Chapter Nine

How I made it through the night without alerting Thomas to my suspicions I will never know, but somehow I did. I knew if I confronted him now, he would be able to explain everything away so I needed more proof before I said anything, and if he thought I was still ignorant, that evidence would be easier to collect.

I was appalled with myself that I still enjoyed making love to him and didn't have to fake anything. I supposed that despite my fears, I still loved the bastard it seemed.

When it came time to sleep, I turned my back to him and he spooned me, resting his hand over my stomach as usual, but I didn't close my eyes. I waited for over two hours, until I was sure he was asleep, then I slipped gently out of his embrace.

I made my way into the kitchen and collected the herbs, then I got the Latin book, where Thomashad found the tea recipe and the banishment ritual to get rid of Lucille, then I set myself up at the dining room table with my laptop.

First I checked the contents of the herb bags, since they were in English. Mandrake, belladonna, yarrow, ground mistletoe berries, spiderwort and knotweed.

Mandrake roots and berries were poisonous but not the leaves. Mistletoe caused drowsiness, which was probably why I slept after drinking it. Knotweed seemed pretty benign from a medical point of view, the worst spiderwort could do was cause a rash, and yarrow actually seemed medicinal.

Next I translated the tea recipe and ingredients directly from the book.

The page was headed Possessionem Videntibus Vulvam which I typed into google's translation service and

My blood ran cold and my hands began to shake.

It meant 'possession in the womb'.

My hand went to my stomach. No wonder Thomas threw that first condom away, he'd always planned on getting me pregnant, just like Edith. I must already be pregnant or he wouldn't have given me that disgusting potion.

I was such a fool not to insist he wore a condom, why hadn't I? Why hadn't I been on another form of birth control to start with? Sure, I was overcome with lust and had told myself that I could just visit the family planning clinic when I got home, but it was out of character for me to be to blasé. With the damage done once, I had allowed myself to have unprotected sex with him ever since, not giving the consequences a second though. That really was not at all like me, I was always safe.

I didn't know if I was hurt or angry but either way, I pushed both emotions aside for now and turned to the second spell. It had no page heading so although I couldn't understand it, I read through the page, hoping to discover where the relevant section began. When that revealed nothing, I typed both pages into a word document, then translated them through google again.

Nothing seemed relevant to what I had done, these pages seemed to be discussing the devil, or Beelzebub it called him, and bore no resemblance to the so called translation that Tom had written out for me.

I decided to translate the phrase I'd recited instead. Although I wasn't sure where the paper Thomas had given me was, in my attempt to memorise it I'd recited it so often that I knew it by heart. 'Prodiit nos receperint vos' meant… 'We welcome you to come forth'.

Holy fucking shit! He'd actually had me invite the bitch to possess my baby.

Tears stung my eyes and as hard as I tried to blink them back, I couldn't.

My heart was breaking because the man I loved had delivered me to his demonic sister, as a vessel for her hellish spawn.

I cried for what felt like hours, until I was physically exhausted, but even so, I knew I couldn't sleep. Instead, I made myself some tea, the regular kind, closed down my laptop and nursed my mug while I waited for Thomas to wake up.

I had a long wait, plenty of time to think about what to do next.

My emotions veered wildly between extremes. One moment I was furious, which made me grind my teeth and clench my fists, pressing my nails into my palms with enough force to draw blood. The next I felt devastated and actually felt pain in my chest as I broke down in fresh tears.

With my 20/20 hindsight, so many things were making sense now though. Why, when he'd discovered that Lucille intended to possess Edith's baby, his only reaction had been 'that makes sense', because he had already known, and probably been complicit in it. Why he never seemed too worried about the possibility of my failing, because I'd been set up to fail from day one. It explained how he knew which stone the ingot was in; why his first words were not 'did you do it?' but 'did she do it?'; why he seemed rather blasé about the fact that I forgot to spill the wax immediately after the spell.

Because most, if not all of the spell was fake.

It also explained why Lucille never really frightened him. I'd thought he was being strong for me, when he'd actually been her accomplice all along.

As my anger rose once more, I began to pace the room.

The absolute worst thing though, was that he'd done it all under my nose, mostly with my cooperation and the few things I had been suspicious of, him sneaking out at night, then losing me in town, appeared to be totally harmless. I might as well just have written 'Sacrifice' across my forehead and handed him a knife.

In my rage I threw a punch at the wall. The sharp pain that shot up my arm robbed me not only of my anger for a while, but also my voice and gasping with pain, I made my way back to the table and sat down.

Wallowing in both this fresh pain and my original miseries.

I was such a fool.

