A/N: Thank you to steffiundaxel for the review.
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"Sam," Crowley called out quietly. There was no response. Shifting Sam in his arms Crowley looked down realized the other man had fallen asleep. Incredible. Only Sam could fall asleep in the time it took to blink from one place to another. Crowley walked into the bunker careful not to jostle Sam too much or wake him.
Inside Crowley decided to try blinking to Sam's room instead of carrying him the whole way. Strangely it worked. Okay so blinking to the bunker, check. Blinking around inside the bunker, check. Just no blinking into or out of the bunker. Got it. Crowley jerked his head lightly to the right and the covers flipped backward. Laying Sam down Crowley ran his fingers across Sam's forehead brushing stray hairs back away from Sam's face. Feeling another presence he glanced to the doorway.
"Hey," Dean said quietly.
Ignoring Dean Crowley snapped his fingers and a bowl of warm water with a washcloth appeared on the nightstand. Crowley dipped the washcloth into the water and squeezed it gently to wring out the excess water. Carefully he dabbed at the blood on Sam's face. The injuries looked painful but thankfully not life threatening. If they had gone in sooner could he have prevented any of this? After he had finished cleaning the blood away Crowley checked for any other injuries. Sam let out a small whine and shifted in his sleep.
"Shh, I'm sorry. I have to check, it'll be over soon."
"Crowley?"
"It's me Sam. You're safe now."
"Dean?"
"Dean's safe too Sam."
Sam didn't respond and Crowley finished his work quickly. When he was finally satisfied nothing needed his immediate attention he tucked the blankets around Sam and checked the pillow. He tried to think if there was anything else. When nothing sprang to mind he bent down and kissed Sam gently on the forehead. Sam sighed softly and snuggled into the bed.
When Crowley heard Dean enter the room he turned to watch the older Winchester. Walking to the foot of the bed Dean reached down and pulled some of the covers back uncovering Sam's foot. Crowley gave Dean a questioning glance.
"He'd kick it off anyway. He never can sleep with both feet under the covers," Dean whispered.
Crowley nodded making a mental note. With a nod to the door Crowley eyed Dean and raised an eyebrow. Dean gave one sharp nod and both headed for the door. As they exited the room Crowley pulled the door closed leaving it cracked almost two inches.
"He's always slept with one foot uncovered. Even when he was a kid," Dean told him.
"Thank you," Crowley said quietly.
"Thank you," Dean told him. "For whatever you did that helped Sammy."
"As much as you need him, he needs you. Cain gave us the the answer."
Dean frowned. "I don't understand."
"I think we're connected. At first I passed it off and lingering effects from the blood withdrawals. Now I'm not so sure."
"What do you mean?"
"Sometimes I get these inexplicable feelings. Like before we got to the warehouse I felt a sharp pain in my mind. The feeling was very familiar to me. It's the exact same feeling as if an angel were prying into a demon's mind without caring if they hurt them."
"And there was an angel with Sam."
Crowley nodded.
"But Sam's not a demon."
"But I am. Also, I have human emotions now and I'm not a human. I think we're connected somehow now."
"The trials?"
Crowley shrugged.
"What exactly did you do back there?"
"I'm not sure. Whatever the spell was it affected me as well when I tried to talk to Sam. I'm not sure how it affected him but it was 'unpleasant' for me."
"Unpleasant?"
"Emotionally. It brought up," Crowley paused and stared at Dean for a moment. "Things I would rather not have remembered. It made me feel like I was worthless, like I shouldn't exist any longer. When you spoke I had completely forgotten you were even there. Seeing you reminded me of Sam which reminded me I had to help him."
"Whatever you did, thank you."
"Dean?"
"Yeah?"
"Is… Does Sam… How angry is he," Crowley asked.
"Angry?"
"Yeah. About me leaving and not having any contact," Crowley whispered dropping his eyes to the floor.
"Hey."
Crowley bit his lower lip and raised his eyes to meet Dean's.
"He wasn't mad."
Crowley stared at Dean confused.
"He wasn't mad, Crowley, he was upset."
"Upset?"
"Sad, Crowley. He was never angry with you."
