Chapter 11

The walk back to the Institute for Jace felt like it took hours, the journey seeming to be a colossal distance as opposed to the few miles that it really was. His head was pounding, flooded with lingering memories that made him feel the most guilt he'd experienced in a long time. Flashing images of what he'd seen through the tracking rune - mostly of a black abyss and a vision clouded in confusion and fear - and the fact that he couldn't decipher where Alec could be made it all the more frustrating. All he wanted was to know where his parabatai was - that was the first step to finding him, and at least then there would be some sort of action he could take towards saving him. But right now he was helpless, unable to do anything to help his friend besides wait and dwell on the guilt that he could do nothing more to help.

Seeing Magnus hadn't helped. The warlock was in shambles, even if he couldn't admit it himself. On any normal day, he wouldn't have been seen so bare and pale, eyes drooping from their sockets. It had almost been as though he was ill, and Jace was now starting to realise what Izzy had meant about Magnus being heartbroken. What had he gotten himself into? If he hadn't been so stupid as to kiss Alec that night, if he'd just ignored his feelings and left it alone, maybe now Magnus and Alec would have made up and all would be well again. Couples fought all the time, and no matter how perfect they had seemed together it was to be assumed that Alec and Magnus would have a few hiccups here and there.

But then a thought entered Jace's head that was even worse: if he had never made a move on Alec, maybe he wouldn't be missing right now. The thought caught Jace off guard and made him feel suddenly sick, making him pause in the middle of the street to regain his balance. He didn't know what the causes of Alec's disappearance were, he had no idea who or what had taken him, but there was a possibility that if different circumstances had played out, Alec would be safe and sound without any harm done. Jace couldn't help but hate himself for that tiny lapse of judgement that had spiralled so madly out of control.

Jace was so encapsulated in thought as he approached the New York Institute that he barely noticed a red-headed figure pass him by. It took him a second before he realised, before he took a double-take and spun around to see the back of Clary as she rushed away from him. He wondered why she was here, if she'd come to see him - obviously not considering how quickly she was walking. He considered letting her go, since she clearly wasn't keen to talk to him, but he knew that over Alec and Magnus and everyone else who had been affected by his recent actions, Clary was the one he'd let down the most. After everything that had happened, all the times they'd come so close to losing each other and all the times he'd said he loved her, he'd thrown it all away like it didn't mean a thing, snogging - even worse, shagging - someone else behind her back. She must have thought the absolute worst of him, hated him for being so heartless.

"Clary!" Jace called, suddenly deciding to run after her - he couldn't let her walk away would him explaining himself, or at very least apologising. She ignored him at first but he was inevitably faster than her, catching up with ease to catch her by the shoulder. But Clary didn't take kindly to his action, and shoved his hand away the second he touched her. She turned to face him and her eyes could have melted ice, but instead they melted Jace's heart - all he wanted was to blurt out an apology but Clary had started talking before he could say a word.

"Don't try it, Jace," she spat. "I don't want to talk to you, you've done enough already." She started to walk away again but Jace wasn't prepared to let her go - this time he caught her with his words.

"I'm sorry," he pleaded with her. "Clary, please, I didn't know what I was doing, I'm so sorry -"

"Save your breath, I don't want to hear it." Her face was torn by tears which sliced down her cheeks and hung off her chin like icicles. Jace longed to wipe them away, and to erase with them any harm he'd caused her, but he knew that wasn't possible now.

"I'm sorry," he confessed again, "I -" He was about to say that he loved her, but stopped himself - it was only really from habit that he was saying it. He did love Clary and care for her just as much as he did before, but there was a wall between them now that he had laid the foundations of, and he knew that the barrier would only be strengthened by him saying those three words now, after he'd proved that they couldn't be quite as true as he'd thought.

He knew rationally that the best thing to do was to leave it, to walk away and try to talk to her when his betrayal wasn't quite such a fresh wound to touch on. He imagined Isabelle standing beside him, and even she would have pulled him away, probably to console Clary herself. And yet, even though he knew all this, he felt compelled to explain himself, to give her some sort of reason, maybe just so that he wouldn't feel so guilty himself.

"I'm sorry, Clary, I really am, but listen to me for a second." He knew he was repeating himself, but how else could he possibly convey how guilty he felt. "But... I think I love Alec." He'd said similar words once before, to Alec himself, but saying them now didn't seem so comforting and homely as it had before, wrapped up in a haze of bed covers. He regretted saying it the second he saw the look on Clary's face turn even more sorrowful.

"I can see that," she told him, her face flushed with the pressure of trying to hold in more tears. But, at very least, she didn't move away from him, which Jace saw as a good sign. He began speaking again at an alarming rate, words tumbling out of his mouth in an attempt to say all he needed to before she ran off again.

