A/N: Sexy tiems warning. Thanks for all your love and support of these little fics.
You go your route, I'll go yours too.
…
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I...will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye
(Giving Up on You – A Great Big World)
"I was offered a captain position with Chicago PD"
It's been exactly 3 years and 16 days since they've been partners, exactly 9 months, 3 days and a handful of hours since he admitted he couldn't go on much longer, drowning, with the stolen gasps of air that kicking to the surface brought.
He needed her. The truth was a painful one to admit, needing someone…admitting you aren't strong enough to do it on your own…the slow realization that the person he had made vows to wasn't the same person who could offer him any salvation.
The words take his breath away and his mouth flails, trying to find something coherent to say but he just licks his lips, looks to the side, afraid that his eyes will give him away, "Yeah? That's great, congratulations" he whispers, too afraid to look at her.
OoO
He says congratulations.
She nods.
Perfunctory, like they haven't perfected this careful way of dancing around each other.
"I didn't say I was going to take it" she teases and he shoots a look back to her, his blue eyes clouded with something and he relaxes his shoulders.
"It's a great opportunity" he tells her, rubbing his hand over his chin.
Sometimes she hates herself for how much she needs this man because she had carefully perfected an armor that kept anyone from ever permeating her deep enough to hurt her. "With your partner, you let your guard down." That's what she likes to tell herself. That she was fine when he left, like she hadn't bled herself dry in cases and bottles of wine that tasted like bitterness.
And god help her, cause she needs him, and he's just willing to let her go…again.
OoO
"So you gonna take it?"
His lips quiver as he says it and he hopes that she doesn't notice the way it comes out as a strangled sob. Rubbing his sweaty hands on his jeans, he holds his breath and waits for her to turn around and answer him.
When she does, her shoulders are sagged softly, "Dunno yet…I mean, like you said, it's a great opportunity…and what is keeping me here?"
"ME DAMNIT" he aches to scream but he's already taken so much from her, is it really fair to be this selfish again. Especially because right now his whole life is like a hundred car pileup on BQE and he has nothing to offer her…yet…yet, he always thought they'd have enough time.
He just needs a little more time.
Instead he nods, "You know I support whatever decision you make" he tells her and tries to smile. She deserves this, and if it's what makes her happy, then she should have it.
OoO
There is a part of her that aches to slap a wide palm across his face, and a part of her that wants to scream and ask him if it's just that easy for him, to let her go, again. She blames herself, for getting to emotionally involved when he came back, to finding the groove way too easily; for thinking that there was a chance of something more.
That the feelings weren't more than one sided. It was a silly fantasy, and she realizes now that she has to finally let it go. He's her best friend, her partner, and that's all he'll ever be.
"I think I'm going to take it"
Because the only way she's going to be able to finally purge her from her blood stream is to put some distance between them, no more blurred lines, or schoolgirl daydreams about something that is never going to happen.
She's throwing in the towel.
OoO
"That's great"
It's 3 am, and he's kicking himself for not saying more, for letting her walk away without a fight. He picks up the phone and hits her contact info twelve times, never actually hitting send because, he doesn't know what to say if she did pick up.
At 6:30 am, it doesn't stop him from racing across the city, like a madman, needing to say something because he realizes if he doesn't do it now…he'll regret it for the rest of his life.
Three knocks and she opens the door, her hair still damp, her sensible work outfit, "Are you okay, are the kids okay?" she asks worried, shuffling him in.
His mouth is parched, and he can't look at her, pacing a few steps and then finally turning to catch her gaze. Her hands come to his arms, "El, you're scaring me, what's wrong?"
Biting her lip, he lets out a bitter chuckle, "It's you" he whispers and her brows furrow and before she can open her mouth he's spilling the only truth he knows, "I don't want you to go to Chicago, I know I'm a selfish prick because of it, and I can't even give you all that I want to right now because, the divorce, and I shouldn't even be here but" he stops to slide his hands into her arms, "I don't want you to go" he finishes, the last couple syllables a harsh whisper.
OoO
The tears don't register until one slides down her cheek and lands on their tangled fingers. She waffles between hysterical laughter and gut wrenching sobs because she has her resignation letter on the desk and she was going to call today and accept the job. Until he showed up on her porch, spilling his soul, and she fights back the anger that squeezes her chest because, she had told herself that it was over, and that was okay…that she was finally ready to move on.
She's lied to herself about him before but right now, the moment is like a truth serum, "What are you?" she asks, gripping his hands tighter, wondering if this is just some crazy sleep induced wishful thinking.
"I want you" he whispers, leaning in, close enough that she can smell his mouthwash, "I don't just mean right now. I know I have a lot of shit to figure out" he tells her, and she can feel his own tear join hers on their hands, "But don't leave me" he mumbles softly, hovering her mouth, "Please don't leave me"
He whispers it like a five year old boy, and she can't help the way her chest breaks, the flowers that have bloomed ripping apart at her rib cage and she kisses him, presses her mouth against his clumsily, their lips tangling, their tongues sliding together, hands still clasped like 13 year olds, kissing until there is no oxygen left in their lungs.
His forehead rests against hers and she pulls her hands away, fingers coming to the bottom of his shirt, pushing upwards to feel his hard torso. Time has faded the ridges of his muscles but he's still solid, warm skin, and she aches to touch every inch of him.
OoO
"Liv" he begs because he knows that once they start, he's not going to be able to stop but her hands slide to his chest and his arms wrap around her, pulling her flush to him, their lips finding each other again, his hands coming to her hair, tangling in her strands, tethering them together.
They pull at each other's clothes, fumbling over furniture, him tripping over his pants as he pulls them off, eliciting a chuckle from her, and he realizes this is it. This is what he's waited his entire life for. She pushes him down, straddles him, kissing over his jaw, down his neck, finding the scar from a wound where she thought she lost him.
The moment her mouth comes around him, he sees stars, his head thrown back, the sensation overwhelming after so long…because it's her. Everything is heightened, peaking before he's even ready, and they discover each other like maps to new universes.
He pulls her off before, and she looks at him, wide eyed, bruised mouth and he kisses her again, with more tenderness because he can't say the words yet but he needs her to understand, that this is forever, there's no going back. Doing so would be the emotional equivalent of a jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.
OoO
He's staring down at her, his eyes shining, deep cobalt, "You're so fucking beautiful"
She murmurs a no, the depth of his words cutting into her core, and for the first time in as long as she can remember…she feels like the words mean something, and then he's slipping in slowly to her, deep, filling her.
Their hands are joined together, pinned on the arm of the sofa as he rocks gently in her, neither in any hurry, hungry for every last bit, and when he begins to thrust harder, her hips move upwards to meet him, their bodies moving rhythmically, slick and pressed.
His hand slides down between them, to rub her as he strokes in, making her gasp softly with each plunge, and then she feels it, her thighs tightening, the spasm starting in her gut, and then releases as she clenches around him.
This makes him groan, bury his face in her neck, soft suckling kisses as she rides it out, and then he rocks in slow circles, her body still quaking and cries out softly as he cums, shaking and trembling against her.
OoO
Maybe right now they can't speak any promises…but somehow they both know, the vows were written long before, in blood and tears.