Thanks to everyone who has read up to this point. I'm a little nervous about this chapter so if anyone has any feedback at all, good or bad, it's much appreciated.

Ellie ascended the stairs to her quarters slowly, biding her time before the inevitable showdown between her and Fenris. The adrenaline was still flowing through her veins from what had transpired on the rooftop outside just a few moments ago. She had no idea how two of the most mentally and physically tough men she had ever met were so quickly reduced to bickering children. Over her, no less.

Ugh, men…

The Herald didn't even want to think about what could have happened had she not intervened when she did.

Fenris may have been someone she cared for deeply in the past, though the hurt he inflicted changed that, but she still did not want to his blood to paint the walls. Ellie had spent many, many moons wishing she had never met Fenris, that she had never fallen for him. There were times when she was truly convinced that she hated him for what he put her through.

But not once did Ellie ever wish him harm. He had been hurt, abused and mistreated too much in his past for her to want that thrust on him again. But she knew that was no reason to justify what he did to her. She would have been more than content to let him live his life in peace and far, far away from her.

And after all this time, here he was. Walking right back into her life and actually having the audacity to judge her, to look down on her, to dictate who she does or doesn't have in her life now. But even then, Ellie couldn't bring herself to see him suffer at the hands of one of her people.

At the hands of her Commander.

She grimaced at the thought, lips pursing into a thin line. There was a hefty part of her that was flattered by what Cullen was trying to do. The fact that he was willing to get in a physical fight to defend her honor and rights made her admiration for him swell and her stomach tighten with a hope of what that might mean.

But she didn't confide her past to him so he could fight her battles for her. While it was an act of kindness, from what Ellie could tell, there was no reason she could think of for it to get as carried away as it did. Even by the time Ellie was present, he still argued with Fenris for her. She may have felt woefully unprepared when she first joined the Inquisition, but she ever since she had left home she had to be independent and self-reliant. She could take care of herself.

That wasn't what irked her, though. What bothered her was that Cullen was blindly willing to risk his safety for a fight that wasn't his. The Inquisition needed Cullen, their army needed him.

I need him… Ellie admitted to herself.

That thought terrified her. She had never admitted to needing anyone before and worked her ass off to prove it. But the mere inkling of losing Cullen now scared her so much. Especially when it wasn't necessary. She was very sure that he could handle himself in a brawl with Fenris, but it was still a risk she didn't want to have to take.

Between Cullen fighting her fight, Ellie knowing she needed that man like she had never needed anyone before, and him being so ignorant of that fact that he put himself in a position where there was a possibility that she could lose him… All of that combined pissed Ellie off like there was no tomorrow.

So when the blonde finally arrived at her quarters to the sight of her brooding ex-lover sitting on her desk with an open bottle of wine in his hand, she was in no mood to mince words.

"What in th Void was that, Fenris?" She snapped at him as he took a swig from the bottle.

He didn't respond right away, his lips still eagerly attached to the wine bottle, gulping the fermented liquid as if he had been thirsting for days. Ellie rolled her eyes, crossing her arms as she waited for the man to be gracious enough to answer. When he was finished, he lowered the bottle from his mouth and used his free, gauntlet covered hand to wipe away any residual wine that didn't quite make it down his throat.

When he finally seemed to regard the woman who was growing increasingly impatient, the icy, disdainful countenance that was so usual for him made it's way visibly across his features. His emerald eyes narrowed, glaring at Ellie through the white hair that fell in his face.

"I should be asking you that question," his voice was level but bitter as he continued,
"An Tevinter mage? Really?"

"Yes, really," Ellie fought back, matching his tone, "He didn't choose where he was born or what abilities he was born with. He's not like them."

Fenris slid off her desk taking a step towards her, "Isn't he? They're all the same. He may seem like he has good intentions now, but you of all people should know how dangerous he is. And yet you welcome him here as your companion and friend. By the looks of things, he's more to you than that."

His implication made Ellie's blood boil, since it only confirmed his sense of undeserved jealousy. This time, Ellie was the one who took a step forward towards the elf, losing any desire she may have had to keep this confrontation the least bit civil.

