(Tomoko POV)
What the hell just happened?
It feels like I just woke up from a daydream. I've never had a social experience like whatever that was. Wait, what happened to my social anxiety? Could it be, that just by sharing a couple of jokes, I've somehow conquered my greatest weakness?
Ha! This is fantastic! My life as a riajuu begins today! Sorry, Hikigaya. Looks like I'm going to be too cool to hang with you soon.
As soon as I see a crowd of students, my delusionary confidence is dispelled. The anxiety returns immediately. Guess not. I put my head down and skulk towards my final class of the day. I think it's math or whatever. When I started to feel like I wouldn't have a social life, I had resolves to give my everything to studying and pay attention in class. Now, I can't even do that, because my mind is still stuck in the past. Lunchtime, to be exact.
Honestly, it's not like I witnessed anything supernatural. Except it was just as amazing to me. Talking and laughing like we were old buddies is a feeling I've never experienced before.
It's not the same as when I'm with Yuu-chan. I love that girl, I really do. But she's just way too extroverted and social. I have to put up a front and spew layers upon layers of bullshit just to seem like I'm keeping up with her. I don't even know how many lies I've told her. Occasionally she brings up something I said before and I have to pretend it's the truth. It's exhausting.
The same for my little cousin. I'm always putting up a front and acting like someone I'm not, just so that she looks up to me. Though she's getting older now, and I wonder how long I can maintain this charade.
But today, I was myself. Or maybe not, because I don't recall a side of myself who can sit and laugh with a boy I just met. Not in the real world at least.
It's really not fair that those social types get to have this every day. I've experienced this all of one time as of now, and the feeling is so fulfilling. So satisfying. So...
Euphoric.
I am jerked back to reality, though, when my math teacher announces that we will be working in groups today. Shit. Math isn't a social subject, dumbass. You give us numerical problems and we solve them using logic. On our own. Why would you put us in groups? I hate you, sensei.
I'm feeling nervous being so close to people I don't know. Especially when they are so confident and natural. I wonder if they're experiencing the same high I felt earlier today. Does it wear off when you have it all the time? Or am I the only one who's had such satisfaction from such a simple thing?
It's selfish of me, but I hope it's the latter.
We're working on the assignment now, and I'm yet again failing to mingle with the group. After the stiff first impression, they must have decided only to talk to me out of necessity. Normally this would consume me from the inside out, but right now it's just a passing thought. I'm used to it anyway.
Jeez, who was that guy anyway!? Oh wait, I know who he is. Hikigaya. Hikigaya Hachiman. I think that's what he said. From what I gather, he's not exactly the social type either. But still, he has to be more experienced than I am. After all, he was the one that ignited the entire thing. I briefly consider that he was playing me the whole time. Nah, just my stupid anxiety again. I dispel the pessimistic thoughts, and return to thinking about him.
If only he were handsome, it could have been a fated encounter on my first day! That would have been so awesome! Ah, but he looks too miserable so sorry Hikigaya but I won't date you.
Still I wonder, did that encounter have the same effect on him that it did for me? If so, I'm glad.
Class ends, and I am released into the world. My first day, and for the most part, it went exactly as I expected. The events of my lunchbreak now feel like a distant dream, or a memory long since passed. I'm back to my ordinary self. I have a bit of spending money for the week, and for some reason I don't feel like going home just yet. Maybe I'm subconsciously trying not to return to the life I've had up until now. Either way, I head into town to find something to do. How does a teenager in Chiba have fun on her own? It's up to me to find out.
Eventually, I find an arcade. It's filled with sweaty, bespectacled dorks, which I can't help but find cliche. It's pretty sad to think that even among losers like these, I lack the self-confidence to interact with anyone.
I find a fighting game with a versus cabinet. I start playing solo, but I can't help fantasize that some guy will come play with me. We'd mess around and he would put his hands on my button set in a cheap attempt to throw me off my game. I'd feign outrage and push him, but we'd laugh hysterically when I end up winning anyway.
Unfortunately, this never happens. Nobody approaches me. 30 minutes and almost 2000 yen later, I've lost my pep. Ah, I got caught up in my delusions again. It always makes reality more unpleasant. Honestly, it was stupid to think otherwise. The chances of Hik-some guy showing up here, now and approaching me must have been one in a million.
I decide to head home. On the way, I notice a small sushi shack. The type to pack their leftover sushi in plastic containers and shave a couple hundred yen off the total price in an attempt to sell off everything they can by the end of the day. Dinner is served.
