My thanks to everyone reading. This chapter is in Cullen's POV. Enjoy!
Pain. The intense sensation seemed to be the only constant in the Commander's life now. Whether it was the emotional turmoil that surfaced in his nightmares or the throbbing ache that permeated his entire body every waking moment. He always knew the symptoms would get worse before they got better. It took everything in him to get through each day, let alone make it seem like he was the picture of health. But somehow, he always did it day in and day out. He threw himself into his work. It seemed to be the only thing that would distract his mind from the pain.
He sat at his desk in quiet, the only sounds were the occasional rustle of paper and his pen consistently scrawling report after report, signature after signature.
It seemed as though once they had arrived at Skyhold, the work load nearly doubled in terms paperwork. Cullen supposed he didn't mind too much, it kept him busy, but it was such tedious work.
The newly appointed Inquisitor had left two weeks ago for the Storm Coast to inspect a couple of new leads and then was to trek to the opposite side of Ferelden to free some captive soldiers in the Fallow Mire. Two equally wet places, one littered with giant bears and spiders while the other was plague infested and had walking corpses shambling out of the murky waters, or so he had heard. No matter how seasoned of a soldier one was, fighting undead was never a pleasant task.
He hadn't had a real, one on one conversation with Ellie since that night in the tent after he had found her in the Frostbacks. His hand stopped writing at the thought of that encounter. How close he had been to feeling her supple, pink lips on his; the same lips he had found far too tempting since he first met her.
It was a moment of weakness, one that his brain advised he shouldn't repeat. As much as he wanted her, he couldn't give into the temptation. She was the Inquisitor and he was the Commander of their army. To say that it would be inappropriate to pursue a romantic relationship, a relationship that went far beyond their titles, would be a serious understatement.
Yet he still struggled to keep away. It would seem that the more he got to know Ellie, even on a professional level, the more attracted he became to her. Sure, she was downright gorgeous. But it was her conviction, her strength, her integrity that made his draw to her grow. When they had nearly kissed, it was a wake up call for him. He needed to distance himself, give himself some space to get his head on straight and reprioritize.
But it would appear that the more he put her out of reach, the more he wanted her and he cursed himself for it. It was in the way he sometimes caught her looking at him, even when she thought he wasn't paying attention. Or how her voice would soften ever so slightly when she addressed him, even if she was just saying his title, not his name. It was proving difficult for him to want to keep away. Cullen was convinced that part of the problem was his lyrium withdrawal. It was starting to dull his senses, becoming consumed with pain and cravings.
Even if in some twisted turn of events Ellie and him could be together, he didn't deserve her. He was broken, likely beyond repair, and his fight with his addiction only added to that. Of course she had to know that Templars were subject to lyrium addiction. But if she knew about the horrors that haunted him, the blind hatred he'd had in the past and how he now endlessly toiled just to remain sane and keep his judgement in tact, she might not want him here at all.
He quirked his eyebrow up at that idea, having an epiphany of sorts. Perhaps he should tell her that he was no longer taking lyrium. It could turn her off the idea of him. He was actually somewhat surprised she didn't already know.
He had told Cassandra as soon as he had stopped, which was right when he had agreed to join the Inquisition. With her abilities as a Seeker, she would be best suited to determine his stability. Josephine and Leliana knew as well. Leliana seemed to knew everything about everyone anyways and he had made Josephine aware prior to the events at the Conclave. They were the only three he had imparted that private information to. But it was just now that Cullen had realized that it was peculiar he had never informed the Inquisitor.
Maybe it was because on some level, he wanted to impress her, to draw her to him the way he was drawn to her. But despite him wanting to push her away for her own good, she deserved to know. She technically had authority over him now, and something like this she was obligated to know about, especially if it impacted his service at all. He nodded to himself, making up his mind to tell her when she arrived back at Skyhold. It wouldn't be easy to confess that to her. He had a hard enough time simply making eye contact with her anymore. But if he had endured his life up to this point, surely he could get through having this conversation.
The Commander pushed away from his desk, the wooden chair making a scraping sound against the stone floor. It was clear to him his mind was not able to stay focused on his reports at the moment. He needed something to clear his head, to distract himself from the thought of her pretty face and the weighty matter he was going to discuss with her in hopes to drive her away.
Rolling his shoulder to relieve some of the tension that was built up from hours of being hunched over a desk, he exited his office and made his way down the steps of the battlements to the training yard. The Inquisitor had been gracious enough to not only make sure proper training grounds were established, but also gathered the resources to build a sparring ring in the courtyard. He decided some physical exertion could do him some good; he rarely got to do anything of the sort anymore as he was usually leading and training an army, not fighting as part of one. And even then, most of his time was still spent on more clerical work than physical work.
Cullen stood outside the ring, arms crossed over his chest, silently observing the two warriors under his command as they wrestled. He heard heavy footsteps behind him. The massive shadow with horns at the top was a dead giveaway.
"Taking a break, Commander?"
