A/N: Another long chapter. Once again, you owe the nice flow to silhouettedswallow – her comments and help are a gift!
All songs are on the Spotify playlist, just search "chelsiesouloftheabbey" and select "Music of the Heart."
Enjoy! Reviews and suggestions welcome. I've got a couple more surprises ahead, but we ARE winding down now. Thank you for all the love!
All I can taste is this moment,
and all I can breathe is your life
When sooner or later it's over,
I just don't want to miss you tonight.
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
~"Iris," by The Goo Goo Dolls
Dinner was delicious, and Elsie and Charles couldn't have been more at ease. As they ate they chatted about familiar things: how Mrs. Patmore was treating Daisy more like a daughter these days; how Lady Mary was taking more of a leadership role in the running of Downton because she would be losing Mr. Branson; how young Master George and Miss Sybbie so remarkably resembled the parents they'd never know, and what a blessing that was to those who remained; how Mr. Barrow was finally acting more like a respectable member of the house's leadership. They talked about the upcoming holidays and the Servants' Ball that would follow, each secretly looking forward to it more than ever, thinking maybe, finally, this year we'll dance with ONE ANOTHER. It was just like most evenings that they spent together, and Elsie was grateful for it. She truly felt she'd be able to slip back into her "Housekeeper Elsie" persona … thanks to this wonderful, thoughtful man and his patience and love.
The idea of having no real responsibilities until the next day was strange, but it was hardly unwelcome. Both Elsie and Charles realized they needed this precious time together tonight, away from prying eyes and curious ears, and were trying to make the most of the few hours they had left. She was looking forward to seeing everyone for more than a brief greeting in the morning, but was eternally grateful for this afternoon and evening to spend as she chose. For his part, Charles enjoyed watching the Elsie he'd always loved come back bit by bit, knowing he was in some small way responsible for that. A meal of her favorite foods and wine had truly calmed her, and he imagined he could see her wounded heart healing before his very eyes. As he led their conversation to more familiar topics of life at the house, of the children (both "theirs" and those not their own), he could see the light returning to her eyes.
Each knew their relationship was now monumentally different, but they had not yet discussed it at all. Everything they had experienced today was both familiar and new: wine and conversation, quiet time reflecting on the family, soothing voices and carefree laughter – comfortably familiar; holding hands, brief glances filled with an undeniable attraction, the sharing of stories and the freedom to embrace and calm and love – fabulously new. They were still the same people, yet both had changed immeasurably. Each felt as if they'd taken that last crucial step to meet the other, finally coming toe-to-toe in a place where they could veer off in a new direction, fully and truly side-by-side in every way possible. Each knew that promises would be made, that things would be altered forever … and that it would not all happen tonight. Tonight was for laying the details of their pasts in front of each other, finally putting the past to rest so they could be on equal footing as they began their precious, new journey toward their future.
The meal done, Elsie rose and collected their plates. Charles started to object, and she silenced him with a stern look. "Not one word, Charles. After arranging this lovely dinner, this lovely evening, you will do no such thing. I'll only be a moment." She headed over to the sink, then paused. "There is running water, I presume?"
"Yes, but that's about it for the moment. The heating needs to be updated, and there is barely any furniture except for this kitchen set. I think there might be a small end table upstairs in one of the bedrooms …" he trailed off.
Elsie blushed faintly at the thought. Upstairs … oh, yes … and how many bedrooms are there, I wonder? Her color deepened, and she was grateful she had her back to Charles at that moment, managing once again (barely) to get her racing heart under control. "Tell me more about the house," she said after she'd collected herself. "It's so beautiful."
"Well, as you can see the kitchen needs little work. An electric refrigerator will be coming – I know, I know, you'd not have expected it from me, but I think it's a good investment. The plumbing has been updated and I think a hot water system can be easily installed before the winter truly sets in. The parlour is fairly large with a newly-laid hearth. Upstairs are (deep breath …) two bedrooms, one with a new en-suite, and there's a smaller, second bath tucked in at the end of the hallway. The cottage is much bigger than it looked from outside because an addition was put on years ago, and no one wanted to change the façade of the actual building. All in all, it's quite spacious. Oh, and there's a garden out back that's lovely in the summertime – roses, mostly, with an assortment of chrysanthemums and various greenery."
