Hello agaaaaaaaain how about double update?
I'm not so evil as you guys see ;)
I'm sorry about the last letter, and I'm sorry I haven't been writing lately. My dreams have been haunting me. But now I'm better, though, today is an important date. It's been three years since Daniel's death. Yes, Henry was three and I don't know if I feel relieved somehow for his death. Does this make me a terrible person? Maybe if I let you know who he was.
I met Daniel in high school and he was this gentleman they talk about in books, like a prince, yeah. He was a perfect guy, and he just enchanted me with his way of life. He was a dreamer, and that made him the perfect match for me. We were together for over three years before we got married, and happiness was truly a thing in my life. I struggled, I won't lie, and he knew. He knew me. And I thought I knew him.
He was a perfect husband for the first two years, we were happy and in love. We had so many dreams and goals to reach. We wanted kids and a dog, and eventually we got a big house, and a dog and a baby. But something was off with Daniel.
He was happy when I told him I was pregnant. His face lit up in a way I hadn't seen in my life, and it made me feel complete. I loved him. I did. In my second trimester, he lost his job and he was furious about it. He started drinking, and I was scared, though I thought it was just for a couple of days till he found out about another job. But it didn't happen, he didn't stop drinking and he started to get more furious.
We didn't touch each other for months. He wouldn't even let me sleep with him. I was completely sad and afraid of everything.
One night, he came home drunk, well more drunk than the usual. I was making dinner, I was six months pregnant, and Henry was a kicker. I enjoyed the feeling, except when his foot collided with my kidneys, God. Anyway, I'm sorry I tend to distract myself while I think about it. So, he entered the house smelling a lot like whiskey and who knows what else.
"Daniel? Are you okay?" I heard something smashing the floor and I managed to leave the kitchen as quickly as my bump let me. "Daniel, honey? Is everything fine?" I saw him standing in the doorway, well barely standing.
"Emma, I'm fungry" he got close to me and I smelled all the alcohol. I felt dizzy.
"Dinner will be ready, soon," I whispered, "Maybe you should take a bath." I offered him a smile and he reacted awfully. I can still feel the slap through my face. Tears falling down my cheeks.
"Don't you dare to tell me whaf to do!" he yelled. I was terrified. He was never violent, not this way at least. "I want dinner, rigft now, Emma." He took me by the wrist and dropped me in the kitchen. I fell to the floor and I feared for my baby. I feared for Henry. He started to beat me, he didn't, he…I can't. I'm sorry I.
He stopped when blood came through my blouse, I felt pain, a lot of pain, Henry was a kicker but I couldn't feel his kicks, I was terrified and alone. I started sobbing and I saw the fear in Daniel's eyes. He took me to the hospital, but I couldn't forgive him. I couldn't look into his eyes, he messed with our baby. He was dead to me.
Everything changed that night. I felt hopeless. He was my savior and a monster too. Why did he change that way? Why when I gave him everything?
I slept in the guest room for the rest of my pregnancy. I didn't let him come near me. He kept drinking, but he never touched me again. He never beat me like that night. And when Henry was born, I let him be close to him, because Daniel was his old self with Henry. When he was near Henry, I could see the glimpse of youth in his eyes, I could see the dreamer boy I fell in love with.
I think I changed that night. I became more cautious, but more quiet and lonely. I became this broken person that's trying to keep up with life. Love isn't weakness, it's strength. But love can change you; people can change you, only if you let them do it. And I did let him change me, I let him break me. I don't miss my old self because I'm trying to live with this person I am.
I wish I knew who is behind this letter reading right now. I feel like you know me a lot right now, or at least more than anyone. Thank you for listening, or reading or whatever, just thank you.
P.S: Henry's birthday is in two weeks, guess what? I'm taking him to the beach and riding. Also, he says hi. He knows I'm writing to someone, I guess he is too smart for his age.
Love, Emma.