Just a heads up; not much HachiTomo moments in this one. I have to set the pace for the whole story, otherwise you're just not going to be invested. Besides, even though it's mainly about Hachiman and Tomoko, the service club is still hugely important. This is primarily an Oregairu fic, after all.
Also warning: Drama ahead.
That's all, please enjoy!
(Hachiman POV)
The bell rings, and I'm snapped back to reality. Yesterday, the bell signalling the end of lunch was like an electric shock to my system, waking me from a dream. Today, I'd compare it more to an alarm clock that I didn't realize I'd set the night before.
We stand up, and Kuroki turns to leave. I open my mouth before I even think of saying anything.
"Bye Kuroki." I don't know why I felt obligated to farewell her. But I did.
"See you later, Hikigaya." She returns the sentiment.
See you later, huh? We never really did agree to meet up at any point. I still don't know if she feels the same about our sparse interactions. It's playing on my mind more than I want to accept, and I'm repulsed by my own obsessiveness. Still...
"You coming back tomorrow, Kuroki?" I ask before I even think. I've never made an active effort not to blush before. I don't even know how you'd do that, but I tried anyway.
Her response is wary. "...Can I?" Her voice is laced with doubt. Can't be helped, I guess. We barely know each other. Really, there's no appropriate, or rather, natural way for someone like me to reach out to someone like her. I know this, but I want to try anyway.
"Sure. Come around as much as you want." I still hate forcing myself to be sociable. It goes against my ideals. Then again, reaching out to another person for no reason other than self-satisfaction goes against my ideals anyway.
"Okay." She clips, and walks off hastily. I can't tell if she was feeling appreciative or intimidated by the sentiment.
I head off to my own class.
The final lesson of the day is over, and that means I'm due for the service club. Yuigahama is gasbagging to her pack, and I really don't want to fart around in class waiting for her. If you think about it, I've never made her wait on me for anything, and she insists on having me chauffeur her to the club every day, just so she can feel a little more accepted than she already does. The only reason I allow this hypocrisy is because she has mastered the dark art of puppy-dog eyes. A true modern injustice, if ever I saw one.
Finally, she finishes wasting her time, and can now commence wasting mine. She walks towards me, and I walk towards the door.
"Hikki, wait up!" She blurts out obnoxiously. Stop drawing attention to me, woman.
"I did wait up. I'm still here, aren't I?" I retort flatly.
"Ah, yeah. Thanks. For waiting, I mean." She chirps happily.
"Well, you insisted that I-"
"Yeah, it's so nice of you to wait out of kindness, Hikki. Yup yup!" She talks over me, attempting to enforce her own deluded truths over reality. You've been hanging out with Miura too much, woman.
"Whatever. Let's go."
We arrive at the club, and Yui barges in as if she owns the place, just like she always does. Such a simple creature, I already know what she's going to say next. Yahallo to you too, Yuigahama.
"Yahallo, Yukinon~!" Called it. She skips over to her seat.
"Good afternoon, Yuigahama-san." Yukinoshita greets her. Hey, two people walked in, you know?
I haven't said anything about it, but recently being insulted and excluded by these two has started to give me mild heartaches. It's probably just because of a long-running gag, but to be honest I'm sick of it. When it happens, I feel like I don't belong. Like I've just been wasting my time here.
Like it makes no difference if I don't show up.
I know the two of them were doing something together when club was cancelled yesterday. They always do. I don't have a clue what it was, though. Nobody told me anything.
Yukinoshita plays out her tired joke. "Ah-! Yuigahama-san, something disgusting has followed you into the clubroom, look!" She points at me in mock horror. Yuigahama,
Maybe she was expecting me to play along with the gag, but I got lost in my own depressing thoughts, and just made a sour face and looked away. I should know by now it's just a gag, but I feel ostracized in my own club. I take a seat, and then proceed to say something horrible.
"If you're just gonna diss me all afternoon, maybe I shouldn't even bother coming. I don't need that sort of aggrivation." I hiss venomously.
I probably should have realized the response I would garner from such a sour statement. Yukinoshita makes a guilty face, and Yuigahama looks at me like I just swore at her.
"...Hikki..."
The tension thickens the atmosphere immediately. I blurted out my darkest thoughts before I could reel them in. Why? I've never been the kind of guy to act on spontaneous thoughts, what the hell's been wrong with me lately?
Yukinoshita breaks the silence. "...I'm sorry, Hikigaya-kun. I...didn't mean to..." She's reaching out, but isn't really sure how to express her feelings.