"How dare you! Not that it's any of your business, but Dorian is just my friend, he's my closest friend and is currently the person I trust most in this world. Once upon a time, that person was you," by her last scathing word Ellie had placed herself right in front of Fenris, who truthfully was the person she once trusted most. At that time he was the only person she had trusted.

Apparently her words somehow hit home with the man before her and his eyes that had held so much hate towards her softened ever so slightly. Yet he remained silent as their gazes stayed locked on each other.

When he didn't speak, Ellie thought to the question that had been on her mind since their encounter on the roof, the one that could answer so many things for her all at once. They remained like that for another moment, unmoving and staring into each other's eyes in a silent stand-off yet willing that somehow they could know the other's thoughts without having to actually utter the words that had been unspoken between them for so long.

"Why do you even care?" Her words were nothing more than a whisper but what they meant spoke volumes.

Conflict was evident on the elf's face as he tried to come up with an answer that wouldn't be too damning. He clenched his eyes tightly for a second but upon opening them his face simultaneously morphed back into his signature scowl. "Because I thought you knew better."

Ellie huffed a sardonic laugh at his obvious deflection, "You know, I thought I did too. Before I met you, I knew better than to let myself care that deeply about anyone, let alone someone like you. I guess I let both of us down."

"Someone like me?" Fenris repeated incredulously, his voice amping up an octave and dripping with venom, "By all means tell me who someone like me is.

"Someone who leaves, someone who abandons people. You abandoned the Fog Warriors after you killed them, and you left your master after that. You leave people, Fenris." Ellie knew full well that was a low blow, but right now she didn't care. She had been hurt by him enough. She could return the favor.

Fenris didn't even wince at those words, if they had any affect, they just added to the fervor in his voice. "Can you blame me for leaving Denarius?"

"No, but I can blame you for leaving me," she answered with a finality that left that man in front of her stunned temporarily. She took that as her opportunity to finally go for the jugular in the whole conversation. "I want to know why. Why did you leave me?"

The elf's expression changed into something completely unreadable. As far as Ellie was concerned, there wasn't a good enough reason he could give. She wasn't ignorant nor daft; she knew that not every couple lasted, that the fanciful tales of 'happily ever afters' that were written about in children's books seldom happened in real life. But there was more to Ellie's sorrow than Fenris knew and nothing he could say would change that or alleviate it.

Fenris sighed and took another quick swig of his wine, apparently finishing the bottle because he then set it on the desk behind him. He cast his eyes downward and shifted his foot a little, a gesture that Ellie knew he did when he felt vulnerable.

"Because I couldn't stay," he emitted softly, "When we met, I had just escaped from Denarius. If I would have stayed, we would have been on the run for the rest of our lives. I couldn't keep running. I needed to face him myself and until I knew he was dead, I would have always been hunted, I would have always been his slave."

Despite herself, Ellie could feel her resolve to be unforgiving slip just a little at his admission. She knew that his master would continuously try to hunt him down, that they would always be running unless he fought for his freedom. But her life at that point had consisted of never staying in one place for long anyways. She wouldn't have been sacrificing a stability because it didn't exist for her anyways. She would have gladly given up her future to be with him.

But then I wouldn't have ended up at the Conclave or the Inquisition, she realized.

Now she couldn't fathom her life without the Inquisition. It had been less than a year yet this cause and the people supporting it felt like home to her. Home had been such a foreign concept to her but now that she had it, she didn't want to give it up. All of the responsibility that fell on her after the Anchor became fastened to her hand was beyond stressful and daunting. Yet, she was happy here. She had a true purpose that hadn't existed for her until now and a number of people that seemed to genuinely care for her.

Deep down, Ellie knew she was better off with having been set on this path. The path that she wouldn't have even been close to if she would have stayed with Fenris. She knew it seemed beyond selfish of her to still sometimes wish that Fenris would have stayed. But Ellie knew the truth, the cause of the real pain that she had been dealt when he left. It was something that went above both of them but was the secret Ellie kept closer to her than anything. Somehow, though, she knew that it wouldn't be her secret much longer.

"Fenris, I cared for you. I would have helped you," Ellie told him honestly, hoping she could use that to distract herself from letting her secret bubble out.

