Chapter 9 - The Letters

The first snow came on the second of December. The moment Emma opened the barn doors that morning and saw snow flakes falling, she knew it was time to start preparing for Christmas. She had already decided that she would take Sam with her to cut down a tree to put up in Merle's house. Emma wanted Sam to experience the holiday more than the other two men she lived with. He was still young, but more importantly, he was youthful. Emma knew that having him help her with the tree, making him eggnog, and giving him his first ever Christmas present would surely excite him and get him into the spirit of the holiday. So, after breakfast, Sam and Emma bundled up for their trip into the woods. Emma carried the axe over her shoulder while Sam had a good length of rope wound around his arm and hand.

"What kind of tree are we looking for?" Sam asked as he and Emma started their journey.

"A pine tree." Emma replied. "We want a green pine tree with lots of full branches."

"Are those the sorts of trees Hershel used?"

"Mhmm." Emma nodded.

The snowflakes that were falling were small. The bigger snowstorms wouldn't come for a few weeks. That didn't matter, though. One of the main reasons Merle didn't leave the mountains once winter rolled around was because of the high probability that any noise he made on a journey down would cause an avalanche. Even when the snow flurries were minor, they still blanketed the tops of the mountains. An avalanche could trap Merle on the wrong side of the snow, or it could cover and crush him. It was better to be safe than to be sorry.

"I should have gotten something for Amy." Sam said suddenly, breaking the silence.

"What do you mean?" Emma asked.

"For Christmas, you know." Sam explained, stepping over a fallen tree before he turned to help Emma over, even though she was already climbing over it herself. "I should've gotten her something that day in town."

"Oh, it's all right." Emma reassured Sam. "It meant a lot to Amy that you came for Thanksgiving. That was present enough."

Sam sighed heavily. Emma turned her head to look at him. His eyes were on the ground. His strawberry blonde hair was littered with fallen snowflakes. His mouth was pulled into a frown. The arm that was free from the rope was around his middle. His hand covered his stomach, his fingers splayed out across it. Emma stopped him suddenly.

"Are you ill?" Emma asked worriedly, motioning to his stomach.

Sam looked down at his stomach and then back up at Emma.

"No." Sam mumbled, his hand falling away from his stomach. "I'm fine."

"Sam, what is it?" Emma asked exasperatedly.

"Amy..." Sam sighed.

Emma's eyes softened.

"What about her?" Emma asked gently, laying her hand on Sam's arm.

Sam shrugged his shoulders.

"Let's keep going." Sam suggested, already stepping away. "We've got a tree to find."

Emma decided to let it go until they returned to the farm. She caught up with Sam and they resumed their search in silence. They found several pines along the way, but most of them were either much too large or their needles were already falling off. As they were just about to turn around and head back to the farm, putting their search on hold until the following day, Sam spotted a healthy looking tree about ten feet from where they stood. It was very full and green, nearly bordering on fat. Standing at about five feet, it was a perfect size for Merle's home and easily transportable. Emma used her axe to chop down the tree while Sam unraveled the rope. He used it to wrap around the tree so that he and Emma could drag it home.

Sam and Emma arrived back on the farm just after noon. They pulled the tree up to the barn so that Emma could trim it up.

"Sam, come sit with me a minute." Emma said as they deposited the tree on the barn floor. "The tree's not going anywhere."

"Okay." Sam agreed with a nod.

Emma led Sam up to Merle's house. They sat down on the porch steps together.

"Now, what were you going to say about Amy in the woods?" Emma asked, getting right down to it.

Sam shuffled his feet and twiddled his thumbs. He seemed reluctant to speak.

"Do you feel like you can't tell me?" Emma asked softly.

Sam slowly lifted his gaze from the ground.

"I mean no offense, Emma, but I don't think you'll know what I'm talking about." Sam finally spoke up quietly. "You're so independent. I don't think you've ever..well..."

Emma understood where Sam was going. She turned her head away from him to look out at the path leading from the house to the gate. Snow was still falling slowly. The trees were mostly barren, save a handful of leaves that were still clinging desperately to a few branches.

"I..." Emma looked down at the ground, then back up at the path. "I think...you'd be surprised..."