I grab a container, and as I contemplate buying a second one, I hear someone enter. I turn to see who it is. Some depressing looking salaryman. Peh. What was I hoping for? I resolve to give up on my stupid fantasies of stuff like fated encounters. Honestly, one casual conversation with a boy and my head is in the clouds all day. He wasn't even handsome. He looks like your little brother, dammit.
I hear someone enter, though I don't bother to look back this time. I decide to get a second discount box after all, because there is only one crispy chicken box left and it would be a shame for anyone other than me to have it. and head up to pay for my food. Then I heard someone grunt in dissatisfaction.
"Agh, there's no crispy chicken left."
I turn around so fast I almost lose my footing. There he is. Hikigaya. Just after I'd given up on finding him too. Is this perhaps the secret to happiness in life? Give up and wait for everything to come to you? I could totally get behind that.
Anxiety. I don't know how to approach him. Earlier today, he was the one to approach me, and I opened up without even realizing it. But of the all the things I don't know about social interactions, I know the harder you try to be casual, the more you fail. The key to being casual is just to not try.
...Wait a minute, if I do nothing, then nothing will happen! Idiot!
But then what am I supposed to do? Say hi? Is it that easy? I know we hit it off before, but it feels inappropriate to just waltz up to him and act like we're friends. Ah, shit. Maybe it was all in my head. I'm sure it was just a normal, boring conversation for him. I shouldn't waste his time, it's not like I even know what to say to him.
He turns towards me, and I snap my head to a random direction and pretend I'm staring at something. Smooth, Tomoko. Very fucking smooth.
(Hachiman POV)
I was really looking forward to some crispy chicken sushi. Seriously, if you don't have the best flavour available, then don't even bother, you third rate sushi shack. There's a better sushi place two blocks away, you know. If you can't even put out your best, don't bother competing.
So then do you have to offer? Teriyaki and grilled salmon. I bet the other sushi place has crispy chicken, but this will do. I'm hungry right now and my survival instincts are disrupting my ability to think logically. Really, Hachiman. I thought you were more sophisticated than this. Internally shrugging, I grab the discounted bundle of sushi and turn towards the counter.
Is that Kuroki? Wow, what are the odds. As I spot her, her hair flutters with inertia, as if she just violently shook her head, and she's pretending to stare at a poster on the wall. Was she doing something before I noticed her, and quickly stopped before I caught her? Suspicious.
I want to say something. Something like, 'Oh. Hi Kuroki. Fancy seeing you here. I've been thinking about you all day, even though we only met briefly before.' That will work fine, I'm sure. No, it won't. I think of something that would be normal for me to say. I come up with nothing, because the normal me wouldn't just greet someone in town because he recognizes them.
"Ah-"
My voice slipped out again. She reacts, because I see her jitter a little, but she seems to be pretending not to notice me. Could it be she doesn't want to speak to me? How rude! I thought an outcast like you would appreciate the company, but I guess not. Fine, I didn't want to talk to you either.
That's a lie. I can't help but feel a little down at the notion that she didn't feel the weird connection that I did today. A momentary, thought, though. I am distracted when I see the sushi value box she is holding. Damn you! You are the scumbag who took the last crispy chicken!
Ah, I want some. But I can't just demand she let me purchase it, or even share it between us. It's not like there's a polite way to ask in a situation like this. Still, I'm not giving that chicken up without a fight.
"Is that crispy chicken you've got?" I ask, even though I already know that it is. As soon as the words leave my mouth, I realize I should have started with a greeting.
Kuroki pretends to have just noticed me as I spoke. Nice try, Kuroki. But I already know that you were doing something suspicious in regards to me, and stopped when I notice you. Still, it doesn't seem like she intended any harm, so I can only assume she was doing something awkward or embarrassing for her.
She replies with a shaky voice. "A-ah, Hikio-gaya- I mean uh, Hachi-san- no, uh, um..." She stutters and trails off, fumbling around with my name. I take pity on her and offer my own name.
"Hikigaya. Remember?"
She makes a terribly embarrassed face. "I knew that! I swear! I just-"
"It's fine, you know. I already know you're not good with the whole 'talking to real people' thing." My remark was, admittedly, somewhat cheeky. Taking a stab at her social anxiety.
"Ah, um...yeah. I suppose, heheh." She meekly replies. Hey, c'mon now. Don't go back to square one, we already sort of bonded, didn't we? Or was that all in my head?
At this particular moment, even though I do want to talk with her more, I have exhausted all of my extrovert-type energy reserves.. You'll probably never appreciate this, Kuroki, but those icebreakers I pulled at our first meeting really took a lot out of me.
I decide to drop the inviting attitude, and settle for a more natural me. That is, straight to the point. "So, you got the last crispy chicken, huh?"