Why hadn't I listened to my intuition and maintained my distrust of him? I could see now that I had been expertly played and manipulated, given bogus things to suspect so that when they turned out to be nothing, I would distrust my instincts and believe him, but that didn't make me feel any less stupid.

Well that bastard was in for a few surprises when he awoke, I thought with relish.

First of all, he clearly didn't expect me to work any of this out.

Second, his arse was getting dumped faster than you could say 'kicked to the kerb'.

And as for the baby, Edith might not have had a choice but I certainly did. A quick trip to the family planning clinic and this baby would be history, along with its demonic hitch hiker.

Thomas emerged from the bedroom earlier than I expected, around 5am.

"Is something wrong?" he asked me, not seeing my red eyes since I was sitting in near darkness.

"That depends. Have you played me like a fiddle and offered our baby up to your demonic sister, or not?" I sounded calmer than I expected to but my distress was evident in my voice.

He didn't even look surprised, just disappointed, and so pained that I almost felt sorry for him.

"Please, Katherine, you have to understand "

"It's Kate, and I don't have to do anything."

He took the seat opposite me at the table but he kept his gaze lowered.

"I don't know what to say," he began.

"I know it's probably a foreign concept, but why don't you try the truth?"

He finally looked at me. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but I always had your best interests at heart."

"You're right, it doesn't seem like it, but go on anyway. I'm interested to see what spin you put on this."

"First of all, you have to believe that my feelings for you are real, I swear."

He had no clue how much I wanted to believe him, so much so that I began to cry.

"I watched you from the other place, knowing what Lucille planned, and I knew I couldn't let her do it, possession would mean your body lived on but your soul would be torn out and not only that, but trapped in that other world where you found me! I couldn't leave you to a fate like that so instead, I offered her a deal. I promised that, as with Edith, I would get you pregnant and let her have the child, as long as she left you alone."

"If that was her plan with Edith, why did she plan to possess an adult this time?"

"Because her options were limited. It's harder to possess a child than an adult, they need to be prepared with the tea beforehand and besides… you weren't pregnant. No one here was."

"So you provided her with that help, and of course a baby, once I freed you."

"Yes."

"But that could have been your plan all along."

He looked pained at my accusation. "It could have been, yes, but it wasn't. I love you, Kather Kate, and I have since the moment I saw you."

He told such pretty lies that my heart felt as though it might shatter and my tears fell harder for a few moments.

Perversely I felt as if the only thing that would comfort me was a hug from him, and it cut like a knife to know that that could never happen again.

"Please, Kate, if you were right, why would I be planning our life together?"

"I don't know, maybe so the baby is raised right?"

"You think I care about that? I care about you! And for what it's worth, I hate Lucille. She took Edith from me and for that, I can never forgive her."

"But you're helping her!" I yelled.

"To save your life!"

I wiped my tears away, which was a futile move since the flow was continuous.

"Please, Kate, don't do this, don't send me away. You'll need help when the baby comes."

"The baby isn't coming, Thomas, I'm aborting this abomination."

"NO!" Thomas looked stricken. "If you do that you will free Lucille's spirit and she will take over your body!"

"What?" That shocked me out of my self-pity for a moment.

"While Lucille possesses someone she has to bind herself to that body, just like a regular soul, or she could easily be exorcised. Once bound, just like a human soul, only death can release her. If you kill your child, you will release her."

It sounded so plausible, not to mention that he seemed so earnest in his feelings that I almost wished it was true.

"That's rather convenient."

"Not convenient, truthful. And logical, a soul must be bound to its body, even a demonic one."

"And what happens if I miscarry?"

"You won't. Lucille would never agree to this if there was a chance you might miscarry."

"Or that's what she wants, then she's out in the world, free to possess whoever she wants."

"No, she needs the house, it amplifies her powers."

I shook my head, blinking rapidly to try and end my tears.

The funny thing is, even after everything he'd lied about and done to me, I actually believed him.

I wasn't anywhere near ready to let him off the hook though.

"You claim to love me, but you let me live in terror for over a week, when you could have spun your bullshit solution at any time."

"I had no choice," he said, sadly. His eyes were filled with tears as he silently begged me to stop.

"Why?"

His tears spilled over. "Because you're intelligent. If I hadn't kept you frightened, you would have seen through the ruse!"

"And let's not forget, you had to lay the groundwork of doing suspicious shit that then turned out to be nothing, so I wouldn't even trust myself!"

"I didn't lie about how good your instincts are, so yes, I had to make you question yourself." He wiped his eyes. "It had to be obvious enough that you notice, yet subtle enough that you thought you knew something I didn't."

God, he was a master at manipulation.