Emma felt no reluctance to open up to young Sam, especially since she knew it would probably make him feel better, or at least understood. She sighed and looked down at her folded hands, hidden by thick gloves to keep them warm in the winter air.

"The sight of her face, it gives your stomach a sort of fluttery feeling." Emma spoke softly, but loud enough for Sam to hear. "You feel as though your guts are flipping and flopping all over the place, like a fish out of water."

It was startling how easily it was all coming into Emma's mind and flowing out of her mouth. She didn't know where it was coming from, or how she was making it up, but she didn't stop. Sam's ears were perked up and his back had straightened. Emma was reaching him.

"When your eyes meet, especially when she smiles, your breath catches." Emma went on as Sam slowly turned his head to look at her. "The touch of her hand, well, that makes your heart beat so hard in your chest that you feel as though the whole world could hear it."

Sam was now turned completely towards Emma, hanging on her every word.

"It's terrifying because it's new and it's intense, you've never known anything like it before and you aren't sure you can survive through it all." Emma looked at the barn. "At the same time, it's exciting and it's thrilling. You never want it to end, even if it means you never regain your breath again or your heart bursts."

Emma turned her head to look at Sam. She smiled.

"How...how did you know...?" Sam asked slowly, in awe. "That's...exactly how Amy makes me feel. It's incredible, but then...when I'm not with her..."

Sam pressed his hand to his chest.

"My chest aches...aches like I been working all day long." Sam moved his hand to his stomach. "It feels like a big old rock is sitting in the pit of my stomach, dragging it way down."

Emma laid her hand on Sam's back. She rubbed slow circles into it.

"You love her." Emma said simply, as though it was nothing.

Sam and Emma sat quietly, then. Emma continued rubbing Sam's back as he mulled over his feelings and the realization that he loved Amy. Eventually, his posture relaxed beneath Emma's hand. Even his expression softened. When Emma knew he felt better, she gently patted him on the back.

"Let's go trim that tree." Emma stood up with a smile.

Sam returned Emma's smile and nodded in agreement. He got to this feet and followed Emma to the barn to trim their Christmas tree.

Meanwhile, standing in the doorway behind them was Daryl. Neither Emma nor Sam had noticed that he had been in the house finishing lunch when they sat down on the porch. Their voices had drawn him to the door. He had been present for their conversation. He had heard every word between them, paying particularly close attention to all that Emma had said. Daryl felt more confused than ever.

0o0o0

"What're you gonna do with that tree?" Merle asked at the breakfast table the next morning. "You just gonna leave it sit there, or is you gonna do it all up and make it pretty?"

"Why?" Emma asked amusedly as she poured his coffee. "Do you want to help?"

"Nah." Merle shook his head. "I'll leave that to you, even though it's silly."

"I think it's nice." Sam piped up. "I've never had a Christmas tree before."

"See?" Emma poured Sam's coffee as she looked at Merle. "It's good for him."

"How's a tree good for him?" Merle asked. "Sam, was you planning on becoming a decorator or something? You gonna redecorate my house?"

"I wouldn't have that kind of time." Sam retorted quickly with a laugh.

"Why you laughing?" Merle chuckled. "You live here, you know?"

Emma laughed as she took her seat. Even Daryl couldn't help but chuckle softly as he started in on his breakfast. It was a nice morning full of laughter, until the bell at the gate rang out suddenly. The laughter stopped. Merle quirked an eyebrow and Daryl's brow furrowed. Emma looked from face to face.

"Was someone expecting a letter or a parcel?" Emma asked.

"No." Daryl muttered, getting up from the table. "I'll go."

While Daryl went to go fetch a horse to ride to the gate and investigate, the other three continued eating their breakfast. Sam was hopeful it was word from Amy. Merle thought it might be a solicitor, and a dumb one for going up into the mountains in the winter. Emma wasn't sure what it was, but she suddenly had a sinking feeling in her stomach.

Daryl finally returned with a single envelope.

"Well?" Merle asked, turning in his chair.

Daryl circled the table towards Emma. He held the envelope out to her.

"It's for you." Daryl mumbled.

Emma took the envelope from his hand. She had a bad feeling as she slowly tore it open to reveal the letter inside.

