Hey. I'm back and this one will be longer and a bit more interesting. So... here ya go.

I had been having a lot of self-doubt lately. Well, more like doubt itself. About everything. And unfortunately, Austin and I fell into the category of "everything". I just felt overwhelmed by everything that happened in the past that I was stuck there. And I wanted out. I just didn't know what I'd have to do to get there.

I had decided to talk to Austin, since maybe a conversation could fix things? Communication was important in relationships and since I had a terrible history with relationships (meaning not having any at all) it seemed like a good idea.

"Hi." I said when I saw him. I sat on the couch. I just had to state my fears, plain and simple. If I didn't do it now, I would never do it. "I know I think too much about the future—and the past—but... it's like I can't get over everything that happened to us. It's like all the memories are stopping me from moving on with... everything."

"You mean me?"

"That's not what I meant."

"That's pretty much what you said."

"By everything, I meant..." I stopped because I knew he was right about what I had said.

He sat down next to me. "Tell me the truth. By everything, did you mean our relationship?"

"Well... yeah. I mean, can you blame me? We have a really long history together and maybe it's..."

"Maybe it's what?"

"Whatever. Never mind. I didn't expect you to understand. You're not an understanding person."

"Really? This isn't about me not being understanding. This is about you not being grateful for the fact that once in your life, someone actually cares about you."

"Isn't a key point of a relationship understanding each other?"

"No, it's listening to each other."

"Of course you don't seem to be doing that."

He sighed. "I'm listening to you. I just don't agree with you." I was quiet.

"I'm just worried that things won't work out. That we'll end up hating each other and I'll end up getting hurt." I told him.

"Most of the things you worry about won't even matter a few months from now."

I sighed. "You can't blame me for thinking that when we get to school, everything between us will change. You won't want to be seen with the dorky, suicide girl, will you?"

"What makes you think that things will be the same for both of us when we get back to school? Do you not realize that people will treat us both differently?"

I did. I knew that people would be all, "I thought she was dead" and stuff. I've dealt with comments like that before. All my life, actually. Maybe after a month away from it, I've suddenly forgotten that it was ever there. "People will treat you differently. It will all be the same for me."

"No, it won't," he said. "People will be afraid of you when they realize that someone's life was almost lost because of what they said and did."

"And that's a step-up?"

"I didn't say it was a step-up. I just said it wouldn't be the same."

I groaned. "Have you forgotten how high school works? Do you know what it's like to walk into school and see everyone whispering and laughing and know it's about you? I do, and I know that nothing will change. I'll always be the girl I was in freshman year."

"Yeah. You will, maybe to them. But a couple years from now what they think of you won't matter. Why do you care so much about what people think?"

It was cute how clueless he was. I've noticed that high school works in certain ways and nothing can be done about it. "I don't. But I care if I'm tormented and treated like trash. You wouldn't understand what it's like to have everyone laugh at you unless it's actually happened before. Or have everyone think untrue things about you and there's nothing you can do to stop it."

"Maybe there is."

"I lost hope for that a long time ago."

"Maybe it's the fact that you lost hope that you're not willing to try. You decided that your life was over before you even attempted to live. If you never try, you'll never know."

I knew he was right. "I think we should..." I didn't know. I really didn't know. "I'm sorry, but I feel like everyday you spend with me is a day wasted for you. I feel like you need more than what I'm giving you, like I'm not worth it and-"

He put his hand on my hand and I instantly stopped talking. "Maybe you're not worth it. Maybe all of this was an accident and maybe... some things happen for a reason."

"And do you want to risk finding out?"

He shrugged. "Ally. None of this makes sense. That's why I trust it."

It was true. We didn't "just happen".

The act of doing crazy things solemnly because they were crazy was something I had never done. It was something I wanted to do. I knew who I wanted to do it with. For once in my life, I had a plan to start myself out, but no plan to finish with. And that was a good thing.

I decided to leave. Truth is, I didn't know what I wanted or who I wanted or if any of this was real. I feared things that may never happen. I feared getting hurt again. And I didn't want to play the risky game of not knowing what was to come. He did.

This made me confused. Did we just break up without saying the words? And if we did, part of me felt like I was preventing myself from getting a broken heart. But the other part knew very well that my heart was already breaking.

I was still walking away. He didn't come after me.

And I was scared.

Because when you love someone, you don't let them go.

So... I decided to put this somewhere between and short and long. It might be the kind of chapter you'd want to re-read... I don't know. Please review and tell me what you think.