Note: Possible Trigger Warning for suicidal ideations. This chapter is pretty dark.

Ch. 5

Time

Time and energy all for nothing.

I should've listened to my intuition.

I have enough will left in me to drag myself from my bed, back down to the rocking chair downstairs. My bones rub painfully through my skin against its wooden frame, and I briefly consider returning to the bed. But this rocking chair is what I've known. Before this...disruption, I spent my months here, and I don't know what else to do now. Sae still comes to feed me, but otherwise, I'm still alone. She does not speak to me about Gale, or even skirt around the issue. I don't dwell on it, either. There's a dull ache in my chest that only amplifies when my thoughts drift in that direction. Instead, I reduce myself into blank numbness, staring into the fire, watching it dance.

One day among many, I notice Sae's mask slip. I only eat a couple bites out of a whole bowl of soup she's prepared. Her brow furrowed, and a slight frown touched her lips. She pitied me. Sitting in a chair isn't a way to spend life, and I know it. Unlike everybody else, I can't move on. I do not have the will to drag myself from the chair. An emptiness has settled inside of me. It replaces my will, binds me to this damn chair. It tells me to spend most of my time sleeping. Instead of fighting it, I oblige.

It occurs to me that this is what bound my mother after my father died. A twinge of the despise I felt for myself in the beginning returns, briefly, but it does not stay. I'm no better than her. At least there's no one left to depend on me. The thought makes my throat tighten.

I begin to have a recurring nightmare. It's the day prim died. I can see the parcels dropping. I can watch, but I cannot move. My scream is silent, my pleas for her to run never leave my throat. I can only watch. I always wake up in a cold sweat right after she dies. Then wait until the sun rises. Sae comes, feeds me, and I restlessly nap until she returns for dinner. It becomes my schedule.

After a while, I begin to get a bed sore, so I spend a few days hunched over. Greasy Sae brings me a knitted shawl. I ask her where it's from, but she doesn't say. It seems odd, but I'm soon distracted by the dancing flames in the fireplace. I become somewhat entranced by them. They lick the walls, flicker in seemingly random ways. Watching them becomes a nice way to pass the time, distract me from my thoughts.

After a while, the phone begins to ring. The first day it rings incessantly, for an hour at least, before the silence takes over again. Then it's just one phone call a day. Another addition to my schedule, at right about noon. I never question whether or not I should answer it. I have nothing to say. Whoever is calling me has not cared enough to visit. I suspect that it's Gale, but I can't answer it. Not now.

I'm not sure how long has passed since Gale's brief visit. The leaves have fallen from the trees outside, and Sae has started to wear heavier jackets. Her looks of pity return more often, and linger on me. I watch out of the corner of my eye as her gaze lingers on my withering body. My hair has begun to fall out, uneven strands are practically woven into the shawl she gave me. Sometimes I watch her while she makes my meals. She's aged considerably since the war. I always knew her as the older woman at the Hob who bought wild do. Now she's the older woman who is my caretaker, who has a granddaughter, who was probably as affected by the war as I was.

Today, my schedule is disrupted. Sae is late. I know, because the sun is already well into the sky and she still hasn't come. Hunger twists in my stomach, causing it to growl out into the silence. I feel tense, like something is off. I wonder, absently, if Sae has just given up on me. Decided I wasn't worth it, left me here to fend for myself. Maybe she hopes I'll starve to death. She'll get her wish.

The phone doesn't ring.

It's half past noon when Sae let's herself in. I don't know whether I'm relieved or disappointed. It seems as though it would be easier if she left me be. Let me die. I know I shouldn't feel like that way. I quickly push the thought from my mind. Something strikes me about this morning. It seems off, however I can't quite pinpoint why. Besides being late, there's another minor detail that is setting off all the alarms in my brain, making my neck tense and my hair stand on end. I look towards the doorway, and watch Sae enter, followed by her granddaughter, and then a third person.

Gale.

I know what I should feel. There should be an anger welling up in me, a feeling of betrayal, something. Even relief would be acceptable. But I can't dredge any of those feeling from within me. Instead, I don't break eye contact, or even blink. I just look at him. He looks as though he's aged too. I haven't really thought about it before, but now that I really look at him, I notice lines around the the corners of his mouth, and the beginnings of crinkles around his eyes. He looks at me, and then quickly looks to the wall behind me, the cupboards, everywhere but the rocking chair I sit. I remember that I haven't showered in a long time, again. I've only left the chair to go to the bathroom, but I couldn't bring myself to look in the mirror.

I do not feel embarrassment.

After a while Gale pulls himself together and snaps his gaze back to me, again determined to face me. His mask isn't as resilient as Sae's, and it crumbles within seconds, revealing pity. The corners of his mouth into a frown, and his hands ball up into fists, and a spark of shame sputters to life somewhere in my mind. I consider retreating to the bathroom again and washing the months off of me, so we can pretend it can go back to normal again. But who would I fool? We both knew I was a pile of broken pieces. There was no base to glue me back together with. Nothing to rebuild.

