She said nothing on the short walk to the balcony. It was a new addition and apparently had been very popular tourist spot since it offered some of the best views of the city. Allowing tourists into Alliance headquarters seemed a bit strange but then again, they'd made almost everything they could into a memorial after the war. The small plaque they passed was a testament to their fervor: Dedicated to the men and women who gave the ultimate sacrifice on the day of the Reaper invasion. The bitter flavor from before came back to her mouth. Surely, their lost lives were worth more than a silly wrap around balcony. It was just another thing she'd have to accept. At least they were being remembered; at least there was an additional plaque with the names of those lost in the building explosion.

Up this high, the cool wind caressed her hair moving it in lazy tendrils in front of her face. Shepard didn't try to move them out of her way; she wasn't here for the incredible view. It was something to distract her mind, though and she hung on to the blinking and flashing lights that danced over the water. They helped her gather her thoughts.

Everyone knew that I wanted James. I was that transparent. She sighed, pulling her arms close to her body against the chill. Now he's here, he's a Commander now. Should I tell him? Would he reject me? Get it together, Shepard. You're a grown woman just tell him already! Brand new Alliance cadets have more balls than you do.

"Nice view," James commented from her side.

Shepard wasn't looking out ahead anymore and instead looked at his strong profile. "It sure is."

"Never had views like this back home."

"Same."

James leaned forward, resting his arms on the thick metal railing. "What was it like growing up where you did?"

"In New York?" Shepard looked back to the water. "Dirty, loud, lonely."

"Sorry, Lola. Shouldn't have asked."

A gust of wind slammed against them and stripped away any accumulated warmth Shepard had saved. "It's fine, James. It got better. I've been pretty lucky."

He laughed. "You call a galactic war 'lucky'?"

"You know what I mean. I've met amazing people, made friendships many people don't get the chance to make, seen people that used to hate each other work together for a common good. It's been a wild ride but a good life."

"You always were the optimist out of all of us." James straightened and shrugged out of his jacket. "I still don't know how you do it."

"What are you doing?"

"You're shivering. Here."

Carefully, Shepard slipped into the jacket. Instantly she was enveloped in the warmth of it, the smell of James that lingered in the fabric. It was much too large for her and she wasn't able to see her hands but she didn't mind at all. It almost reached the end of her dress. She almost didn't notice James reaching forward to touch her hair. Shepard held back a gasp as he pulled her tresses out from under the jacket to let them rest on top. Perhaps she had been imagining it all, but his fingers lingered in the gold strands longer than they should have before smoothing down the jacket's shoulders.

"Thank you, Commander." She managed to whisper.

"About that…"

"Why didn't you tell me? Countless messages and I had no clue you'd been promoted. I would have sent you something in congratulations."

He raised an eyebrow. "What would you have sent?"

"I don't know. Maybe a bottle of that tequila you kept talking about."

"It's pretty expensive stuff, jefe. You didn't need to get me anything. It's just a title."

Shepard ignored him calling her 'boss' again. She wasn't sure why this was making her so upset. It wasn't like he had an obligation to tell her everything in his life. James was fully entitled to have things he kept private, but he had to have known she would find out eventually. They were close, good friends. Wouldn't he tell her if he was given a new ranking? Did he still think he didn't deserve it? She pulled his jacket closer to her body as she realized that was more than likely the case. She felt the rough edges of her anger soften, along with her posture.

"You've done so much for all of us that the least I could do for you is buy a bottle of booze. You deserve the promotion, James. You're a good man. You can stop beating yourself up for Fehl Prime."

James reached up to rub his neck. "You deserved the promotion they offered you, too. Why didn't you take it? You never went deeper than 'It wasn't for me' in our messages."

Shepard swallowed around the lump that had formed in her throat. Yes, she'd rejected the position, but not for the reasons people had thought she had. She had yet to tell anyone the real reason. James would be a good jumping point, she decided. If anyone was going to listen to her explanation thoroughly it would be him.

With a shake she poked her left hand out from the jacket and held it in front of them. The light from inside shone on one side of the metal, illuminating all of the delicate and intricate pieces. Shepard knew if she looked up to James, the same light would also reflect off of the ocular implant and she did so slowly making sure he was watching her eyes.

"They told me that this arm was combat ready after I woke up. I can hold guns, shoot them too. All of the movements are my own… something about neural impulses and cybernetics. It's almost like I never lost an arm if you don't look at it. Sometimes I can see that the movements I make are more precise than they were before, closer to perfect. They gave me an impressive weapon. It doesn't bleed, it's damn near impossible to break, and its impervious to electrical currents. Techs can't overload it. The only way it's coming off is if I'm in a room with two doctors and three nurses keeping me absolutely still. Even then it takes almost an hour.

The eye isn't quite as impressive. The surgery was mostly to reconstruct what had been damaged. There's nothing special about the metal they implanted, no cybernetics or mystery powers I have yet to discover. Just an eye with metal pieces inside of it to keep it working. Kind of a let down after the arm. I admit it. Should have asked them to stick a bunch of fancy tech in it while they were in there.