Crowley held Dean's eyes a moment longer before looking away.
"I never wanted to hurt him," Crowley whispered.
"I know. Why don't you go in there and get some sleep? We can discuss this later."
"Are you sure I should?"
"I think he'd want you to be there when he wakes up," Dean told him.
"That's not the same as wanting me in his bed."
"I swear to God Crowley if you don't go into that room, get into that bed and hold him while he sleeps I'm knocking you unconscious and throwing you in that bed."
Crowley nodded still feeling guilty for upsetting Sam.
"Dean?"
"Crowley," Dean growled.
"I just wanted to apologize to you as well."
"Why to me?"
"For hurting your brother. For making you have to deal with the fallout of my actions. For anything and everything I've done to you in the past."
"Go," Dean ordered.
With a final nod Crowley reentered the room and closed the door quietly. For a while all he could do was watch Sam sleep. Sam hadn't been angry? If he had been in Sam's place he would have been furious. Watching Sam Crowley realized he was wrong. If Sam had left him Crowley would have been hurt and deeply saddened but not angry. How could he be angry at Sam for leaving when Crowley knew he wasn't good enough for someone like Sam?
Sam whined softly and stretched one arm out across the bed. Crowley smiled and moved to sit down in Sam's chair. Quickly he removed his shoes placing them under the desk and out of the way. Removing his jacket Crowley hung it over the chair before standing. As he approached the bed Crowley inspected Sam once more.
"Beautiful," he whispered.
Carefully Crowley pulled the covers back and got into the bed. Moving slowly he made his way closer to Sam. As Crowley lifted Sam's arm Sam pulled the arm out of Crowley's grasp, grabbed Crowley and pulled him closer. Wrapping the arm around Crowley Sam snuggling against him and sighed contentedly. Yes, he thought, this was home.
Crowley's eyes opened and he stared at the far wall. Something wasn't right. Frowning he tried to understand what was wrong when it finally hit him. He wasn't slightly warm. Sam wasn't holding him or pressed against him anymore. Turning over he was relieved to see Sam was still in the bed until he saw the expression on Sam's face. As Crowley watched Sam tossed and let out a small whimper.
Reaching out Crowley brushed his fingers over Sam's forehead to move the hair away from his face. Moving closer he put an arm over Sam and held him. "Shh. It's not real. It's just a nightmare Sam. You're fine."
"Crowley," Sam whined.
"Shh, I'm here and you're safe. It's not real Sam, not real."
Crowley continued soothing Sam until he seemed to settle. Leaving his arm over Sam he whispered, "I'm here now Sam. I'm not going anywhere. It's alright now."
Unable to go back to sleep in case Sam had another nightmare Crowley stayed up the rest of the night watching him.
Lost in his own thoughts Crowley missed the moment when Sam finally opened his eyes. Sam jerked away and Crowley instantly drew back. He knew from personal experience sometimes people didn't want to be touched after nightmares. Watching Crowley waited to see how Sam was feeling.
"Crowley," Sam asked sounding confused.
Crowley gave a small smile. "Yeah."
"What are you doing here?"
Crowley's eyes slid shut.
"Sorry, I… I didn't mean it like that."
"It's okay. I'm the one that left you," Crowley said quietly.
"Why?"
Crowley opened his eyes and inspected Sam's face. "Why what?"
"Why did you leave?"
And didn't that hurt? The only thing he wanted was to keep Sam safe and he just kept hurting him. What could he say to explain why he'd left that wouldn't just hurt Sam more? "I wanted to keep you safe," he whispered.
"I needed you."
"I'm sorry."
"I looked for you."
"I know." And he had known Sam would look for him. It was just Sam. It wasn't like him to let anything go without exhausting every possible solution. The emotional turmoil he must have cause Sam?
"I needed you and you left me."
"I'm sorry."
"Get out."
Crowley felt his heart breaking. This was what he had been afraid of happening. This was what he had been trying to tell Dean he was worried about last night. Just because someone cared about you didn't mean they wanted you around. Carefully Crowley pulled the covers back and got out of the bed. He turned back and tried to re-tuck the covers around Sam. Sam swatted his hands away.
