Hello, my friends! I'm glad to see that this story has been relatively well received by those who have read it. Me and my merry band of friends have been discussing plotpoints, backstories and everything else since I uploaded the first chapter, so we've got a lot planned for you. Oh, and this fic is now officially part of an extended universe; my good friend GreenDo, creator of Timothy, has a story called A Beacon to Earth! in which Sage from this story makes an appearance, and the two stories just may cross over at some point in the future.

deltafrost: Thank you. Funny is what I was going for. Actually this will probably be my only story where the main focus will be on the comedy. Normally I like to keep things serious, with a little bit of humour thrown in.

Guest: Thank you for the compliments.

GreenDo: Fuck you! Lol! This, ladies and gentlemen, is the creator of the character Timothy! And he really likes abusing me... *sniffles*

Themadman59: And this is the creator of Sage! He also quite likes abusing me, though more to comedic affect than GreenDo.

Guest: They are pretty cool, aren't they? And here's the update you've been waiting an abysmal amount of time for.

Guest: Indeed. XD

SPARTAN-626 Thank you. Their backstories will be explored, though I am slightly hesitant about Sage's; without giving too much away, the friend of mine who created him made his backstory dark as fuck. I'm still reeling from when he first explained it, actually. I'm looking forward to starting the shipping, myself. It's gonna be fun.

Guest: Xavier/Blake Sage/Ruby Timothy/Weiss Nathaniel/Yang

Guest: Thanks.

Catlord9001: Thanks, and call me PJ since it's my username. They're introduced at the end of this chapter. Also, just a warning, keep that spoiler shit up and I can and will block you. Just sayin'~

WarMachineWill: Thank you. I'm sorry if the character isn't quite what you had in mind, but I'm doing my best here. For those of you who are interested, this guy is the creator of Nathaniel. I think the fact that you're my friend is the only reason I'm letting you get away with advertising your own stuff in the review section ...

Guest: Thank you, and don't worry. The weapons all have different states, so Xavier won't just be using the battleaxe.

Let's get started!

Forming Partnerships

Xavier's P.O.V.

I felt really weird about the night before. I mean, good God, I was acting like such a dick! From what I can tell, I only really get like that when I'm tired, but it's still going to be a problem if what I heard about shared accommodations is to be believed. Oh well, I thought, I guess it doesn't really matter right now. I was just in the locker room getting changed into my battle gear after shortly after breakfast. Let me tell you, those pancakes were really good. And despite the lack of sleep, I couldn't say that the night before was a total loss; I found a new friend in Blake Belladonna. Do you have any idea how rare it is for me to meet someone who, not only I, but Damien likes, as well?

"Why the hell wouldn't I like her?" Damien said within my mind. "She's sexy as all-hell, and she likes to read as much as you do—maybe even more so. We'd both get somethin' outta that deal, you know what I'm sayin'?"

Don't be a pervert, I said to him with my thoughts. That's one of the big things about Damien: his perversion. The guy looks at every girl I—or should I say we?—see and instantly has something perverted to say about her. Don't believe me? He had a great one about that blonde girl, Yang, the night before. Something about 'motorboating dem tittays' if I remember correctly. I swear, if he weren't the only thing standing between me and total insanity, I'd have gotten rid of him by now.

"Well, would you look who it is?" said a rather familiar—and rather annoying—voice from behind me. I turned around and saw that guy Sage standing there in all his curly-haired, creepy-grinned splendidness. "It's Mr Grouchy Pants!"

"Only when I'm tired," I said. I could hear Damien grinding his non-existent teeth in frustration … no, actually it would appear that he was making me subconsciously grind my teeth because he didn't have any. I knew at that moment that he didn't really like Sage that much. "I'm terribly sorry for that, by the way, I don't mean to be rude. I just really, really like my sleep. And, no offence, you guys were kind of fucking that up for me." That was putting it mildly. I happen to enjoy my sleep very much, mostly due to the lack of dreams, and with all the noise that was being made by that lot I didn't think I was going to get any sleep at all.

"I'm pretty good at fucking things up for people," he said, his eyes twinkling from his own amusement. "Also, do you know if they have any cake down in the cafeteria? I forgot to check."

"Er … I think so." I was confused. Wasn't he asking about cake last night, too?

"Yep, pretty sure he was," said Damien. "The banana eating little bastard probably can't get enough of the stuff. Hoo-hoo haa-haa! Hoo-hoo haa-haa!" Damien cackled madly in my head making monkey noises as I sighed at his racist attitude.

Why do you have to be such a racist prick? I asked him. Though out loud I said, "You might want to go and check now. I'm pretty sure they'll be clearing it out soon."

"Will do, you mental bastard!" Sage threw me one final grin before leaving me to get my stuff ready.

"Hey, idiot!" Damien yelled at me. "That monkey-tailed freak just called you mental! He fucking knows about me!"