Emma,

I wish I was writing to you under better circumstances. Mrs. Grimes gave birth to a daughter just three days ago. There were complications during labor. Though the baby was born perfectly healthy, Mrs. Grimes was very weak from birthing. She passed away that evening.

When Mrs. Grimes' labor became difficult, I was sent for. I was able to speak with her shortly after she gave birth. Though she was barely conscious, she was able to ask that I inform you in the event of her passing, and also to tell you that her offer still stands. She assured me that you would understand. I hope that you do.

Rick has not taken his wife's death very well. To give him time to grieve, Amy and I have taken on his new daughter. Mrs. Grimes asked that she be called Judith. We will care for baby Judith until Rick feels that he is ready to move passed this terrible tragedy.

I know that with winter having arrived, you will probably not be able to return to town for Mrs. Grimes' burial. Everyone will understand. If, however, you are able, she is being buried tomorrow morning on the Grimes' property.

Fondly,

Reverend Horvath

Emma closed her eyes. Somehow, she had known the contents of the letter before even reading it. Even so, it was still difficult to absorb. So many emotions rushed over Emma at once. Though she hadn't been close friends with Lori, she had always been kind to Emma. She had offered Emma a job out of the goodness of her heart, and for whatever reason, she had been very insistent that the job would always be hers. Lori was obviously confident that Emma could do the job well, that she would be a good fit. Emma felt badly at first, but knowing Lori had died still wanting Emma for the job made her feel even worse. Guilt was gnawing at her from the inside. She was suddenly not hungry anymore, in fact, she thought she could vomit.

"Emma?" Sam asked softly, his fingers touching her hand.

"Mrs. Grimes passed away." Emma murmured, slowly opening her eyes.

"Oh, Emma..."

The emotions brought on by the news of Lori's death were still crashing down upon Emma in waves. She remembered what had happened the last time her emotions had gotten the best of her. Emma knew she needed to be alone until she felt like herself again. So, before Sam could embrace her and before she could answer Merle's question regarding the circumstances of Lori's death, Emma dropped the letter on the table and fled the room. She charged out into the snow, not knowing where she would go. As she walked, she decided she would circle the property until she felt better.

"Emma!" Daryl was suddenly calling out to her.

Emma ignored Daryl as she headed up the path that would lead her to the gate. As she walked, she tried to ease the thoughts and feelings swirling in her mind and in her heart. She had taken the job on the Dixon farm because it was all she had. She was happy. Lori's offer hadn't come until after she had accepted Merle's offer and had come to like the farm and the men she lived with. She didn't need to feel guilty for turning Lori's offer down, or for not returning to town now that she was dead. It wasn't Emma's responsibility.

She had been so caught up in her thoughts that she hadn't heard Daryl coming after her. When Daryl came upon her, he wrapped his fingers around her wrist to stop her. Emma turned around to face Daryl, to tell him to leave her alone, but she didn't get the chance. Daryl released Emma and, before she could speak, he had grabbed her face between his large hands and brought his mouth down upon hers. Emma was so surprised by his sudden kiss that when his lips crashed down on hers, she kept her eyes open upon his face at first. Caught up in the moment and her emotions once more, Emma's eyes fluttered closed as she returned Daryl's kiss. His scraggly beard was scratchy and warm against her face. She could feel it leaving red patches on her skin. His lips were feverish against hers, the air passing between their open mouths hot in the cool air. Emma could feel the occasional snowflake falling onto her cheek and melting away when it came into contact with her flushed face.

Then, Daryl was pulling his mouth away from Emma's. She kept her eyes closed for a moment. Her face was still caught between his hands. When she slowly opened her eyes, Daryl was looking back at her. Emma realized that she was clutching his coat in her fists. She opened her fists to lay her hands gently on his chest. Even through his coat, Emma could feel Daryl's heart beating a mile a minute beneath her hands. As she looked into his eyes, Daryl moved one hand from her face to lay over one of her hands upon his chest. With his other hand, the one still against her face, his touch became softer. He slowly ran his thumb over Emma's skin, just below her eye. Emma couldn't find any words. Even if they had, they would have been lost in her breath. Instead, she remained still as Daryl leaned in and pressed a single, firm kiss to her closed lips. As he leaned away from her, he pulled his hand from her face. As his hand left her, his fingers passed through several blonde curls that had gotten loose from her bun. He rubbed Emma's hands once before he dropped that hand, too.

