Chapter 14

Loss is Gain

They stared at each other for a couple of minutes. Olivia couldn't stop herself. She moved forward and wrapped her arms around his shoulders squeezing him tightly. He embraced her just as soundly.

"I can't believe you're here," she whispered.

He rubbed her arms and tried to move back, but she wouldn't let him go.

"Livy," he said. She pulled back slowly, a little afraid of the conflicting emotions surging through her. "Did you actually think I wasn't coming for you?" He caressed her cheek.

"When I left, I kept expecting you to show up at any second. The days turned into weeks. You didn't come so I figured you didn't want to find me...that I had done you a favor."

Fitz held a surprised expression and he almost responded in anger, but pushed that emotion away.

"Why would you think that, honey?"

"I know I've been hard to deal with, Fitz."

"You could say the same thing about me. I've been just as hard to deal with. I'm sorry. I knew where you were the day after you left."

Olivia looked confused at first, but then hurt.

"It's not what you think. I let Tim convince me to let you have your space. I pretended to send operatives to those bogus places Huck reported you to be. I knew where you were the whole time. And Liv, I hope you know I will never let you go to Rome."

Olivia looked at Fitz with new eyes. "Who the hell do you think you are? Ever since I had sex with you that first time, you have tried to control every part of me, Fitz! I can't take it anymore. I am not your property! If you want to be with me, get that through your thick skull!" Olivia screamed. "Damn it!"

Fitz raised his eyebrows at her words. She looked away from him and at the wall.

"Honey, I'm...you're right. Is that why you left?" he asked softly.

She took a deep breath and faced him. "I left because I started seeing myself through your eyes Fitz. You claimed to love me, but I don't think you really liked me or respected me for that matter. I know you were trying to help me to get out of this mess, but this is my life. I wasn't even invited to share in resolving these issues in my life. Then this thing with Agent Lee happened and you immediately assumed that I was going to let him take advantage of me. I just had to leave, Fitz. You were making me doubt myself. I started feeling the same way about myself that I knew you were feeling about me, disgust."

Fitz grabbed her shoulders. "Livy, I'm so sorry. I could never feel that way about you, honey. I-"

"You aren't entirely to blame. I take responsibility for some of this. Somehow I let you think I was this fragile woman who needed taking care of. I am not that woman. You don't know really know me, Fitz," Olivia explained.

"Livy," he said slowly, trying to choose his words carefully. "I am sorry for hurting you. I love you and want you in my life. What do you want me to do? What do you want?"

She looked at him for a long time before she spoke. "Right now, I really want to make love to you." He leaned toward her, but she pushed him away. "Since I never got my IUD and there is no viable birth control near, I will do the next best thing, make bread. You can join me or not." Olivia hopped off the bed and headed for the kitchen. Fitz followed behind her.

"Liv, that was a workout," Fitz said. He stood watching her roll out the dough he had just helped her knead into long snake like strips. They both wore aprons and hairnets. Fitz was covered with more than his share of flour. Olivia smiled and shook her head at him.

"Have a seat then," she said. He continued standing beside her as she brushed the strips with a buttery mixture.

"So have you baked bread before coming here?" he asked.

"No, Bridget taught me when I arrived and I haven't been able to stop since. I created this recipe for this twisty bread and people line up for blocks just to buy it or any of the other bread I make." She loaded up the strips on an oversized baking pan and set the timer.

"I know. Tom and Hal told me," he said.

"Tell me that you didn't have Tom and Hal watching me all this time, Fitz!" Olivia said, already knowing the answer.

"I'm afraid so, Livy. I'm sorry..." he mumbled.

Olivia shook her head at him. "You asked me what I wanted. What do you want from me?"

"I want you to come back home with me. I want us to be together, Liv," he explained.

"I won't even consider getting back with you until you call off all your surveillance. I don't want you knowing where I am or what I am doing at every minute of every day. That is not normal. Take all the tracking devices off my clothes, jewelry, everything. Stop telling me where I can and cannot go," she said, placing the batch of twisty bread in the oven.

