A/N: Another look into Mellie's thoughts. Reviews of all kinds are greatly appreciated, and I hope you enjoy. Also, most of the chapters' titles are song lyrics and meant to somewhat go with the theme of the chapter or just the feeling of it in general. It's usually something I listen to while writing or editing the chapter. If you're curious about the songs and want the list, ask in a comment or send me a message. The song that goes with this chapter is Afraid by The Neighbourhood.

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing from ABC's Scandal or anyone/anything else.

I was lying in my bed, trying to go to sleep, when all I heard were gunshots, over and over. All I could see were kids running in the dirt streets, afraid for their lives, and adults pointing weapons back at us. Some ran drug rings, others murdered, a lot were sex traffickers.

I couldn't get the image out of my head. All I could see was me and Warren getting in that truck and riding down the road. What's worse, is now I knew we were going to get blown up, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Right before we got to the bomb, I remember looking over at him and laughing about something. I couldn't remember what he had told me that was so funny, and that really bothered me.

It was all over with one loud boom.

I sat straight up in our bed, trying to catch my breath and come back to reality.

It was only a dream. It was all in the past. That was years ago.

For some reason, the PTSD had gotten worse again lately. I guess I was still worried about all of our personal life coming out and work. I knew Mellie was concerned about me. She had mentioned me going to my counselor at the VA twice already, but I said I was fine.

I wasn't.

I wasn't going to do anything irrational. I wasn't suicidal. I just wanted the dreams to stop, for the guilt to go away, because I knew I had done everything I could to try and save my friend's life. I wanted to simply feel better. I was stressed out, and I needed these old worries to go away.

The clock said 6:07, and I knew I was already going to be late for work. I wondered where Mellie was this time of morning, unless she planned to go in with me and was already ready. She came in at least three or four days a week now, but usually arrived around eight and left around three or four.

I got up and took a quick shower, then put on a nice suit, wanting to mix it up, and a dab of cologne and hair gel. I grabbed my wallet, keys, and phone, and went into the kitchen to grab a quick bite. I saw the back door open and Mellie on the patio, talking with Lance. I had gotten the guys in the routine of just meeting me at work recently and only whoever's on house duty for the day to come out here in the morning. I grabbed a banana nut muffin and fixed a cup of coffee, then reached into the cabinet. I pulled out a half full bottle of whiskey and took a few drinks, put it back, and grabbed my food. I walked to the patio and they stopped talking when I came out, which surprised me a little.

"I gotta go baby, I'm already late. You coming in today?" I asked, giving her a kiss.

"I don't know, I might. Have a good day," she told me, watching me walk back into the house, grab my bag, and walk out the front door. I couldn't hear her sigh, but I could feel her disappointment. Disappointment in the fact that she felt like I was always rushing around and rarely slowed down. I felt it too, but I did it to try and hold what was left of our private life together, to give us and our daughter a future free of gossip, free of the lies, free of our past.

I needed to learn to slow down and appreciate her more.

Two days later, on Friday, I went in at seven and planned to leave at two. I had scheduled an appointment with my counselor at the VA that afternoon, hoping it would help with the PTSD. Ben was going with me, but he had taken house duty that morning and was bringing some street clothes for me later.

Mellie didn't come in Friday, which was odd. Her missing three days in a row wasn't like her, and I knew something was up. I decided I would ask her about it tonight when I got home, but I called Ben around nine to just keep an eye out for anything unusual.

He quickly ended our phone call when he said she was calling him on the other line. Turns out, she just needed him to fix a leak in the kitchen sink. He came in the house a few minutes later with a black bag full of tools and went to work.

"I'm kinda surprised you're here today," Ben said, lying under the sink cabinets, making sure the pipes were sealed good. "I figured you would've gone in after taking a few days off."

"I was going to, but...anyway, it's not important," she sighed. "Do you think you can fix it?" She asked, leaning against the island in my rolled up sweatpants and a black t-shirt.

"Oh yeah, I just need to patch this little hole and tighten the faucet handles," he explained, reaching into his bag to get his caulking gun out. "And it is important if something's upsetting you," he grunted, trying to get in a good position to fill the hole.

"It's nothing, ok?" Mellie lied to him. It had been a while since she dreamed about Jerry, but it was a double whammy this morning with Jerry and her father. She remembered that night every now and then recently, but had only said something about it to me once.

She started a fresh pot of coffee and pulled out a black skillet from the cabinet.

"You staying for breakfast?" She asked him as he came out from under the wooden cabinet with his tools.

"Sure," he said reluctantly, going to fix the faucet handles.

"How do you like your eggs?" She asked, going through the fridge for milk and eggs.