Just as quickly as he had come, he was stepping back to go. Emma felt better this time, though, as one of the corners of Daryl's mouth lifted into a half smile before he turned and headed back towards the house.

0o0o0

That night, Emma couldn't sleep. She tried, but tossed and turned until she finally gave up and lay on her back while she stroked Skipper. At first, she was thinking of the kiss she had shared with Daryl earlier that day. She wondered why he had come after her and kissed her. After they kissed, the day went on as per usual. Everyone worked. Everyone took lunch inside since it was becoming colder outside. Then, that night, they all ate dinner together in Merle's kitchen. Daryl was his usual self. He didn't have much to say. When he did, it wasn't anything elaborate or meaningful. Emma couldn't decide why Daryl had kissed her, but she thought maybe it was because he was trying to comfort her and that was the only way he knew how. She thought back to the night she had kissed him when he brought Barrow home. Maybe, Daryl thought kissing her after news of Lori's death would not only make Emma feel better about the tragedy, but that it would make up for not kissing her back that night in the barn. Then, Emma felt guilty for not thinking of Lori and her family, but instead thinking of Daryl and herself.

Emma covered her face with her hand and wondered what the hell was wrong with her. Ever since the day of the fall gathering, she had become different in so many ways. She thought that after kissing Daryl and making the decision to put it behind her, that she had reverted back to her normal self. It wasn't so. It seemed like Emma was experiencing a flood of emotions she wasn't accustomed to feeling before. Things had been so much simpler when she was on her own, or even with Hershel on his farm. Everything was becoming complicated since coming to be on the farm and allowing so many outsiders to touch her life, but the Dixon farm made her happy. Then, why did Emma feel so at war with herself?

A noise from below brought Emma out of her thoughts. She sat up on her mattress, listening for the sound again. There was movement below. The dirt was being stirred.

"Sam?" Emma hissed in the darkness, getting to her feet.

There was no answer. The movement below stopped. Emma was already on her feet, so she decided to check things out and make sure a critter hadn't wiggled its way into the barn. She climbed down the ladder. When she got to the bottom, she turned to see a figure in the shadows. Even in the darkness, Emma knew it was Daryl. His back was turned to her as though he were just about to leave before Emma descended.

"Daryl?" Emma whispered so as not to disturb the animals.

Daryl didn't move, nor did he answer Emma. She moved one of her feet through the dirt, pushing it back and forth as she waited for a response. After a time, Emma sighed.

"Well, goodnight." Emma murmured, turning to climb back up the ladder.

"Wait." Daryl spoke up suddenly, clearing his throat.

Emma slowly turned around as Daryl came towards her. He met her at the ladder. Emma waited to hear what Daryl had to say as he looked down at her in the darkness. She realized after several moments that she was holding her breath. She exhaled slowly, but her breath came out raggedly. The sound stirred Daryl suddenly. He reached out for Emma, his hands settling on her waist. Emma allowed Daryl to lay her back on the ladder. Her breath caught in her throat as Daryl leaned in towards her. He appeared hesitant, as though he were afraid of rejection. Daryl cautiously brushed his lips against Emma's, gauging her reaction. The moment his lips found hers a second time, Emma returned his kiss automatically. That was enough to spur Daryl into action. He gripped Emma's waist more firmly. His kiss became more intense. Emma laid her hands on Daryl's forearms. She felt the muscles in his arms, tense, as though part of him was still being careful and cautious.

In all of their kissing, Daryl and Emma found themselves on Emma's mattress above in the loft. Skipper quickly realized there wasn't enough room for him. He toddled off to sleep in another pile of hay. Meanwhile, Daryl was hovering over Emma, one knee on either side of her body. His hands were still upon her waist. The warmth of his hands was causing Emma to sweat. Her nightdress clung to her damp skin. All Emma could hear in the shadows was her breaths - short, through her nose - and Daryl's - heavy, through his mouth. Emma realized that Daryl was waiting for her. He needed some sort of sign, a signal from her that all was well and that was he was doing was okay. Emma, tied up in all of those feelings she wasn't used to, used one of her knees to nudge Daryl towards her. He responded to her budging by carefully laying down on top of her. Emma could tell he was worried he was hurting her in some way. He kept looking down at her body under his, kept trying to hold himself up above her. Emma wrapped her arms around Daryl to pull him down to her. Their lips met. Their kissing resumed as though nothing had happened to interrupt it before.