Elsie sighed happily as she finished drying their dishes and silverware, placing them on the counter as she did so. "It sounds wonderful, Charles. Perhaps you can show me around as soon as I've finished?"
"I'd be happy to, of course. Let me move these chairs into the parlour and get a fire going, and then I'll do just that."
Elsie nodded. Even wood for the fire … the man had thought of everything, truly. And he KNOWS chrysanthemums are my favorite flowers. Of course he does. Shaking her head and smiling brightly, Elsie followed him into the parlour.
"Ah, I see it was not an understatement on your part – there's no furniture in this room whatsoever!" she laughed.
She watched as Charles knelt down in front of the fireplace, expertly arranging the kindling. He lit the match and the fire started blazing immediately. As the sun was setting the air was definitely becoming more chilled, but Elsie was warmed from the wine (and the company) and felt perfectly comfortable for the moment.
He turned to look at her, smiling. "No, nothing at all – not even curtains, which I'm happy to tell you I noticed the instant I set foot in the place."
"Ah, well then, I am very proud of you," replied Elsie cheekily. "Let's get you up so you can show me around, shall we?" Offering her hand to him, she helped him up gently from the ground. He groaned as his knees popped loudly, and she laughed. "Well, I'm glad I'm not the only one to hear that sound when I stand!"
Refusing to relinquish her hand (not that she seems to mind …) Charles indicated the parlour window. "The afternoon sun is down now, but when it is setting the view from that window is truly breathtaking." She nodded, heading over to peer out of the glass. She was able to see what he described in her mind's eye: oranges, reds, and golds setting the fields and leaves ablaze. She sighed imperceptibly, marveling at how he was pointing out the aspects of the property that he knew would sing to her heart.
Moving away from the window, Charles led her to the stairs. "Nice and sturdy, these, very well built." He tossed out various comments as they climbed up to the second-floor hallway. "This will need paint, I think perhaps something light … The electric is good here, but a new sconce on that wall, I think … The door on the bath should be replaced, it's a bit tight … Good ceilings, though, and those are freshly painted …" He stopped as they reached the top of the stairs. And these are the bedrooms …
Elsie smirked, the desire to tease him (as she was so used to doing) just too tempting. "Yes, Charles? I presume these are the bedrooms?" You're not letting him off easy, are you Els?
"Ahem … yes. This first is the smaller of the two." He opened the door, relinquishing her hand. "After you."
Elsie moved into the room, appreciating out loud the delicate blue of the walls alongside the bright white trim. There was a small window, and she loved the spacious, built-in wardrobe in the corner. And there was exactly one bedside table, looking so very all alone, its presence rather sad and … disappointing? And what were you expecting, lass … a bed to frolic upon? Get control of yourself! The man has said the home is practically bare. The room smelled musty and Elsie moved over to the window, opening it a bit. It slid open easily, she noted happily, and a gentle breeze came in, cleansing the air and her burning thoughts with its cool freshness.
Charles had remained in the doorway, watching her, intrigued by what she was noticing. A woman's perspective, he thought. Colors, storage, layout, fresh air. It was a striking balance to the items he'd just been pointing out; his focus was on things that told of structure and stability, repairs that were needed. But she was looking much farther ahead, to the comforts that the space provided. It's a perfect balance, Charlie old boy … a perfect match. He found himself staring at her as she turned to speak to him.
Seeing the intense look in his eyes made Elsie falter for a moment. It is so strange to see his love simply shining in his eyes. How did I not truly notice it before? "This is a lovely room, Charles. May I see the rest?"
He raised the corner of his mouth in a half-smile and replied quietly, "Apparently I need to remind you that this is not just my house. You don't have to ask to see anything."
"Yes, well … I'm not quite used to that bit yet. I will need some time, I admit." She saw his face fall slightly, and quickly added, "I'm not upset, or offended, or any of those other foolish things that I know you imagine I might be. I just … need time. I've had rather a lot to deal with these past few days … "
His face gave a tender, caring smile. "Of course," he said quietly. "Let's finish our little tour, and head down for some more wine, shall we?"