"So when I heard you talking to yourself the other night, you weren't really rehearsing a proposal, were you?"

"No."

"Who were you talking to?"

"Lucille." He admitted without hesitation. "I could use the mirrors to converse with her in the other dimension."

"And why didn't I insist we used protection when we made love? I haven't had unsafe sex since I was a teenager."

"Lucille had a limited ability to influence minds, she kept you from thinking too hard about it."

"You know," my tears fell harder, "some of this honesty would have really been appreciated a few weeks ago, then we wouldn't be in this mess."

"No, we wouldn't," he admitted. "Because you would be dead and Lucille would be walking around in your skin."

Well… talk about brutal.

I swallowed down the feeling of vertigo that his words left me with and took a few deep breaths, determined to stop crying (at least for the time being) before the conversation continued.

"So, what happens now?" I asked.

"I rather think that's up to you."

I let out a brittle laugh. "Oh, that's a good one, Thomas. Yes, I really have had a lot of say in this situation."

He didn't have a reply to that.

"I was talking about the baby. Apparently I'm stuck with it so what does that mean? Will the pregnancy be normal? Can she hear us speaking now? What about childhood? You grew up with her, right?"

"The pregnancy should be easy, she can't hear us now, and her childhood will be normal. She isn't omnipotent, she has the same limitations as most children do. As she gets older, she will come to understand who and what she is, but her powers here are limited."

"Why is she here then, why not stay in hell?"

"She couldn't, she was banished over a power struggle. I'm not sure when exactly, or how she was freed, but she was banished from hell to the place you found me in."

"She said Faust freed her from there."

"Well, someone did."

"So what does she do here now, on Earth?"

"She collects souls."

"How? Why?"

"The how is through bargains she strikes, she gets their soul upon their death. The why is for power."

"What kind of power?"

"To influence events, alter probability, inspire imagination, that kind of thing."

"Flicker lights?"

"Yes, perhaps a little telekinesis, sometimes odd things would happen around her, but nothing serious. I believe that her supernatural abilities are limited here, no matter how many souls she collects."

"Then why does she do it?"

"For power in hell. I imagine that when you've been evicted by the devil himself, you need quite the arsenal upon your return."

"So the house traps them?"

"Essentially, saving them up, preventing them from entering the afterlife, heaven or hell, until Lucille is ready to return."

I had processed a lot of information in the past few hours and I seemed to have reached my limit and we sat in silence for a few long minutes. Thomas eventually broke the peace.

"You look tired, you need to sleep."

"I wish I could. Tea?" I asked as I got to my feet and headed into the kitchen. I didn't have the energy left to feel anything deeply any more.

By the time I got to the kitchen I couldn't remember his reply, so I made him one anyway and placed it in front of him. I then took a seat on the sofa.

The next few hours were mostly silent, the silence only occasionally broken, usually by Thomas.

"Are you hungry?" he asked.

"No."

"You didn't eat much last night. Now I know why."

"Yes, how deceitful of me to keep my suspicions from you. I do so hope you can forgive me." I was big on sarcasm today.

"I didn't mean "

"I don't care what you meant."

After over two hours of such nonsense conversations, I decided it was time to get ready for the day and stood up.

"Where are you going?"

"To get dressed."

"Why?"

"Why not?"

I felt as though I was experiencing the world through a filter, second hand as it were, and everything I did seemed harder and slower than before. I also took more care with my makeup this morning and although I left it simple, I took the time to cover the dark circles under my eyes with concealer and put foundation on, so I didn't go from looking like a sunken skull, to some kind of clown with big white rings around my eyes.

I dressed in old, worn jeans, a t shirt, and a large jumper, then I pulled on my favourite Doc Martins and army jacket; these were my comfort clothes.

"Where are you going?" Thomas asked as I walked through the apartment.

"Out."

I couldn't look at him, the sight of him still made me ache with the need to go to him and I was afraid I would lose my will if I did.

"Let me go with you."

"No."

"Please."

"No."

"Will you be coming back?" I could hear the catch in his voice.

I paused by the front door but didn't turn around. This was as close as we had come to the question "is this over?" and although I knew what my answer should be, I wasn't at all sure I knew what it would be.

"I don't know."

As someone who isn't religious, and who doesn't even like Roman Catholicism because of its sexist teachings, I was somewhat surprised to find myself in church for the second time in less than a week. Truthfully, I was here because I couldn't stop thinking about the priest saying that babies weren't born evil.

I sat near the back again, looking at the cross over the altar, wondering if I could really go through with this pregnancy and if not, if I could live with the consequences of freeing a demon.

"Back so soon."

I looked up to see the priest approaching me.

