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"How we need another soul to cling to, another body to keep us warm. To rest and trust; to give your soul in confidence: I need this, I need someone to pour myself into."
Sylvia Plath
Chapter Four
Clara's whole body was aching as she came to, her vision clearing, as she turned to see Steve sitting on a chair, beside the bed she was laying on, in a bedroom. The last thing she remembered was breaking into a car. How had they ended up in a house? Whose house had they ended up in?
"Steve" she muttered, sitting up, "Where are we?"
"In a friends house, we're safe" he said, moving over to sit beside her, his hand going to her shoulder, to ease her up, "How are you feeling?"
"Physically or emotionally?" She asked, moving to lean against the head board, pulling her knees up to her chest, "Though the answer for both of them is pre-e-e-tty terrible" she said, taking a deep breath, her hands rubbing against her knees
"You can talk to me" said Steve, awkwardly reaching up to pat her hand, "If you want"
In normal circumstances, Clara would've laughed at Steve's awkward attempts at comforting her, but thanked him for the attempt anyway. But, this was far from normal circumstances, and laughter and smiles were something she couldn't manage at the moment. Not with all she had just found out. Not with what she was thinking and feeling.
"I thought, SHIELD. I thought they were the good guys. I thought I was helping people, saving people" she said, unable to look Steve in the eye, so she turned her head, but his gaze did not waiver, "But it was Hydra all along. Hydra killed Fury and Howard, just like they killed" she stopped, swallowing the lump in her throat, Steve bowing his head, he shared her loss with her, all of her losses. Hydra had taken as much from him as they had from her.
"I gave everything to SHIELD. I put all of my trust in them. Did whatever they asked, even if it was morally dubious, because I thought that I was doing it for the greater good. And, to find out that it wasn't"
"You didn't know" he assured her, his head turning, face inching closer, trying to get her to look at him, "None of this is your fault"
"How can you say that?" She asked, her gaze meeting his, an utterly broken look in her eyes, the look of someone who had been shattered, torn about, worn down, lost everything, and didn't know how to come back
"All that time, Hydra was in SHIELD the whole time, and I had no idea. And Howard. He figured it out, and they killed him. Why didn't he tell me? I could've helped. He, he might've lived"
"Telling you would've put you in danger, he was protecting you" said Steve, "No one knew about Hydra. Clara" he said, moving his body closer to hers, "There's nothing you could've done"
"Yes, I could've, if I'd been willing to use my powers I would've known" she said, "I could've seen it, I could've, saved them"
"How?"
"I, uh, I can see, into the mind's of others" she explained, "Though, I doubt Hydra agents would've been willing, and the last time, the only time, I've done it against the person's will, it didn't exactly end well"
"What happened?"
"During, the Vietnam War, I was an operative, and I was ordered to get information from a target. So, I tried, to see into his mind, but he fought against me, and I couldn't control it. I, saw everything he'd done, felt, everything, all of his pain, his anger, his guilt. And even then, I got off lightly compared to him" she explained, looking away, tears welling in her eyes, Steve's hand moving to her arm, trying to comfort her, "He, he went absolutely crazy, and he, uh, he killed, a bunch of people. Civilians. Innocent people. I did that. I caused that. I've caused so many bad things. I've done so many bad things"
"Hey, hey" he said, pulling her closer to him, and she wrapped her arms around his chest, desperate for comfort, "You're not a bad person. You didn't know what would happen. It's not your fault"
Clara wanted to cry, to let out her pain, beat down on his chest and release her rage. But she couldn't. The mission wasn't over, and she'd keep her feelings bottled up until it was, keep pushing her emotions down. Because SHIELD, no, Hydra, would be relentless in their pursuit of them. There was nowhere they would be safe. Not until they'd torn Hydra down.
"We could've died Steve. They tried to kill us" she whispered, against his chest, "We could still get killed. We're being hunted down and they won't stop"
"We'll stop them" he promised her, and she pulled away, to look up at his earnest face, "We'll be okay"
Clara reached up her hand, the skin of his cheek smooth against her fingertips, just reminding her of how young he really was. So young, and yet he'd already been through so much. And, even his encouraging half smile, didn't stop her heart from breaking for him, and all he had lost. Because, in truth, she hadn't seen a proper smile grace his face in over seventy years. And she was devastated, by all that this world had taken from Steve. He deserved so much better.
She didn't know if it was her melancholic reflections, their recent brush with death, the constant threat of it looming over their heads, or a combination of all three, that spurned her into action. But she knew that what she did next was a culmination of all the tension that had been building up between them ever since he woke up. So, in one swift movement, she leant up on her knees, and took his face in her hands, pulling it towards hers, their lips connecting.