Emma had never been with a man before. All of what was occurring that night was undiscovered territory for her. Judging by Daryl's hesitancy, Emma guessed he had never been with a woman. Had she been in her right mind, she would never be on her back kissing a man she had only known a few months. She wasn't, though. There weren't any thoughts racing through her head. The only thing racing through Emma's body was her blood. It was pumping hard, coursing at high speeds throughout her limbs. Pressed together, Emma's and Daryl's hearts were thudding together like two wild horses galloping through a field.

In all of their kissing, Emma's nightdress had hiked up around her thighs. She could feel Daryl between them, writhing against her bare skin as they kissed. Emma became aware of something else between her legs. As Daryl moved rhythmically with her, something hard was rubbing against Emma's inner thigh. She knew enough to figure out what it was. As it was pressed harder and harder against her skin, a fire began to grow in Emma's stomach. She felt hot all over, but her gut was in flames. The fire kept building and building the more Daryl kissed her and rubbed his body against hers. Then, suddenly, Emma felt an animalistic urge rise to the surface and take hold of her. She managed to move a hand between herself and Daryl to feel the bulge in his pants. When her hand grazed it, Daryl groaned. Before that night, Emma knew nothing of intimacy, but in that moment, she wanted that bulge inside of her.

Daryl seemed to sense Emma's desire. He held himself up with one hand while he fumbled with his belt. Emma brushed his hands away to do it herself. When the belt was off, Emma undid his pants. From there, Emma was able to finally free the unseen bulge. It was hard to see clearly in the shadows, but Emma could feel Daryl's manhood between her hands. Suddenly, Daryl's breathing changed. He was pulling in air sharply. When he expelled the air he had taken in, it came out amidst a groan. Emma didn't know what to do with the unfamiliar appendage in her hands. She ran her hands all along the length of it, studying it with her fingertips in the darkness. It had become harder between her hands. It was warm and soft. Emma could feel a tuft of hair at its base. She kept her fingers clear of it so as not to tug any hairs loose. The tip of it was sticky. Curious, Emma tasted the stickiness on her fingertip. It was warm and bitter, but not unbearably so.

Emma couldn't wait any longer. Anxiety and excitement were all bundled up at her core, ready to explode at any moment. She released Daryl's penis so that she could tug on his open pants. Daryl laid back down on top of Emma. She could feel him fumbling between her legs. Whether he was nervous or he couldn't see, Emma didn't know. After a few moments, she decided to help him. She found his hand between her legs. It was wrapped around his penis. Emma guided his hand towards her womanhood. She didn't know what to expect as Daryl's penis got closer and closer to her. When the head touched her opening, Emma moaned in the shadows. She felt Daryl's penis stiffen. He took over then, pressing his penis hard against Emma's opening. She could feel the head push into her easily, fanning the flames in her stomach. As Daryl tried to push himself further into Emma, her muscles tightened. She felt pain as Daryl's penis slowly inched into her. She tried to hide it, but she knew Daryl could see it. He hadn't taken his eyes from her face since he had first entered her. He was concerned.

Then, the pain faded as Daryl pushed himself all of the way into Emma. She gasped at his full length, arching her back up off the mattress. The worry melted off of Daryl's face. He wrapped both arms around Emma to pull her even closer to his body. It became easier as more time passed for Daryl to drive himself into Emma's core. She had one arm wrapped around his neck. The other was along his back, her hand pressed between his shoulders. Each time Emma made a sound, Daryl picked up his pace. As Daryl thrust himself into Emma faster and faster, she threw her head back and moaned. The fire in her belly was growing hotter with each thrust. Just as Emma thought the flames couldn't get anymore intense, Daryl was suddenly going completely rigid. From within her, Emma felt Daryl's penis jerking and pulsing. She felt warmth spreading from inside. Daryl growled as he released into Emma. He pulled her even closer. Emma could barely breathe within his strong hold.