"I'm glad to see you back, but sorry to see you looking so troubled." He sat sideways in the pew in front of me, like before.

"Did you want to speak to me?" he asked when I hadn't said anything.

I nodded. "But you'll think I'm crazy."

"We won't know unless you try," he tried to tease me.

I looked down at my hands. "Do you believe in demons?"

"Well, the bible, both new and old testaments, talks about demons and exorcisms. I'm not sure if I believe it personally though."

Something must have shown in my expression because be rushed on.

"I am fully qualified to discuss the subject however, from a theological perspective."

I still didn't know if I wanted that.

"Would you like to enter the confessional?"

I looked up, surprised by the suggestion.

"Anything I hear in confessional is protected, so even if I do think you're crazy, I cannot tell anyone."

"Even if I'm not Catholic?"

"There are no loopholes with religion, something is either right or wrong. Repeating something I hear in the confession box is always wrong, no exceptions."

I considered it for a moment then nodded, so he led me over to a large wardrobe like box and I took my seat.

"How do I start?"

"Have you ever done this before?"

"No."

"Then just start talking."

Even if he did break his word, he didn't know who I was, so I knew I wouldn't be carted off to the loony bin, andi made sure to leave mentions of the house name out of my story, only calling it a hotel.

I swallowed, then I began my story. It was the Sparknotes abbreviated version but once I began, it was hard to stop and everything came out. I cried towards the end but softly. Honestly, I was surprised I had any tears left.

"And you now believe you're carrying a child that has been possessed by a demon?"

"Pretty much. Crazy, right?"

"I admit, it sounds that way. However I meant what I said before, the bible does talk of possession by demon."

"So could I get an exorcism?" I enquired, my heart pounding at the thought.

"The church does still have some people who specialise in demonology, but the last actual Vatican sanctioned exorcism was decades ago, I don't think there's anyone alive qualified to do it."

Of course not, that would be too easy.

"It also comes with a high risk of death to the possessed," he went on. "Assuming the phenomena is real, priests are not Christ, and I've come across stories of many failed exorcisms, sometimes with fatal consequences."

Maybe it made me a bad person but I didn't want to die, especially not on the off chance that Beelphegor would be sent back to hell.

"Did you mean what you said, about no baby being born bad?" I asked.

"I did and after everything you've told me, I still do. Doing evil is always a choice. Always."

"So you think there's a chance for redemption?"

"There is always a chance," he said with conviction.

"But the likelihood is I'll be raising an evil creature that will spend her adulthood seducing men with money and fortune, then collecting their souls."

There was a long pause.

"Forgive me, but do you even know if you're pregnant?"

"I haven't taken a test yet."

"Then isn't this all rather premature?"

He didn't believe me.

It's hard to describe how hard his words hit me, I deflated like a balloon that's been popped.

I was stupid really, he had said from the start that he didn't believe in the devil, so of course he didn't believe in demons.

I just thought… well, I hoped that I had an ally, someone good, someone on God's side. I mean yes, I'm an atheist, but you don't start believing in demons without at least questioning whether or not God is real too.

My eyes were pricking with fresh tears and I felt an enormous urge to run.

"You're right, I'm sure I'm imagining things. Sorry, Father."

I bolted from the confessional and ran out of the church. He called after me but he didn't even know my name to call it.

I ran as far as I could, then I ran on. I ran until I couldn't run any more, until sweat poured down my face, until my lungs burned, and the stitch in my side was so bad that I had to double over, my hands on my knees while I panted.

I had nowhere else to go. I had friends and family, of course, but we weren't close. My mother would freak out and yell at me, my brother would laugh at me, and my friends would fall somewhere between the two.

I supposed I could call the Samaritans, 'Yes, hello? I'm carrying a demonic baby, do you have any advice for me?'

Or not.

Once I regained my breath, I walked. I had no idea where I was heading, my car was back at the church but without a destination in mind, it didn't really matter how I complete the journey.

I reviewed my (very limited) options as I transected the park.

I didn't want the baby but according to Thomas, I couldn't abort it.

I knew that if I had the baby, I would have to raise it myself; her only chance of not being evil was a good upbringing, and I couldn't be sure that would happen if I put her up for adoption.

So the question became, if I had her and kept her, would I want Thomas to be a part of our lives?

He was the person who knew most about this situation but equally, I didn't know if I could ever completely trust him again. Plus, if push came to shove, who's side would he be on, mine, or Lucille's?

I probably had to speak to him and this time listen to my instincts, but I felt as though my intuition was still off balance.

Maybe that was what had me angriest of all, that Thomas had managed to make me doubt myself.