The kiss was unsure on Steve's end, fraught with worry, guilt, regret. But she poured all of her emotions into it, her grief and pain, the relief and gratitude she'd felt upon learning of his survival, the rejection caused by his mistrust, and the hope, that things could be better again.
When they broke apart, he whispered her name against her lips, a name that sounded foreign, like a long forgotten dream from childhood, an idea she'd grasped at for many years but could never latch her fingers onto it. And now she could. Because of him, she could be the girl he once knew, she could be good again, not scarred and damaged, with an off centre moral compass, always second guessing herself and her decisions.
"Clara, we can't, we shouldn't" he told her, but neither moved away from the other, "You're"
"Bucky would want us to be happy, Peggy would to, you know that. And if we make each other happy, then they'd be supportive of it" she said, moving her fingers into his hair, stroking it, "I want you to be happy, I know how hard this has all been on you, and I want to help you, I want to support you, I want to be with you. Let me be with you. We can be happy with each other"
Steve looked at her, with his wide innocent blue eyes, he'd already changed since he'd woke up, the changes were small, and she hoped that he was just adjusting. And she hoped, that maybe together, they could each return to the people they used to be.
"Promise me we'll try" she whispered, "Please"
"Okay" he nodded, and she broke out into a grin, pressing a quick kiss to his lips, resting her forehead against his, "Now, are you going to introduce me to the illusive friend?" She asked, "Because I don't think Captain America broke into someone's house. Unless you've suddenly grown accustomed to breaking the law. Does it give you a quick thrill?"
"Come on" he chuckled, getting up from the bed, reaching out a hand to help her up
"Hey, we're already fugitives, we may as well just keep breaking the law" she teased, "I mean, if you want to add breaking and entering to your resume, I'm sure everyone will understand"
"No, my friend's name is Sam, he was a soldier, now he works done at the VA" Steve explained, "We met during a run"
"That's nice" she said, glad that Steve was making friends, outside of work and his past, maybe he was finally ready to move on.
They walked down through the hallway, and into the kitchen, where Natasha was leaning against the counter, the man Clara assumed to be Sam standing on the other side of the table.
"Ah, you finally woke up" said Natasha, "How're you feeling?"
"Okay, or at least as okay as I can be" she replied, sitting down at the table,
Natasha didn't look convinced, but was more suspicious of the change in Clara's demeanor, casting a glance towards a sheepish Steve, who had taken the seat opposite Clara, before speaking.
"So, the question is, who at SHIELD could launch a domestic missile strike" said Natasha, as Clara took a bite of her toast
"Pierce" said Steve
"Who happens to be sitting on top of the most secure building in the world" said Natasha
"But he's not working alone" said Steve, "Zola's algorithm was on the Lemurian Star"
"Along with Jasper Sitwell" said Clara, her skin bristling as she clenched her jaw. Sitwell was Hydra. How hadn't she known? She'd known the man for years and hadn't suspected a thing. She never would've guessed he'd turn around and betray all of them, betray SHIELD and everything it stood for.
"So, the question is, how do the three most wanted people capture a SHIELD officer in broad daylight" said Steve leaning back in his chair, as Sam set down the knife he was using to butter the toast, to grab a file
"The answer is, you don't" said Sam, dropping the file onto the table
"What's this?" Asked Steve, rising from his seat
"Call it a resume"
"Is this Bakmalab? The Khaled Khandil mission, that was you" said Natasha, picking up the picture, "You didn't say he was a para rescue"
"Is this Riley?" Asked Steve, taking the photo from Natasha
Sam nodded, a solemn expression on his face. Clara got up from her chair, looking over at the photo. She didn't know who Riley was, but she figured he was someone important to Sam.
"I heard they couldn't bring in the choppers because of the RPG's" said Natasha, "What did you use? A stealth shoot?"
"No, these" said Sam, handing the file to Steve
Clara looked over at the file, her lips breaking out into an impressed smile when she saw what Sam was referring to.
"I thought you said you were a pilot" said Steve
"I never said pilot" replied Sam, chuckling
"That's one hell of a resume" said Clara, sitting back down and resuming her meal
"I can't ask you to do this" said Steve, "You got out for a good reason"
Clara had the sneaking suspicion that the reason had something to do with Riley, but knew better then to question it.