I was left with an uneasy feeling, realising that Damien was right. How could Sage have known that? There was literally no way for him to know that I had my little … mental problem.

But, thinking about it like that, was it a mental problem? Damien's voice had only appeared in my head after the … incident, sure, but I had felt something there a lot longer than that. It was a nagging little feeling in the back of my head, almost like there was someone else in there. And I'd always had these strange episodes: random bursts of profanity, mindless acts of violence, the occasional urge to cave somebody's skull in. It was like I was a different person; hell, some people even commented on it, saying that I wasn't myself. So, thinking along those lines, was Damien really some figment of insanity? Or was he … something else?

"Are you gonna keep speculating on my existence, or are we gonna go and kick some fuckin' arse!?" Damien's voice cut through my mental tirade like a knife, and I shook those thoughts off. Even if I was thinking along the right lines, there was no way of finding out for sure.

Besides, I had an initiation to take.

~XSTN~

Nathaniel's P.O.V.

Oh, dear God, I hope I'm not late! I yelled in mind as I raced through the halls of Beacon. I had awoken from my deep slumber only a few moments before, and immediately saw that I had slept in by a rather large margin of time. The halls of Beacon were deserted, and I ran as fast as I could, breathing rapidly, my two hatchets—which I called The Siamese Twins—strapped to my sides.

The message I got on my Scroll from Yang upon waking up didn't help my mood at all.

Xiao Long are you planning to sleep, Nath? - Yang ;) xx

The wink and the kisses put me in a good mood, but the pun was fucking horrible.

I continued to run through the hallways, trying my best to ignore the morning wood that I had not been given the chance to deal with properly, until I made it onto the grounds outside. The cliffs weren't all that hard to find, since I'd seen them through the windows of the airship the day before. In no time at all I had found where the meeting place was, and to my infinite delight I had found that I was not late.

"Hey, Nath, I see you made it," Yang said as I approached her. I always loved her battle gear, the perfect combination of strong, badass and sexy. I'd have been crazy not to stare at her tits. At least, that's my excuse.

"Yeah, well, I would have made it a lot sooner if someone had bothered to wake me up," I said pointedly. I tried to keep my face serious, but my eyes sort of kept drifting downwards … and the crafty girl knew it, too.

"Jeez, Nath, you got something on your mind?" She crossed her arms together, squeezing her chest in the process and making even more of her cleavage show through her tight shirt.

I swallowed. "Oh, you know, the usual. Just having some sick fantasies involving you, a bed and a pair of handcuffs. I yearn for the day when those dreams will become realities!" I spoke in a dramatic tone, trying to sound as pathetic as humanly possible. Apparently it worked, too, if her laugh was anything to go by.

"Aw, don't worry," she cooed, lifting one of her hands to my cheek. I felt incredibly nervous despite the mock-affectionate gesture, because Ember Celcia was about five inches from my skull. "You be good and one day all your dreams will come true." She withdrew her hand and winked at me, and all I could do it think.

If only, I thought with a sigh. If it isn't clear to you by now, I had a serious thing for Yang. We were friends—her being the only girl around who was willing to be friends with someone as perverted as myself—and I enjoyed the friendship we shared. But … a lot of what I said to her was the truth; not only the kinky, sexual stuff, but the affectionate stuff, too. I'd been crushing on her for a few years by this point, and I was losing hope that my affections would ever honestly be returned. I knew that she was only teasing and joking, just as she thought I was, but still … What hope is there of that? Best just enjoy life as it comes, and maybe bang some of these babes while I'm here.

Seriously, some of the girls at this school were super cute!

"Hey, Nath!" said Yang, clicking her fingers in front of my face. As it turned out, my mind had wandered and I had started checking out the girls around me. For some reason I could not discern, Yang appeared slightly irritated. "Might wanna keep your head up top for a little while, yeah?"

"… Y-yeah," I said, rubbing the back of my neck with a sheepish smile on my face. "You're probably right. The initiation probably isn't going to be easy for us."

She shook her head at me, something between a smile and a frown on her face (I swear to God I didn't know what that was about), and walked away to talk to her sister.

"You should try paying her," a voice said from beside me. I turned my head and saw one of the guys from the night before—Timothy, I think. "And before you say anything, I'm not calling her a whore. I'm just saying that there are very few problems that can't be solved with money. Trust me, I know."

"Yes, I can tell you're quite an expert on the subject," I said in a deadpan. "I'm sure that you've tricked many a woman into bed by flashing a few lien in their faces. Oh no, wait … those were prostitutes!"

"Whoa! I'm sensing some hostility here!" He held his arms up in defence. "I was just kidding. You looked like you could take a joke, but apparently my skills at observation aren't nearly as good as they once were. You're Nathaniel, right?" I nodded. "Nice to meet you when we're not surrounded by arguing females."

