Ch. 4

Heaven

She smells like heaven

Been best friends since we were eleven

Oh my god, I like her...

Baby, I thought that we had something

Compared to him, I'm next to nothing

Oh my god, I like her...

The only thing that crossed my mind when we were kissing was how much I had missed her. I was absorbed in kissing her, I wasn't even been thinking when I started for her pants. I honestly could have just pulled them off, they were so loose. This realization, and the things it entailed, hit me like cold water, pulling me out of the heat of the moment. I wasn't kissing the Katniss I had fallen in love with, and I was kissing her in such a despicable way. I was taking advantage of somebody in a fragile state of mind.

It would not have been good for Katniss to continue. So I pulled away. It was hard not going back to her, especially since she'd been as caught up as I had been. But it wasn't right, it was pretty much hate sex. That's not how I wanted to...do this with Katniss. In older days when our district twelve still existed, and I was just realizing how much I liked Katniss, I had imagined a million different ways we could have touched and kissed and gone further. This reality wasn't included. All of our kisses since had been out of passion on one of our parts. This isn't how I wanted it at all.

Katniss is right though. Those were different times, and we'll never be the same. You can't undo death. A lump forms in my throat at the thought of Prim, and those innocent children who died along with her. Winning the war had a high cost. I had convinced myself that it was for a good cause, but as Coin's plans revealed themselves after her death, I wasn't so sure. Over the months of my work in District 2 my resolve started to erode away, until there was nothing left. Looking at the mountain I trapped those workers in reminded me every day that I wasn't right. A week ago, I realized I had to visit Katniss. I bought the train tickets 2 days ago. I was supposed to stay a week.

This visit isn't going at all as I'd planned. Of course, I had foolish visions of a recovering Katniss, reluctant but eventual forgiveness, and a restored friendship. All of these things have yet to happen. Greasy Sae had told me about her depression, but I was hoping she'd at least moved...At least took care of herself. I was stupid to hope.

My mind refuses to sleep as I lay next to her. It's still racing from our fight, and even more so from kissing. She sleeps soundly, and I wonder if any nightmares are plaguing her, or if her stillness is an indicator of her peacefulness. While she was taking a shower, Greasy Sae divulged that it was the first time she left her rocking chair in months. I don't know if that's a good thing. Is it better to be lost for months or to cry all day and break down?

It occurs to me that I may not be the healthiest thing for Katniss right now. If Greasy Sae is telling the truth, and she won't answer her phone, even for her doctor, why am I here talking to her? It would be better for her if I let her recover before we continue further. There's also Peeta to factor in. There's talk that he's getting better in his recovery, and he plans to return to district twelve. When he does, what will happen to me? I can't be part of this love triangle anymore. They've been through the games, and that's the kind of atrocity that binds you to someone, and I honestly don't know if she'd choose me or him. It's not fair to ask her to choose. It's best for me to leave.

I wait an hour, revelling in the warmth of Katniss, preparing to let go of her permanently, a clean goodbye that is better for the both of us. There will be no fights. She will understand. I take one last inhale of her, kiss the top of her head, and whisper goodbye. I gently move away, trying not to disrupt the mattress. She's sleeping soundly, though, and doesn't stir when the floorboards creak under my feet, grabbing my clothes and boots before gently shutting the door behind me. I try to put on my boots and shirt as quietly as possible, and leave the house soon after, not leaving a trace behind.

The night is dark and brisk, and I walk quickly towards the train station, but change my mind halfway there. I turn on my heel and head towards where I've heard my mother lives, and find myself in front of the door I think is hers. I raise my hand to knock, but stop myself before my knuckles can meet the wood. They're probably sleeping, and I'd be nothing but a disturbance. I haven't even lowered my hand when Rory opens the door.

"Hey, Gale." He whispers. His eyes hold no hint of sleep, and refuse to blink as they bore up into mine. He's getting tall.

"What a warm welcome for your brother." I force a laugh, but Rory looks unimpressed. This is the last thing I expected from my family. "What?"

"Pretty much everyone saw you carrying Katniss back to her house." His voice is flat, and I find myself irritated that this is the welcome he's given me. I'm gone for months and he doesn't even look happy to see me.

"So?" I ask, a bit sharper than I intended, but Rory doesn't seem phased. He just sighs and shakes his head. I grit my teeth, silently imploring Rory to exlain if he's so willing to judge. "So, what?"

"Why are you here? At this hour in the morning?" His voice is betraying no emotion, and my stomach twists in irritation. What does he even know about relationships?

"I'm not here to discuss Katniss, is mom up?"

"Of course not." I was afraid of this. I want to speak to her, but I also don't want to leave in broad daylight. I just want it to be as if I was never here. Rory continues to stare at me.

"Can you get me a piece of paper?"

Mom,

Sorry I didn't stay very long and get to see you, I had to get back to 2. There was an emergency and they needed me right away. I don't know when I can come back, I'm very busy at the moment. I miss you and everyone and I promise I'll call.

Can I ask you to do me a favor? Can you check on Katniss and make sure she is doing okay?

Talk to you soon, Gale.

AN:Oh jeez, it's been a long long time since I last updated. I'm so sorry! I've been hoarding this chapter for a while, I hope you guys like it! Thank you for the reviews and follows. Next time it takes longer than a month to update, go ahead and shoot me a message! Trust me, you won't annoy me, and I sometimes need a push to start writing, haha.