"Dude, Captain America needs my help" said Sam, "There's no better reason to get back in"
"Where can we get our hands on one of these?" Asked Steve
"The last one is in Fort Meade" said Sam, "Behind there guarded gates and a twelve inch steel wall"
"Shouldn't be a problem" said Steve, as Natasha shrugged
Clara took one last bite of the toast, setting it down on the plate, standing up from the chair. But Steve put his hand on her arm to stop her, her eyebrows pulling into a frown as she looked up at him.
"Let me and Natasha handle this, you're still not okay" he said gently, "You find Sitwell. Have something to eat, get cleaned up"
"Are you saying that I look less then perfect?" She teased, "Because, if you are, I'm not overly pleased with what you're suggesting"
"You always look perfect" he told her, the cheesiness of the statement failing to prevent her face morphing into a bashful grin, mirroring his very expression
Just as he took a step away, she grabbed onto his arm, her eyes widening, as her expression became serious, "Stay safe"
"I will"
Steve's eyes roamed over her face, looking as if he was deciding something. He seemed to reach his decision, when he leaned down to press a kiss to her cheek. Her lips curved back into a smile, a blush growing on his face, as Natasha and Sam grinned at them.
"You ready?" Steve asked Natasha, who nodded at him, "We'll get our stuff and go"
Steve walked past Natasha, who winked at Clara, before following behind him. Clara looked down at the ground, unable to wipe the smile from her face, not that she particularly wanted to.
"So, you and Captain America, huh" said Sam, after Steve and Natasha had left, the pair of them sitting down at the table, "How long has that been going on?"
"It just started" she said, "Literally. It just started in your bedroom, after I woke up" she told him, her eyes widening when she realised what that sounded like, "Not that, I mean, nothing like that happened, in your bedroom, or in your bed, I'm just gonna stop talking now"
"Wow, look what he's got you like after a kiss on the cheek. I've gotta know his secret" Sam teased, "Or is it a Captain America thing?"
"It's a Steve Rogers thing" she said, "Thanks for letting us crash here"
"It's no problem" he shrugged, "It'll make a great story"
"I suppose, if you live to tell it" she said, before frowning, "Sorry, that got really dark really quick" she muttered, "I, usually try to stay on more upbeat topics when making new friends. I guess being on the run kinda puts a damper on budding friendships"
"But not budding relationships?"
"God, you really want to talk about me and Steve" she said, before clapping her hands together, "Alright, fire away, what questions do you have?"
"Did you and Steve, have a thing for each other before the whole ice thing?" He asked, "Or is this completely new?"
"No, my marriage to his best friend kinda prevented any attraction pre-freezing" she said, "And it was also a big blockage post-freezing. Among other things"
"Other things?" He asked, raising his eyebrows, and she took a deep breath
"I'm a spy, I've been a spy for decades. I've gained some...bad habits, that are hard to break" she explained, "Keeping secrets is one of them. Steve had, issues with it, as most people would"
"But you've worked it out?"
"Hopefully" she said, "It's just, nice, to have someone who understands my, predicament"
"Yeah, I guess you do have a lot in common" Sam agreed
"Yeah, we do" she said, "Okay, I've got a person to find"
"How are you gonna do that?"
"I, it's hard to explain" she said, reaching down into her boot, pulling out the map of DC she'd stuffed down there, "I, can track people, through mental links. It doesn't always give an exact location, which is why I have a map"
"Do you always carry a map around with you? Just in case"
"Pretty much, yeah" she admitted, "It'll be easy to track Sitwell, because I've known him for a long time"
"Do you have to know the person you're tracking?"
"Not necessarily, but it certainly helps, the stronger the connection, the easier it is to follow" she said, "In other circumstances, I can track people from the location of an event" she explained, "For example, I tracked Bruce Banner for awhile, by going to the location of an incident, and, essentially, following his rage"
"That's, really cool"
"Thank you" she said, nodding at him, a wistful smile pulling at her lips. Rare, was it, for someone to react positively to her abilities, outside of situations where it benefited them, "I'm going to have a quick shower, I probably stink"
Sam nodded, as she got up from the table, giving him a smile, before walking down the hallway, and back into his room. Before entering his bathroom, she cast a glance towards his bed, and smiled to herself. Hopeful, for the first time in a long time. Things could be good again. Things would be good again. It was a promise she planned on holding, both herself and Steve to. They would be happy.
I would really like to hear your thoughts about her and Steve. Obviously, there will be a certain reveal shortly, but I'd love to hear your opinions on their relationship and it's progression.
Please check out my story, A Series of Occurrences, and vote on the poll about which of Clara's love interests you prefer her with. You can find them both on my profile.