"Likewise, Timmy-boy," I said with a grin.

"Never call me that again." He glared daggers at me. "It's bad enough having to put up with that idiot Sage constantly calling me Bethany. My name is Timothy, and I'd thank everyone to use it properly."

"Jeez, fine, I'm sorry." I scratched the back of my head sheepishly. "I was just joking. God, you'd think I just killed your fucking dog."

Silence reigned around us. It didn't take a genius to see why; hell, even Timothy and I went silent. Professor Ozpin and Professor Goodwitch had just arrived. We all took this as prompting, standing on the silver tiles that were set up around the cliff. I ended up on one between Timothy and that moody guy, Xavier.

After a few moments of silence, Ozpin spoke. "For years, you have trained to become warriors, and today, your abilities will be evaluated in the Emerald Forest."

"Now, I'm sure many of you have heard rumours about the assignment of teams," Goodwitch said. "Well, allow us to put an end to your confusion. Each of you will be given teammates … today."

Everyone was silent except for Ruby, who simply whined out, "What? Ooh …"

"These teammates will be with you for the rest of your time here at Beacon," Ozpin said. "So it is in your best interest to be pair with someone with whom you can work well."

Ruby groaned.

"That being said," Ozpin continued, "the first person you make eye contact with after landing will be your partner for the next four years."

"Whaaaaat!?" Ruby exclaimed.

"Oh, don't worry, Ruby," said the voice of that mental bastard, Sage. "I'm sure you'll get along well with your partner, whoever it is. Who wouldn't like you."

"I think I could name a few people …" I heard Timothy mutter from beside me.

"Oh, leave her alone," said Xavier. "She's a nice kid."

"See, I told you!" said an orange-haired girl who looked to have had a bit too much sugar that morning.

"After you've partnered up," Ozpin carried on, "make your way to the northern end of the forest. You will meet opposition along the way. Do not hesitate to destroy anything in your path … or you will die."

Some blonde guy made a loud gulping noise. It began to occur to me just how loud people were being for apparently no reason.

"You will be monitored and graded through the duration of your initiation, but our instructors will not intervene. You will find an abandoned temple at the end of the path containing several relics. Each pair must choose one and return to the top of the cliff. You will guard the item, as well as your standing, and grade you appropriately. Are there any questions?"

The blonde guy raised his hand shakily. "Yeah, um, sir?"

"Good," Ozpin said, completely ignoring him. "Now, take your positions."

We all got into one pose or another in anticipation. I simply crouched down a little and braced my knees for what was coming next.

"Uh, sir?" said the blonde guy again. "I've got, um … a question." Weiss, the snow bitch, was launched into the air on her tile. "So, this landing … strategy thing … Uh, wh-what is it? You're, like, dropping us off or something?"

Xavier, who was right next to me, got launched, and I braced myself again.

Before I was launched, I looked at Timothy to my right, and said, "Time for you guys to get a taste of my epic rebound."

And then I was launched into the air.

~XSTN~

Xavier's P.O.V.

I flew through the air after being launched, the wind rushing through my hair as I went, and I concentrated on where I was going. I flipped and jumped whenever I was going to hit something, spinning on occasion to avoid particularly nasty-looking collisions. My eyes were always alert for anything I could use to give myself a safe landing. This came in the form of a particularly thick tree branch directly ahead of me. I removed the Boomstick from its place on my back, made sure it was in axe form, and swung it down as I reached the branch. The axe stuck and I span a little around the branch; when the spinning stopped I dislodged the axe and allowed myself to drop to the floor of the Emerald Forest.

The first thing I noticed upon landing was the thickness of the plant-life and the shrubbery. The second thing I noticed was that I had landed directly in the centre of a pack of hungry-looking Beowolves. I could not help but feel slightly disappointed at how easy the start of the initiation was going to be. I began to think Damien was rubbing off on me a little too much.

I stood absolutely still, waiting. I liked it when the enemy made the first move; it made kicking their asses all the easier when they started charging at me mindlessly. Luckily I didn't have to wait too long. One of the Beowolves growled and charged me, the rest of the pack following along soon after.

I took my Boomstick, still in its axe form, and swung across at the charging Grimm. Three, maybe four, of them were caught in the swing, and soon vanished in a sea of their own blood. The others were undeterred and kept on charging at me. I brought my axe down on heads, backs, limbs, you name it. The creatures were so savage, so utterly without thought, that killing them was one of the easiest things any Huntsman/Huntress could possibly do. It took no time at all for me to wipe the fuckers out, leaving me alone in the clearing.

It did not last long, however, as I heard a growling noise behind me. I heard rapid footfalls and I turned around to be greeted by the sight of a leaping Beowolf. One flick of a switch later and my axe was a shotgun, sporting the same colour scheme and with one of the axe-heads on the top and one taking a place on the pump. I aimed above me head and pulled the trigger. The Beowolf's head disintegrated upon contact with the gunshot, sending its blood everywhere. Soon enough the blood and the remains of the Grimm dissolved into nothingness.

