A/N: Warning – mature situations. Thank you for reading and supporting.
'Cause I've done some things that I can't speak
And I've tried to wash you away but you just won't leave
So won't you take a breath and dive in deep
'Cause I came here so you'd come for me
I'm begging you to keep on haunting
I'm begging you to keep on haunting me
I'm begging you to keep on haunting
I know you're gonna keep on haunting me
(Haunting – Halsey)
"It's too late"
She shakes her head at him, espresso eyes filling with pools of moisture, "There's too much" she stammers out.
His hands reach out slowly to try and touch her, "Liv" he whispers, ragged, his throat sore, eyes burning from the tears that threaten to fall.
Their skin touches and she recoils, face twisted in agony, and it guts him even worse than his own words. They are strangers now, him standing in the foyer of an apartment he hasn't paced the floor in, harsh whisper ricocheting off walls that carry pictures of people he's never met. There is a detachment that is akin to gnawing off one's limb to try and breathe again.
Her feet shuffle two steps backwards, "You can't just…you can't" she tells him, arms crossed the way she does when she's trying to protect herself, that suit of armor that detective Benson dons when she's afraid of something worse than a bullet to her gut…her own heart.
"Just listen" he begs, eyes wide and feral, his heart rattling the cage of his chest like a trapped animal, "I can't leave Liv…not until you hear what I gotta say" he says, every syllable slightly louder, cracking at the end.
He watches as she goes to stone, face stoic and solid, and he realizes the transformation is complete now. It reminds him of so many times before when she started to let herself feel too much on a case, and to avoid, she'd clam up, detach herself enough to make it through. While his coping mechanism was the rage that made blood go hot in his veins, hers was the cool ice she let close off the ventricles to her heart.
"Quiet down, my son is sleeping" she spits at him like acid, her voice no longer quaking, but her bottom lip trembling as the emotion betrays her.
It wasn't meant as a weapon but the wound it cuts is just the same. There is a duality of his feelings because, his heart swells imagining her as the mother he knew she was meant to be, all those maternal feelings she tried to bury in her, finally allowed to spill forth. But he's angry…angry at the universe, angry at himself because, he should have been his. It's irrational, they weren't any closer to being anything but partners, friends, lifelines, when the aftermath of Jenna threatened to swallow him whole…but there is always the voice in the back of his head whispering, it should have been you…you should've found away.
OoO
If she thought him leaving broke her, his coming back was completely shattering. Everything hurt, like she was hit by a mac truck that broke every bone in her body…but she was still living, breathing, her heart struggling to beat with the weight of the world on her chest.
There is a secret piece of her wonders if it's the pain of a final break, or it's the coming back together because the parts she darkened when he left are slowly tingling back to life. She hates it because she was so adamant to recite that he meant nothing, her life was better without him, and it was easier to ignore the phantom pain she felt of a life that was once made complete by his presence.
"My son's sleeping"
Arms crossed over her chest, back straight, tone icy because, she can pretend that it was because of him that she hadn't tried harder before, which isn't a total lie…because, it was. Just not in the way she had led others to think. That would mean admitting too much…letting that piece of her that had always imagined it wouldn't be alone, that somehow…someway.
Those dreams were long gone now…a distant memory, a scar that still hurts when you run your fingertips across it.
His eyes staring at her, his Adam's apple bobbing with emotion, both hands rip it open, and suddenly, all those pretty lies are pooled like blood around their feet.
OoO
"I've thought about you, every day" he whispers, swiping the errant tear that falls despite his resolve.
A sound escapes her throat, and her face crumples again, "Don't say that" she hisses between her teeth, "Not now, not now"
They are in the eye of a cat 4 hurricane that has just made landfall and all craves it's destruction. His boots hit the floor harder than he expected, making her jump softly, then his hands are on her face, gripping her cheeks, making her eyes match his, "I never let you go" he says, so close that he can smell the soft mint of her chapstick, "I could never get you out of my fucking veins"
Her lips smash against his making him gasp, her arms wrap around him, nails raking down his scalp as she pushes her tongue between his lips, her thigh in between his legs. His hands tangle in her hair, pulling their torsos flush as they both try to claim ownership with suckling lips, and fingertips digging into flesh.
OoO
There were moments in the past where she had dreamt of him whispering those words, imagined them more times than she cared to admit but now, now all they do is make her ache to crawl of her stinging skin. They are a war, and this battle is one she knows she can never win because everything in her craves to feel him again, even if it's just for a moment, even in her own defeat.
Everything is foggy but his torso is hovering against hers, and in a moment her walls collapse like Jericho and her lips are on his, and her nails are making crescent marks in his skin; the attempt to leave as permanent of a mark on him as he has on her.
It's the growl that escapes into her mouth that releases what's left of her resolve, and her fingers fumble at his belt, his hands pulling the back of her shirt, aching to feel the way her soft suppleness rests against the hard angles of his body.
Their mouths break contact for moments, only what's necessary to untangle themselves from the last few barriers between them. They fall against the edge of the couch and his teeth sink into her neck as her fingers wrap slowly around his length, pulling him closer, dragging him to the apex of her thighs, it's the descent into hell, and absolution at the same time.
OoO
Everything about the moment is surreal because one minute they were fighting and the next, he can feel the heat radiate from her, and all he can think about is that it's finally the moment. He used to wake up sweating, hating himself for the dreams, the daydreams were hardest to shake, where he would stare too long at the curve of her ass and fight the way his pants tightened under his desk.
He stops her before it goes any further, thumbs resting on her cheeks, their gazes matched and then she spreads her legs and pulls him into her, slowly, rubbing him against her so he can feel her wetness, until she's leading him in, tight heat wrapping around him like they were two puzzle pieces, one missing for far too long.
OoO
It's almost painful, the way he fills her, stretching her, bottoming out, fully connected. His eyes darken but he never breaks the gaze, "Look at me" he orders and she wraps her legs around his waist, heels digging into his ass.
"Fuck me"
The way his jaw twitches makes her nails digging crescent moons into his arms and he licks his lips, pulls slowly out, almost all the way and then slams back in. He does this and she's panting for more, "Harder" she begs, faster, because she wants to remember the way he marked her in the morning, to feel the colors that he stains her with now.
His arms wrap around her, holding her up as he starts to pump, ass clenched, slamming into her but never taking his eyes off her, "Don't stop looking at me" he demands, "Don't you dare"
OoO
He sees stars behind his eyelids but he wants to watch every strand of her iris darken as he fills her, the sound of skin slapping, soft moans, quiet fucking, like they're trying to say all the unnecessary words with the pounding of their hearts against each other.
The way she tightens around him, he knows she's close and he moves one hand to her face, gripping her chin, keeping her still, aching to watch the pleasure watch over her face. When it happens, her eyes roll back, and he succumbs to the fall.
OoO
He cries out softly, holding her to him as he shakes, explodes and she can feel her whole body twitch with aftershocks. After, he pulls her to him, still soft inside of her, her head tucked under his chin, "Please, please don't regret us" he whispers, his entire body trembling.
Salty tears slip from her eyelids, wetting his skin as she shakes her head…maybe she should but maybe going to hell is worth the moments of feeling whole again.