Chapter 20 - Fear and Regret
Emma drove the carriage first at a high speed, adrenaline coursing through her veins after having saved Daryl from a biter, but the reverend's soothing hands slowed her pace. She and the reverend scanned for biters diligently, but they were too distracted by the men out in front of the reverend's house to care about the carriage sneaking off into the night. The women and children in the carriage were quiet. There wasn't a man among them, save the reverend. All of the men were protecting their own and their town by fighting the hungry undead. Emma hoped that what she had seen was not how the fight remained. To her, it looked as though the biters were winning. Daryl was strong. If he could be taken down by a biter, surely the others didn't stand a chance. As the carriage approached the gate, Emma knew she had to help them somehow. She wouldn't return to the battle. She couldn't bring herself to, not after the way Daryl had told her to run. Even though she was her own person, Emma felt like she would have been breaking a promise. If she wouldn't break Rick's, she wouldn't break Daryl's. So, on the last leg of the journey, Emma started brainstorming. By the time she pulled up to the gate, she had an idea.
"What are you doing?" The reverend asked as Emma hopped down from the bench.
"Opening the gate." Emma replied, unlatching the gate and swinging it open. "Now, stay on this road. There are a few others that branch off, but if you stay on this road-"
"Emma?" The reverend looked down at her in confusion.
"I'm staying behind to help the men." Emma explained as calmly as she could.
"You can't." The reverend objected.
"I can, and I will." Emma told him firmly. "I'm not returning to the fight. I'm only going to ensure that if..."
Emma saw that the women and even some of the children had peeked out to watch the exchange between the reverend and Emma. She stepped closer to where the reverend sat and lowered her voice.
"If there are survivors, I want to make sure they can escape." Emma murmured softly.
"I don't know..." The reverend shook his head.
"I'll only stay a few hours more at most." Emma replied. "Then, I'll return to the farm."
The reverend sighed, but Emma knew that he knew he wouldn't sway her. Finally, he took up the reigns himself.
"Stay on this road." Emma told the reverend as he slowly guided the horses past the gate. "Ring the bell once you make it to the farm. Sam will come and get you."
"May God be with you, Emma." The reverend held one hand out to Emma as she closed the gate behind the carriage and latched it.
"I'll see you soon." Emma suddenly plastered a smile to her face when she saw Carl watching her from the back of the carriage. "All of you."
Emma watched the carriage until she could no longer see it in the darkness. Then, she turned to face town. It was even spookier at night. Emma shivered as she made her way towards the Grimes' property. There, she would corral as many horses as she could to the gate. She would tie them up so that they would be waiting for whoever managed to escape the battle, should it come to that. Emma hoped the men would defeat the biters and send someone with the good news to the Dixon farm. But, as Emma knew all too well, it was good to be prepared for anything.
She was able to make it to the Grimes' property without seeing a single biter. It gave her the courage she needed to find her way through the darkness to the barn. Emma quietly opened the barn doors and gazed into the blackness within the barn. She could smell the animals inside, but she couldn't see them. She listened carefully for any moans or groans. When she heard none, she carefully stepped inside and felt her way around to get a lantern lit. With the glow of the lantern came a terrible sound from the opposite end of the barn. The light didn't reach far enough for Emma to see the culprit, but she knew what it was. She swiftly set her lantern down and pulled her knife. Emma waited for the creature to stagger into the light. She could hear it shuffling through the dirt. After several agonizing moments, the monster stepped into the light. When it saw Emma, it began snarling at her. Emma waited for it to come closer. Once it was within reach, she slashed out at the beast with her knife. The biter wasn't phased. It kept coming at Emma, decaying teeth bared for her to see. Emma slashed out again at the creature, cutting its throat. Thick, brown ooze spilled down the monster's front as it gurgled and bubbled at the mouth. Still, the creature came for Emma. She realized that the only time the biters had been successfully put down was when they had been struck or shot through the head. Emma put her knife away. She raised her rifle high over her head, then brought it down hard upon the biter's skull. With a sickening crack, the monster fell into a pile on the dirt floor and became motionless and silent.
Emma had broken her rifle, but she could still use a piece of it as a bludgeoning tool. With shaking hands, Emma began freeing horses. She took Rick's horse, Carl's horse, and Lori's horse first. She saddled and bridled them all, though it took a little longer than usual due to her quivering hands. Eventually, her hands became still. Emma tied Carl's horse, Lucy, and Lori's horse, Apple, to Rick's horse, Danny. Then, Emma climbed into Danny's saddle and was off. She felt relieved as she rode for the gate, but knew she had to return to the barn for at least a few more horses. When Emma was closer to town, she dismounted and led the horses on foot the rest of the way. Once she was at the gate, Emma took Lucy beyond the gate and tied her to the roadside. Then, she tied Danny and Apple to the townside.