I then began walking through the forest.

"Well, that was borin'," Damien said. "You'd think that in a big forest like this, you would have at least had a pack o' Ursa to contend with."

You're … not wrong, I thought back. The walk was getting a little boring, and it didn't look like I was going to be encountering anything any time soon. So, who do you think I—or we depending on how you look at it—would work best with as a partner?

Damien hummed. "Not particularly sure, to be quite frank with you. Most of them are annoying little bastards. That red-cloaked girl has that annoyingly high-pitched voice, and the hyperactivity would fuckin' kill me. And that bloke Sage isn't exactly the kinda guy who's like to keep you sane … well, as sane as you can get at this point. Plus, the monkey-tailed little fuck would prob'ly just draw unnecessary attention … and I would wanna rip that fuckin' tail off all hours of the day."

Your racism is astounding as always. I was getting annoyed with Damien's negativity, but unfortunately I was stuck with it. Though … I suppose you're right that there are very few of them who I think I could get along with in a long-term situation. Maybe Blake, but other than her …

"Oh, yeah! The fit bird with the bow! I'd near enough forgot about her. Tell you what, mate, if you got on a team with her, you'd be one o' the luckiest fuckers in recent memory. You're already getting on well with her, now you've just gotta pounce!"

I'm not quite sure I appreciate what you're implying there. Though, I suppose I do get along rather well with her … what the hell is all this stuff, by the way?

I interrupted our conversation because of my new surroundings. Somehow this area of the forest was darker than the rest of it, and there was … stuff everywhere. It was white and almost like thread. It was sticking to the trees, the bushes, even the ground in certain areas. It was strange, yet something was telling me I'd seen it in large quantities before, just not on this large a scale …

"Erm … Xavier …" Damien said within my mind. "You might wanna … look up a little …"

I looked up. I froze. Then I panicked. Above me sat a giant spider, all black with white bone on its face and areas of its back. Its red eyes bore into my soul and I gulped nervously.

"Ah …" I said. "It would appear that I've walked into the lair of a Silkspinner … isn't that wonderful?" I began to get out my Boomstick, preparing to fight off the giant spider Grimm that sat before me. Unfortunately it would appear that fate had other plans. Before I could so much as move my arm an inch, it was down on the floor, charging me faster than any Beowolf could have hoped to. The Silkspinner itself was the size of a small Ursa, and when it reached me it bashed me aside with one of its legs. As it happens, there was a small cliff-like area just beside me, and I was sent flying off there, where I landed in a giant spider web.

Oh, could this get much worse? I asked myself.

"Hey, Xavier," said a familiar voice to my right. "Fancy seeing you here." I looked and saw that Sage was stuck in the web just beside me.

"Oh, you just had to go and fucking ask, didn't you!?" Damien yelled at me in rage.

"Hey … Sage …" I said. I realised that, since I had made eye-contact with him, he was now my partner. I mentally shuddered at the thought. "How did you end up here?"

"Oh, I landed here," he said as if it were nothing. He was grinning as per usual, which unnerved me given the situation we had found ourselves in. "You don't think spiders eat cake, do you?"

~XSTN~

Timothy's P.O.V.

I was bored again. Always so very bored. I mean, seriously!? I was in the middle of a forest infested with Grimm, completely on my own, and I was pretty sure I was on a time limit … I say 'pretty sure' because I wasn't listening to a single solitary word that Professor Ozpin said. Or Goodwitch. Or anyone, really, because I really didn't give a shit at the time.

It wasn't even that nothing had happened since I'd landed. I had been attacked by a few Beowolves, and that was about it. There was on Ursa, I think, but by that point I was too bored to pay too much attention to the things I was killing. It would have had to be an Ursa Minor, then, because otherwise I definitely would have remembered fighting the damn thing.

There was so little for me to do but walk that I actually began to wonder what the challenge was supposed to be. I vaguely remembered something about a temple, but that's about it. People say that I need to pay more attention, but fuck that; I just make it up as I go along, and it's worked just fine for me so far. Hell, I managed to get rich by taking life by the balls without planning anything, and I didn't even end up famous! The means by which I became rich are … unimportant, but the point still stands that just going along life without a plan will always be the best way of doing it!

I was brought out of the random reflection of my life by a new sound. There was … slashing, and … and gunfire. Not exactly the Excitement Express, but it was something. I made my way towards the sounds of obvious combat and eventually heard some roaring to go along with the fighting noises. I began to rush a little; not out of care or concern for the person I was hearing, you understand, but just the thought that I might be missing something that's actually interesting.

