James Vincent McMorrow - And If My Heart Should Somehow Stop

IRIS' POV:

There was a knock on my door that took my attention away from my the blank laptop screen I'd been staring at for the past hour. My dad stood in my door.

"Hey, sweetie. I wanted to talk to you about something."

"If it's about Tony then I'm fine. You're not worried about him, are you?"

He shook his head. "No, the Arrow dropped him off at the precinct. I guess him and The Flash are buddies." His eyes sad. "You have some guardian angels looking out for you." He lingered for a moment too long without saying anything.

"What? Have you heard some news?" My heart rate picked up.

He came to sit on my desk. "You're just distant."

I rose from my desk chair. "Dad, I lost a childhood friend. We have no idea where he is if he's okay. What do you want me to say?"

"That you're okay, that you're not mad at me." He rubbed his hands together, his eyes low. "You blame me for Barry being missing."

With a sigh, I folded my arms across my chest. "I do not." I cocked my head to the side.

He met my eyes. "I can practically feel you pulling away from me every time I'm around."

I scoffed. "That's not true."

He gave me a hard look. "Yes, it is. I can tell when my own daughter is going through something and you haven't-"

My anger rose and I knew it was misplaced, but I couldn't hold it back. "I'm not going through anything! I'm just trying to get everything done and continue living my life without any guilt or doubt, and I don't need you telling me there's a problem when there isn't a problem, okay?!"

It went without saying that there were things my dad obviously didn't know, like my dating slash using Eddie for a distraction, his soon to be partner. Or how I thought it was my fault Barry went missing.

He nodded as he backed out of my room.

"Dad," I started to apologize.

He kept walking.

Fucking fantastic.

Frustrated, I left my AP homework and put on some running shoes. I wasn't very fast, but somehow in the big pile of crap that you could call my life running seemed to give me a few minutes of mindless peace. Well, that and I needed to stay in shape because holidays were around the corner and I needed to lose a few pounds before I gain any...if that makes sense.

With my headphones in my ears, I bumped No Apologies by Jussie Smollett and Yazz as loud as I could. The cold air seeped into my body as my lungs pumped in and out. I needed this. There was every doubt in my mind that I would always be tied to Barry Allen and even if I never found out what happened to him I would always care about him, love him. That wouldn't change.

My feet got confused and I stumbled to the cold hard ground with the realization that I was in love with a guy that could be dead at this very moment. My heart ached in my chest, thumped in heightened heartache. The only thing that change was that my tears had dried up in the last months and I couldn't cry anymore so I just picked myself up and ran harder, not knowing where my feet were taking me until I was panting outside of the Park MMA gym.

I took in the closed building, the smell of sweat and hard work. The strength that seemed to pull me in when I saw myself in the glass reflection of the door. All broken and transparent. The longer I stared at myself the angrier I become. My fists tightened at my side. How ridiculous would I look in there?

Needing to flee, I started on the way back to my house. The nights approached sooner in the winter. Everything around me was surrounded in darkness and it made me uneasy.

The house was empty when I got back. My dad was probably at work. The shower had my name on it. I stepped in and roughly scrubbed my body in the hot water beating down on me. For a while I just stood under the stream, zoned out, and then my hands pushed my curling hair back on my head. The curls that Barry had been encouraging me to bring back.

A moment later, my hands reached to turn off the shower. I went through the motions like I usually did, not thinking about it, just doing until I stood in front of my foggy bathroom mirror. My hand swiped across the mirror, revealing a curly haired Iris West. I was too tired to focus on how I just referred to myself in the third person. So I just stared at my reflection long and hard. Normally, my straightened hair was to my boobs, but in it's natural state it was just past my shoulders, my curls kinky.

If I was going to do this I needed to act fast before shrinkage ruined my opportunity. I separated my hair into two halves and pinned one side up. I quickly found my hair products underneath the sink. All I really needed was water, oil, leave in conditioner, and some grease so I won't get flakey. Nobody wants that. After applying all and rubbing it into my hair well enough, I began two strand twisting my hair into medium sized twists. It had been awhile, but I still had it. I mean, I did this every month to make sure my hair was healthy. Now I was just planning on wearing my curls rather than straightening them away.