"Leave," he ordered.
Heart breaking more Crowley made his way to the door. Looking back he eyed Sam mournfully. He had only ever tried to keep from hurting Sam. The look on Sam's face said everything. Sam hated him. After everything he had done? Crowley couldn't blame him.
"I'm sorry," he said once more closing the door behind himself.
It felt odd not having his shoes or jacket but he couldn't bring himself to care too much right now. Sam didn't want anything to do with him. Crowley felt his world crashing down around him. Without any real destination in mind he made his way to the kitchen. Dean was there sitting at the table with a plate of food in front of him.
"Sam?"
"He hates me," Crowley stated bluntly.
Dean's eyebrows lowered. "No he doesn't."
"Yes he does. I don't blame him. I'd hate me."
Dean stood and started to leave the kitchen. Stopping at the archway he turned back and stared at Crowley. "If you move from that spot I'll gut you. Stay," he ordered.
God dammit Sammy. As much as he needed Cass he recognized that Sam needed Crowley. Whatever Sam had done he had to fix this. They needed each other. Dean made his way to Sam's room. Shoving the door open he stared at his brother's back.
"Damn it Crowley," Sam said turning over. "I told you-" Sam stopped speaking the second he saw his brother.
"Shut it Sam," Dean told him. "You need him and you can't deny that."
"I don't need him," Sam growled crossing his arms over his chest.
"Pft. Yes, you do. Say what you want but you love him."
"But I don't need him," Sam argued.
"Yes you do," Dean refuted. Sighing to himself Dean moved to sit on the edge of Sam's bed. Looking to his brother Dean shook his head. "You need him and he needs you," he said quietly.
"I don't need someone who would leave me," Sam argued.
"Sammy?"
"What?"
"You can't lie to me. I know you. You need him."
"He left me!"
"He was trying to protect you."
"Protect me? From what?"
"From anything that would hurt you. Look inside, you know I'm right."
"He left me Dean. What's to stop him from leaving me again?"
"Nothing. You just have to have faith."
"Faith?"
"Yes. How many times have you told me I had to have faith in Cass?"
"Cass is different."
"No he's not. Crowley loves you."
"You don't leave those you love," Sam argued.
"He was trying to protect you," Dean shot back. "He loves you Sam. That's rare, that's important. You don't let something like that go without a fight."
"He… left me."
"To protect you. He loves you Sam."
"If you knew half of what he's been through…"
"Crowley?"
Sam stared at Dean confused. "I… What?"
"Crowley," Dean pressed. "You know what he's been through? His past?"
"Of course I know," Sam stated crossing his arms again.
"Okay. Tell me."
Sam hesitated. "No."
"Why?
"Because it's not my story to tell."
"Is it something you should hold against him?"
Sam opened his mouth and promptly shut it. "No," he said quietly.
"Then why are you," Dean asked.
Crowley sat in the chair and wrapped his arms around himself. He had never wanted to hurt Sam. Everything he had done was to keep Sam from being hurt. You think you deserve love? Yes, Crowley shot back. Just not from Sam. Sam was so… good. He never deserved anyone like Sam.
As Dean entered the kitchen Crowley looked up hopefully. Dean shook his head and Crowley dropped his eyes.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
"Not your fault," Dean told him. "You know Sam does love you, don't you?"
"He has no reason to love me," Crowley argued softly.
"Damn you two. He loves you and you love him. If you give up on him again, so help me God…" Dean trailed off.
"I won't press him," Crowley said quietly.
"You have to," Dean told him.
"I won't," Crowley stated adamantly. "I hurt him. I don't deserve him Dean."
"Doesn't matter. You two need each other."
"That's Sam's call. I'm not going to press this Dean. I… I love him too much."
"I know," Dean said quietly.
Dean's arm around him felt almost as good as Sam's. He knew he shouldn't take the comfort Sam's brother offered but he couldn't help himself. He hurt Sam. He needed… something. Someone to tell him it hadn't been for nothing.
"I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt him."
Dean didn't respond.
"Dean? Forgive me? Please?"