As it turned out, I was quite right to hurry. That guy, Nathaniel, the one I had spoken to earlier, with his broad shoulders and his less-than-attractive face, was fighting off … five fucking Ursa! Five! How the fucking hell did he even get into a position where he would have to fight five fucking Ursa!?

It boggled my mind that he had somehow found himself in this situation, but then something happened that made me want to shoot myself (which I unfortunately couldn't do since my weapon is melee only): our eyes met. My partner for the next four years was the guy who had been offended so easily by one prostitute joke. I was apparently going to be stuck working with a guy who had no sense of humour, and that prospect mortified me.

"You know, I could use a little help here if it's not too much trouble!" he yelled at me. He was fighting with two hatchets, but since I had heard gunshots earlier I assumed they could also transform into something else. "Seriously, prozzie-botherer, some help would be really cool right about now!"

I sighed, pulled Solid Snake from its place on my waist, currently in whip form, and charged forwards. I held the whip over my head, carefully lining up my shot, and flung it forwards, causing it to wrap around the neck of the nearest Ursa. I used the momentum to jump and swing, landing atop the Grimm's head. It tried flinging me off, but I held my grip well. I pressed a switch in the handle of Solid Snake and it transformed into blade form, its edges sharpening while still wrapped around the Ursa's neck. The result was a sliced throat and a dead Ursa, its body dissolving beneath me as I jumped off.

One down, four to go … or three, I thought as I looked around me. Nathaniel had his two hatchets buried in the two eyes of one of the Ursa, bringing the count down to three just as I'd thought. The two of us got together and stood back to back, turning around so we could keep an eye on the three bear Grimm that were currently growling maliciously at us.

Then they charged.

Apparently me and my new partner had exactly the same idea, because we both ducked down and slid away, causing the three Ursa to collide together in the centre of where we had just been standing. Taking the initiative, I leapt forwards and drove my sword through the neck of one of them, decapitating it while it was still dazed.

I turned towards the other two, which had recovered, and they both stood glaring, one at me and the other at Nathaniel.

I had no time to pay attention to what Nathaniel was doing. I just charged towards the Ursa, it doing the same towards me, and swung my sword at it. It brought up its claws for a swipe and managed to block me, but I transformed Solid Snake into whip form, wrapped it around the claws, and was flung upwards into the air. I transformed my rather fantastic weapon back into sword form, and I brought it down straight, piercing the Ursa right through the back on its left side, where I knew its soulless heart resided.

As the Ursa vaporised, I turned to look at how Nathaniel's fight was going. He was riding the Ursa, his two hatchets embedded in its back, and he was whooping in excitement. All of a sudden his hatchets seemed to jump out of the Ursa's skin, combining together to form … a motherfucking sniper rifle! He grinned at me and winked, then pointed the rifle downwards, shooting off a rather loud shot directly into the Ursa's skull. I saw blood and brain matter explode everywhere as the Ursa collapsed, disintegrating.

"Whoo, that was fun!" Nathaniel said as he walked up to me. He patted me on the back roughly. "Nice sword play there … Tim, was it? And you're into whips and shit? That's cool, man, nice and kinky." He grinned and chuckled perversely. "I should stop saying shit like that. That's how I got all those restraining orders."

I decided to ignore that last piece of information. "Well, for a start, it's Timothy, and don't you ever shorten it again," I said. "And secondly, very nice work with the hatchets, and that gunshot was a hell of a finisher." I was grown-up enough to admit that I was impressed with someone … even if I didn't particularly like admitting it. "So, we're partners now, I guess. You wanna head out?"

"Yeah, sure," he said. He turned his sniper back into the two hatchets and holstered them on his back. "Man, I hope this ends soon. I've gotta find me some titties to squeeze, pronto!"

"Suddenly I understand those restraining orders you mentioned," I said with a dry chuckle.

Nathaniel burst into laughter.

~XSTN~

Sage's P.O.V.

"I mean, I can't imagine that spiders eat cake, but don't you think it's a possibility? I mean, they can't live on just flies, can they? That would seriously put a dent in the abilities of your taste buds. I mean, personally, I can't fucking stand spiders, nasty creatures, but I think I'd be okay with them if they gave me something tasty like cake or cookies or candy floss …"

The one talking was me, Sage, and the one I was talking to was my new pal/partner Xavier. He had an odd look on his face like he wanted to hit me, but that couldn't have been it. Why would he want to hit me? I was only trying to make conversation.

The Silkspinner was approaching, but that was all right. There was no danger from that thing. It was just a big spider – though I admit that I fucking hate spiders. Those eight-legged freaks can all go and die for all I care!

"You know, Sage," said Xavier suddenly. There was a vein popping out on his forehead. "As interesting as this talk of sugar-based party foods is, I'm rather worried about the fact we're about to be eaten the fuck alive!"