Emma returned to the Grimes' property, but when she did, she was stunned into stillness. The barn was aflame. Emma or one of the horses had knocked over the lantern. There were still animals inside, more importantly, horses that the men needed. Emma charged for the barn, running through the open doorway and into the thick smoke. She began opening stall doors and gates, freeing the animals inside the inferno. Most of them ran out without any persuasion. Some of them needed a slap on the rear or a push to get them out. Emma let the saddles lay, but took as many bridles as she could drape over her shoulders and arms. Once outside of the burning barn, Emma began tracking down horses. Luckily for her, she had closed the gate to the property. All of the animals were still on the farm. She just had to find them. It took her an hour to bridle two more horses. With the fire burning ever brighter and the animals in a frenzy from said fire, Emma knew she couldn't linger any longer. She opened the gate, mounted one of the two horses, and rode towards town without looking back.
Emma didn't know how much time had passed total by the time she had returned to the gate and tied both horses to the townside, but she felt as though she had done all she could to help the men. She had to respect the promises she had made and return to the Dixon farm. Emma cast one last look at the dark town, wondering how the men were fairing in their fight against the undead. She couldn't dwell on those thoughts. If she did, she would surely return to the reverend's home. Instead, Emma climbed over the gate and mounted Lucy, who was restless like the other confused horses. With one kick, Lucy was off, taking Emma up into the mountains and away from danger.
0o0o0
The sky was only getting lighter as Emma rode up to the gate that would lead her onto the Dixon farm. Relief flooded her senses when she saw the familiar gate, bell, and trees that greeted her. Emma debated whether or not to ring the bell. She finally decided to ring the bell, but she wouldn't wait for Sam to fetch her. She didn't want to scare anyone. Once the bell alerted everyone to her presence, Emma opened the gate, led Lucy inside, and made sure the gate closed behind her. Emma rode up to Merle's house. Sam was standing on the front porch, shotgun in hand.
"Emma..." Sam breathed, lowering his shotgun.
Emma had barely dismounted Lucy before Sam was throwing his arms around her.
"It's all right, Sam." Emma reassured Sam when she felt him trembling in her embrace. "I'm here."
Sam mumbled undistinguishable words into Emma's neck.
"What?" Emma asked, peeling Sam off of her.
"Where are Merle and Daryl?" Sam asked, silent tears upon his cheeks.
"They stayed in town to fight, to give the women and children a chance to escape." Emma replied.
"I know that, but..." Sam's forehead creased. "They aren't back yet..."
"Merle and Daryl are strong men." Emma brushed Sam's hair out of his eyes and then ran her hand up and down his arm. "They're going to return. Just give them time."
"How much time?" Sam asked.
"If they aren't back by tomorrow, we'll ride down to town." Emma promised as she tried to swallow the lump that had suddenly formed in her throat.
Sam didn't appear all that satisfied, but he didn't argue or fuss. Instead, he accompanied Emma to the barn while she watered Lucy and put her away to tell her all that had happened. The reverend and the others arrived safely. Sam and Andrea fed everyone, although nobody was all that hungry. Most everyone was sleeping at the house that would have been Sam's and Amy's. Sam had given up his room to Andrea. Carol had tucked Carl, Sophia, and Judith into bed in Merle's room. Everyone was still asleep, except for Sam. He had been out on the front porch since after everyone had gone to bed.
Although Sam tried to persuade Emma to have a bath and sleep, she refused. Instead, she headed over to Merle's to make breakfast for everyone. The work would take everything else off her mind. If she kept moving, she didn't have time to think about what had happened in town and what could be happening in town at that moment. Emma's movement in the kitchen roused Andrea.
"Emma..."
Emma turned to see a teary eyed Andrea in the doorway.
"What is it?" Emma asked, wiping her hands on her apron.
"I..." Andrea slowly walked into the kitchen. "I just wanted...to thank you..."
"For what?" Emma asked, quirking an eyebrow.
Andrea leaned forward on one of the chairs at the table.
"If it wasn't for you-"
"If it wasn't for me nothing." Emma interrupted, returning to her work. "It's the men who are still in town you should be thanking. They're the reason we all got out of town alive, not me."
"But-"
"There is no but." Emma snapped, suddenly slamming a pan down.
Emma closed her eyes and took a deep breath. It came out as a sigh.
