After they finished eating Sam picked up the dishes and took them to the sink.
"I have to go back to hell soon," Crowley said quietly.
"Right now?"
"I can stay a little longer but with my last extended absence it's not a good idea to stay away too long."
"Don't trust your loyal subjects?"
Crowley smiled "Demons are loyal but only to a point. If they think they can get away with something?" He shrugged.
"Must be hard not to be able to trust anyone."
"It just is," he said with another shrug. "I've never really been able to trust anyone my whole life so this isn't any different."
"Still has to be lonely," Sam observed.
"It never seemed so before."
"Now?"
"Any time I'm not with you it's always lonely," Crowley said quietly.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. You gave me something I've never had before. I will always be grateful for that."
"You should have known love before," Sam stated.
"I thought I did," Crowley told him. "Then I met you."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I never knew love until you. I'm grateful for everything you've given me."
"Crowley?"
"Yes"
"I dream about your childhood."
Crowley stilled.
"I think. I mean I don't know if it's real," Sam continued.
Wrapping his arms around himself Crowley began to rock back and forth subconsciously.
"I hope it's not," Sam said. "I don't like thinking you went through those things."
"Please stop," Crowley whispered.
"Crowley?"
Crowley shook his head. "Just… stop."
"I'm sorry."
Crowley shook his head again unable to speak. If Sam had seen his life?
"The dreams were real weren't they?"
"I don't know," Crowley whispered. "I don't know what happened in them."
And instantly Sam was holding him.
"Shh. It's okay."
Crowley couldn't speak.
"I love you," Sam told him quietly.
"Why," Crowley asked.
"Love doesn't need a reason. It just is."
"I've hurt so many people."
"I know."
"I don't deserve you."
"Doesn't matter. I still love you."
"I… I need you Sam. You keep me..."
"Sane?"
"Yeah. I'm sorry. For everything I've done
"I know."
"Don't hate me. I think… I think I could survive anything as long as long as you don't hate me."
"I could never hate you."
Crowley reached up and held onto Sam's arms. As much as he hated being weak he needed Sam. Sam was like his lifeline to being human. How could Sam ever love anyone like him? He didn't deserve this but he couldn't let go of Sam. He needed him too much.
"Shh. It's okay. I've got you. It's okay."
"I'm so sorry. For everything."
"Shh. It's okay."
For perhaps the first time in his life Crowley let himself break down. He let go of everything and entrusted himself to Sam praying that Sam would be there for him. No one else had ever been there for him and he had no reason to trust, but this was Sam. If he couldn't trust Sam? Crowley gripped Sam's arm tighter as he broke more.
"Don't leave me?"
"Never."
And that was all it took. Crowley broke down with nothing more than faith that Sam would be there to hold him. Years of instinct told him this was wrong; told him that you can't trust anyone but yourself. He shoved that away in favor of faith. Sam was… Sam. Sam would be there. Sam would never hurt him.
"It's okay, I've got you. I'm not leaving," Sam told him.
"Please," Crowley begged unsure of what he was asking for.
"I'm here. It's okay. Break Crowley, I've got you. It's alright."
And if only for just this moment, everything was alright.
Dean stared at the spot where Cass had disappeared. Nothing had actually been settled but he still felt better. At least he knew Cass was alive. Shutting the door he made his way back to his room. He stopped when he neared the kitchen and heard his brother.
"Break Crowley, I've got you. It's alright."
"I'm so sorry."
"Shh," Sam soothed.
"But I hurt you. And Dean."
"On purpose?"
"Yes."
"Would you do it again?"
Pause. Dean peered around the archway into the kitchen. Sam was standing behind Crowley holding the demon. Crowley was sitting in a chair at the table clinging to Sam's arms like his life depended on Sam. Maybe it did.
"Please," Crowley begged.
"Shh," Sam soothed.
Looking up Sam made eye contact with him. Dean raised an eyebrow and Sam shook his head. Carefully Dean backed away. There was no reason Crowley needed to know he had seen him break down. Whatever was happening was between Sam and Crowley. He wouldn't want either one of them to interfere if it was him and Cass.