"Jeez, no need to shout," I said. "I'm just trying to be friendly." The Silkspinner roared at us. I turned to it. "Do you mind? This conversation has nothing to do with you! You're just an eight-legged freak with less intelligence than the average gym teacher!" The damn thing roared at me again. "Why are all you Grimm so fucking rude?"

I got no reply and I did not wait for one. Using my rather brilliant Semblance, I was simply behind the Silkspinner. I had My Little Friends out in their gun forms. I could feel my gigantic smirk threatening to rip my face apart. I then pulled the triggers on both in rapid succession as fast as I could manage. Its blood and bone exploded everywhere as the Grimm's body went limp and fell from its place on the small cliff, landing in a part of its own web and disappearing.

"You …" Xavier seemed at a loss for words. His mouth was gaping open. "You … you just teleported behind a Silkspinner … shot it thirty-six times—"

"Thirty-seven," I corrected him. I smirked at his bewildered expression. "Need a hand?" I asked.

~XSTN~

Nathaniel's P.O.V.

I decapitated another Beowolf with one of the Siamese Twins and just stepped over its rapidly dissolving body. I was walking with my new partner, Timothy, and we were casually chatting as these weak-ass Werewolf wannabes kept trying to charge us. Needless to say, they didn't keep their lives for very long after they showed themselves.

"So, how do you think Beacon's gonna be in comparison to other schools?" I asked as we walked. "I know it's supposed to be the best combat school there is, but it's still just a school, right?"

"For the most part, yes," said Timothy. "But I hear the actual combat part of this can get a little harrowing depending on how good you are. They take that stuff really seriously … but it's not like I'm going to take it seriously."

I hummed. "Well, shouldn't expect anything else, I guess. I mean, we are supposed to be the future defenders of the world. God, that makes it sound so cliché."

Timothy laughed. "You know what, Nathaniel? You're all right. I was afraid you were just going to be some kind of mega-perverted retard."

"Oh, I am," I said with a grin. "But I'm a functional mega-perverted retard. You know how many perverts can say they don't get beaten up on a regular basis? None but me, my new friend, none but me."

Timothy looked like he was about to say something else, but we were both snapped out of our conversation by one of the most high-pitched screams I had ever heard. It echoed through the jungle and was probably heard by everyone – and everything – in there.

"Sounds like a damsel in distress need saving." I smirked. "I wonder how she'll offer thanks? I've always wanted to have a 'get the girl' moment."

"First thing: I'm ninety-nine percent sure that was a guy," said Timothy, causing me to deflate in disappointment. "Second thing: we should probably hurry our asses up and help, unless you want some poor fucker's death on your conscience."

"Good point," I agreed. "Though, to be fair, I could probably live with it after the first week."

And so we took off running through the Emerald Forest. I had the slight idea about punching this dude in distress when we found him as punishment for making me think he was a woman—whether that was intentional or not. We came across more Beowolves across the way, but they were swiftly dealt with. Sometimes I wondered why we even saw those things as a threat. They were so pathetic that I was often tempted to tie one up and take it home, then raise it as my loyal pet. Unfortunately there were laws preventing that after some guy tried it and got mauled. The video is on OumTube, and it's actually quite entertaining.

It took us no time at all to reach a clearing, and it took even less time for me to realise that it was conveniently exactly what we were looking for. It was an old temple with a pedestal of sorts in the centre. The temple itself was in ruins; apparently somebody had already been there and had either had a fight or just decided to trash the place. There was also the likely possibility that it had just crumbled from age, but that would be nowhere near as interesting.

Then there was my personal favourite feature of the place: apparently Yang had beaten us there. She was there with that Blake girl, which made me assume that she was her partner, and the two of them seemed to be looking around in curiosity. I think they heard the scream, too.

"And I thought this forest was just full of hideous beasts," I said casually as Timothy and I walked into the clearing. "What vision of loveliness stands here before me? An illusion? A witch's spell? Answer me, oh wonderful apparition!"

"You can put up with this shit?" Timothy asked sarcastically, pointing one of his thumbs in my direction. "I've seen priests who do better flirting than this."

"Does Yang look like an eight year old boy to you?" I asked him.

"Nice to see you, Nath," greeted Yang, probably just to stop this argument from going any further. "And, er … whoever the hell you are." Timothy looked quite offended. "But we're a little focused on the, you know, screaming."

"You mean the high-pitched wail from hell itself?" I asked. She nodded. "Well, according to Timmy-boy here, that was a man."

"… You're kidding?" both Yang and her partner (Blake, if I recall correctly) said at once. They seemed hopeful that we were joking.

"No, it was definitely a bloke," said Timothy. Yang groaned loudly and Blake shook her head in disbelief. "Hey, audience, does anyone else think Justin Bieber himself facepalmed at this scene?"

"Who the hell are you talking to?" Yang asked.

"Doesn't matter," Timothy and I said at the same time. Yeah, that's right, I can break the fourth wall, too, bitches!

