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I can't forget it, though I've tried
I know you regret it, love,
You told me so many times.
Ch. 2
Regret
I indulge Gale and soon we're out of the house, through the victor's village and walking slowly towards the meadow. He seems pleased that we're going, his grey eyes have lit up with anticipation, and every few minutes he looks back at me, and smiles. I try to mirror the sentiment, with varying success. Gale takes special care to avoid parts of town not yet touched by reconstruction. As we walk through the new neighborhoods, I marvel at houses being built with materials provided by the new Capitol. There are a few completed houses by some incomplete frames, made with bricks and adorned with actual siding like the ones in the victor's village. It's a vast improvement from the shacks and decrepit buildings that stood before. Though these improvements are everywhere I look, its impossible to avoid the faint smell of ashes and burned buildings that still hangs in the air. We still see glimpses of the torched parts of town, and I swear I see a bone here or there. By the time we reach the meadow my stomach is tight with doubt about the whole venture. Despite half of me wanting to return home and curl up by the fire, I follow Gale into the woods.
Once we've made it deep into the wilderness, I hold my bow, stoic, ready to let loose an arrow at the sight of any game. A squirrel scurries by, and though I follow it with my arrow, I don't shoot. A stag walks by, but my hand hesitates, and then hes gone. I finally give up trying when I can't bring myself to shoot a lazy turkey waddling by in plain sight. Nearby, Gale is busy setting up traps, too absorbed to notice my inability to shoot. He doesn't even turn when a leaf crunches under my foot when I step towards him. I open my mouth, about to ask him if we can return home, but stop short. I'm overcome with dizziness, and I crouch down hands cradling my face, trying to steady my vision. When the world decides to stop spinning under me, I look up, and Gale hasn't even lifted his eyes from his work. I can just see his face from where I'm crouching. His eyes are calculating, analytical. His brow furrows in concentration. This is the man who designed the weapon that killed my sister. Even with my best efforts, I cannot find the boy I met years ago. I can't find my best friend.
I do want to find him. I desperately want to find the old Gale, the one who isn't hardened by war. I want to forgive him, and I want nothing more than to forget. I want Gale to hold me, I want him to fill the empty spaces in me. Despite this, his transgressions refuse to back down in my mind. The words swirl around and I can't push them out. ...Prim, Coin, Peeta… They march to the beat of my heart, drumming into my mind. I know it's unfair to blame Gale for something he had no idea would kill somebody I love. But still, the fact that he designed such a thing bothers me. He offered an apology, and I had accepted it, but somehow, it wasn't enough. It was never enough for me, and I hated myself for it. Gale stands, observing his work for a bit before turning to me.
His satisfied look falters upon seeing me, and I realize how crazy I must look, clutching my face, staring at him like he's a difficult math problem I'm trying to solve. Despite this, I can't pull myself out of the crouch, and a whimper escapes from my mouth. All this thinking about Prim and the war has brought the tears back, and I struggle not to outright sob. It's not like I can hide my condition of my mind, I've displayed it several times already to him today. Even so, I don't want him to see me like this. I'm unstable, crying, curled up and defenseless. I don't want that to be the way he sees me.
Gale is watching me, worry written on his features, unsure whether to comfort me or let me pull myself together. When it becomes apparent I won't stop crying, he crouches next me, wrapping his around me, pulling my quivering body closer to his own. The tears still coming, soaking a wet spot onto his shirt.
"I'm sorry Katniss." He whispers, over and over. I want to accept it, and I wish it made everything better. He rubs my back with one hand, the other alternates between cradling my head and stroking my hair. When I finally quiet, we sit for a while, listening to the forest. I jump when his trap suddenly snaps, and a rabbit gets pulled into the air, writhing with panic. We both watch it for a while. At first I feel indifferent. It' just like any other animal I've killed. But as I watch it squirming in it's panic, a sick feeling establishes itself in my stomach. I tear my eyes away, and sensing my unease, Gale asks if I want to leave. I try to say yes, but no sound comes out. I try again, and only a strangled moan makes it's way out of my mouth. Gale sighs and stands up. He quickly lets the rabbit free, and then before I can protest, scoops me up and starts back towards town.
An exhaustion induced by 2 bouts of crying has sweeps over me, and sometime between the town and home I fell asleep. For once, I dreamt of something that didn't make me scream myself awake. In my dream, I was running through the forest. Unlike many of my dreams that I'd had recently, I wasn't running away from anything. I was just running, for the joy of it. I glanced behind myself, and there was nothing, only blackness. But it wasn't scary, or enveloping, in fact I only felt relief. The more I ran, the farther away I got from this blackness. After a while, I saw Gale ahead of me. His arms were outstretched, and I felt a beckoning force coming from him, and I wanted nothing more than to be in his arms. Before I could reach him, I felt myself fading out of the dream and into reality. When my eyes flutter open, Gale is sitting on the edge of my bed, smiling down at me. I'm aware of my blanket tucked around me, undisturbed. Although it's fairly simple, it's hard to take in.
"How long was I out?" I ask, groggy, unsure what to feel about everything that had happened today. Outside the window, the sun is setting. Was I really gone that long?
"A few hours." Gale chuckles to himself. "You slept like a log." He's still smiling, and I wish I could smile back just as easily. I let the corners of my mouth twitch, but it feels unnatural, and I give up. Gale reaches out, as if to touch me, but then retracts his hand. I wish he had touched me.
"What did you do while I was asleep?" I ask. If I was like my old self, I'd be incredulous. Now my voice just sounds empty. I hope he didn't watch me sleep. Gale just smiles.
"I went to town and bought some food. Sae stopped by, but I told her I would make dinner. Haymitch stopped by, too. I guess from the smell he went back to being a drunk." Gale is talking as if this is all normal. I don't mention that Haymitch hadn't bothered to stop by before now. I don't mention that I had been having insufferable nightmares before. Instead I stare at him, a twinge of irritation growing at how easily he talked of other's demons consuming them. How easily he brushed aside my pain, acting as if it's all normal. As if I can be fixed with an apology, a day in the woods, and dinner cooked for me.
Of course, I want it all to be that simple. But it can't be.
Note: Sorry if this is too out of character. Thank you for all the reviews so far! I really appreciate them all. I'm getting back in the swing of writing, so sorry if my rustiness shows.