Delilah's Journal
I have decided to keep a journal to cope with the terrible crime I have committed. I can't see a therapist then I would surely be taken into custody. I do not know if I should turn myself in after all these years...If I should admit to murdering my oldest sister. I have driven myself closer and closer to the brink of insanity. I did not want her to die! That was never a part of my intentions! I just wanted her to forget; to forget that I was the same person who called her those names when we were children based upon the terrible upbringing of our parents. I wanted her to forget those memories of being locked up in a shed... all by herself.
I wanted to forget. Every time I saw her. The way she looked at me; the moment she would set her eyes upon me... the look of different flashbacks and emotions flashed in her eyes then she would quickly push them out of her mind, remembering that it was time to move forward.
She had thought that I had moved on; thought that she was the one with the longest healing process... but it was me. I so desperately wanted a clean slate in my sister's life rooting from my own personal guilt. If our childhood ever hit the fan, what would my kids think of me? I already knew Hank was aware. How could he not be? What would Hank even do to me knowing thatI was cause of the death of the love of his life? The mother of his child? He would probably kill me. He would have every right to. Every sing day I fight with myself trying to figure out if I should confess my sin to my family, hoping that they would see from my perspective and be able to cipher through her death and find my pure and true intentions but I know that that would be unrealistic... a fucking fantasy. Surely I would be arrested and taken away from my children.
Every day I endure this inner war within myself trying to convince myself of my own innocence... but I can not lie to myself. I can not even begin about Thomas. I specifically asked him just to wipe her memory. AND NOT KILL HER! How could I be so stupid! Sometimes I come so close to committing suicide. But I cannot do that. I have to stay strong for my kids. But now my niece is left without a mother and my brother in law is left without his wife. How will I ever redeem myself from this? I don't think I will ever be able to. Damn you, Thomas and damn me, too.