"It's not my forgiveness you need."
"No," Crowley affirmed. "I never wanted to hurt him."
"It'll be okay Crowley."
"Please make him not hate me. I didn't want to hurt him. Ever."
"I know."
Crowley broke, he couldn't take the kindness.
"I love him," he murmured through the tears.
Dean continued him rubbing Crowley's back.
"It hurts."
"I know," Dean repeated.
"Please make him not hate me?"
"I can't do that. That's up to him, Crowley."
"I know," Crowley whispered. "I just… I love him."
Sam lay in his bed inspecting his surroundings. God he missed Crowley. No, he told himself. Crowley had left him. Crowley had hurt him. He couldn't trust Crowley. Especially after the dreams. What if that had been a trick by Crowley. He crawled out of bed and grabbed his pants. Pulling them on he made his way downstairs. He stopped short when he reached the kitchen. He could hear Crowley and his brother.
"Please?"
"That's Sam's call," Dean told him softly.
"I never wanted to be the cause of any pain for Sam."
"I know."
"Take care of him. For me?"
"If you give up on him-"
"I don't deserve him. I actually deserve to not have him."
"You need each other. Deserved or not."
"Sam should have so much more than the likes of me," Crowley argued.
"I agree, but it's not up to me."
"If… If he finds someone else please don't tell me."
Dean grabbed Crowley's chin and jerked it so that they were facing each other. "He will never find anyone he loves as much as you. Understood?"
Crowley attempted to shake his head. His actions were thwarted by Dean's hold.
"He will never find anyone who loves him as much as you. 'As much as you need him,' right?"
"It's not that simple Dean."
"Isn't it?"
Suddenly Sam didn't feel so good. It should be him holding Crowley not Dean. Crowley needed him and he had thrown him out of the bedroom. What if the dreams had been real and not some trick by Crowley?
"I'm sorry I hurt him. I only ever wanted to keep him safe."
"I know."
"Crowley," Sam asked finally entering the kitchen.
Crowley tried to shove Dean's arm off of his shoulders but Dean wouldn't let go of him.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."
He jerked against Dean's hold again.
"Crowley, stop," Sam ordered. Crowley froze. "I'm sorry I hurt you."
"I hurt you," Crowley countered quietly.
"Two wrongs don't make a right. I was just mad. I shouldn't have taken it out on you."
"I did hurt you though."
Yes, he did and wasn't that the problem? How could he trust Crowley? On the other hand, watching Dean holding a sobbing Crowley was heartbreaking. How could he not trust Crowley. He had to know.
"Yes, you did. It's going to happen. At least until we each find our footing in this… whatever it is. I need to know something. What part did you have in my dreams?"
"Dreams," Crowley asked with a small hiccup.
"Yes. What part did you have?"
"I… I didn't… I don't…"
"You didn't interfere with my dreams?"
"Why would I?"
Sam shook his head. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."
"I… I didn't mean to hurt you."
"I know. I'm sorry Crowley."
Crowley stood and walked over to hug Sam. As he felt Sam stiffen Crowley quickly stepped back leaving his hands on Sam's shoulders. Looking deep into Sam's eyes he could sense Sam's distress.
"Sam?"
"It's… nothing."
Crowley's brow furrowed. "That's not quite accurate is it, Samual?"
"It's all I'm saying about it right now."
Crowley released him and took a step back. "Do," Crowley paused and licked his lips. Sam waited. "Do you think you can forgive me?"
Sam held his arm out and Crowley hesitated.
"I'm sorry I hurt you too. Forgive me," Sam asked.
"Always."
Crowley wrapped his arms around him and Sam held him.
He didn't deserve this after everything he had done. He should let go of Sam, but he couldn't. Why had Sam apologized? Sam hadn't done anything wrong. Crowley snuggled into Sam more. Damn he needed this, needed Sam.
"Shh. It's okay, I'm sorry."
"You didn't do anything. I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you."
"I know, shh."
As much as he knew he should let Sam go he couldn't Please just let me have this, he prayed. I need him. Again, he had no idea who he was praying to.
"I need you," he told Sam.
"I know, I need you too."
