Hey guys! I'm updating because today was a snow day and I have nothing better to do. I should be studying for this test but... I'd much rather write. Studying just isn't what I do. (which might explain why I have a B- in Science). But enough about... wait...
So, some of you have had questions, so I thought I'd answer some of them. I won't direct them towards you, I'll just answer them. First, I am so sorry about that last chapter. That was the worst chapter I have ever written in my entire fourteen year life. I'll probably replace it sooner or later. Mostly, later. (I happen to procrastinate a lot). Second, Kira was basically hinting at Ally's 'crush' on Austin. She hasn't been around her lately, but she meant when they were in school that Ally's 'crush' was obvious. Ally just brought up Austin because... well, I couldn't think of anything else to put in the chapter. :). Third, Ally's POV it is! It's easier and third person confuses me sometimes. I don't know when to put the person's name or when to put the pronoun, but at the same time, I do want to explore all of the character's thoughts so because of this, only a FEW chapters will be in third person. Fourth, this story will be around 40 chapters. I'm aiming for 39 but I can't promise that there will be 39. Fifth, I absolutely LOVE this chapter! You can't hear me but I'm squealing this very moment. It is just so... well, you can decide what it is for yourself... (no flashback)
*EDITED* (for once)
That night, I had slept. That morning, I had woken up. For once, I didn't have any nightmares. That wasn't even it. I didn't feel anything. Sad, happy, excited, mad. Nothing. I didn't know why. How could a person just feel nothing? What was I supposed to feel?
I needed to think, so I reluctantly went for a walk. When I arrived at the park bench I had stupidly agreed to date Elliot on, I sit on it, trying to think. Then it came to me... Think about what? About... I couldn't think of anything to think about, so I thought about how ridiculous that was.
The only weird thing was something glimmering in the bushes. The sun gave it some sort of shiny appearance. Unsurprisingly to myself, I picked it up. It had my name on it. Ally. A smile formed on my face but I didn't let it get to me. No expectations, no disappointments. I balled up my fist, leaving it in my tiny palms. Suddenly, I felt my feet moving. I was leaving. I was going somewhere. I was walking to wherever I was led. That happened to be Sonic Boom and in there happened to be the one guy I needed to avoid.
"Uh... hi." he says, awkwardly.
"Austin? You're like... here... and talking to me. Why?" I ask.
Almost, as if ignoring my question, he glances at my balled up fist. "What's in your hand?"
I sigh, loosening my fist and showing him the necklace I had just found. "A necklace. I don't know where it came from, but it's probably not mines. Just another 'Ally' somewhere."
He gets a nervous look on his face. He's speechless. For the first time in forever, he has nothing to say. "Don't psych yourself out. Maybe it is for you."
I shake my head. "Yeah, right. I thought you were... mad at me or something."
His bottom lip trembles a little before he speaks. He had something on his mind. And I was going to let him say it. "I can't talk to you anymore, it's not that I am mad at you, it's just that when I talk to you I realize how much I love you and when I realize how much I love you, I realize I can't have you and that makes me love you even more."
"Austin, I-"
"No. That's it. You don't have to say anything. I should just go. I'd rather you know the truth than hate me." he says, before slowly walking out. He turns back to look at me, obviously not seeing the tear that flowed down my cheek. I heard what he said. I just couldn't analyze it.
"Wait." I stop him, running after him, not realizing that the necklace slipped out of my hands. He turns to me, mainly because I pulled him around. "We can talk about this... at least."
"No." is all he says.
"Why not?"
"The worst way to love someone is to sit next to them, knowing they don't love you back."
Inside of me, I felt my heart tugging on my chest. I felt it beat faster than it ever has. "I don't... I didn't think..." Tears streamed down my face faster as I tried to find words to say. What was I supposed to say? I did love him back. It was knowing that and knowing I could have him and knowing I'd be happy and knowing that all of this was being given to me. Nothing was ever given to me. It was thrown at me and if I didn't catch it, that was it. It was over. I didn't deserve him. He didn't deserve me. There was nothing either of us could do about this situation. "I don't want you to think... that I... hate you. Because I don't. I'm just..." I trailed off. I knew I needed to stop pushing people away. I knew there was a way to keep them around. What I didn't know was how to do that. I wipe away my tears with my sleeve and stare at him. I didn't have any thoughts. What was I supposed to think about? Exactly. There was nothing I was supposed to do. There were only options. Two options—push him away or keep him? If I pushed him away again, I knew I'd be the one ending up miserable. If I kept him, I knew that that meant I felt more than what I was leading myself and him to believe.
"I knew this would happen." he mutters.
"Knew what would happen?" I ask, offended for whatever reason. Another form of me pushing someone away.
"That you'd get all... you."
"What does that mean?"
"That you'd start thinking and thinking and hiding the way you really feel. You do that. It's one of those things..."
"Things..." I say, trying to continue his sentence that he stopped.
"You know how to maintain your feelings. You can't control them, but you keep them inside of you. You don't ruin things for yourself by blurting them out."