"Crowley?"
"I'm so sorry Sam."
"Shh, baby. Come on, let's go upstairs."
Crowley sniffled and looked up at Sam questioningly.
"I think we should go back to our room now. Okay?"
"Our room," Crowley asked.
"You want to keep separate rooms?"
Crowley shook his head vigorously.
"Than you're staying in my room. Come on."
Sam reached down and helped Crowley stand. Crowley turned and burrowed into Sam.
"Shh. I'm not going anywhere."
"Need you," Crowley whimpered.
"I know. I need you too."
"Really?"
"Really. Do have to carry you?"
Crowley smiled at the thought and shook his head. "I can walk."
"Okay then, come on."
Taking his hand Sam led them back to his bedroom. Crowley hesitated at the door.
"I still want you," he whispered. For the sake of honesty he had to tell Sam.
"I know. But you won't push."
He looked up at Sam confused. "How do you can you be so sure?"
"I trust you," Sam told him simply.
"Why," Crowley asked baffled.
"Because I love you," Sam said.
Crowley couldn't do anything but stare. Why would Sam love him? He didn't deserve Sam's love. Had never deserved it.
"You don't earn love," Sam told him. "Someone either loves you or they don't. That's just how it is."
"I don't deserve you," Crowley stated quietly.
"That's not how love works. People love you or they don't; deserved or not."
"Thank you," Crowley answered honestly.
"You don't thank people for loving you. You just accept it."
"It's just… new."
"I know and I'm sorry for that."
"Why are you sorry?"
"You should have known love before now. I shouldn't be the first person to love you."
Crowley bit his lower lip. "If… if I do this wrong… I don't mean to."
"There's no wrong way to love."
"Thank you."
"Shh," Sam whispered reaching for the buttons on Crowley's shirt.
Crowley stared entranced as Sam unbuttoned the shirt. As Sam shoved the shirt off of his shoulders Crowley sobered. "No," he said grabbing Sam's hands.
"No what," Sam asked nuzzling his neck.
Taking a deep breath Crowley steeled himself. "I won't push you," he told Sam.
"You're not. I just need to see you again."
"Again?"
"The last time I saw you without a shirt was when you were taking a bath. I want you topless again. Please?"
"I'm… this vessel…"
"Shh," Sam whispered. "You're perfect to me."
"I could pick anyone you think is good looking."
"It's not looks." Sam stopped nuzzling him and stared into his eyes. "You really don't get it?"
Crowley shook his head.
"I love you, not your vessel."
Crowley almost couldn't speak. "I'm not worth it," Crowley protested weakly.
"You are if I say you are," Sam argued.
There was nothing he could say to that. Sam was right. He had learned the hard way not to deny Sam whatever he wanted. In the end it only hurt Sam and him both. Reluctantly he released Sam's hands and allowed Sam to shove the shirt down his arms.
"Then can you take off your shirt," Crowley asked.
Sam reached down and grabbed the hem of his shirt. As he pulled it up and over his head Crowley watched the play of muscles. Beautiful, he thought. As Sam threw the shirt across the room Crowley met his eyes.
"Beautiful," he whispered.
"Yes, you are."
"Me?"
"Yes." Sam wrapped his arms around Crowley and nuzzled into his neck again.
"Need you," Crowley whispered.
"We have a deal Crowley. No sex without talking."
"I can't."
"Then no sex, but we can cuddle."
"Cuddling?"
"Yep." Picking him up Sam carried him to the bed.
He really really really liked cuddling he decided. Crowley smiled and snuggled against Sam. Yep, cuddling was definitely amazing. How had he never cuddled before, he wondered.
"You have to go back soon," Sam asked.
"Yeah," Crowley whispered sadly.
"Miss you," Sam said placing a kiss against Crowley's neck.
"I'll miss you too."
"Call me?"
"Of course."