"I don't deserve you."
"Hush," Sam told him.
And damned if Crowley didn't 'hush'. Anything Sam wanted.
"We need to talk."
Crowley froze.
"Shh. I just need to tell you a few things and ask a few questions."
Crowley nodded. Sam grabbed his hand and led him out of the kitchen. Crowley glanced back briefly to look at Dean. Dean waved at him with a shooing motion. Turning back Crowley followed Sam out of the kitchen.
They walked up the stairs and down the hall finally arriving at Sam's bedroom. Crowley smiled lightly despite his trepidation. In spite of his nervousness Sam was holding his hand. Crowley shook his head. That was such a 'girl' thought he should be ashamed. Leading them into the room Sam shut the door behind them.
"First things first. How did you mail the letter?"
Crowley stared at him confused. "What letter?"
Sam walked over to his desk and opened the center drawer. Digging in the drawer he pulled out several sheets of thick paper he returned. Crowley blanched. He recognized the paper. Almost no one used that type of paper anymore. The last time he had seen it was when he had written the letter to Sam and burned it.
"Not possible," Crowley muttered grabbing the papers.
However not possible it was, this was his letter to Sam.
"That letter."
"I burned this," Crowley told him still staring at the papers.
"Obviously not."
Crowley looked up and met Sam's eyes. "No, you don't understand. I put this in the fireplace and watched it burn."
"Then how did it get here?"
"No idea but it shouldn't have. I never meant for you to see this."
"Why?"
"I needed to tell you how I felt but I didn't want hurt you anymore," he admitted dropping his eyes back to the letter.
"You never meant to come back, did you?"
"No."
"Why did you?"
"You were in danger. I had to do something."
"Why," Sam prompted.
"Because I didn't want you to get hurt."
"That's all," Sam asked raising an eyebrow. "You just didn't want me to get hurt?"
Crowley bit his lower lip.
"Why," Sam persisted.
"Because."
"Because why?"
"Because I love you," Crowley blurted out. "I love you but you deserve better. I wanted you to find someone good enough for you. Someone who wouldn't put you in danger. Someone worthy of your love."
"Someone not you," Sam argued.
"I'm sorry."
Crowley dropped onto the bed and wrapped his arms around himself.
"Because it doesn't matter what I want?"
It's not like that, Crowley tried to say but the words got stuck in his throat.
"Because you get to decide who can be with and who I can't," Sam asked walking closer.
His eyes watered and Crowley started rocking himself back and forth.
"I don't get a say in what I want?"
Crowley rocked harder. Suddenly Sam's arms were around him. Every fiber in him told him to resist, not to take comfort in Sam's embrace, but he couldn't stop himself. "I'm sorry," he repeated leaning against Sam.
"Shh," Sam whispered.
Crowley shook his head but couldn't speak.
"Shh, it's okay."
"It's not. I hurt you."
"On purpose?"
Crowley shook his head again.
"I can accept that."
Crowley reached out and wrapped his arms around Sam. It forced Sam's arms off his shoulders but he had to hold Sam. Moving, Sam put his arms around Crowley's waist and drew him closer. With a hand on Crowley's back Sam rubbed small circles.
"I'm so sorry," he repeated.
"Hush," Sam ordered.
Crowley nodded silently.
Still holding Crowley Sam moved them so they were laying down. There were still questions to be asked but they could wait. Crowley needed him right now. For now he would settle for comforting Crowley. He held Crowley as they lay there and snuggled close.
"Shh, it's okay. Everyone deserves to be loved."
Crowley shook his head violently.
"Yes Crowley, even you."
Crowley clung onto him tighter. Had Crowley ever been loved before? Probably not if the dreams were anything to go by. That was another thing, the dreams. Why was he having dreams of Crowley's childhood?
"Love you," Crowley muttered.
"Shh," Sam whispered still rubbing his back.
He continued to hold Crowley until Crowley fell asleep. Tired himself Sam curled up around Crowley and closed his eyes. They could talk later, for now a nap didn't sound half bad.
"Sammy?"