Emma was sure the world had stopped turning, it was so quiet. There wasn't a noise in the dark. The animals were silent and the wind had died down. Even Emma's and Daryl's breathing barely made a sound. Emma didn't know what to do. She stayed still as Daryl slowly laid her back down on the mattress. She didn't move a muscle as Daryl slowly pulled himself out of her. Then, Daryl was laying down with her once again. He rested his head against her chest, but his arms were no longer around her. There were no words exchanged. Emma could hardly comprehend what had happened. She was at a loss for words. Suddenly, though, the sleep that had evaded her earlier that evening seemed to come easier after she laid with Daryl. In the stillness and the silence, Emma drifted off to sleep beneath Daryl.

0o0o0

Daryl lay listening to Emma's heartbeat slow in the dark. He didn't dare say a word or move an inch. He felt as though it was all a dream, that if he spoke or twitched in the slightest, he would wake in his own bed. As he lay still, save for the way his head rose and fell with Emma's quiet breathing, he tried to remember all that had just taken place. It was almost too surreal to believe. Daryl couldn't even recall how he had found himself standing in the barn. The details of his approach towards Emma and the way he had laid her against the ladder to kiss her were slipping away as quickly as he was trying to remember them. He tried to hold onto the feeling of Emma's warm body beneath his as he showed her a side of himself he had never shown to any woman before. He closed his eyes and tried to capture the look on Emma's face as he thrust into her - lips parted, green eyes open wide - and the tone and pitch of her soft moans.

When Emma's breathing became much deeper, Daryl thought she might be asleep. He risked interrupting the dream by lifting his head to look at her face. Sure enough, her eyes were closed. She didn't move when Daryl picked up his head to study her. He remembered the time he had carried Emma to bed after she had fallen asleep at the table. Somehow, she looked even more vulnerable to him as he laid with her in the shadows. As he laid there watching Emma sleeping soundly under him, he was suddenly struck with the notion that he had no idea as to what he should do. Should he stay with Emma all night? Should he sleep beside her, or should he return to his house? Should he wake Emma and ask her what she wanted? Daryl decided not to wake Emma, but he needed to make a decision as to what to do. He carefully got up off of Emma so that he could do up his pants and think it over.

As Daryl did up his pants, he saw something concerning. He took a knee beside Emma to get a closer look. There was blood on the inside of Emma's thighs. Daryl checked to make sure the blood was drying and that there wasn't anymore flowing. When he was satisfied, he got up to find a towel or a rag to clean Emma up with. He quietly crossed the floor to search through Emma's trunk. When he reached it, he saw two pieces of paper sitting on top of it. Daryl picked up the papers. He searched out a place where a little light was spilling in through the roof. Daryl was able to see that one of the papers was the letter Emma had received that day. He wondered what the second letter contained. Daryl held the second letter under the light. He deduced that it was the reverend's invitation to Thanksgiving and was about to stop reading when he read a line that stole his breath - We heard about Clarke's proposal. Daryl reread the line and continued reading, his lips turning and twisting into a frown.

When Daryl had read the letter twice, he looked over at Emma. He felt conflicted as he watched Emma sleeping peacefully just a few feet away. A part of him wanted to march over to her mattress, shake her awake, and demand to know just why the hell she hadn't mentioned the fact that she was engaged to anyone, especially him. The other part of him felt like becoming sick. His guts were tying themselves into knots as he came to the realization that Emma was spoken for. Daryl wasn't sure which hurt more - the fact that Emma was engaged, or the fact that she had neglected to tell him before they had laid together. Had Daryl known Emma was spoken for, he would have put all of the silly thoughts about them being together out of his stupid head. Daryl felt like a fool.

Daryl returned the letters to the appropriate place. By the time he had set them down and walked over to Emma's sleeping form, he had made the decision as to what to do. Even though he was thumping mad at her and felt betrayed by her, Daryl couldn't leave Emma uncovered in the winter. He picked up the quilt and carefully covered Emma in it so as not to wake her. Then, before she could open her eyes and discover him standing over her, Daryl was climbing down the ladder. Without lantern light to aid him, Daryl guided Jim out of his stall. When he was bridled and saddled, Daryl led him quietly out of the barn.