Elsie nodded, grateful for his ever-present understanding of her feelings. She closed the window tightly and they moved out into the hall. He indicated the small bath, and she peeked in. It needs curtains as well, and a small carpet by the tub … maybe a shelf … She caught herself, shaking her head slightly at how far ahead of things she was letting herself get. Charles took her hand again, and they made their way to the second bedroom.
Opening the door, he stood aside once more. Elsie passed through the doorway and stopped suddenly, biting her lip to keep from gasping aloud. A bed. There's a BED in here. Oh, my heavens … Images flipped through her mind in rapid succession, images of her innermost thoughts and dreams: those of gentle kisses to be given and tender moments to be had; images of how they could lay together in front of a dying fire or read aloud to one another on a rainy afternoon; pictures of nights where they might be awakened by frightful storms, but neither would be afraid because they did not lay alone anymore; rays of soft sunlight that would peep through the curtains, catching on small dust particles that would float in on the breath of another new morning; the caring, sweet words that he might whisper in her ear, and the thought of her returning her own in the soft voice she was coming to understand he loved to hear, rolling the "r" in his name just so … images of LOVE …
"Elsie?" he questioned softly from the hallway. Then, eyes falling onto the bed, Charles faltered. "Oh … I didn't realize that had been left behind. Well … it appears I wasn't fully informed ... " He hazarded a glance at her, and saw that she was struggling to master her emotions once more.
Elsie moved away from him in a flash, then hazarded a glance back. I need a moment, she thought, trying to send him the words with her eyes. She saw that he understood, and she allowed herself a few deep, quiet breaths. Moving about the room – giving that bed a very wide berth – Elsie headed for the window, thinking to open it and let in some fresh, cool air … for a variety of reasons. It faced in a different direction from the last, and she'd lost her sense of perspective as they'd been moving about the house. When she was close enough to look out she froze, awestruck.
The window afforded a perfect view of the water, which was now glistening in the light of the rising moon. Glancing back at the bed, Elsie saw that it was positioned so that its … inhabitants? ... would wake to the view of the lake – her lake – every day. Elsie was tired of feeling speechless, but no words could possibly describe how she felt at that very moment. She looked at Charles and instantly read all of the thoughts in his deep, dark eyes – she realized that he'd have known about this oh so wonderful view, would have understood what it would mean to her. As the color deepened on his cheeks, she also realized that some other thoughts he'd been having just now so closely mimicked her own. We shall live here one day. Heavens ... this will be OUR bed, OUR view. This is how the future will look for us, at long last. She moved around the bed once again, and took his large hands in her smaller ones, raising his fingers to her lips and brushing them with the softest of kisses.
"Elsie … " he warned. We cannot do this … not here. His eyes met hers, pleading with her to stop. He was painfully aware that was not truly what he wanted, but he knew that she would understand. The deeper rumbling in his voice would have told her in an instant.
"Thank you for this, Charles," was all she said. "It's so very lovely, and it will make such a wonderful home … when we're ready."
I'm ready NOW, he thought, knowing he could never speak the words aloud. They'd talked of an investment for their retirement, and he knew she'd not take money from him willingly, knew they'd need to work a little while longer and rent out this cottage so that they'd have some joint funds with which to begin their new life together. They would need to be married, of course, and that was no easy venture either. He didn't think that they'd lose their jobs, but it was a possibility. Even in this age of swiftly-moving change, butlers and housekeepers were traditionally married to no one – particularly not each other. No … regardless of how perfect this moment was, feeling her soft lips across his knuckles and the warmth of her breath on his skin, the sound of her voice slipping deeper into his soul … no, the rest would have to wait.
"Yes, I imagine it will," was all he said. Taking her hands in his, he turned them both toward the door, closing it gently before they made their way downstairs.