I feel remorse immediately. I shouldn't have said that. I got lost in my own miserable mind and took it out on my club. I did this. I have to make it right.
"...No, I'm sorry. I don't know why I even said that. I've been weird lately." I mutter to the both of them.
"Um...Hikki? Is something bothering you lately?" Yuigahama asks nervously.
I'm not sure how to answer her. I try anyway.
"Well, it's just..." I begin, "I feel like a third wheel sometimes. Like the two of you are best friends and I'm just...here." I answer vaguely. I'm not even sure what I mean by that, but it's all I can think to say. Moments like this are why you can't trust words.
Yuigahama flares up in response. "Hikki! That's no-"
"Hikigaya-kun, that's untrue!" Yukinoshita Raises her voice. Not only that, but she interrupted Yuigahama. Two actions that completely defy the existence of the ice queen. I certainly wasn't expecting a reaction like that. Yuigahama looks as stumped as I am.
I feel a little shocked. And then, touched. I didn't realize she cared so much. No, that's a lie. I knew she cared. I've known it since that day. The day when I was forced to make a request to my estranged clubmates. The day I went against my entire life's philosophy and laid my heart bare. The day we three reached for each other, desperately clutching and and pulling at each other's feelings. The day I asked for something genuine.
Yukinoshita speaks again, but this time with almost no volume in her voice. "Um...You're mistaken, Hikigaya-kun. I...We value your company. It's just not as easy to express the sentiment to you because..." She trails off.
"Because what?" I ask anxiously. Please, Yukinoshita, tell me. Tell me, and lay my stupid insecurities to rest. I want to know.
She doesn't find the words, and disappointment begins to fester within me. Yuigahama raises her voice this time.
"Hikki. The reason is simple." Yuigahama answers somberly. Yet another abnormal display. When is Yuigahama ever somber? Is there some sort of psychological phenomenon occurring in the clubroom today?
"Then, what's the reason?" I turn to her, silently pleading for an answer.
Yuigahama takes a deep breath in, and then sighs heavily. "Well...because you're a guy, Hikki."
Because I'm a guy? I take in the strange answer and attempt to dissect it for the logic I'm seeking. Nothing. I need elaboration.
"What does that mean?" I ask, my voice wrought with uncertainty.
She breaks eye contact, and groans in what I think to be frustration. "Ah, geez! It's like...Ugh! How am I supposed to even say it? You know, right Yukinon?" Her nonsensical babble confuses me, and he passes the proverbial ball to 'Yukinon'.
"Yuigahama-san is correct." Yukinoshita is speaking matter-of-factly. I feel a speech coming on. "There will always be a psychological disconnect between males and females." Yep, speech mode has been initiated.
"Even if some or all of the people in question are not necessarily attracted to the opposite sex, there exists a level on bonding that in most cases, is only possible to achieve with the same gender. It's unfortunate, Hikivirgin-kun, but you couldn't possibly understand, having extremely limited experience with the opposite sex. It's only natural for our interactions to be limited by the sexual tension between-"
Sexual tension?
Oh. Oh.
All of us remain quiet and stop moving, as if the entire clubroom were paused by some cosmic remote. Yukinoshita's face begins to flush, and she's unable to find the words to retract her...awkward revelation.
In the corner of my eye, I see Yuigahama's ears begin to burn red, and I suspect my own face is turning red too. What the hell Yukinoshita! That's such an awkward thing to say! Fix it. Fix this mess right now!
"Ah-...that is..." Yukinoshita fumbles with her words, which is yet another thing I thought I'd never see.
"Ahem. You see, erm...purely from a theoretical perspective, females and-that is, um...males..." She looks like she wants to cry. Despite how embarassed I'm feeling, I decide to take pity on her and help out with the situation.
"You can stop. I get what you're trying to say." I really do. Guys are close in their own way. Girls are close in their own way too. You could have just said that. Honestly, it's your own snobbish elitism that led you to say something awkward in the first place.
Yuigahama does her little laugh thing that she always does in tense moments. It doesn't work this time. It's still super awkward. Ah, dammit. I wish I could just reload from the last autosave. This sucks.
Finally, I can't bear it anymore. I clear my throat as if to say something, and I immediately get their full attention. Seems like they can't bear it either.
"Ahem. Well, thanks. For clearing up my...insecurities. It feels like a load off, or something." Unfortunately, this awkward situation is a whole nother problem entirely.
Hearing this, Yuigahama finds her courage. "Of course, Hikki. You know you were being silly."
Yukinoshita chimes in too. "As long as you understand, Hikigaya-kun, then it's fine."