"You could say that. What do you say, Bull, care for a round?"
The mercenary look stupefied for a second, "You want to fight me?" He asked in disbelief.
An amused chuckle fell from Cullen, "What? Don't think I can?"
This time the laugh was from Iron Bull. "Never said that, just haven't seen you fight before. But," he paused, "Why don't we raise the stakes a little?"
Cullen looked at him, curiosity in his eyes, "What did you have in mind?"
The Qunari thought for a moment, "The loser buys a round of drinks for everyone once the boss gets back and," he waited for dramatic effect, "They have to wear a dress and dance around on the table."
The Commander was pretty sure his eyebrows disappeared into his hairline at the last part. Surely he's heard worse bets, but his soldiers would not let him live that down.
All the more reason to win, I suppose.
"You're on, Bull." The leader of the Chargers grinned at him.
Since the two recruits who were in the ring were just finishing up, Cullen took the opportunity to shed his bulky armor, leaving himself in his simple brown breeches and his boots. He needed the ability to move freely and his current get up limited his agility considerably. Cullen was strong, he knew that. But when it came to brute force, he also knew that the Qunari had the clear advantage. He would need to be quick and accurate if he were to win.
Cullen stretched, warming up his muscles and getting them ready to be put to use. This is the kind of work he had trained most of his life for. The military strategy, the war tactics... That all came later. First and foremost he was a warrior, a soldier.
The sparring ring was now empty and the Iron Bull and the Commander stepped in.
"Sure you don't want to back out, Commander?"
Cullen simply smirked and gestured for the match to begin.
The two men faced each other near the centre of the ring, fists drawn, waiting to see who would make the first move. Bull was first, clearly starting things off easy, by swinging his right arm towards Cullen's head. It was an easily dodged blow and gave the Commander the opportunity land a sharp jab to his opponent's open ribs.
Iron Bull responded to the hit by charging, Cullen quickly ducking out of the way and spinning his body around swiftly to kick the same spot on Bull's ribs with his booted heel. The kick earned a frustrated grunt from the Qunari, but as soon as he turned around to face the Commander, the man was already running towards him. Cullen vaulted himself in the air by ricocheting his foot on the corner post and brought his elbow down, crashing it on Bull's head.
The move left Iron Bull briefly stunned and Cullen was surprised he managed to miss snagging his elbow on one of the Qunari's horns. He went to land another kick to the ribs but Iron Bull caught his ankle and before Cullen could blink, his ankle was twisted with such strength that it caused his entire body to rotate as well. He fell flat on his back with an unceremonious thump and he felt his ankle released from Bull's grip.
Coughing, he opened his eyes to see where his opponent was at and upon noticing he was still relatively in the same spot, Cullen lifted the leg closest to Bull and sent it hard to the back of Iron Bull's knees. The Bull's legs collapsed on him, but he didn't entirely fall to the floor. Still, it bought the Commander enough time to get back on his feet.
Bull was quick to regain his balance and lunged for the Commander, who tried ducking the same way as he did previously, but the Ben-Hassrath had remembered that maneuver and shot his arm out to stop Cullen in tracks. The Iron Bull curled his massive arm around Cullen's next, but the Ferelden was not ready to throw in the towel just because he was put in a chokehold. He sent his elbow flying back into the Bull. Normally the move would have hit a man in his kidneys, but with Iron Bull's height it caught him in the groin, causing him to hiss in pain but not release his grasp.
Cullen was pulling every evasive move he knew to get out of this position before he passed out, but it was a feminine voice that pulled both men momentarily out of their focus.
"Well, well, Commander. And here I was beginning to think you didn't know how to spar," Ellie mocked, having pulled both Bull and Cullen's attention. Cullen was the first to use that mutual distraction to his advantage, and slipped from Iron Bull's slightly eased grip.
He darted behind the mercenary and jumped, locking both of his arms around Bull's neck this time, the rest of his body dangling. Cullen may not have had the mass that Iron Bull did, but his entire body weight was now being used to knock his giant opponent out. For once, the Commander was thankful he was the smaller one because even though Bull tried desperately to reach the man behind him, he couldn't. Iron Bull was helpless to shake the man from him and was unable to get a good enough hold on Cullen's arms to pry them from his neck.
It lasted about two minutes before Bull dropped to his knees, already having lost too much oxygen. He held his hand up, then hesitantly tapped the ground, signalling his surrender.
Immediately Cullen released him and it was then that he noticed their brawl had elicited quite a crowd and he saw a fair amount of money changing hands. But his real attention was drawn to Ellie. He didn't even know she had arrived back. But as he took in the sight of her, he felt his stomach tighten. She was beaming at him, a look in her eyes he hadn't seen directed at him before. He almost wondered if it was pride, but he was too far away from her to notice her dilated pupils darkening her eyes in a lustful haze.
He shook his thoughts from her; he couldn't allow himself to get hopeful. Instead, he offered a hand to his rival to pull him back to his feet as an automatic gesture. Iron Bull merely chuckled, knowing full well the Commander wouldn't be able to pull him up. The Qunari stood on his own, but still shook Cullen's hand as a silent sign of good sportsmanship.