"However you make em is fine, I'll eat it," he smiled, grabbing a wrench. He wanted to get that information out of her. He wanted her to go get help, but knew that would be a long shot.

By the time he fixed the faucet, she had the pancakes, bacon, and eggs ready and was getting a cup of coffee for him.

"Damn, Mels, you didn't have to do all this," he sighed. "What's the occasion?"

"No occasion. We do this every weekend," she explained, handing him a plate and sitting at the island with him. "Every Saturday for the past six years," she sighed, twisting her wedding ring around, wishing Fitz was here. "Since we got serious."

His eyes met hers and she was afraid he knew her thoughts. He was the only one of the guys who had learned to read her well.

He knew she was trying to numb the pain. He knew Fitz and Mellie a lot better than the guys. He knew she was a lot better now than she was three months ago, but she still had a few bad days. He knew Fitz wished he could stay home more than anything in the world, but he had to lead this state and make money to pay the bills. Sure, they both came from wealthy families, but ever since she married Fitz, he knew she was more cautious about money and put a lot of back in their savings. Jerry had hired Ben five years ago when they got married, when he was still in school. Ben learned on his first day not to mention a man by the name of Sam around Mellie, who he later learned to be her father.

"This is really good," he said, taking a bite. "Thanks for making it."

"No big deal," she replied, tucking her hair behind her ear and eating some pancakes. "So you and Fitz are going to the VA today?" She asked, just trying to make conversation and change the subject.

"Yeah," he mumbled. "He keeps dreaming about Kosovo and is just stressed out. He just wanted to go talk with his counselor for a minute."

"Undercover?"

"Yeah. Both of us. He said if something else comes out in the tabloids, he'll..." Ben sighed. "He just wants to protect you. And what's left of your personal lives."

"I know," she sighed sadly. "He's...he's doing a good job, he is." She wiped her eyes quickly and finished her food.

"Mellie..."

"I'm fine, Ben," she said, putting her plate in the sink and began cleaning up the kitchen. He put his fork down and stood up, wanting to comfort her. He walked towards her and she backed away.

"Mellie, listen to me-"

"I said I was fine, Ben! Just leave me alone," she said, trying to keep it together as she walked into their bedroom. He followed her, right on her heels, only to get the bathroom door slammed in his face.

"Mellie-" He slammed his fist against the wooden door, hearing a cracking sound. "Mellie, I just want you to talk to me."

She sat on the bathroom floor by the sink, holding her knees as tears rolled down her face. She didn't want to talk about this, not with Ben. He would try and make her see the therapist again when all the therapist will tell her is time heals all wounds and put her on an antidepressant.

"About what?" She yelled, slamming her palm on the door.

"About what's bothering you," he said, taking off his radio, gun, and badge and leaving them on the bed. "Don't give me any crap about how you're fine because something is eating away at you, Mellie, and I hate seeing you upset. You hide it from Fitz sometimes, but he knows when you're hurting more often than you think he does."

"Damn it, Ben, I'm not talking about this with you!" She yelled, wiping her eyes and wishing she hadn't left her phone on the charger in the kitchen. She would call Fitz if she had it and tell him to come home and handle Ben.

"Why? Because it's about Sam? Is that it?" He asked, leaning against the door. He didn't get a reply and heard her heavy breathing through the door, and his heart sank.

"Please open the door," he said calmly, knowing he needed to handle this gently. "I know about him, ok? So just tell me what's happened and then we'll go about our day."

He heard the lock click on the doorknob and the door opened slowly, and he stepped in and found her in her usual spot on the floor. He knelt down beside her and she stared him dead in the eyes, and he knew she meant business.

"Don't you ever mention his fucking name around me again," she growled, her voice breaking. He tried to get closer and she pushed him away, moving closer to the bathtub. He sat by the door and the sink and sighed quietly, knowing this might take a while.

"How the hell do you know about him?" She asked, pulling herself together and wanting answers.

"Jerry briefed me on both of you when he hired me," he explained. "I know about your families, your medical histories, your allergies, a list of everywhere you went in the past year, and some stupid stuff, including...things not to mention," he sighed.

Mellie couldn't believe how much he knew, and she wondered if Fitz knew about it.

"Damn it," she whispered quietly. "What else do you know? What's my favorite color? Do you watch us when we sleep?"

"No, we don't. I'm assuming your favorite color is purple, because you have a lot of purple shirts and a purple rug in here," he smiled. "Look, we give y'all space, but we interfere when we need to, and clearly right now, I need to," he sighed.

"You're not going to leave until I talk, are you?" She asked, looking in his eyes. He shook his head no and she sighed, leaning back against the white bathtub.