My good ole satin cap that was tucked away in my bottom dresser drawer came in handy. I had satin pillow cases so there really wasn't a need to wear on a regular basis. I stuffed my hair underneath the satin cap and washed my hands. Looking at myself in the mirror I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. A small something Barry gave to me. If it weren't for him I wouldn't have had the courage to do this, sadly. Well, you never know. I do know, however, he made me feel beautiful with natural hair and that meant a lot to me.

Running had taken a lot out of me, energy I didn't usually have, so I made my way to bed. Only I crossed the yard and made my way up the stairs and into Barry's bedroom. My heart ached every time I entered. Seeing the blue walls, the blue and green plaid sheets, his soccer posters, and his memories made me give a hopeful grin. I went to his closet, my fingers ran over each item. Would he ever wear any of this again?

I grabbed a random shirt and threw it on like every night so far and made my way to his bed. When I first started doing this I thought it was really creepy of me and I worried that I needed counseling more than ever...I probably still do, but I'd come to terms with it. This was me keeping Barry close to me. When Henry first found me in here he didn't know what to do. Barry being gone had scared him to no end. He lost a bunch of weight. He had to take time off of work. I think the guilt ate at him more than anything. He knew he wasn't there for his son the way he should've been all these years. The truth was I didn't know why Barry ran away if that's what happened. I wanted to believe that's what happened because the alternative was too sickening to think about. I think we all shared the guilt equally about not knowing if we pushed him away somehow. If something we did made him vulnerable to an attack. The not knowing was the worst. It would always be the worst. How do you move on from something like that if you could never get any closer? The police couldn't give us any answers, which was incredibly odd and convenient.

My phone buzzed on the bed. Cisco's face popped up.

I answered, "Hey,"

"You think we'll ever see him again?"

Not at all thrown off by his abruptness, I mulled it over carefully. I was tired of hoping so, but it was the only thing I had left. "Yes." And no.

I wanted to tell him about the MMA gym, Linda's family's gym, but it was stuck in my throat. Maybe I was embarrassed to even voice that I had thought I could handle a place like that. But I wanted to handle a place like that.

Although all we really did was hold each other up I was grateful he was there for me. I wasn't sure how I'd cope without him. I'd like to think I would've been fine, but the truth is Cisco helped me through a lot.

"You know, Barry would've wanted you to be happy with Eddie, if that's what you wanted."

I nodded. "Yeah, I know. Same to you."

"Oh, nothing-nothing's going on with me and Linda." He stammered adorably.

I gave a small smile. "Night Cisco." I hung up.

CAITLIN'S POV:

"Hey," A familiar voice called.

I looked up from the cleaning the tables to see Ronnie strutting my way. With an eyeroll I gave him a mock smile. "Don't you have another local coffee house barista to bother?"

He grinned. "No," He leaned forward. "I like this in particular."

"How nice of you to grace Jitters with your presence every day, but I think you should back off the caffeine, Ronnie."

"And not be able to see my favorite fake lesbian barista everyday?"

I chuckled. "I'm not a fake lesbian." I went back to wiping tables.

"Oh, yeah. Cuz I could tell from across the room we might be into each other, you're move." He smirked.

My hand patted him on the shoulder as I made a disappointed face. "That was terrible. What cheesy movie did you get that from?"

"The Duff, which just so happens to be a lovely teen movie that my little sister dragged me to." He followed me. "So what time do you get off? I'm bored."

I gave him a look. "How's your sister?"

His blue eyes saddened. "She's okay. Her treatments are tiring, but it seems to be working." He gave a tight grin. "Thanks."

I nodded. "You should be spending time with her."

His jaw hardened. "Just because my sister is going through chemo doesn't meant I can't have a life outside of her."

I knew this was a sore subject with him. Annie was a beautiful eleven year old who had the misfortune of being diagnosed with breast cancer. Ronnie felt like he was smothering her already and his parents kind of dumped her on him and his older brother. He could've been in college by now, but he missed a lot of school to take care of her. A lot of people looked at him and judged what was on the outside. I couldn't imagine the pressure he was carrying around.

"I get off at seven," I offered a grin.

He nodded before heading up to the second story to study.

With a huff, I returned to cleaning.