The elf's face twisted into something else then. It wasn't the normal anger or loathing look he had. To Ellie, it looked almost more like guilt. "And I cared for you, Ellie. I don't even want to think of the man I would have turned into if it wasn't for you. But until I was a free man, I was not worthy of you."

The Herald's hands rubbed her face in anguish as so many unexpected and unwanted emotions started surfacing in her. She had suppressed her feelings for so long that the second a little of it slipped out, the rest came barrelling with it as well. Her brows knit tightly as she raised her eyes back up to meet his with reaction she couldn't control.

"It wasn't about me, Fenris," as soon as the words left her lips that were now trembling ever so slightly, she knew that her vow of secrecy to herself was doomed, "You didn't just leave me behind."

The elf looked at her cautiously, "What are you saying, Ellie?"

She felt as though she was going to burst at that moment, all of the years of pain raking through her body, knowing she had to come clean. She was terrified of what would happen when she did. Not only would the truth she had fought years to keep hidden come to light, but the overwhelming sense of failure and unworthiness that would come with it; not just because she would feel that but she wouldn't be surprised if Fenris felt the same about her once he found out.

Ellie took a very deep breath, attempting to somehow steady her body that was now shaking. How three little words could hold so much weight and cause the Herald of Andraste the worst anxiety she'd ever experienced, she had no idea. But there was no turning back now, she knew that.

She clenched her eyes tightly shut, her voice no more than a whisper, "I was pregnant."

A painful silence followed. She was expecting his anger to blaze, for him to throw questions at her or for him to just leave. But none of that happened. She didn't hear the door open or shut, she didn't hear footsteps, she couldn't even hear him breathing. Curious, Ellie hesitantly opened her eyes to see Fenris still in front of her looking as him someone had given him a hard blow to the stomach and knocked the wind out of him. His eyes were wide in disbelief and it took him some time before he could seem to get any words out.

"Y-you were… What?"

For the first time since she learned of her brother's passing, Ellie felt tears well up but she steeled herself to not let them fall. She refused to let him see her so weak. "I was pregnant," she reiterated, her voice wavering despite her wanting to sound strong.

Hearing the words again didn't seem to lessen the affect it had on Fenris, "You were... It was mine? How could that happen?"

Ellie couldn't help the slight smirk that made its way across her lips at the last question though it was less than appropriate considering the seriousness of their conversation "I shouldn't have to explain how that happens to someone," she replied quietly with a natural sarcasm in her tone. She paused then as the lighthearted comment didn't seem to ease the elf at all, "And yes, of course it was yours."

He moved a couple steps back from her in that moment, confusion still evident on his features. Then suddenly his vibrant green orbs locked on hers and his mouth curved into a snarl.

Here we go.. Ellie thought as she braced herself to be at mercy to his temper.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" He demanded, distrust laced in his tone though it was not as hateful as she expected.

Ellie sighed and pursed her lips before answering, "Because I didn't know. I found out a couple days after you left."

Apparently her honesty did not satisfy him. "And you didn't think to track me down?"

A bitter laugh came from the blonde, "Of course I did. I just didn't think it would have made you stay."

"Of course it would have!" The elf snapped, his voice raising and finally carrying some of the anger that Ellie had been expecting, "It would have changed everything."

That admission was something that Ellie had not exactly been expecting, however. There was some part of her that did think that had she found Fenris and told him, he would have put the needs of their child first. She didn't think Fenris was heartless enough to abandon his own child. She didn't think he was heartless at all. Just broken, lost and confused. But as always, the optimistic scenario was the one that Ellie had dwelled on the least.

Her attention was drawn back to a flash of white as Fenris whipped his head around, as if searching for something. Apparently not finding whatever he was looking for, he turned his gaze back to Ellie, his expression more even this time though his eyebrow was quirked up.

"I see no signs of a child here," he observed, "What happened to the baby?"

He almost sounded genuinely concerned. Between his seldom-seen compassion and the answer to his question, Ellie felt herself to be on the verge of crying again. It was a pain that she didn't think she could ever properly verbalize or explain. Her face scrunched and despite all of the resolve she had built up, she felt a few of the tears free themselves of her eyes and trickle down her cheeks.

