Hello there! I'm so sorry for the delay I hope you guys are still reading tho. Thanks to my beta Caryn. I love reviews and honesty so shoot me with some ;)
Disclaimer: I don't own any character but you all know that. If I own then swan queen will be canon already lol.
Trigger Warning: Depression.
(x)
09/20/2010.
I have not written a lot in the last few days and I apologize, but I had a relapse. Henry was with me when it happened, and I can say that the fear in his eyes will haunt me for awhile. I don't think I ever saw him so scared to be with me, and it breaks my heart every day I think about it. Dr. Hopper says I should focus on myself, but how can I do that when I have a small six year old boy waiting for his mom to play or read stories?
Kathryn takes care of Henry sometimes, and she's been supportive in the last months, but I can't call her a friend. She knows nothing about me.
My relapse was in the office, and yes Henry was with me because I couldn't go home early that day.
He was bored, even though I gave him his book and some crayons. So he decided to ask questions and I was fine with it. The questions were silly at first, but then everything was too heavy to talk about.
"Shane, I need you to reschedule my next appointment. I can't take it today." I was feeling panicky already and I know it's not good, but Henry asked about his father, and I guess that triggered something in me because I didn't know what to say, and since then I've been feeling on edge.
"Sure, Madam Mayor, anything else?" I looked at the phone lost in myself. "Madam Mayor?" I could hear his voice but I couldn't speak.
"Momma? Are you okay? Daddy coming home soon?" And that was it. Suddenly I started yelling. I couldn't think positive thoughts. I couldn't get his face out of my head. I was lost.
Shane came to my office looking in horror at my face, I was still screaming and I could hear Henry cry and look at me with terror. Shane grabbed my arm and started to talk to me very slowly, or that's what it felt like. I stopped screaming, but I was gasping for air. I was feeling so lost and worried. "Momma, why are you screaming? Are you hurt?" His voice was so small and it helped, I came back.
Dr. Hopper said it was a panic attack, and that at this point when you're trying to heal, it's normal. I don't think seeing my son so terrified of his mother is normal. I feel ashamed, because now Shane knows something and Henry too.
I've been here all day, locked in my bedroom and Kathryn is looking after Henry. I feel so bad that I can't act like a mother or an adult, and I feel so lonely. You have no idea how lonely I am. Sometimes I don't know what to do, but giving up doesn't seem like a solution. I can't leave Henry, but apparently I can't take care of him either.
I should stop feeling ashamed of being sick, but I can't. Why did you leave, Daniel? I wasn't ready to take care of Henry alone; I wasn't ready to lose you.
I started sobbing again, it seems that all I can do lately is cry, and I'm so tired of crying, of hurting. I want to be able to play with my little boy. I can't lose myself again, not when I'm trying to find a way out.
"Momma? Are you 'kay?" Henry's voice came through the door. I got up and went to the bathroom, looked myself in the mirror, there were bags under my eyes and the little makeup I had was smeared all over my face. My eyes were red from crying. "Momma? I wanna come in." I took a breath, washed my face and went to the door.
Henry lunged at me and squeezed me hard against his little body. I saw the glimpse in his eyes, he was afraid, not of me but of everything that's happening. He does not understand what's going on, and I can't explain it to him. I can't be completely honest, because he's just a little boy, my baby boy. "I'm here little prince, I'm here."
"Momma," he sobbed in my arms and my heart clenched tightly in my chest. "Momma, don't leave me."
"Oh, Henry, oh baby…" I lifted his chin and made him look into my eyes, "Mama is never going to leave you, I'm here, Mama is here." He tightened his grip against me. We stood like that for a little while, just holding each other, just making silent promises. Because if I am completely honest I could never leave my son alone. And I won't.
Never give up, never surrender. Remember what you are fighting for.
I can't stop thinking about what happened today. I'm laying here in bed wide awake. I think its 3 am. It completely sucks, you know? Insomnia. I'm supposed to be sleeping well, but the nightmares are back, so I prefer to stay awake. I hate this weight I have on my shoulders. I wish I could let go of everything, fears, pain, but mostly him. I wish I could leave him behind, but he is here every step I take and I'm tired.
Henry misses him, after all was his father, right? But I don't, I just realized it's not fair, I can't miss him, I need to be over that part of my life.
I need a friend, I bet I have one already, right? Whoever you are, thank you for reading. I feel less lonely.
I should try to sleep, but I'm afraid. What am I doing with my life?
You should see my face right now, I'm a complete mess. The bags under my eyes are scary, even my hair looks nasty. I don't know how people don't notice, or maybe they just don't care.
You need to know, I'm a bitch, and people hate me. I'm sure you're asking yourself, 'then how in the hell am I the Mayor?' Well, fear. They fear me, because I have this coldness inside of me, but I don't want to believe I'm that bad. I just feel better hidden. I feel better with this wall, I don't need more pain, and I can't risk Henry's safety.
I should really go to sleep; I think it's enough for today.
Love, Emma.