"Katniss…" Gale finally speaks, and I watch as Sae and her granddaughter leave the room. There's an echo of irritation in me. They were in on this. The feeling quickly dissipates. "I'm sorry for leaving. I thought it was the best decision." I watch him, still not moving. He is looking at my feet, his hand rubbing his neck. I think back to the night he left, how his kiss felt, how my heart fluttered and yet I still felt empty.

"It's okay." The words surprise me a bit, but I think I knew deep down I would forgive him. I haven't felt anger in weeks, since the night we fought, really. Why lead him on to believe he must feel sorry if there's nothing in me to feel sorry for. Sae pops her head in the doorway, looks at both of us briefly.

"I'm going to go get ingredients for lunch. Gale will…" She swallows. I know she's thinking he'll watch me, but she knows better than to say it. "Stay here with you." I nod, and then look at Gale. He still refuses to look up from my feet.

After I hear the front door close after Sae, I clear my throat. Gale's gaze snaps up to my face. I look into his eyes, momentarily taken aback with how beautiful they seem. In the time we've been apart, I've managed to forget his eyes. Gray like ash, somehow prettier than mine even though we both have the same seam eyes. They're sad. Again, something stirs in me, pressuring me to leave the room and shower. I probably look disgusting. Is this how I want Gale to see me?

"I'm sorry, Katniss. I really am." He murmurs, this time looking into my eyes. I shrug.

"It's okay, Gale, really. I'm not mad." I say, and I'm aware again of how hoarse my voice is. I want to look away from Gale, return my gaze to the fire, but Gale will not stop staring at me. "Why'd you come back? You have no obligations here."

"Because I still care about you. I know it doesn't seem that way because...I left suddenly and all, but I do." I nod. I'm trying to understand. "I thought it would be better if I left. I just thought I'd made you a lot worse than you were...I thought I was causing you distress." I nod. I was a mess that day. "I'm so sorry, Katniss."

"Stop saying that Gale. It's okay." I try to be reassuring. Gale's knuckles turn pale from how tightly he's clenching his fists. His lips are pressed into a tight line, and I can see that fire in his eyes I know too well. He'd look like this when he talked about the capitol before the rebellion.

"It's not okay, Katniss. Look at you. You're worse off than when I came the first time." He takes a deep breath like he's trying not to scream.

"That bad, huh?" I try to laugh, but it sounds like a croak. He doesn't even smile.

"Do you think you could get up? For me, could you get up out of that chair?" He's almost begging, but can only look at him. I truthfully don't know I can leave this chair. I could get up to use the bathroom, but for what else would my body allow me to move? He's looking at me with a pleading look that I hate.

"Okay." I say, clearing my throat again as the word scratches out. I place my palms on the arms of the chair, gripping them, suddenly aware of how weak I feel. Somehow I manage to get up, quicker than I thought possible. Some part of me doubted I'd be able to lift myself up at all. I shuffled out of the room, avoiding Gale's eyes, and went straight to the bathroom. I look in the mirror before averting my gaze in disgust. My hair is a rat's nest of tangles and knots. Though it is longer, it is still uneven. My scalp is nearly bald in one spot, probably because I haven't been eating. I start the shower, let the steam fill the room before I remove my clothes. It isn't until I'm naked that I realize I'm shivering from the cold. I step into the reprise of the hot water.

Dirt and grease wash out with water and swirl down the drain. I let myself sit in the shower for a while. My thoughts drift to staying in here forever. Just waste away under the warm water, let my remnants be carried down the drain. It'd be much more comfortable than that chair. As soon as I think this, the water gets a tinge cooler. I hurry to finish and step out to an assault of freezing air. Before grabbing a towel, I study myself in the mirror. My arms and legs are spindly. My thighs don't touch in the middle, my bicep isn't much thicker than my wrist. My hip bones poke through my abdomen, my breasts are nonexistent. My ribcage threatens to burst through, it stretches my skin dangerously thin with each inhale I take. My collar bone is a jagged knife threatening to break through also, although it isn't as bad as the sight of the rest of me. When I can't bear to look at myself anymore, I wrap up in a towel. I find some clothes that look like they might fit and throw them on. They're still a couple sizes too big. I try to make my hair untangle, but some knots won't budge. I may have to cut them out.

I make my way back to the kitchen. Gale seems a bit happier to see me like this. A shower can do wonders, I guess.

"That's better. What do you want to do until Sae gets here?" He is smiling a little, and I shrug.

"How long are you staying?"

"A couple days. Then I have to go back to work." He talks like this is just a normal long weekend away from home. Like he isn't here to see his Old Damaged Friend, Katniss. I nod. Silence eats a few seconds between us. "Do you want to go hunting after lunch?" I hesitate before nodding.

"Sure." I say, my voice finally starting to sound like my own. He nods, and then more silence takes up the space. We both avoid each other's gaze. The sound of Sae opening the door draws me out of the silence, setting into motion the events that will wake my mind up from whatever bound me to the chair. It's like her opening the door set all of my forgotten energy loose inside of me. I grab dishes, I put Sae's pot onto the oven, I start to set the table. Gale helps silently, and soon we had steaming bowls of soup in front of us. Sae and her granddaughter don't stay, and instead we're left with each other.