"Andrea..." Emma turned to apologize, but Andrea was gone.
When breakfast was finished, Emma laid everything out on the table. She told Sam to let everyone know there was food, then headed away from Merle's house to be alone. Emma wound up at Daryl's house. She went inside and shut the door behind her. The inside of the house looked the same, yet smaller somehow. Emma went to Daryl's bureau. She opened the drawers and ran her fingers over the shirts inside. Then, she pulled one out and pressed her nose to the fabric. It smelled like him - woodsy and musky. Abruptly, Emma shoved the shirt back in the drawer and slammed it shut. She wouldn't think about him. She wouldn't. Emma tore through the house like a tornado, snatching up her things left and right. With her arms full, she left the house just as quickly as she had come.
Emma carried her things to the barn, where she took them up into the loft. It was just how it used to be, back before Daryl and Emma had gotten involved with each other. She laid down in a pile of hay and willed herself to think of nothing as she fell into a deep sleep.
0o0o0
It was the bell that finally woke Emma later that day. She sat up with a start, pieces of hay sticking out of her messy bun. Emma got up and hurried down the ladder, picking the hay out of her hair as she climbed down. By the time Emma got outside, several of the women had come out of whichever house they had been in. They had all heard the bell, too, and were hoping it was their men returning safely. Emma waited by the barn, listening as several pairs of hoofbeats became louder and louder. Then, there were horses riding into view. Emma could hardly believe how many there were. As she counted them one by one, she realized that nearly all of the men were returning. Most of them had survived.
As women saw their men, they began crying out and running to be reunited with their loved ones. Emma searched the riders' faces for Merle, Daryl, and Rick. Her eyes landed first on Rick as Carl leapt into his open arms. They wrapped their arms around each other in a bear hug. Rick kept one hand against the back of Carl's head as he slowly rocked him back and forth in his embrace.
"Emma!"
Emma tore her eyes from Rick and Carl to see Merle coming towards her, grinning.
"I told you I'd see you here." Merle said, wagging a finger back and forth. "You weren't worried about Old Merle were..."
Before Merle could finish, he was suddenly being tackled by Sam, who had run in out of nowhere. Sam caught Merle so off guard that he practically took the older man to the ground. Emma couldn't help but laugh as Merle and Sam erupted in their own laughter. The longer she laughed, the faster relief flowed through her.
Suddenly, Emma heard another horse approaching. She looked up as Daryl tugged on the reigns to bring his horse to a halt. Emma watched as Daryl's eyes scanned the crowd, searching. She wondered who he was looking for as his eyes continued to move over the faces of the men and women in front of Merle's house. Then, Daryl's search came to an end when his eyes fell upon Emma. For a moment, neither of them moved or acknowledged that they had seen each other. Emma suddenly felt as though the rest of the world was melting away as Daryl dismounted. Caught up in a flood of emotions, Emma started running towards Daryl, who was running for her, too. They met each other halfway. Emma threw her arms around Daryl's neck as he wrapped his around her waist and lifted her up off the ground. Emma felt Daryl's hot breath against her neck, could smell the blood and sweat upon his clothes and skin, could feel his body shaking just like hers.
"Emma..." Daryl breathed into Emma's neck.
Slowly, Daryl set Emma back down, but kept his arms around her waist. Emma unwound one arm from around Daryl's neck so that she could set one hand against his face.
"Daryl, I..."
Then, Emma's eyes fluttered open. At first, she was in a state of hazy confusion. It didn't last long. As Emma looked at her surroundings, she realized she had been dreaming. The men returning safely...her reunion with Daryl...it had all been a cruel dream. Emma could have beat her brain to a bloody pulp for playing such an awful trick on her. Even though nobody else knew about the dream but her, she felt foolish and embarrassed. The longer Emma lay thinking about it, the worse she felt. So, Emma undressed and used a washcloth to wipe herself down. When she was relatively cleaner, she put on a fresh set of clothes and descended the ladder.
There were women outside working around the barn. Carol and her daughter were pulling weeds in the garden. Two nameless women were feeding the animals. Andrea sat up on Merle's porch with Judith in her lap. Carl was sitting in one of the chairs watching. Emma decided that she owed Andrea an apology for snapping at her before, so she headed up to Merle's house.
"Hello, Emma." Andrea greeted Emma warmly before Emma could speak. "How did you sleep?"
Emma was taken aback by Andrea's cheerful demeanor. Emma had expected Andrea to be sore with her for the way she had spoken to her earlier.