She knew that Fenris wouldn't settle for a half-truth with this. She couldn't simply tell him that it was gone and expect him to accept it. Even after all this time, she knew him better than that. She inhaled, trying to quell her emotions enough to answer his question properly.

"About a month after you left, I had taken a job that should've been really simple. Ivan Wolfe was his name. Some noble wanted him dead because he was involved with his daughter and apparently he wasn't up to daddy's standards. Easy, petty stuff but it paid well," she started, launching into the story though she could already sense Fenris' unease, "Apparently this suitor was actually a fairly big player in the local smuggling business. Even though I went after him knowing that, he proved to be a better fighter than I realized and he had brought friends that were eager to help him. I was in way over my head. I still am shocked I even made it out with my life." Ellie's voice began to crack now, reliving the hurt and shame that welled up in her, "He threw me off of a balcony and left me for dead. It wasn't that high luckily, but with the way I fell… The baby didn't make it."

The tears flowed freely from Ellie's eyes at that point. She had never really thought herself much for mother material, especially considering her lifestyle and poor relationship with her own mother. But when she had lost that child, though she was alone and was terrified at the thought of how to provide and care for it, it took everything in her to keep going after that. She was devastated in a way that she couldn't even begin to make sense of.

Ellie was so lost in her own emotions she hadn't even noticed the pained look on Fenris. It wasn't until all of a sudden she felt his tattooed arms wrap around her torso, pulling her body close to his that she remembered that he was even there. He held her as her body started quaking, finally giving into her overwhelming grief that she had been keeping bottled for so long.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered gently into her hair as she sobbed into his chest.

They stayed like that for some time, Fenris comforting her as he tried to work through his own feelings. When he felt that she was somewhat stabilized, he let her be alone. She didn't know what to do after this point, as far as Fenris was concerned. His sympathy was not what she had anticipated but it was exactly what she had needed all this time.

It was unspoken, though obvious between them, that this revelation was something only the two of them were aware of. If there was one thing Ellie could count on with her former lover, it was that he kept things to himself. Sure, he had told Hawke something about their past but chances are he only did that because it was a relavant conflict of interest in coming to Skyhold.

Admittedly, she felt a sense of relief now that he knew. It in some ways, even cleared the air between the two. Things didn't feel fully resolved. But she felt more at peace with him somehow now that they both knowingly shared this loss.

But Ellie was in no shape emotionally to leave her quarters the rest of the day unless the situation was absolutely dire. She sat and poured out all of her residual sadness, occasionally puttering around her room when she got restless or needed a break from crying.

To her surprise, no one had bothered her the rest of the day either, something she was grateful for. She thought if anyone, Dorian would check on her but he gave her space. She wondered at many times the rest of that day if she should tell anyone else about her loss but she ultimately decided against it for now. It was still far too painful and now the one person other than her who deserved to know had been told. Truthfully she did have people within the Inquisition she felt she could trust with it, people who would genuinely care. Dorian, obviously being at the top of that list but both Varric and Cullen were on it as well.

She was scared to know what her Commander would think, though. Her mind twisted itself in a way that almost convinced her that he would for some reason think less of her for it.

Besides, it's not like it was relevant to anyone in her company at the moment. Her past relationship with Fenris was easily justified as being something a few people should know about if they were to work together. But losing her child? No. That didn't need to come out to anyone but the people directly involved.

Her mind flicked back to Cullen though and how maybe one day it might be something he should know about. A part of her was so hopeful that what they had would become more, that he might actually feel for her what she did for him. As her emotions softened from their last encounter on the roof, she felt a sharp pang of guilt for how she treated him. He wasn't just a the Inquisition's Commander to her. First and foremost, that's what they needed. But he was so much more beyond that title and what she had said to him didn't reflect that at all.

It was times like that when she didn't know how anyone trusted her to lead this movement, not when she made decisions and said things that were hurtful in the heat of the moment. She sighed as she resolved to apologize to Cullen when they returned from the journey they left for at first light. Ellie prayed their trip to Orlais didn't take as long as they had expected.