Our whaky hijinx was interrupted by a rather loud and intimidating roar from the forest somewhere. It drew all of our attentions to it … well, all except for Blake, who appeared to be staring into the sky at something.

"Did you guys hear that?" Yang asked us. Timothy and I nodded, but Blake continued to stare upwards. "What should we do?"

"I say we take a relic and get the hell out of dodge," I said, putting a hand in the air as if we were in class.

Any further interaction we may have had, however, was cut short by a loud sound from above us. I think you'll agree that it was quite the compelling reason to stop our conversation.

"Heads uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!" cried a dismayed voice from above us. Looking up, I could see instantly that it was Ruby … and she was falling towards us at a rapid pace. This was a terrifying prospect, but fortunately that blonde guy—Jaune, I think—came flying through the air and out of the forest at that exact moment and collided with her, breaking her fall … and somehow landing them both in a tree. "Ooooooh … what was that?" she asked, her head spinning.

Jaune cleared his throat and Ruby looked down at him. "Hey, Ruby …" he said miserably.

"Did your sister just fall from the sky?" Blake asked Yang, still looking at the tree. So were the rest of us, for that matter.

"I…" Yang said, trying to speak but finding no words. Either that or what happened next threw her off.

Out of the trees charged a growling Ursa … which was hit by a pink blast of energy and collapsed to the ground immediately, throwing an orange-haired girl I'd never seen before off its back. She cheered like some sort of cowgirl as she jumped away from the corpse, which was oddly refusing to dissolve. She looked back at the Ursa and her expression turned sad.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaw … it's broken …" she said.

A black-haired guy I'd also never seen before ran out of the forest in the same direction that the girl had come through. "Nora!" he said in an out-of-breath voice. "Please … don't ever do that again."

She was already gone. In fact, she was over by the chess pieces on the pedestals eyeing up a rook piece. She picked it up with enthusiasm and then began to … sing?

"I'm queen of the castle~ I'm queen of the castle~"

"NORA!" shouted the guy who had come in with her.

The girl, who I now knew as Nora, stopped dancing and singing and saluted at him. "Coming, Ren!" she said enthusiastically as she walked back to him.

"What the actual fuck is going on right now?" I asked as I observed the scene. Even my perversions had been put on hold in the face of such intense strangeness.

"Did that girl just ride in on an Ursa?" Blake asked.

"I think I might be hallucinating," Timothy said beside me.

"I…" Yang tried once again to speak, but once again something cut her off.

A screech sounded to our right, and out of the woods ran a girl with fiery red and yellow hair in what appeared to be some sort of revealing armour. I was not going to complain about that. What I will complain about, however, is the GIANT FUCKING DEATHSTALKER that came out after her. It swung a claw at her, which she dodged.

"Jaune!" she shouted when she saw him.

"Pyrrha!" Jaune yelled back.

Ruby stood up on the branch she and Jaune were on. "Whoa!" she yelled when she saw the Deathstalker. She proceeded to jump off the branch and land on the ground with a roll.

"Ruby!" Jaune whined.

"Ruby!" Yang also yelled when Ruby landed next to her.

"Yang!" Ruby exclaimed. She raised her arms to give Yang a hug.

"Nora!" Nora yelled, jumping in between the two sisters.

"Timothy!" Timothy also yelled, a giant grin on his face as he played along with the joke.

And then I added in my two lien. "Nathaniel the fine and sexy!" I yelled.

"Did she just run all the way here with a Deathstalker on her tail?" asked Blake, the only one apparently who was still paying attention to the girl, who I now knew as Pyrrah, being chased around by the big-ass scorpion Grimm.

My blood froze a little as I heard Yang growl.

"I can't take it any more!" she shouted, erupting into flames, her eyes turning red. "Can everyone just chill out for two seconds before something crazy happens again!?"

Apparently we couldn't.

Out of the forest ran Xavier and Sage. They were covered with a lot of what looked like white thread, which they were trying desperately to scrape off of their bodies.

"Oh, thank God, actual people!" Xavier exclaimed with relief upon seeing us. "This forest is fucking crazy!"

"Yeah," Sage agreed. For the first time the grin was not on his face, but an expression of deep relief was. "That eight-legged bastard was a lot bigger than the other one …" He looked to see Pyrrah being chased by the Deathstalker. "Oh, God, that's some Clash of the Titans shit right there."

"What the spider-bitten hell is Clash of the Titans?" Xavier asked.

"Fuck if I know," said Sage.

"Um … guys …" Ruby said, pointing upwards nervously.

We all looked, and there, clinging to a big-ass Nevermore like her life depended on it—which it sort of did—was Weiss Schnee.

"Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me …" I said under my breath. Not even a day in, and I was already considering dropping out of Beacon and seeking psychiatric help.

"How could you leave me!?" shouted Weiss, though her voice was little more than an echo from down here.