"Mmm," Sam murmured.
"I really have to go Sam."
"I know," Sam said holding on more tightly.
Crowley smiled. Yes, Crowley decided, cuddling was nice.
"You have to let go Sam."
"Nope," Sam disagreed.
Shaking his head Crowley blinked out of Sam's arms.
"No fair," Sam stated crossing his arms over his chest.
Crowley smiled. "I'll come back as soon as I can."
"Promise?"
"Promise," Crowley assured him sitting in the chair. Grabbing his shoes he loosened the laces. After he had his shoes on he inspected the room trying to find his shirt. He finally spotted it lying on the floor near the door. Snapping his fingers he willed the shirt into his hands. Slipping it on he remembered Sam shoving the shirt down his shoulders. Definitely not getting rid of this shirt ever, he thought.
After he had the shirt buttoned he put his jacket on and looked back to Sam. With his hair mussed and no shirt it was an amazing sight. Committing the image to memory Crowley buttoned his jacket. Making his way over to the bed he leaned down and kissed Sam again.
"Want me to walk to the door with you?"
"I'll blink there. I want to remember you just like this."
"I have to relock the door behind you," Sam reminded him.
Crowley sighed. Reaching down he touched Sam's shoulder and blinked them both to the front door. Sam looked at him and raised an eyebrow.
"Really?"
Crowley shrugged.
"Damn it Sam! Pants," Dean yelled as he walked into the foyer.
"He has on boxers," Crowley argued.
"Doesn't matter, and you stay out of this," Dean shot back.
"See you soon," Sam asked.
"As soon as I can get time," Crowley assured him.
Opening the door he stepped out and turned back to look at Sam once more.
"I love you," Crowley whispered.
"Love you too."
Crowley walked away from the bunker and blinked back to hell.
"Really though," Dean stated. "Pants."
"He blinked us down here. I didn't get a say in the matter Dean."
"Next time say something sooner." Dean paused. "How is everything though?"
Sam ran a hand through his hair. "Good. I think."
"You think?"
"I don't know. He's… Crowley."
Dean shook his head. Trust Sam to fall in love with the King of Hell. "How's he doing," Dean asked.
"Honestly? I'm not sure. He doesn't understand love."
"Yes he does."
Sam raised an eyebrow and Dean shook his head.
"He loves you. It's not that he doesn't understand it, it's just that he doesn't know how to react."
"True," Sam mused.
"Dean?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you. If… If I don't say it enough…"
"I know. Love you too Sammy."
"Cass?"
"He's," Dean trailed off. "He's good."
"What happened in the warehouse?"
"You sure you want to know?"
"Why wouldn't I?"
"Crowley's mom was a witch."
Sam frowned at that information. "What do you mean was?"
"Cain killed her."
"Cain was there?"
"Oh yeah."
Sam paused. "Did…"
Dean raised an eyebrow.
"Did he hurt Crowley?"
Dean shook his head. "He told him what he told you. 'As much as you need him, he needs you.'"
"What does that even mean?"
"I don't know but Crowley seemed to understand it. His mom cast a spell on you and he found something in that phrase that helped him help you."
"What kind of spell?"
"Don't know."
"Don't know or don't want to say?"
"Don't know."
"Dean?"
"Yeah?"
"Crowley's past."
"What about it?"
"It was… bad."
"Figures."
"I don't know if I can help him."
"You already are Sammy."
"You think so?"
"Yes."
"Sire?"
"Yes?"
"There's a faction of demons that might splinter off to overthrow you."
"Names?"
The demon handed over a parchment.
"Thank you."
The demon stared confused. Damn it. You don't thank demons, Crowley cursed himself.
"Carry on," he ordered.
The demon bowed and left.
He had to be careful about that. If he slipped up too much it would only endanger himself and, by proxy, Sam. Crowley skimmed the list of demons. Most of the names he already had on his 'watch list', the rest he committed to memory.
"Yeah," Sam said answering his cell.
"Case I need help on if you and Dean aren't busy."