"Done," he said, a hopeful lilt to his voice. "Liv, you are aware that you are still a fugitive under the law and that you can't move as freely as the average person?

"Fitz, I know that and have known that for 10 years. You keep forgetting that I have never been caught."

"Will you now come back to New York with me?" he asked, watching as she started to clean up.

"I have additional requests. I don't know if you're willing to meet those."

"I am willing, Olivia. What are they?" He asked.

"In addition to stopping all the surveillance and control, I want to be an active participant in resolving my problems. I want to know what is going on with Abby and Harrison. I want to make bread and give it away for free to whomever I think needs it. I'm not sure how I will accomplish this, but I will find a way. I can't tell you everything all at once. You need to be ready to hear me out as new things come up."

"Okay, done and done, Liv."

"Oh and you can't be mad at Huck for helping me." She stepped behind Fitz, untied his flour-laden robe, and removed his hairnet.

"I am mad a Huck, but I won't do anything about it. How's that?" he asked, bending over so she could pull the robe over his head.

"Okay. I'll accept that," she said. "You can come back in the morning, and I'll be ready to go."

She flipped the light off as they walked out of the kitchen. Fitz followed her back to her room without a word. He entered the room and closed the door behind them.

"Livy, I understand and accept everything you've said. I have been a tyrant and a bit of a bully. I am sorry. But I am not leaving until you are ready to come with me."

"Okay, Fitz, but you are sleeping in the chair tonight. Those are the terms. The last thing we need is a baby. We had a close call when we made love in the bathtub that night, unprotected. No more unprotected sex."

"Okay, Liv," he said.

With Liv on the bed fully clothed and Fitz in the chair across the room, they dicussed her adventures as a baker. Fitz filled her in on Abby's and Harrison's whereabouts as well as the developing relationship between Tim and Quinn.

Olivia yawned after an hour had passed. "I think I am going to go to sleep, Fitz. I have to get up early and talk to Bridget about leaving. Goodnight."

"Goodnight," he said.

Olivia's eyes fluttered open. The room was dark. She waited until her eyes adjusted to the dark before looking to see if Fitz was still there in the chair. She looked over and saw that it was unoccupied.

"Fitz?" she said.

"Hmm?" he responded.

Olivia heard and felt his voice close behind her.

"Why are you in the bed when you should be in the chair?" she asked.

"I'm sorry. The chair was doing a number on my back. I couldn't get comfortable. Please note that I haven't touched you, Liv. I have followed your rules," he said. "Let's just go to sleep, okay?"

"Okay," she said looking back at him, turned in the opposite direction.

Later, Fitz's eyes opened. The room was dark. He waited until his eyes adjusted to the dark before turning over to see if Olivia was still in the bed. The bed was empty and she was in the chair. He noticed how uncomfortable she looked. Her head was turned to one side and her knees were bent under her. He got up and lifted her out of the chair and onto the bed. When he laid her down and went to return to the chair, she spoke. "You can stay on the bed, Fitz. Just go to sleep. This back and forth is getting old."

He settled behind her, maintaining a respectable distance. The silence filled the room. They both tried to breathe quietly, but it wasn't working. Olivia turned to face him. She propped her head on her hand and traced an imaginary line from his hairline, between his eyes, to the tip of his nose.

"Why couldn't you just stay in the chair?" she asked.

He didn't move or say a word. She inched closer and kissed the tip of his nose and pulled back.

"You smell like bread," he whispered.

She smiled at him in the dark. "You smell like flour."

He pulled her on top of him and brushed his lips against hers. "I'm sorry, Livy."

"Stop apologizing," she whispered.

"Okay," he said. He flipped her over onto her back and took her mouth in a bruising kiss. They reached for each others' waistbands simultaneously to remove whatever barriers stood in the way of their union. They pushed them away until they were bare from the waist down. Olivia opened for him.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

She nodded in agreement.

He entered her swiftly and it was over.

"Shit, Liv. I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay. Now we can sleep," she said.

Within minutes, they were both asleep.