The next days are a whirlwind. We spend most of the day in the woods, interspersing it with meals with Sae. Gale and I don't talk much, but I appreciate his company. I don't suffer anymore breakdowns in the woods. Instead I observe everything with a calmly. I observe Gale setting up traps for the woodland animals. I observe the woodland animals scurrying around their home. I can't bring myself to hunt yet.

Sometimes, I'll get little stirrings of old feelings that I hadn't felt since district 13. But they don't linger long.

I even sleep in my bed, with some help from Gale. Whenever I scream into the night Gale comes into the room and rubs my back until I stop crying. The first night it happens at least 3 times. The second night, after the second nightmare, he just stays in the bedroom. He brings his blankets and makes a bed on the floor. I tell him he can sleep on the bed with me, but he just shakes his head.

After spending our third day in the woods, Gale and I head to bed. I change and then call for Gale to come in. He's in pajama pants and isn't wearing a shirt. My gaze lingers a little on him, but I flop onto the bed before I can get any ideas. The day's activities run through my mind. Watching Gale with my bow and arrow, him catching his first deer since District 13. Sae celebrated by roasting the thing and making mashed potatoes. I smiled genuinely for the first time in months when it's taste touched my tongue.

Gale lay still on the floor, but I'm unsure if he is actually asleep. Part of me doubts it. Still, I can hardly keep my own eyes open and finding myself slipping easily into a sound sleep I haven't experienced in months.

Then I have the prim dream again. I awaken myself and Gale with a scream. Gale is next to me in seconds, rubbing my back and shushing me as I choke out sobs. My breathing eventually evens, and the last of the tears have dried onto my cheeks, but Gale doesn't leave me. I turn to look at him, and he's squinting at my bedpost.

"What's wrong?" I ask, and he shakes his head.

"You have nightmares every night and I can somehow sleep soundly. It doesn't seem fair." He murmurs and I turn away from him. He rubs my back a little while longer before breaking the silence.

"What do you dream about?" He asks, and I tense. He withdraws his hand. "You don't have to answer if-"

"Prim." I cut him off. He deserves to know. "The day Prim dies. Except I can't-" My throat suddenly threatens to close in on itself. I push through. "I can't help her. I can't move, or scream" A tear rolls down my cheek, and I hope he doesn't notice. "I'm not over her death, but," I swallow hard, willing myself not to start sobbing again. "I want you know I forgive you." Gale exhales, almost laughing. His hand returns to rubbing my back.

"What's changed?" He asks, and I shake my head.

"I don't know. Something in me. When Sae came back on the first day you were here something just...changed." I'm not sure how to explain it. It sounds stupid when put into words like this, but I know it's true. Each passing day, I start to get some feelings back. Sadness. Anger. Even a smile. I get short bouts of energy and do things unprompted. "The past hasn't changed, but, I forgive you. I do." I say the words with surprising conviction, because I'm not even sure I believe them myself. Gale continues to rub my back for a while.

"I'm happy you've forgiven me, Katniss." Gale withdraws his hand. "But I'm unsure if I can forgive myself." Even though I'm not looking at him, I can imagine the hurt on his face. I can hear it plainly in his voice. Of course he doesn't forgive himself. I nod, hoping he'll see.

"I'll be here for you when you do." I say as I turn back to look at him, and he's smiling through glistening eyes. My heart begins to ache just by looking at him, but before I can say anything he pats my shoulder and heads back to his bed on the ground. I lay back down, and it takes me at least an hour to fall asleep. Every time I find myself nearly drifting off, my thoughts snap to Gale. I'm unsure what to make of his presence.

The last time he was here, he claimed he needed me. He wanted to be friends with me, close friends, maybe even lovers. Now that he was here again, he was keeping his distance. I hadn't really occurred to me until yesterday, and even then it didn't seem to bother me. Now the thought won't leave my mind.

I don't have any dreams.

I wake shortly before sunrise. I look over to see if Gale is still sleeping, and am instead met with a neatly folded blanket and pillow. Atop them sits a note, with 3 words written on it, scrawled in Gale's near illegible writing.

"I'll call you."

A hot streak of anger rips through me, the type that makes your heart race and your face turn red as an autumn sunset. I thought that'd we'd gotten somewhere last night. After spending the majority of the weekend in comfortable silence, we'd finally talked to each other on a deeper level that we'd been avoiding. I thought he'd stay until the morning. I thought that maybe we'd make plans for another weekend. Instead, he'd left without even saying good-bye.

A/N: Jesus Christ it's been about a year since I've updated. I started this story when I was 16 and I'm now 18 and in college. My writing style has changed a bit. The first half of this chapter was written last year, and the second half this week. I considered abandoning this story all together but I think it deserves an ending (in fact I have added a few more chapters into my plan that weren't part of the original). I'm so sorry to all of you who have been waiting. Sometimes I have tons of inspiration to write, and sometimes I don't. I'm going to try to continue this story. For you guys, and for me.