With nothing else to say, I grab a light novel out of my bag, and try to get absorbed into the book. It's totally impossible at first because of the tension, but it soon fades, and we're almost back to normal. Yuigahama's the first to disregard the earlier happenings, and is soon humming and tapping away at her phone like usual. Yukinoshita offers to make tea. I feel better now.
Later, we're still in the clubroom. Wasting time like we always do. Club is almost finished for the day. Suddenly, I remember Kuroki. I don't know why. Maybe it's a particular word I skimmed across in my book, or maybe it was triggered randomly. I wonder if I should share my recent experiences regarding that anomaly with my club.
It's rare that I have things to share with them. Somehow I think they'd appreciate the change of pace. Not that we haven't had a lot of that today. Yet, I'm not sure how to bring it up. For some reason, I can't find a natural way to say it. That I've been connecting with someone lately.
I look up, and it's nearly 5 o'clock. I probably missed my chance today. No problem, I'll bring it up some other time. I pack my book away, and take my teacup to the sink to rinse it.
"Alright. I'm done for today. I'll see you guys." I offer a generic farewell.
"Okay. Byebye, Hikki."
"Good evening, Hikigaya-kun."
I feel like there's one more thing I want to say. "Um, so what happened before. It was awkward, like-"
"Hikki." Yuigahama stops me, as if warning me not to recall the tension from earlier. That wasn't my intention. I just wanna say something, dammit.
"No, it's like...I mean there was an awkward moment, but I'm glad we had the talk...you know?" I say unsurely. I'm acutally not even sure what I was trying to say.
Another moment of silence. Dammit, why did I say anything?
"...Ne, Hikki, Yukinon. Should we, like, do something this weekend? Just the three of us?" Yuigahama extends an invitation to the both of us.
"Ah, I suppose. My weekend schedule is rather uniform, but if I make some adjustments I-" Yukinoshita is going off again. While she rambles, I consider Yuigahama's offer.
To be honest, I really wish she didn't. I appreciate the thought, but weekends are me time. It's enough for me to know my dark thoughts were unjustified. In fact, I think spending even more pointless time together for no reason other than reassurance is just going to have a reverse effect. I'll probably get sick of you two if you take away something as precious as my alone time.
Still, I can't help but get a little happy from her considerate invitation.
"I guess I could spare a day for some time outside once in a while." I accept her invitation in a roundabout way.
The same could be said about Yukinoshita, who has just finished her pointless droning about how she's probably going to show up.
Finally, I take my leave. On the way home, I think back to what Yukinoshita said before. About guys and girls. She said that it's impossible to fully connect with a member of the opposite sex because psychologically, you acknowledge that they're somehow different. Yukinoshita does often strive to get her facts straight, but I can't help but wonder about the validity of that one.
Whew! What a dramabomb, am I right guys? I know what everyone is going to say. Hachiman is OOC, you don't understand his character, rardy rardy rar. I'm doing it on purpose. The idea I've had from the moment I started this story, is that Hachiman connects with someone in a way that rocks him to his core. Also consider that this story takes place when the service club's relationships are at their most delicate, which I'd say is somewhere around volume 10...ish.
It's part of the story, you knoooooow.
At this point I can't promise Hachiman will return to character, but since the basis of this story involves a change/growth in him, I won't apologize for this. At best, I will try to make the changes believable.
Also, I know a little about psychology. When you feel like you don't understand your own personality, for example, you find yourself doing or saying things that you thought you'd never do or say, you feel subconsciously insecure, and will unknowingly project it on to other insecurities in your life. This should be noted because I specifically remember parts in the light novel where Hachiman watches Yuigahama and Yukinoshita and feels that they are closer to each other than with him. There's even one point where he says his 'heart grows cold' as he watches them cuddle.
Also, I've briefly considered some scenarios a bit further ahead than what I planned to write about. If this story goes well, I might end up doing a long-spanning fic, or maybe even a series with the same continuity.
ALSO, I just want to remind my readers that this fic comprises the entirety of my life's experience as an author so far. Aside from the intentional OOC moments, I may also at times fail to grasp characters' personas due to lack of experience. I might also fuck some other shit up like pacing or whatever. IDK, I'm freeballing here, help me out pls lel.
ALSO, does anyone feel like some parts are hard to read? As in, in terms of structure or whatever? Sometimes I look at a part and I think it's clunky or whatever, but don't know how to fix it.
AND ALSO! it may sound conceited of me, but I was thinking I might try my hand at humorous one-shots in the future. I feel like it might fit my style. Maybe you guys could PM me some good prompts for one-shots and I might nurture the ideas until they become one-shots. Maybe.