Dean knocked on the door lightly but there was no response. Opening the door he peered in and saw Sam curled around Crowley asleep. Good, he thought as he closed the door. Those two belonged with each other. Dean made his way down the hallway back to his room when he heard the buzzer for the front door. Passing his room he headed for the door quickly to keep whoever it was from ringing again.
Opening the door revealed Cass. Dean reached out and pulled the angel into a hug holding onto him tightly. Thank God Cass was alright. He had been worried when Cass hadn't shown up after the got back from the warehouse.
"I was worried about you," Dean told him finally releasing the angel.
As Cass entered the bunker Dean closed the door.
"Cass?"
"It's nothing Dean. Sam?"
"He's with Crowley right now."
"He didn't look good when I was there," Cass stated inspecting the balcony leading to Sam's room.
"Crowley cleaned most of the injuries. Sam should be fine."
Cass nodded absently.
"Cass?"
Tilting his head Cass turned back to Dean and waited.
"Are you okay?"
"There was more than one angel in the warehouse."
"How many?"
"Three."
"Dead," Dean asked.
"Dead," Cass confirmed.
Crowley opened his eyes and smiled at the slightly too warm feeling that signified Sam's presence behind him. Reaching out with his fingers he touched Sam's arm. He still wasn't sure someone like him deserved someone like Sam but Sam was right. It was his decision to make. Crowley had to accept that, for whatever reason, Sam wanted him.
"Mmm," Sam murmured. "Feels good."
Smiling Crowley continued running his fingertips down Sam's arm. Sam tightened his hold and pulled Crowley closer. Never had anything felt so perfect.
"Mine," Sam whispered sleepily.
"For as long as you want," Crowley replied.
"Mmm. Crowley?"
"Yeah?"
"If you still want to, I'd like to try."
"Try what," Crowley asked trying not to get his hopes up just in case.
"A relationship with you. If you still want to."
Crowley turned over and looked into Sam's eyes. "Seriously?"
"Seriously."
"Why?"
"Yes or no Crowley?"
"Yes. Definitely yes. I… I just don't understand."
"Because I want to try, that's why."
Crowley nodded not trusting himself to speak.
"Good. Now let's get something to eat. I'm starving."
As Sam sat up and started to shove the covers back Crowley moved. Grabbing Sam's face Crowley pulled him close and kissed him quickly. Releasing Sam's face Crowley ducked his head and bit his lip.
"Crowley?"
"Sorry. It's just that I've wanted to do that for a long time."
Sam put a hand under Crowley's chin gently raised his head. Leaning in close Sam put one hand behind Crowley's head and pressed their lips together. Crowley stared in shock for a few seconds before returning the kiss. Finally Sam pulled back still leaving his hand behind Crowley's head.
"So was that… okay," Sam asked.
Crowley stared unable to speak.
"I've never kissed a guy so," Sam trailed off. Finally he removed his hand from the back of Crowley's head and shrugged.
"That was more than okay," Crowley answered honestly.
"Thanks. I'm still not sure about the… other stuff yet. Sorry?"
"Don't be. I can wait as long as you need."
"So, food?"
Crowley nodded. Getting out of the bed he moved to the chair and grabbed his shoes. As he lifted them he caught sight of Sam watching him. Raising his head he waited.
"Shoes?"
"I don't usually go anywhere without being fully dressed."
"We're just going downstairs."
Crowley bit his lip. He didn't usually even step out of his bedroom without being fully dressed including shoes. It was another layer of his 'armor'; another way he distanced himself from those around him.
"Shoes or no shoes, hurry it up, I'm hungry."
"No shoes," he stated putting the shoes down. Sam needed food and there was no reason he needed to protect himself. At least not here with Sam.
Sam watched as Crowley returned the shoes. For some reason the prospect of not wearing shoes around the bunker seemed to make Crowley apprehensive. It finally dawned on him that Crowley used clothing as a shield.
"I can wait for you to put them on if you'd like."
Crowley shook his head. "It's okay."
"Jacket?"
"I'm good."
"Sure?"
"I'm sure. Come on, let's get you some food."