"I said 'jump'," Ruby shouted back up.

"She's gonna fall," Blake said.

"She'll be fine," Ruby said, brushing off the concern.

"She's falling," said the guy who Nora had called Ren.

And it was true, she was. I could see Jaune in the tree preparing to do some sort of heroic bullshit, but much to his disappointment Timothy got there first. He ran forwards, jumped into the air, and caught Weiss as Jaune was about to jump. It was quite an impressive display.

"Nice of you to drop by," Timothy said after they'd safely landed. He still hadn't put her down yet, I noticed. "Damn, that pun was horrible. I'm so sorry." He put her down.

I couldn't help but notice that there was a slight blush on her face as Timothy held her.

It would seem that Timmy-boy was gonna get lucky!

I had intended to get the whole initiation out of the way here, but I decided that the big fight scene should have its own chapter, so that'll be picked up on next time. I do not promise to be quicker, as I have a bunch of other stories that are easier for me to write. That's not to say I don't enjoy this - I do - it's just that most of this is going to be interaction between my OC (Xavier) and my friends' OCs, and fight scenes (which I have never been particularly good at writing). So this is difficult for me, but I find it fun nonetheless.

Now, one of my other friends has created his own RWBY team of characters. He wanted me to incorporate them into the story, but they are too OP for me to use and still keep the story relatively balanced. So, instead, I have chosen to do omakes at the end of each chapter featuring them. The team is called CMRA, and I hope you enjoy this little piece of humorous randomness. Their creator is on the site as Catlord9001, so credit where credit is due.

The team known as CMRA (Chimera) were one of the more ... unique teams at Beacon Academy. 'Unique' in this context means 'batshit insane to the point of actual ridiculousness'.

First we have the leader: Charles Fredrick Steele, better known to his friends as Chuck Falcon Norris (yes, he chose the nickname because of his massive ego). He was a falcon Faunus, as his choice in nickname may tell you, and he had a lanky build with dark brown feathers for hair. He was always (I repeat, always) seen wearing a leather aviator jacket and a pair of shades which obscured his eyes from view. His weapons were a pair of razor-edged boomerangs which he called The Talons of the Badass. They transformed into a pair of blade-fingered gloves.

Then we have Mai'iq, a liger Faunus of a special nature, basically meaning he looked more animal than human. He had a great, shaggy mane and a plaited beard. He wore nothing but a kilt and he had so much body hair you could not see an inch of his skin anywhere other than his face. His weapon was a huge chainsword (a sword hybridised with a chainsaw), so big in fact that it shouldn't have been humanly possible to lift it. It had the ability to morph into an anti-tank rifle and he called it the Goliath Slayer

Richard Head, better known as Dick Head, was a snake Faunus. He had two slits for nostrals but no visible nose. His body was covered in dull green scales, but he had the ability to make them whatever colour he wished. His distinct lack of eyebrows and snake-like eyes made him truly intimidating. He carried a set of twelve dirks, each strapped to a different part of his body, and each one with the ability to turn into a Desert Eagle. He called them the Hydra's Fangs.

Finally, there is Albert Steele, and he was a cyborg. He had ginger hair, the same lanky build as his brother Charles (one of their parents had been human, the other a Faunus; Charles and Albert got opposite sides of the coin), and one of his eyes, plus the majority of his body, was robotic. He always carried with him a classy, gilded walking cane which had a laser blaster at the tip and a multi-dust blaster in the handle. He had never named it, so the others merely referred to it as Albert's Cane.

So, what were they doing at the moment?

Well, Charles was beating the shit out of a team of racist assholes, and the rest of his team were sitting in deck-chairs eating popcorn.

The Talons of the Badass were flying around the room in circles until one of them hit Sky Lark in the back, not killing him but causing him to double over in pain and pass out from the blood loss.

"Do you guys ever think that this is too easy for us?" asked Dick as he swallowed a mouthful of popcorn. "Don't get me wrong, I enjoy kicking the shit out of people, but it's no fun if it's too easy."

"Mai-iq knows what you speak of," said Mai-iq. His unique speech patterns oddly enough never confused anyone. "Mai-iq's speed makes kicking crap out of lowly human trash far too simple task. Mai-iq wishes to have actual fight."

One of the Talons of the Badass returned to Charles and became a clawed glove. "Freddy Krueger style, motherfuckers!" he yelled as he beat the ever-loving shit out of the three remaining members of team CRDL.

"You see, you never get entertainment like this at the movies," Alber said in observation. "You get the violence, sure, but it's never as satisfying as watching the real thing. YEAH, BRO! SHANK THAT PRICK!" His robotic eye took in every detail of the fight and he grinned in satisfaction.

By the time it was over, CRDL had to go to the infirmary with both wounded pride and body parts, and CMRA were full of popcorn and pumped to go and eat lunch.

Because God knows those guys had stomachs like the abyss!