about all he felt like doing.
Hela sighed. "She did well enough, but it's rough. I don't know if it will hold, Father."
(At least I still exist.)
Hela glared down at him, apparently guessing his thoughts. "Stop it. I'm going to send you back, but-"
Loki blacked out.
"Thor, what are you doing?" Sigyn asked.
Thor set his jaw and pressed a hand to Loki's chest. He had seen the humans do this with machines. In Asgard they had no need for it, but here on Midgard... Thor didn't have time to get Loki to a hospital.
He sent a jolt of controlled electricity through Loki.
His brothers body jerked, but Thor still couldn't feel a heartbeat.
Sigyn gasped. "Yes, that might work. Go on, Thor, I'll fetch Banner!" She jumped up and disappeared with a wisp of magic, but Thor was more focused on his dead brother.
Not again. Not again.
"Not again, Loki. I won't let you," he growled, sending more electricity through his brother.
Still no pulse.
"You will not abandon us now. You will not. I will not allow it."
"Thor, what's going on?" Dr Banner asked, coming into the room.
Thor ignored him and sent another current through Loki.
The doctor seemed to guess what was wrong and he immediately came to Thor's side.
"Jarvis, call for a SHIELD medical team asap," Banner said. "Thor, keep doing that. Keep going."
Thor didn't need the doctor's encouragement to send another current through Loki.
Loki gasped, emerald eyes flying open and staring blindly at nothing.
"Loki?" He called frantically, moving over his brother so he could see him.
Loki let out a pained groan and squeezed his eyes shut, rolling onto his side.
Thor let out a sigh of relief.
His brother was alive.
Loki was alive.
He was alive.
Loki glared at the SHIELD doctor until she finally had the sense to back away. Though he ached slightly, he actually felt better than he had done in a long while. His glamour had been brought back up, and he felt much more comfortable with it.
"Loki, you should let them look over you," Thor said.
He hadn't left Loki's side since he woke, and it was quite infuriating.
"I know my capabilities, Thor," he sighed. Pushing himself up (and waving Thor's offered hand away), Loki left the room.
"You should at least be resting."
Loki glared at the Thunder God as they walked. The silence was heavy, and Loki knew his brother was recalling the earlier events. "Tearing one's soul from their body will hurt no matter what. Fusing it with a power such as an Infinity Gem... That hurts more."
"You died. Again."
"I know."
"I brought you back this time."
Yes, and wasn't that curious? "I didn't think you had the brains to do something like that." He could feel Thor's glare without having to look.
"I'm not as dense as you believe."
Loki hummed. "Apparently not."
They reached the lounge where the others were waiting, and immediately their eyes were on him.
"Rest. Tomorrow we go to Muspelheim," Loki said, and with that he opened a portal and went back to his room.
He sealed his door shut so he didn't have to deal with Thor's outrage at his declaration, and promptly collapsed on the bed.
Perhaps, tonight, he would actually rest well.