Approaching the door Crowley hesitated. Sam reached out and grabbed Crowley's hand. Looking into Crowley's eyes he waited. Finally Crowley seemed to relax. Smiling Sam led them downstairs still holding Crowley's hand. There was no one in the kitchen when they entered. Sam made a mental note to thank Dean for knocking sense into him. Releasing Crowley's hand Sam opened the fridge and inspected the contents.
"Sandwich," he asked looking back to Crowley.
Crowley shrugged. "I don't have to eat."
"Oh yeah. Forgot."
"But that doesn't mean I can't," Crowley stated in a rush. "Sandwich sounds good."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Turkey or ham?"
"Whatever you're having. Sam?"
"Yeah," Sam answered digging for the mayonnaise.
"What's love?"
Sam jumped so hard he hit his head on the fridge door.
"I mean… I know what it is to me. I don't know what it is to you," Crowley clarified softly.
"Love?"
"Yeah. For me it's only ever been sex. I…" Crowley faltered. "I don't know what it really means beyond that and I don't want to push you for sex. I don't know what that means."
"Caring," Sam told Crowley, but even that sounded hollow. "Love is…" Sam trailed off trying to come up with a good answer. "Love is caring about someone more than you care about yourself," he said finally.
Crowley furrowed his brows. "Like you and Dean," he said finally. "How you would both die for the other?"
"Yes," Sam answered feeling uncomfortable. As much as he cared for Crowley the topic of love always made him uncomfortable.
"I can't ask for that," Crowley finally stated. "But… Could you… maybe… cared if I lived?"
Sam lowered his brows and stared at Crowley. "Of course I care if you live. Why wouldn't I?"
"I… I don't know. I don't like to assume..." Crowley trailed off and fidgeted.
"Crowley?"
"Yeah?"
"Has anyone ever loved you before?"
"I…"
Crowley trailed off and the look of distress on his face was more than Sam could stand.
"I don't know," Crowley answered sounding confused.
"I do," Sam assured the demon. "I care."
"Why," Crowley asked perplexed.
"Because," Sam answered. "You're worth it."
"But why?"
"Because."
"I don't understand."
"What would you do if it wasn't me? If I was anyone else you cared about?"
"Take you," Crowley answered promptly.
"Even if I didn't want it," Sam questioned.
Crowley hesitated.
"No, no hesitation. Just answer."
"Yes."
"Without my consent?"
Crowley hesitated again.
"No. Just answer."
"Yes?"
"Would you do that now?"
Crowley shook his head. His mouth opened and closed trying to form words but seemed incapable. "No. I… You… I wouldn't… You…"
"Crowley."
"I couldn't… Sam?"
"Crowley stop."
Crowley shut his mouth promptly.
"I understand. I don't agree but I do understand… Okay?"
"I..."
Sam moved until he was behind Crowley. Wrapping his arms around the demon he held him. "I understand," he told Crowley.
"I don't know what you want me to say," Crowley admitted.
"The truth. Can you do that?"
"Yes," Crowley whispered.
"Always the truth," Sam told him.
"Sam?"
"Yes?"
"Why are you being so nice to me?"
"It's part of love," Sam told him. Had Crowley really never been loved? The dreams came back in full color and Sam fought not to cringe against them. If they were to be believed they were Crowley's childhood. How could he fault the demon anything after the dreams? If they were true.
"Crowley?"
"Hmm?"
"Tell me about your childhood."
"No!" Crowley wrapped his arms around himself. "I can't. Please?"
"Crowley? Tell me. Please?"
"I can't." Please, anything else?"
"No."
"Sam…"
"Hey, you don't have to tell me. Just for that one thing."
"Only for sex?
"Yes, Sam answered rubbing Crowley's arms… just for that."
"And you won't be mad?"
"No. That's what love is Crowley."
"I… don't understand."
"I know," Sam answered hugging Crowley tightly. "It's fine. You don't have to tell me anything you're uncomfortable with."
"I feel…."
"Doesn't matter. Crowley?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you even if you can't talk about it.
"What if I can't ever talk about it," Crowley asked.
The pain he heard in Crowley's voice hurt. "Then I'll wait forever Crowley. That's what love is."