"David," Sam asked.
"Yep, it's me."
"Sorry didn't recognize the number."
"Had to ditch the last one. Don't ask, girl drama."
Sam shook his head. "What kind of help?"
"Vamps. Nothing special just too many for one person."
"Got it. I have to check with Dean but I think we're good."
"Expecting you then. East Fork, Arizona," David said cutting the call.
Sam shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. At least this would keep him occupied and hopefully keep his mind off of Crowley for a while.
Headlights from passing cars slid across his vision. Just another job, Sam told himself. Sadly he couldn't make it stick. It was nothing more than a distraction and he knew it. No matter what he was distracted by thoughts of Crowley. Had Crowley really never been loved? Really?
"Sam?"
"Yeah?"
"Just checking. You seem distracted."
Sam sighed. "It's Crowley."
"Want to talk about it?"
"Maybe."
"Maybe?"
"I'm not sure how much I can share."
"So start basic."
"He sold his soul because his mother forced him to for knowledge and so she wouldn't age ever."
"Figures. Wondered how she was still alive and kicking."
"She damned her own son to hell, Dean."
"Sounds like the woman I met."
"How could a mother ever do that?"
"A mother couldn't. That woman was no mother Sammy."
"If you knew even half the things she did to him…"
"Can you share any of it?"
"No."
"Then don't go there."
"He never had anyone ever love him before. How is that even possible?"
"Our family's fucked up but at least we are a family. Crowley never had that. He learned early you couldn't depend on anyone but yourself."
"I don't know how to help him."
"Just be there for him."
"It doesn't feel like enough."
"It's all you can do Sam."
"Are you okay with this?"
"With you dating the King of Hell? Not really, but I accept it's what you want."
"I love him Dean."
"I know."
"Can you accept him?"
"I'm trying Sam, it's just hard to trust him after everything he's done."
"That was before."
"Before what? You two dating, the blood, the connection thing?"
"Yes, before those things. He's different."
"I'm trying Sam, don't push this."
"I just want you two to be okay with each other."
"I can't promise anything yet but I'm trying Sam."
"I know. Thank you for that."
"That's what family does."
"Not Crowley's," Sam said quietly.
"Enough Sam, I get it. His life was fucked up. Stop bringing it up if you can't share any of it."
"Sorry."
"Don't be sorry, just stop bringing up things I can't fix."
Limping to the car Dean opened the door and slid behind the wheel. Turning his head he inspected his brother. Sam was sitting in the passenger seat with his head leaned back over the head rest. One of the vamps had thrown him into a wall and Sam had hit hard. Dean still wasn't sure he shouldn't take Sam to the hospital.
"We leaving now," Sam asked cracking an eye open.
"How you feeling over there," Dean asked.
"Told you, I'm fine."
"Sure we don't need to take a trip to the hospital?"
"Yes Dean. I'll be fine. I just want to get moving."
Rolling his eyes Dean shoved the keys into the ignition and started the Impala. As he pressed the gas his ankle yelled at him. He dropped his guard after watching Sam hit the wall and fall unmoving. Before he could get to Sam a vamp tackled him from behind twisting his ankle on the way down. This was going to be a long sixteen hours.
"Want me to drive?"
"Not a chance. Our luck you've got a concussion and would probably black out and crash Baby."
"I should gut you on the spot."
He heard the voice before he felt the presence of the angel. Spinning around he took a step back and dropped to defend himself in case this went badly. Dealing with angels was dangerous. The angel didn't move.
"Give me a reason not to kill you demon," the angel spat.
"I can give you the Winchesters."
"How would a demon like you be able to do that."
"Crowley," he said simply.
"Your king?"
"Not my king."
"What does he have to do with either Winchester?"
"My information tells me he's gone weak since they kidnapped him. The rumor is he started having 'feelings' for the younger one."
"You expect me to believe a Winchester would care for a demon?"
"Yes, at least the younger one. He has a history of it."
"What is it you want from this?"