"It was just another dream last night," she started. "Every now and then, I have recurring dreams of the night when Jerry assaulted me. Fitz usually knows about them, but I didn't tell him about it this morning. I also didn't tell him that I dreamed about the night my father kicked me out and never spoke to me again," she shuddered, hating to even have to think about him. She hoped to never see him again in her life.

"That's all it is," she said. "I just...when it happens, a switch just turns on and I shut everyone out for a while. I shut down. I can't help it. I've tried not to. I'm just afraid that…one day I'll wake up and won't be able to cope with this, and…" She sighed, shaking her head in shame.

He nodded and said nothing, trying to process this, how she could be feeling, how these events messed with her mind. They sat in silence for a few minutes until she looked back at him again.

"Did you know? The night it happened, I mean?" She asked quietly. His heart stopped for a second and he dropped his head, shocked at her question.

"No," he whispered. "None of us knew. Chris and I were outside, making sure everything was ok before we went home for the night. Lance was off that night. All I remember from the next day was Jerry acted kind of...jumpy. I could tell he had been drinking all night, and every time we tried to talk to him, he got freaked out. I never made the connection until later."

"You had seven events over the next two weeks and Jerry was at every one of them. You put on a very good face in public and to Fitz. But when you got behind closed doors, alone, you just seemed like you were in this daze, like someone had drugged you. Like you were sick or depressed. I asked Fitz if he had noticed anything different, and he said you were probably just tired. That's when he told me y'all had been trying to get pregnant for a few months, so I brushed it off as that. Then I remember the morning he took you to the hospital and called me about it and I wanted to kill Jerry," Ben sighed, shaking his head in anger.

"I couldn't even begin to understand how Fitz felt. If someone had raped Kelly, I would've been in jail for killing them. I know he wanted Jerry dead, I know he tried to figure something out. But I'm glad he died the way he did," he said.

"Me too," Mellie admitted. "It was for the best. I hated not telling Fitz about it, but Jerry had threatened me a couple of times. He threatened to rape me again, he said, 'because it's not rape if you enjoy it, and I know you enjoyed it,' he said," she sobbed. Ben moved over beside her and took her into his warm arms.

"I'm glad he's not here to do that anymore. I was so scared when I told Fitz. I was especially afraid that she was Jerry's baby and not his. I was even more scared the morning we went to the hospital. We had been sitting by the fireplace and fell asleep, and I dreamed about Jerry. He woke me up, and I felt weird. My entire body ached, I was weak, everything in my abdomen hurt. Sharp pains would come and go and they moved lower quickly, and I knew it wasn't good. He first noticed the blood and made me lay down, and we both thought it was a miscarriage. I knew that's what had to be happening. I felt horrible. I felt sick to my stomach at the thought of it. I was too weak to change clothes and I wouldn't let him help me because I felt like I was filthy, unworthy of seeing," she admitted, her heart sinking deeper into her stomach.

"Dr. Ryde did a rape kit as soon as we got there and she examined me. Fitz never would tell me anything about it except he wanted to go kill Jerry with his bare hands then. She knew I had been raped weeks earlier without me even telling her. Thank God it was just a tear from it, and that our daughter is Fitz's," she sighed with relief. "The worst part of Jerry's death and the investigators learning of the rape...the worst part was them questioning us."

She stopped talking and took a few deep breaths, trying to explain everything.

"It's ok," Ben whispered, keeping an arm around her shaking body.

"They asked me if Fitz had ever abused me, if he hurt or threatened me. They asked me if my own husband had raped me, Ben," she said, shaking her head in disbelief. "We both told them exactly what happened, that we had no reason to lie about it. They finally closed the case after a month and believed us."

She stood up and wiped her eyes and sighed as he got up.

"I'm sorry about all this," she apologized, straightening her clothes out.

"It's not your fault, Mellie. Don't worry about it. Thank you for talking to me, though. It made me feel better," he smiled.

She smiled and gave him a hug, glad he was there, even if she didn't want to talk at first.

"Thanks," she said, following him out to the bedroom as he picked up his things off the bed and put them back on.

"Of course," he said, going back to the living room. "Thanks for breakfast. You need me to fix anything else?"

"I'm good, but don't tell Fitz he gets to clean the house when he gets home," she smiled. "Go on out there. He probably needs your help more than I do."

"Lance will be here at one, so call one of us if you need something before then," he said, grabbing his tool bag and going towards the front door. He opened it and stood in the doorway, letting the warm air and sunlight spill into the house. "And Mel, I'm always here if you need me."

"Thank you, Ben," she said gratefully.

She didn't want to admit it, but she felt like a weight was lifted off her chest after talking to him.

She ended up being glad he mentioned her father.