When Daryl returned home, he began packing up his things. Half a day's ride away, in the north, there was a hunting lodge. Though it had belonged to Earl, he rarely used it. Daryl would often stay there when he was out on very involved hunts. His mother had taken him there when she was teaching him how to hunt. Daryl had decided in the barn that he would go there. He would stay there until the spring. By that time, Emma would surely be gone. She would have gone back to town to marry her precious Clarke. Then, things would go back to normal on the farm. Until then, Daryl would take refuge at the hunting lodge.

It didn't take long for Daryl to pack. He got Jim set up before he went up to Merle's to leave him a note. Merle didn't read so well, so Daryl addressed the note to Sam.

Sam,

Went to lodge. See you in spring.

Daryl

Daryl left the note on the mantel above the fireplace. With that taken care of, Daryl was free to go. He climbed up into his saddle, packs sealed tightly and canteen filled. Daryl had no second thoughts about leaving, or about leaving the way he was. He didn't even glance in the direction of the barn as he rode up the path to the gate.

0o0o0

The first thing Emma felt when she woke the next morning was a sort of pleasant soreness between her thighs. She realized she was smiling softly as she stretched her arms over her head. With a yawn, Emma opened her eyes. The smile faded when Emma saw how bright it was in the barn. She sat up with a start, startling Skipper.

"Shit." Emma muttered, throwing back the quilt.

Emma saw the dry blood on her inner thighs as she pulled off her soiled nightdress. She had already overslept. There wasn't any time to wash up. She would do that later. Emma quickly dressed for the day before she descended the ladder. As she dashed to the barn doors, she tied her hair back in a bow. On her way up to Merle's house, she cast a look at Daryl's house. She wasn't upset that he hadn't stayed the night. In fact, she thought it was better that he hadn't. Had he stayed, Merle and Sam might have found out about it. Emma didn't feel like answering any questions or taking any teasing. She was sure Daryl wasn't in the mood to do that, either.

When Emma entered the house, she stopped when she saw Merle sitting in his chair by the fire and Sam reclined on the sofa. Sam sat up straight when Emma walked in. Emma stood in front of the door as it shut behind her. She wondered if Merle and Sam had found out about her and Daryl anyways. Otherwise, why wouldn't they be out working?

"I'm sorry that I overslept." Emma swallowed. "It won't happen again."

Sam looked down at the floor. Merle didn't say a word.

"Why aren't ya'll out working?" Emma asked, taking a step forward, confused by their behavior.

Sam suddenly lifted a piece of paper from his lap that had gone unseen by Emma until that moment. Her heart sank. Was there more bad news? Had baby Judith passed away? Were Rick and Carl doing poorly enough that the reverend was writing again to Emma? Did it have something to do with Amy?

"It's Daryl." Sam finally spoke, looking up from the floor.

Emma quirked an eyebrow.

"Daryl?" Emma asked, feeling as though her suspicions about Sam and Merle knowing he had come to her in the barn the night before.

"He's...gone..." Sam replied slowly.

"Gone?" Emma took another step forward. "What do you mean gone?"

Sam held out the piece of paper for Emma to take. She crossed the room and snatched the paper from his hand. There were two short lines scrawled on the page.

"Lodge?" Emma reread the lines again. "What lodge?"

Merle cleared his throat.

"We got a cabin north of here." Merle explained.

Emma looked down at the note as though it would suddenly make sense to her. Even though there was no explanation as to why Daryl had gone and wouldn't return until spring, Emma had a hard time believing it had nothing to do with her or the intimacy they had shared in the loft. It couldn't be a coincidence. Daryl had to have gone because of Emma, because of what they had done upon her little mattress. What Emma didn't know was why. Why had what they done caused Daryl to flee? Did he regret laying with Emma? Had it been unsatisfactory? Was it because that one night, giving up his virginity and taking Emma's, was all he had been after?

Emma balled up the note in her hand. She tossed it away from her. Sam hung his head, his eyes back upon the floor. Merle had sunk back into silence.

"Well, we don't need him." Emma announced, tucking a curl behind her ear. "There's no excuse for you to be sitting here sulking when there's work to be done."