"Emma, where's my dad?" Carl suddenly asked before Emma could answer Andrea's question.
"You know where your dad is." Emma replied.
"Why did you come back without him?" Carl asked, looking away from his baby sister to scowl at Emma. "Why did you even stay behind if you were just gonna leave him there?"
"Carl," Andrea's tone was firm as she turned her head to look at Carl, "you won't speak to Emma that way after all she did for us."
"I stayed behind to get horses for your dad and the others." Emma explained to Carl.
"Horses?"
"Yes." Emma nodded. "In fact, Lucy is in the barn right now."
"Lucy?" Carl asked, his scowl weakening.
"Why don't you go and see her?" Emma suggested.
At first, Carl didn't move. Emma thought she was going to have to persuade Carl further, but after a few minutes, he got up from his chair. Emma watched him head off to the barn to see his horse.
"Andrea, I owe you an apology-"
"No." Andrea interrupted, shaking her head.
"Yes I do." Emma insisted, taking a step forward. "I shouldn't have snapped at you earlier."
"Well, maybe not, but I seem to recall a time not so long ago when our roles were reversed." Andrea replied, lifting both eyebrows. "I also seem to recall that I was much nastier than you were."
Emma knew what Andrea was referring to. After Amy died, when Emma was finally able to make it to the reverend's house, Andrea had laid into Emma. She accused Emma of not caring about Amy, for being selfish, and for causing her family distress. Emma had let Andrea spew filth at her because she knew that Andrea was reeling over the loss of her sister.
"I'm willing to move past what happened earlier if you can move beyond what I said to you-"
"Of course."
Andrea gave Emma smile, then sighed.
"Well, I'm going to put the baby down for a nap." Andrea announced, getting up off the porch. "When I'm through, should we prepare something to eat?"
"Sure." Emma nodded. "I'll get started."
0o0o0
After a light lunch, Emma offered a place for the women to wash. While Sam and Reverend Horvath looked after the kids, Emma led the women to the stream hidden by willows towards the back of the property. They all stripped down to their undergarments and waded into the cool water. Most of them were silent as they washed and rinsed their hair and bodies. Emma thought about saying something to the women, but she didn't know what to say. She knew they were all distressed after what had happened in town, and that those with loved ones still in town were worried for their safety. Emma didn't know what words she could conjure to brighten their spirits. So, she remained silent, too.
When she was properly washed, Emma sat above the stream, willow branches draped all around her like curtains. Shortly after she was seated, Andrea joined Emma.
"The women are scared." Andrea suddenly spoke as she looked down at the stream. "Luanne, Jackie, and Patricia all have husbands in town."
"Who are they?" Emma asked, her eyes falling on the seven women in the water.
"Trish is the youngest of the three, with the dark hair." Andrea replied, pointing to the young woman running her hands through her black hair. "She was one of Amy's good friends. She's been married to her husband less than six months."
"What's his name?" Emma asked, watching Trish rinse her hair thoroughly.
"Benjamin Caufield."
Andrea pointed out the other two women she had mentioned before. Luanne Davis was the oldest of the three women. She was just over forty, and had been married to her husband, Gabe, for over twenty years. They had two children, a boy and girl. Both of them had fallen ill when the sickness hit, and both of them had died. In fact, it was the boy, Joshua, that had been one of the first to rise. Their daughter, Lillian, had risen a few days later.
Jackie James was the red haired beauty scrubbing her pale skin raw at the furthest end of the stream. She and her husband, Beau, had been inseparable. Andrea told Emma that they courted for only two days before Beau asked Jackie's father for her hand. They were married that same week in a very small ceremony in the reverend's chapel. They began trying for children right away, but after Jackie suffered four miscarriages over the course of their first year of marriage, they put an end to their struggle. Andrea said it only brought Beau and Jackie closer together.
"I know...it must be hard on you, too." Andrea said suddenly.
"What?" Emma asked, confused.
"I just meant that...you must be worried...about Daryl." Andrea explained softly.
Emma shook her head.
"You must be." Andrea pressed on, scrutinizing Emma's expression and body language. "Shane hasn't courted me since last year, and I'm still worried about him."
Emma still didn't respond.
"What's bothering you?" Andrea asked, gently shoving Emma with her elbow.
"It's..." Emma began to speak, but she stopped.
"What?"
Emma and Andrea had never been close. Andrea was obviously grateful that Emma had believed her story, that she had gone with Merle and Daryl to town, and that she had helped get the reverend out of town safely. Even so, Emma still wasn't accustomed to Andrea being kind to her.