"I know I should have told you before I did anything, but I-I don't know what came over me. Have you ever felt so much love for someone that it's like nothing else matters? Like all you want to spend your time doing is being near them no matter what the consequences are?"

"Yeah, I have," Clary replied as the tears escaped from her eyes and sprinted down her face. "I felt that for you." With that she took off, and no matter how many times Jace called after her she never looked back. He didn't bother racing after her, even though he wished he could, but instead watched her turn the furthest corner before sulking back up to the Institute entrance.

Naturally, Maryse Lightwood was anything but pleased when she heard what had recently been going on right under her nose, but more than anything she was struck with worry. The moment Jace walked through the front doors of the New York Institute she was on him, demanding to know where her children were. After what had happened to Jace regarding the Heavenly Fire a few days before was worrying alone, but she hadn't seen either of the Lightwood teens all day, and although she trusted them, she couldn't help but worry.

Jace was distraught, and his will was weak to the point where he didn't even hesitate to tell Maryse exactly what she wanted to know - and the truth at that. What else could he tell her, other than a cleverly thought up lie which he had no energy in order to produce? She would most likely figure out that he was lying quickly anyway, and Jace wasn't fond of his surrogate mother when she was angry. Besides, she was their mother, and he figured that she deserved to know that her oldest son was missing.

Of course, Maryse's first thought was to contact the Clave, to have them take over and find Alec as soon as possible. Jace understood her worry, she only wanted her children to be safe, but he also knew that her panic-struck response would do no good - he had never fully trusted the Council, as they always seemed to make things harder rather than helping. More than anything else, he feared that they would discover the relationship between him and Alec, the results of which he knew would be catastrophic. He explained to Maryse that Magnus was on the case and right that second was thinking up a way to find her son, and although he knew she didn't fully trust the warlock, the fact that something was being done seemed to calm her significantly. That past year or so had been enthralled in battles and wars that were unlucky even for a Shadowhunter, and considering that fact that her eldest children had been able to cope with all of that so far, she knew that the likelihood of them surviving this too was high. Maryse just couldn't help but wonder when their luck would run out.

"All we have to do is wait for Izzy to call, and hopefully Magnus will have something ready," Jace reassured her, but the word 'hopefully' played on Maryse's mind and made her doubt the hope they had. She wasn't happy to wait, but she also knew how temperamental the High Warlock of Brooklyn could be, so storming up to his apartment and demanding to know how he planned to find her son, as much as she wished to do it, would only deter Magnus from helping at all.

"Alright," she nodded, "but you must let me know as soon as you hear from Izzy. I'm coming with you - no negotiations." Jace agreed to her terms and sulked towards the library, which was beginning to be his favourite place in the Institute. It was central in the old building, but at the same time deafly quiet, only the shifting of air around him other than silence. Jace knew that the books wouldn't judge him, unlike people, and he could sit in his favourite armchair for hours at a time, leisurely thinking things through, usually without much disturbance. The second he rested in the chair he laid his head back and closed his eyes, thinking of what he'd seen through the tracking rune yet again. There had to be something he was missing, something trapped within the tiniest details that would tell him where Alec was, there had to be something...

He must have unknowingly drifted into sleep, as the next thing Jace knew he was being jolted awake by something vibrating violently at his side. He hissed a curse as he fished the device from his pocket, realising his phone was ringing a second too late to pick up. He glanced at the time - several hours had passed and there was a long list of missed calls from Isabelle on the screen, including the one he'd just missed. There were a bunch of texts too, telling him to get to Magnus' apartment as soon as he could, that Magnus was almost ready. He kicked himself for falling asleep, but at the same time he felt ten times more alert than he had before and was jumping out of his seat and rushing to the Institute entrance at his fastest sprint. He completely forgot about the promise he'd made Maryse to let her know, but by the time he'd remembered he was already standing outside Magnus' apartment building, hammering on the door with a fist of steel.

From the second Jace stepped into the apartment he could tell that something had changed drastically since he'd left just a few hours ago, a shift in the atmosphere that seemed to be a turn for the better. The room Jace stepped into was a mess, with a cluster of miscellaneous items left on surfaces and thrown over the back of the chairs and couch. Everything seemed to have been pushed up against the walls to completely clear the centre of the room. Chairman Meow had remained in the same spot as he'd been hours ago, now curled up in a ball and only watching Jace enter the apartment through one spying yellow eye - otherwise, the cat seemed completely content and undisturbed by the mess surrounding him.