"But Emma-"

"No buts, Sam." Emma interrupted Sam harshly. "I'm going back out to get started. The animals are probably restless without their breakfast."

"I'm restless without mine." Merle piped up, his lips pulling into a smile.

"I'll serve lunch early." Emma replied, turning to leave.

As Emma reached for the doorknob, Merle's voice stopped her.

"I'm sorry, girl." Merle said solemnly, the amusement suddenly gone from his voice.

Emma's hand was frozen on the doorknob. She closed her eyes and sighed. The part of Emma that was wondering about Daryl wanted to allow herself to be comforted by Merle's words. The other part of her, the part that wanted to beat the living tar out of Daryl for what he had done, wouldn't allow it. So, Emma opened the door and left without saying a word.

0o0o0

Neither Merle nor Sam had brought Daryl up at lunch or at supper. They made small talk at the table, but Emma was unresponsive. After cleaning up dinner, Emma filled up a basin with water and waited in the kitchen while it boiled. She still hadn't gotten a chance to wash herself, even though all day she had been aching to. Knowing that her blood and Daryl's seed, a product of what they had done the previous night, stained her skin had gnawed at her from the inside all day long. Emma couldn't wait to wash herself as she carried the tub of hot water to the barn. Once inside, she set the basin down on the main floor and stripped. When she was naked, Emma stepped into the hot water and sank down into it.

Emma looked up at the loft. Had it only been one night since she and Daryl had laid together just above her head? It felt like so long ago. Emma could hardly remember how it had all felt, or how she had woken happily that very morning. It was all like a dream to her, or rather, a nightmare. As Emma watched the water slowly become dinghy with her blood, she began to comprehend the choices she had made the evening before. Since she came of age, Emma had put the thought of being with a man out of her mind. She had scoffed at the idea of Clarke wanting to court her, then denied his marriage proposal as though he were carrying a deadly disease. Yet, in the short amount of time she had known Daryl, she had allowed herself to become swept up in the few moments he was kind to her in between the times he either ignored her or was annoyed with her. For twenty-five years, she had been a virgin. Then, suddenly, on a foreign impulse, she had just given it away like it was some little, replaceable trinket.

As she looked down into the water, Emma questioned who she was and what sort of woman she had become. She didn't know the person she had been the night before, or the person she had been the night she kissed Daryl in the barn. That person was a stranger to Emma. She knew herself. She was practical, self-sufficient, blunt, strong in both body and mind. The person she had become was weak, silly, and impulsive. Emma couldn't condone those qualities. They were against everything she stood for, everything she wanted out of life. If she ever wanted a place of her own, a place that belonged solely to her, she couldn't become that stranger. She wouldn't.

When she was clean, Emma got out of the basin and toweled herself off. She was pulling her clean nightdress over her head when she stopped. She pressed her nose to the light fabric, inhaling the scent imprinted upon it. It smelled like him, even after she had washed it and hung it out to dry. Emma let the nightdress fall to her feet. Naked, Emma carried the basin to the barn doors and out into the winter night. Snow was falling in the evening air as Emma emptied the basin and set it down outside of the barn. Even though it was cold and her skin was covered in goosebumps, Emma remained standing outside in the snow. She looked up at the night sky. The stars were twinkling overhead, providing the only source of light since the moon was hidden behind a shroud of mist. The starlight bounced off of the snow, giving it an almost unearthly glow. Emma stretched her hands out to catch snowflakes as they fell. As she stood alone in the winter night, Emma felt as though she were the only person alive in the world. If that was the case, she could get along just fine. She had survived through all that had happened in her twenty-five years of life. She didn't need anyone, no matter what Hershel had written in his final letter to her. She could always rely on herself.

Emma began to shiver. Before she caught cold, she returned to the barn.

"Blue Christmas" - Johnny Cash [Sam and Emma search for a Christmas tree]

"Avalanche" - Ryan Adams [Daryl and Emma kiss]

"Desire" - Ryan Adams [Daryl and Emma have sex]

"You're Just A Country Boy" - Alison Krauss [Daryl finds the letter, leaves the farm]

"That Wasn't Me" - Brandi Carlile [Emma bathes, stands outside nude]