"Emma, if anybody can understand what you're going through, it's me." Andrea told her with a sigh. "I lost my husband nearly seven years ago."
"What was his name?" Emma asked. "I don't know anything about him."
Andrea smiled.
"Bradley." Andrea answered Emma in a faraway voice. "His name was Bradley, and he was the funniest man I've ever known. He could always make me laugh, even when I wasn't in the mood to."
Emma had a hard time picturing Andrea in a fit of giggles.
"He had messy, brown hair." Andrea shook her head, still smiling. "Even when he'd comb it, even when I'd comb it, his hair still managed to look disheveled. It was hopeless."
Andrea looked up from the water and out over the woods just ahead.
"The morning of the accident...that took him...I was giving him a hard time for something. It was so...insignificant...that I can't even remember what it was. Bradley just pulled me onto his lap and said he would make it up to me that night. I told him he better, or else he would be sleeping with the pigs. He laughed, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and let me go."
When Andrea looked over at Emma, she had tears in her eyes.
"That was the last time I ever saw him...alive." Andrea murmured, a tear falling down her cheek.
"I'm sorry." Emma said softly.
"Don't be." Andrea replied, wiping away her tears.
Then, the words were spilling out of Emma's mouth before she even knew it.
"The last thing I said to Daryl...was that it was a mistake." Emma confessed to Andrea. "That he was a mistake."
Andrea laid one hand on Emma's back.
"I'm sorry for that." Andrea said as she gently rubbed circles into Emma's back. "You can't change the past, but if...when Daryl comes back, you can make it up to him."
Emma was about to reply, but the bell suddenly rang out in the distance. The women in the stream began screaming as they raced out of the water, half of them trying to pull on their clothes as they ran and the other half leaving their clothes abandoned by the edge of the water. Andrea and Emma both leapt to their feet at the same time, but then stood frozen. Emma wondered if she had drifted to sleep again. She didn't know if she was dreaming or not.
"Shane..." Andrea whispered suddenly.
Then, Andrea was taking off in the direction of the houses. Emma watched her run, still unsure if she was dreaming or not. She reached out and ran her fingers through the willow leaves. They felt real. Her undergarments felt damp against her cool skin. The sunlight felt warm upon her face. Emma decided that she was truly awake. Even so, Emma didn't feel the urge to go running back to greet the survivors. She went down to the stream and collected the clothes the women had left behind. As she slowly added more skirts and blouses to her arms, she realized that she was stalling. Emma was afraid that she would return to the houses, and that Daryl wouldn't be there. She looked down at the clothes in her arms, and remembered the feel and smell of Daryl's shirt in her hands. How could she be terrified of the creatures in town, but still find the courage to face them, but be afraid for Daryl, and not have the courage to find out if he had returned or not?
Emma carried the clothes back to the houses. As she approached, she saw four horses amongst the women, children, and men. Emma saw Trish and, who Emma guessed to be Benjamin, kissing. Trish was in her undergarments, her black hair dripping down her back. Shane and Andrea were embracing. Andrea had her fingers in Shane's curly hair. Dr. Torrence was speaking with the reverend, who was holding baby Judith in his arms.
There was still one horse without a rider. Emma searched for the fourth man. Then, she saw him. Daryl was haphazardly maneuvering his way through the people around him, his eyes wide and wild as he searched faces for the one he was looking for. His lips were moving frantically, although he had to have been speaking softly, because his words were lost in the noise around him. He was almost becoming violent as he pushed his way past everyone, a hunter on a mission. His wild eyes finally found Emma, who was standing back from the madness taking place in front of Merle's house. Their eyes met. Emma remembered her dream. She half expected Daryl to come for her the way he had in her dream. Emma's grip on the clothes in her arms was weakening, surprisingly, so were her knees. Just as Emma was about to drop the clothes and go to Daryl, he suddenly continued his sweep.
"Merle!" Daryl shouted, cupping his hands around his mouth. "Merle!"
Emma felt a stabbing pain in her chest as she realized Daryl hadn't been looking for her. She wanted to be angry, but she couldn't be. After all, it had been her hurtful words that had pushed Daryl away. Besides, Emma was beginning to worry that Merle hadn't returned, too. She knew that was more important than her feelings, or even Daryl's feelings. The focus needed to be on Merle, and Rick, and the others who hadn't returned.
While reunions and heartbreaks took place, Emma slipped away to hang up the clothes in her arms to dry.
"Hard Times" - Gillian Welch [Emma returns to the farm/Emma and Andrea talk by the stream]
"Fire and Rain" - James Taylor [Emma's dream]