Kuroki is still flushed from her earlier flub, but is now rapidly regaining her composure after hearing my question. Perhaps she picked up from the tone of my voice that I'm not faking being friendly anymore.
She finally gives me a normal response. "Yeah. Looks like it's the last one. Would be a shame if anyone besides me were to have it." She grins and narrows her eyes. The nerve of this girl! She now knows I'm after the crispy chicken, and has the nerve to flaunt it in my face.
"Rather selfish, don't you think? Acting like all the crispy chicken belongs only to you. Other people like it, too you know." Somewhat hypocritical of me. Actually, I don't care about other people either. I care about one person.
Smugness intensifies [1]. She waves the box around and puts on an impression that is all too easy to recognize. "Hah? That's totally not it at all Hikio. Blame the sushi joint for, like, putting all the crispy chicken in one container."
I choke down my laugh, but my mirth is all too obvious. Upon seeing my reaction, she giggles to herself. This is the indescribable feeling we had earlier today.
"How about a compromise?" I suggest to her in a way reminiscent of a slimy salesman.
It piques her intrigue. "What do you mean?"
"I'll give you 3 of any pieces out of my box, for two pieces of your crispy chicken." Not a bad sales pitch, if I do say so myself.
"Hmm, what do you got?" Looks like I have a taker.
Ah, shit. There's the catch. I have teriyaki and grilled salmon, it's obvious I got the slim pickings. Just act confident and maybe she'll still be sold on the idea.
"Grilled salmon and-"
"No deal!" She exclaims with an expression feigning outrage.
It catches me by surprise and I'm momentarily stunned. But then I can't help but laugh. This time, I don't try to hide it, and I laugh out loud. It's a sound I truly do not recognize. Things do occasionally amuse me, but nothing that really makes me laugh. At best, things can elicit a low giggle, which I've been told is creepy and gross. Yet another reason I don't laugh much.
She joins me in laughter, and I almost feel something like the innocence I once lost returning to me. The feeling doesn't last, of course, and it probably doesn't have any lasting effect on my personality.
When I regain my composure, I look at her and tip my head towards the counter, insinuating we head on to pay for our food. She's straightened up too, and wordlessly agrees. We both head out of the tiny sushi shack.
I don't know if at some point we psychically communicated, or if we just somehow agreed to eat together. But we find a nearby bench stationed in town, and sit down together. Without saying anything, we open our sushi containers and begin to eat.
We don't say much after that. In fact, we don't say anything until I've finished my sushi. My stomach is satisfied, but my tastebuds were thinking of someone else the entire time. Like a married couple that fell out of sync. Oh, how I dread the thought of becoming an adult.
I look over, and Kuroki seems to have finished eating, too. Oddly enough, she hasn't closed her crispy chicken container, despite still having some left over. Oi, the joke was funny before, but don't try to drag it out you know?
She picks up the container while it's open, and extends it towards me. She's staring at the ground, and I realize she's offering me some. Or at least I think she is. I should ask, to be sure. It would be awkward if I tried to take one and it turned out to be a misunderstanding.
"Kuroki? Could it be..." I trail off.
She nods her head, and I think I can see her blushing. Nervously, I take a piece of crispy chicken. I bite into it, So satisfying. I'm more contented with this one piece than my entire box.
"Th-thanks, Kuroki." My gratitude is not well expressed, but it's sincere nonetheless.
"Yeah, it's fine." She's so flustered, it's obvious. "You said you wanted some, so..."
I remind myself of the laws of equivalent exchange, and realize I have nothing left to offer Kuroki in return. "Ah, sorry. I don't have any left to share."
She shakes her head, implying she didn't expect anything in return. I can't be sure this is what she meant, though. After all, she says absolutely nothing. I realize it's getting late.
"Yo, Kuroki. I'm gonna head home now." I don't know the polite way to break off from someone at the end of the day, so I decide to be blunt about it.
"Yeah. Me too." She replies.
"Bye." I offer a curt farewell, and she nods and grunts in agreement. I turn to leave, and don't look back.
I keep thinking I should have said something else before I left. Something like 'It was nice meeting you' or, 'I had fun today', or maybe even 'you should come back at lunch tomorrow'. I wasn't confident that it was okay to be quite that cozy, though. Even though we almost had an intimate conversation earlier.
Okay, all the initial ideas are out of my head and inside the story at this point. You can expect slower updates now, and I know I said that last chapter, but I really am not sure what happens next just yet. Maybe I'll be inspired randomly, and get to writing another chapter straight away. We'll have to see.
Please review. It makes me want to continue.
Also, I need a beta. Any takers?
[1] I think everyone knows this meme by now. I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.