I'm off topic. I didn't take the promotion because I didn't feel like I could go back. I don't really feel like a soldier anymore. I don't even feel like a Commander anymore, even though they let me keep that title. It's almost like the pieces of me that I lost after the Crucible were the 'Commander Shepard' pieces of me. When I was laying in that hospital bed after the operations I had a lot of time to think. Was I even an Alliance solider anymore? Did I even have the right to live the life of a normal woman? Where did I even belong after all of this? If some people had their way I'd be behind bars. I'd given this place enough of my blood, enough of my tears, enough of my friend's lives. Two weeks later I sent a message to Hackett to let him know about my decision and he pushed the paperwork through."

James had been watching her with guarded eyes through her entire speech. He hadn't moved closer or further away and his arms were crossed over his chest. Through the fabric of his button-up shirt Shepard could make out the outlines of his shoulder tattoos, dark and intricate. She wished he would say something, make some kind of joke. His body language was anything but relaxed at her confession. Tense. Confused. Overwhelmed, maybe?

"What did you decide?" She almost missed his response it came out so quietly.

It felt like she was being scolded, the way he was looking at her. Was this what being yelled at by your parents felt like? Shepard took a deep breath through her nose and braced herself for his reaction.

"I told him I was done, that I wanted out. The paperwork cited an 'honorable discharge from active duty for astounding, above and beyond service'. Next thing I knew I was swimming up to my eyeballs in medals that showed up on my doorstep. People assume that I didn't take the position because I'm too humble. I didn't take the position because I knew that I couldn't be what they needed anymore. You're the only person besides Hackett and Liara that know all this. Everyone else assumes I've kept my title. The Shadow Broker helped seal my file, no one's getting a look at the truth."

"In all of the messages," he paused to take a deep breath, "you said you were keeping busy. What were you doing exactly?"

"I've been in close contact with Kahlee Sanders, Jack, and Miranda, working on biotic amp blueprints and improvements. It's a lab job, no shooting anyone, but it makes me happy."

The tension was rolling off of his shoulders and he shook his head. "You gave it all up?"

"James, please."

He stepped forward to take her hand into his. Shepard wished she could feel how warm his skin was against the metal of her hand but all she was aware of was the pressure. Cybernetics were a medical marvel but there was only so far they could go. Her green eyes watched his movements, how he traced the indentations and curves in the metal like they were some kind of maze. She'd thought their hug had been intimate but this took the cake. Shepard wasn't sure she was even breathing properly.

"Can you feel any of this?" He asked when he reached her elbow.

Shepard caught her lower lip between her teeth and slowly shook her head like she was in some kind of trance. "Just the pressure."

James frowned and let the jacket sleeve fall back over the arm. "Strange."

"You don't have to stop."

His eyes flickered to hers in surprise. The request was a bold move, something that made her feel nauseous, and she felt herself blush when James' tongue darted out to wet his lips. "Alright."

Instead of moving back to her arm, his hand brushed against her collarbone. Shepard involuntarily jumped at his touch but didn't stop him as he slid the jacket off of her left shoulder. This was the one part of her that she didn't want James to see, the nasty fusion scars. They had been completely visible to him before when they had been inside but this felt so different. James could see every pucker of the skin, every uneven layer of scar tissue. The band of the scar couldn't' have been wider than two inches but right now, even in the relative dark, it felt a mile long.

Shepard looked for a fraction of a second to her left to see if anyone inside was watching them but most of the crowd had moved towards the open dance floor at the other end of the hall where the stringed music continued to play, the ones that remained behind were deep in conversation and oblivious to the two of them just yards away. What luck they had.

"I left you behind to run into that beam alone," James mumbled as he traced the metal border. "I should have been there with you."

Her right hand reached up to cup his cheek. James closed his eyes at her touch. "It's alright. Don't beat yourself up about it."

He leaned into her hand letting out a humorless chuckle. "I'll never forgive myself for not being there. Almost killed Garrus when he held me back. I could have kept going, Shepard."

"You were wounded."

"'I need to know someone makes it out of this alive'," he quoted darkly. "That cut deep, Lola. You were telling me you were going to die, you know."

An unwanted pool of tears welled at the corner of her eyes and she moved her hand away from his face to cover the one on her shoulder. When she spoke, her voice was thick with emotion. "I'm here now, aren't I?"

"I should have been there with you," James repeated. His now open eyes bored into her, making the calm sea inside of her turn into a choppy ocean. "Should have dodged that Mako."

"I had to make sure you were safe."

"Why?"

As if he even had to ask. He was a part of her crew, a part of her family. James Vega knew that to his core. If you were a part of Commander Shepard's motley crew then you had her at your back for better or worse. There was no going back, even if you did something thought to be unforgivable she saw the good in people. She at least tried.

Shepard remembered how terrified she had been on that battlefield. She'd pushed down the fear inside of her as best as she could as she called in the Normandy for an evac but the wavering in her voice had given her away. Long before that final run she had come to terms with the fact that she was going to die in order to stop the Reapers. If James made it out alive then it would be worth it. If he died right there in the middle of everything she wasn't sure if she would have been able to keep going. The thought of him dying there chilled her to the bone. Her crew, her family, they had to live on even if she couldn't. She'd given everything she could for those she loved.

"Because I love you, James."