A moment later Magnus appeared at the doorway across the room and Jace could tell with just a single glance that the warlock was feeling better. He was at least now wearing a decent amount of clothes, the material sparkling and colourful in true Magnus fashion. His hair was a vibrant blue, tied off of his face to show the heavy make-up that covered his features. He seemed to be back to normal, but his frown didn't exactly show much joy. It was more than a little reassuring to see Magnus a bit closer to his usual self, considering how off he'd seemed earlier that evening. He regarded Jace with only a blank stare and continued into the room, letting his fingertips brush over the Chairman's fur as he walked by.

"Where's Isabelle?" was the first thing Jace asked and Magnus answered without even looking his way.

"She's gone to pick up a thing or two from Catarina," the warlock told him. "She should be back soon."

"And when she is?"

Magnus looked at him, catching his gaze and holding it. The warlock's eyes were yellow and lined with thick black make-up, and Jace had to admit that they were not only intriguing, but also increasingly attractive the more he stared into them. He knew the answer to his question, but he wanted to hear Magnus say it. "Then we'll find him," he finally said after much delay, but within moments the connection between their eyes was cast away and Magnus looked back to whatever he was doing as Jace stood awkwardly by the door.

Minutes dawdled by, and tension wrapped itself around Jace's limbs and made them jitter with anticipation. The warlock seemed to be moving slowly and calmly as he prepared what he needed for the spell he was planning to cast, but as Jace watched his movements he could see a shiver in Magnus' every step. He was afraid, terrified in the exact same way Jace was that they would find Alec just short of alive. Jace didn't want to think of Alec being hurt, he refused to. He knew that if he thought too much about Alec being harmed, not only would his heart burn with both rage and sorrow, but his emotions would spark another burst of Heavenly Fire to overcome him. That was the last thing they needed right now, and the last time had been bad enough with Alec near him. Jace didn't want to wonder about how bad it would be without his parabatai there to sooth the burns.

"Magnus," Jace called suddenly, not even really deciding to say it until the words had already left his mouth. Magnus looked up from the candle he was lighting and send the Shadowhunter a dull stare. Jace felt compelled to step towards the warlock, and found himself stood on the other side of the candle, facing Magnus with a look that already had the words he was about to say written all over.

"Apparently Clary told you what's been going on between me and Alec," Jace began, but before he could go on, Magnus sighed. He knew where this was going, and didn't want to delve into something that was best left alone - it was easier to just forget. But Jace was persistent and determined to go on.

"I feel like I should apologise," Jace admitted. "I know that you and Alec had broken up before I did anything, but it was too soon. I should have at least waited, I'm sorry." Magnus shook his head and avoided Jace's gaze, he didn't want an apology. Yes, it would have been wonderful for everything to be back to how it was before, to have Alec back as his and for Jace to never have gotten involved. But it had happened, and the past couldn't be changed. Apologies were useless, and Magnus would have much quicker just forgotten the whole thing. But, as much as he tried not to look at the Nephilim before him, Magnus found himself gasp when a burning pressure appeared on his hand, which was rested on the surface in front of him. It was only when he looked that he realised that it was Jace's own hand over his, but even then his eyes were locked in place, staring straight ahead at Jace.

"I know how much it hurts," the teenager said to him, quiet and gentle. "I'm sorry." Magnus only gritted his teeth, because the truth was Jace didn't know. The Shadowhunter would have no idea how much loving a mortal ached, and how devastatingly heart-breaking it had been to end things with Alec. But it had to be done, as Magnus would never let go of his immortality and Alec would never be anything more than beautifully mortal. Perhaps if Magnus was to voice his opinions Jace would argue that a relationship between the two parabatai was just as forbidden as his and Alec's, but at very least Jace and Alec could hide their relationship, living out their days together until they regrettably came to an end. At least the two teens would have some chance at happiness before they met death. Magnus would never have such a finite end, not with Alec or with anyone. He was destined to live on indefinitely until he could bare it no longer, and even then he was sure he wouldn't have the strength to end his life. Jace would never know what that felt like, to know that he would never experience the joy of growing old with someone. It was all that Magnus wished for, but even a heartfelt apology from Jace wasn't going to make that happen.

Magnus knew that he should have stepped away the second Jace had finished speaking, but there was a strange compulsion stopping him from moving. Strangely, Magnus felt as though he should lean forward, like there was a magnetic attraction present between him and Jace, specifically between their lips. The way Jace watched him made Magnus wonder if the gaze was inviting, or if he was just imagining the look. But Magnus had never planned to really act on the feeling - had he?

He never did know, as the door suddenly swung open and both Jace's hand and his gaze was swept away from him, looking instead to the door where Isabelle had entered. She had a bag slung over her shoulder and looked at the two men expectantly.

"I've got the stuff," she said. "You guys ready?"

Both of them nodded, and Magnus shook himself back to normal, forgetting the strange feeling that had just come over him. In a fleeting moment, reality took over again and his mind was fixed on Alec - they had to find him.