"Are we going to be able to find a dress big enough for you, Bull?"
A thunderous laugh echoed through the courtyard, "I'm sure we can find something. And hey, now that the boss is back, I can honor my end of that bet tonight."
"What bet is that, exactly?" Ellie asked, stepping forward at the sound of them talking about her.
Cullen just smirked, "By the sounds of it, you'll find out tonight at the tavern."
"That's right boss, drinks and entertainment are on me tonight I guess."
Cullen observed as Ellie's eyebrow quirked up, apparently not sated with the dismissal of her question but she didn't push it further. Instead she simply nodded and promised to be there.
The crowd was dispersing but Ellie lingered for a bit longer, making casual conversation with Dorian who Cullen hadn't noticed until now. Cullen watched out of the corner of his eye as he put his regular attire back on. Ellie and Dorian seemed almost inseparable, conjuring a foreign emotion in Cullen that he didn't dare explore.
Dorian was charming and flirty, Ellie was beautiful and equally playful and cunning. He could see why they were fast friends. But to his dismay, a part of him hoped that friends was all the two were, even though he couldn't be surprised if it was more than that.
It doesn't matter though, I can't have her, he resolved, willing himself to banish whatever inclinations toward her he had, She shouldn't want me anyways.
The final thought reminded Cullen of the matter he still needed to talk to her about. The confession he dreaded, but knew was necessary. With his armor back on, he made his way towards Ellie who paused her conversation with Dorian as she saw Cullen approach.
"Inquisitor, now that you're back there is something I'd like to discuss with you in private when you have a moment."
She titled her head to the side in confusion, but acquiesced, "I suppose I can talk now."
Cullen wasn't entirely expecting her to be ready to talk right away, but he figured the sooner he got this over with, the better. She followed him up the steps past the tavern door to his office.
While the sparring match did wonders for helping him feel better in the moment, he already felt the agony seep back into his muscles and bones. Perhaps part of it had to do with nerves, but regardless his body was aching.
They arrived at his office, not speaking a word on the way there. Cullen opened the door and gestured for Ellie to go in first, which she did, while he followed and shut the door behind him. He positioned himself behind his desk which was something of a security blanket for him. Having an object between them did a lot to calm his mind, but his anxiety levels were still through the roof. He leaned on the sturdy piece of furniture, bracing himself with his arms for extra support for his pained body.
He stole a glance at the woman standing in front of him. She was looking back at him expectantly. Not with impatience, but with something else that almost looked like concern.
Maker's breath, do I seem like I'm in that rough of shape? he sighed. It was now or never.
"As leader of the Inquisition, you…. Ugh, there's something I must tell you."
She took a cautious step towards him, "Whatever it is, I'm willing to listen."
"Right. Thank you. Lyrium grants Templars our abilities but it controls us as well. Those cut off suffer; some go mad, others die." He paused, not wanting to look at Ellie he gazed down at his lyrium kit, the one he's had since he first joined the Order. Even now he kept it close to him, though he had thus far successfully refrained from using it. "We have secured a reliable source of lyrium for the Templars here. But I no longer take it."
"You stopped?" She asked, a mix of worry and disbelief in her voice.
"When I joined the Inquisition, it's been months now."
She took another step forward, "Cullen, if this can kill you…"
"It hasn't yet. After what happened in Kirkwall, I couldn't…" His eyes met hers, his tone more convinced, "I will not be bound to the Order or that life any longer. Whatever the suffering, I accept it. But I would not put the Inquisition at risk. I've asked Cassandra to… Watch me. If my ability to lead is compromised, I will be relieved from duty."
Ellie softly walked around his desk to stand next to him. Hesitantly, she reached out her hand to place on his shoulder. He was not expecting empathy so the gesture was unexpected to say the least and he regrettably flinched at her touch. She drew her hand back, "Are you in pain?"
"I can endure it."
The expression on her face when he spoke was unreadable, but her eyes held a flicker of sadness. "Thank you for telling me. I respect what you're doing."
The caring tone in her words softened him. He was expecting her to be angry that she didn't know sooner or disgusted that his morals could jeopardize his role. But he was wrong. All he was met with was kindness, no harsh judgements or criticism.
"Thank you. The Inquisition's army must always take priority. Should anything happen, I will defer to Cassandra's judgement."
"I understand Cassandra would probably best be suited to assist you since she was a Seeker. But Cullen, please know if you need anything at all, just say the word," she held his eyes with tenderness, "You don't have to carry this burden alone."
He offered a warm smile, "I appreciate that, Ellie. Thank you."
He felt his heart flutter at her display of compassion as she smiled back at him. He originally didn't want their conversation to have this outcome. He wanted to use this as way to distance himself from his feelings for her. Instead, he felt as though his admiration for her only grew.
But, he wondered, maybe that won't be so bad after all.