"Kill Crowley when you're done with him."
"You wish to be king of the demons?"
"No, but he no longer deserves the throne. He's too soft."
"You hate him that much?"
"He's the one I sold my soul to. It's his fault I'm a demon."
The angel shook his head. "You signed the contract."
"To spend time in hell, not to become a demon. You have no idea what's it's like to become a demon. Crowley has to die."
"How do you propose we do this?"
"I can give you Crowley. With him you can lure out the Winchesters. At the very least the younger one. The older one will follow to keep his brother safe. Kill Crowley and do whatever you like with the brothers. We both win."
Finally slamming the car door shut was almost a relief. Sixteen hours of driving with a screwed up ankle and trying to make sure Sam stayed awake. All he had to do now was make it into the bunker and he could finally rest his ankle. Sam made his way to the bunker and Dean limped after his brother. When they finally made it inside Dean slammed the door behind them.
Walking across the foyer he stared at the staircase. This was going to be a long climb. One foot at a time he reminded himself. With a sigh he finally started up the stairs. When he finally made it to the top he looked up and took a second to be grateful that his room was only one door away. Shoving the door open Dean entered the room and shut the door. Limping his way to the bed he flopped down face first.
He really should stay up and keep an eye on Sam for a few more hours. Really though, if Sam hadn't keeled over on him after sixteen hours they were probably safe. Maybe he could risk a short nap. Reaching up he grabbed his pillow and shoved his arms underneath. Yeah, one small nap and then he'd check on Sam.
Dean was awake and on his feet before he understood why. Suddenly Sam yelling cut through the silence. Ignoring his ankle Dean raced down the hall to his brother's room and threw the door open. A quick sweep of the room failed to turn up any intruders. Rushing to the bed he checked Sam. Sam making pained noises and rolling from side to side with his hands holding his head. Dean reached out to move Sam's hands away from his face.
"Come on Sam, let me see."
Sam didn't seem to hear him. Gripping Sam's hands Dean pried them away from his head and checked for any injuries. Not finding anything Dean released Sam's hands and gripped his shoulders.
"Come on Sam, talk to me. I need to know what's going on."
"Hurts," Sam whimpered.
"That does it, we're going to the hospital."
Sam shook his head and grabbed Dean's arm.
"I'm not chancing it Sam. We need to know what's wrong with you."
"Not me," Sam gritted.
"What do you mean? Sammy? Damn it Sam answer me!"
"Crowley," Sam finally managed.
"Crowley's doing this?"
Sam shook his head again.
Crowley's words came crashing back. "I think we're connected… Sometimes I get these inexplicable feelings. Like before we got to the warehouse I felt a sharp pain in my mind. The feeling was very familiar to me. It's the exact same feeling as if an angel were prying into a demon's mind without caring if they hurt them."
Damn it. If this was something happening to Crowley there was nothing he could do to fix this. Grabbing Sam Dean carried him downstairs and dropped him on the couch. Kneeling down he did the only thing he could think of that might help. He prayed to Cass.
"This can stop any time you want. All you have to do is contact the Winchesters."
Crowley looked up, glared at the angel for a moment and then spit at him.
"Perhaps the demon was right. Maybe you really have developed feelings for one of them."
Demon. So he had been betrayed by one of his own. He should have expected this really. He hadn't been paying near enough attention to his subjects. Of course they'd turn on if they thought they could get away with it. Didn't matter. He would not let these angels anywhere near the brothers.
"Then call just the one brother. Whichever you do not have feelings for," the angel demanded.
"Fuck you," Crowley ground out through the pain. He jerked as another wave of Grace shot through him.
"Who are you really protecting? A Winchester? Someone who would just as soon kill you as look at you? Do you really believe you deserve to be loved?"
Straightening Crowley lifted his chin and stared directly into the angel's eyes. "Yes," he stated defiantly. "I deserve to be loved."
"A pathetic, worthless demon like you? What makes you think you deserved love. What did you ever do that would make anyone love you?"