I felt like my heart was either expanding or shrinking. Either way, it felt as if it would burst out of my chest at any given moment. "You didn't ruin anything. You're perfect."
"I'm pretty sure perfect people don't go to juvie."
I shrug. "That doesn't stop you from looking amazing, being amazing, saying amazing stuff that a person who isn't amazing can't keep up with."
"If you're trying to say that you're not amazing, then you're wrong. You are."
"Amazing people don't attempt to commit suicide."
He laughs. "Wow, that's your argument." A smile small spread across his lips.
"You should smile more." I blurt out.
"What?"
"Well... on that first day, I think... you told me that I should smile more. But I think you should smile more. Both of us could. We could have a competition to see who smiles more." I say, sounding like a competitive little kid.
"Or we could have a competition to see who makes the other smile more."
"I can admit that sometimes you do make me smile... but I hide it. Letting my guard down just isn't something that I do. No expectations, no disappointments."
"Just because you're trying to avoid being disappointed doesn't mean you have to be afraid."
I laugh. "Me? Afraid?"
"Come on. I know you're afraid of something. What is it?"
I shrug. "What are you afraid of?" I ask, sitting down on a bench, patting the spot next to me for him to sit down. "The worst way to love someone is to sit next to them, knowing they don't love you back." As he sits next to me, I get apprehensive. Did he even want to sit next to me? Did it kill him inside to be with me? Those were questions that I would never have the guts to ask.
"I asked you first."
"I asked you second." I retort.
"We'll answer at the same time."
I shrug.
"Umbrellas."
"Performing and being a failure."
I glare at him. "Umbrellas? Really? Wish I had your problem."
"Wish I had yours. Do you realize how painful it is to walk around with nothing on rainy days just because you're afraid of... umbrellas?"
"No but I know how painful it is to have all those eyes staring at you, waiting for you to mess up."
He laughs. "Sounds bad when you put it that way."
"Ha! Ha ha ha! I made you smile!"
"Correction. You made me laugh."
"Whatever. Same thing. Ally: 1. Austin: 0." I say knowing that a smile was bound to form on my face.
When we both stared at each other, I looked away. "Uh, weather's nice. A little cloudy, but it's not cold or anything."
"Ally." he says. I felt the pain of my heart tugging on my chest inside of me. Then I realized something. I had every reason to be happy and if that was with Austin, what was holding me back? It could have been the same thing stopping me from moving on.
"Austin. I think... I love you too. Not in the love-marriage way, but the love-you're awesome kind of way. In the couldn't-live-without-you way." It wasn't in either way. It was in the love why-can't-I-have-you way.
He smiles. "Good. Because that's the same way I love you. You didn't think it was... the other way, did you?" It had to be. He said he loved me. But it wasn't that. It was the way he said it. Maybe he liked me more than what he was leading him and myself to believe. Another one of our problems. We take after each other's problems.
Yes. "No... but if I did, now's it a little less weird between us."
"Yeah."
"Wait! You smiled! Ally: 2. Austin: 0."
He laughs again. "Are you ticklish?"
"Don't even think about it."
"Austin: 14. Ally: 6."
"I don't know how this happened." I say.
"Well, it did. You lose."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy. Game's not over."
"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow. I should go."
"Wait, wait, wait." I stop him. Now was my chance to ask him about the pills. But I didn't. Instead, as if my body was overpowering my brain or vice versa—either way, some part of me was overpowering another—, I kissed him on the cheek. I didn't know why but I mentally scolded myself the second I did it. He didn't appear to be creeped out, but he didn't appear to be growing with frustration or nervousness or anything. That same stupid blank face.
"I know this is a stretch, but..."
"But what?"
"There's a party tomorrow night. You should go. Prove to everybody that you're not dead."
I giggle a little. "No. Remember what happened the last party I went to? I sure do. Whenever I'm at a party, bad things happen. Bad things."
"You never know. It could be fun."
I sigh. "Are you going?"
"I'm not doing anything else."
"What time is the party?"
"Midnight."
I didn't answer and it became silent, and slightly awkward. To avoid something weird happening between us, I spoke up. "You should go. It's getting dark." And he left, leaving me in my thoughts.
Later that night, I stayed up thinking. Thinking and thinking. He may not have meant 'I love you' in that way but I meant 'I love you' in that way. And now that I've stopped denying it, there's only one thing left to do. Tell him. The only problems were Elliot, Cassidy, our past, our countless setbacks, and not to mention us never seeing eye to eye. Just when I have the nerve to cross the bridge, it breaks and I fall and drown—and no one's going to save me.
Dun dun dun! Reading over it, I don't exactly love it as much as I did four hours ago but I don't hate it. I give it a six out of ten. So review and tell me what you think. Oh and I have no idea why the trailer video is not showing up on YouTube. I'll try to figure it out. I'm also still going to update this weekend. Consider this a Happy Birthday! update. It may not be your birthday, but it is somebody's birthday... somewhere.