BARRY'S POV:

"Ahh!" I screamed as I was rammed into a cement wall by a guy three times my size, his switchblade sunk into my stomach. The wind knocked out of me, I fell to the ground. The pain registered, but I knew how to use it and push forward. I flashed behind him and threw him a few feet away, throwing the weapon a good enough distance away.

Jeffers grunted as I uppercut him. He stumbled back dazed. "You think you can take me? You're just a boy." He smirked.

Needing to prove myself I stowed away my speed, like I'd done in training. Size didn't matter if you didn't know how to fight and this guy was just some middle man for the real threat.

The impact of my kick to his stomach knocked the wind out of him as he fell to the ground. I punched, my knuckles bruised and bloodied. He shoved me off of him as he shakily stood on his feet.

"Not bad." He charged me.

My arms blocked his hit to the stomach and face. It was easy to anticipate your opponent's next move when you tuned into their body. Listen to their breathing patterns, look at their footing, the flinch of their hands. You just had to know how to look for those signs. He didn't. So when I dragged I punched him in the throat he didn't see it coming and his hands clutched at his neck. I dropped down to ram my elbow into his stomach before I kicked his thigh hard enough to break the bone. He cried out, clutching his leg in his hands..

"Tell me what I want to know,"

He glared up at me. "Go to hell you freak."

Annoyed, I kicked his feet from under him, my foot on his throat. "Who's coming to pick up the shipment tomorrow?" I let up the pressure on his neck.

"Go fuck yourself." His hands grabbed my leg and tried to push it off.

I let him so I could kick him in the side.

"Ahh!"

I squatted to his level. "Listen, I don't want to hurt you, but my partner, he likes to hear bones crack and necks snap. He's creepy that way. So if you don't tell me what I want to know by the time he gets here his'll be the last face you see."

He gave an amused chuckle. "You think I'm afraid of the Arrow? If I talk my whole family will be dead, you don't mess around with Patel."

"If you talk now you have time to get your family away or you could die tonight. You're choice."

"It's not that simple." He begged. "Please, I won't tell anyone you were here."

"What about me?"

I looked up to see Oliver coming our way.

Jeffers tried to crawl away, but Oliver stomped on his freshly broken leg, making him cry out in agony.

"Andrew Jeffers tell me when the shipment of Vertigo is coming in."

"I can't, man. He'll kill my family." He begged, fear in his eyes.

Oliver and I shared a look, only I wanted Oliver to spare him, but I knew this guy wasn't going to make it either way. Warren Patel was a dangerous drug lord who Oliver had went toe to toe with a few times, but his endless supply of middle men was what kept him out of jail. Patel was careful. Almost as careful as Oliver.

Oliver drew his arm back, his arrow ready. "One last chance."

He recoiled. "Please, I have a family. A little girl. They need me." He held his hands up protectively.

"Then talk!"

An uneasy pit sat in my stomach.

"Okay, okay!" Jeffers cried. "The shipment is coming at eleven tomorrow night, about five crates. The ship is going to be crawling with Patel's men. There's even a few officers in his pocket that'll be down here. That enough?"

Oliver drew his bow and released the arrow so fast the kill has to be painless. I stared at Anthony Jeffers with an arrow sticking through his head as blood pooled around his body. Oliver started down the street.

There was nothing I could do to help people like Jeffers. They were already criminals, already enjoying getting their hands dirty. They liked being bad. In between Starling and Central city I got a good mix of metahumans and regular criminals. I was grateful that Oliver took me under his wing, grateful that he was teaching me how to be safer, how to be more strategic and precise. My family was safe. Yeah, they didn't know where I was, but at least they were alive.

The part that I hated the most was watching people die. That's not why I became The Flash. It kept me up at night. If they only knew what I'd become they'd never look at me the same. Cisco and Joe wouldn't look at me the same. Iris would be disgusted.

Oliver waited for me a few feet away, the switchblade in his hand. "You need to dress that when you get home."

My hand went to my bloodied stomach. Like I was planning on bleeding out before the night was over and letting infection set it. I took the knife in my hand and stayed silent. He knew this was my least favorite part. I knew that honestly, Oliver was probably doing more good than harm by killing these guys. Less crime and all. But still, they were humans and taking their lives was something he could do without a blink of an eye. I wasn't there yet. I would never be there. I was worried that he waiting for me to be there in order to finish my training.

"Good job, tonight."

I nodded.