"You don't earn love. Someone either loves you or they don't. That's just how love is," Crowley stated. If he could do nothing else to protect Sam he would refuse to give in to this angel. In his mind he could hear Sam's voice. Love is caring about someone more than you care about yourself. He would die before he did anything that would hurt Sam. The angel released another wave of Grace into him and Crowley braced for the pain.
"Can you help him?"
Cass shook his head. "I don't understand how they're connected."
"Do something Cass. Anything."
Looking back to Sam Castiel tried to think of something that might help. Placing a hand on Sam's chest Castiel released a fine thread of Grace into Sam. "Sam," Castiel whispered. "Think of Crowley."
Sam tried to toss but Cass held him still.
"Think of Crowley Sam," Castiel ordered.
"Hurts," Sam muttered.
"I know. He's hurting and he needs you. Think of him Sam. Think about how much he needs you right now. Find Crowley Sam."
Almost as soon as the words left his mouth the world around them began to shimmer. Castiel tried to understand what was happening. Before he could make sense of anything the bunker shimmered out of existence.
Suddenly he found himself kneeling over Sam in a field outdoors. About twenty feet in front of him was a dilapidated barn covered in ancient Enochian symbols. Sam moaned and Castiel dropped his eyes back to the younger Winchester.
"Sam?"
"Crowley," Sam muttered.
Unable to take Sam with him to inspect the barn and unwilling to leave him alone Castiel blinked back to the bunker. Banging on the door Castiel didn't stop until Dean answered.
"What the hell was that? Where's Sam?"
Without answering Dean's questions he gripped Dean's shoulder and blinked them back to Sam. Dean dropped to the ground and inspected his brother. "Stay with him," Cass ordered.
Breathing heavily Crowley glared at the angel.
"How are you defying me," the angel demanded.
Crowley had discovered whenever he kept Sam foremost in his thoughts the angel had a hard time hurting him. At least with his Grace. Stab wounds from the angel blade and burns from holy water littered his body. Crowley fought not to show any of the pain he felt.
"Answer me," the angel demanded as he twisted the angel blade in Crowley's leg.
The doors shattered and light streamed into the barn. Wincing against the sudden brightness Crowley squinted trying to find out what was happening. Through the debris he saw a figure striding forward. As everything began to settle the figure became more clear. Castiel?
Flinging one hand out Castiel tossed the angel into one of the walls.
"Two angels," Crowley yelled.
Porting from where he stood to the other angel Castiel stabbed him through the heart with an angel blade. The second angel ported just behind Castiel. Turning Castiel reached out and placed his hand on the angel's forehead. Crowley squeezed his eyes shut just in time.
When the light faded Crowley cautiously cracked one eye open. The two angels lay dead at Castiel's feet. Reaching down Castiel grabbed his angel blade out of the other angel's chest. Turning around Castiel inspected him. Crowley waited for Cass to decide on whatever he was thinking about.
Striding forward Cass reached out and placed his hand on Crowley's forehead.
"No," Crowley yelled. "At least let me see Sam first! Please!"
Glaring at Castiel Crowley frowned when the angel removed his hand. He wasn't dead and nothing hurt anymore. Crowley bent down inspecting himself. The injuries were healed.
"Can you walk," Castiel asked.
Crowley nodded too stunned to speak.
"Then follow me," Castiel ordered.
Crowley followed Castiel out of the barn. Several feet in front in them he saw Dean kneeling on the ground with a gun drawn. As they neared the older Winchester Crowley noted a form lying near Dean.
"No," Crowley whispered. Terrified Crowley blinked to Dean. Sam lay on the ground curled in a ball. Dropping to the ground Crowley lifted Sam and wrapped his arms around him.
"What happened," Crowley asked quickly.
"Sometime last night he started holding his head and complaining about how much it hurt. If this has something to do with you-"
Gathering Sam in his arms Crowley blinked them back to the bunker. Dean could be angry later. Crowley had to take care of Sam right now.