When they returned to the parlour, the fire was going nicely. Charles recalled having seen a lantern in the kitchen and went to retrieve it. He brought it back to the parlour, lit it, and handed it to Elsie. Placing it on the floor, she took her seat as he fetched the wine from the kitchen. He poured them each a glass, set the remainder down next to the lantern, and they each raised their glasses in a silent toast. Knowing there was something on his mind, a story he'd promised to tell, she decided not to press. Elsie knew that Charles was a man that needed time to collect his thoughts, to put order to the things he wished to say, particularly when they weighed heavily upon him. The silence didn't bother her at all; in fact, it was rather common for them to each be lost in their own musings as they sat together in the evening.
Charles eventually took a deep breath and placed his empty glass on the floor by his chair. Turning, he looked Elsie directly in the eyes. "I have to tell you some things about this cottage … about myself … and I'm not quite sure how to begin."
"Well, at the risk of stating the obvious, it may be best to start at the very beginning." She smiled at him, reaching for his hand. He moved his chair closer to hers and took her hand, holding it tightly in his own, resting both on his knee. I love this, he thought. This comfort, this closeness … how could I have lived without it for so long?
"Yes, well, perhaps you are right. You see, I'm not sure exactly what I've told you of my childhood."
"Not much," replied Elsie. "I know you adored your father, and I gather your mother died when you were young because you've never mentioned her that I recall." She paused, thinking. "I know you've spent most of your adult life at Downton, and that you had that year or so with Grigg."
She tried to keep her voice very steady at that last bit and was certain she succeeded. If she'd wavered, he hadn't seemed to notice; anyhow, he was already lost in his own thoughts. Good. Elsie found it curious that when she'd given the photograph of Alice to him in the little, silver frame she hadn't really been jealous of the woman, only infuriated at her for treating Charles so reprehensibly. As she and Charles had become closer, that animosity only grew. Elsie knew deep down in her heart that she had tried to mend the relationship between Charles and Grigg so that Charles would put the past behind him at last and not just because of the kindness in her heart. Tonight, Elsie noticed a shift in her feelings once again … she pitied Alice now, wondering if the woman ever truly realized what she'd thrown away. How could anyone ever leave this wonderful man? How could any woman in her right mind walk away from him for another? Elsie acknowledged that she was, quite selfishly, thankful that Alice had left him – not thankful for the hurt Charles had suffered, but thankful that events had placed him in her own path years later.
"Yes, that's about what I remembered you knew," Charles said. "This will take a while." He reached for her glass, topping it off and refilling his own before beginning his story.
"When I was born, my father was working as a groomsman. He'd grown up on a horse farm and had a gift with horses. He was a gentle, loving man and they knew somehow to trust him. But work was hard to come by in those years. I remember from a very young age that we were sometimes hungry, and that our home was often cold because there was no wood for the fire. We'd sleep all together, in order to stay warm but also because our cottage only had one room. But we had love, and I have no memories of my parents fighting, not once.
"When I was four years old, my father left to seek better work. When he returned, he told us to gather our things because he had been offered a fantastic opportunity: he was to be the new stable master at Downton Abbey, in Yorkshire. I now realize that he was quite young to have been offered such a position, but most of what I remember from that night was the excitement in Mama's voice, her tears as she hugged him tightly, and how we celebrated with a roaring fire in the fireplace, telling tall stories of all that we hoped our new life would bring. Pa told me about the rolling hills and the babbling brook on the grounds of the estate, of the magnificent steeds in the stables and of the wonderful times we'd have together as he taught me the tricks of his trade. I was overjoyed and remember asking if we'd have a nice home of our own. 'Oh yes,' he said to me, as he crouched down on the ground to look me in the eyes. 'A cottage with a parlour, and a true kitchen for Mama. Perhaps you can plant some flowers with her?' I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.
"We packed our belongings the next day – they didn't amount to much – and set off for Downton, moving into the original cottage in which you and I are now sitting. I slept in this very room, actually. Two days after arriving, I celebrated my fifth birthday." He paused and took a shaky breath. "A month after that, Mama died suddenly. I was told years later that she'd been with child." Charles paused here, and Elsie noticed the tears that had gathered in the corners of his eyes. Some sixty years later and he still weeps for the loss. She shook her head, marveling once again at the capacity for love in this big bear of a man whose hand was clinging to hers. "She is buried in the churchyard in town," he said. "I visit every year, twice – once on her birthday and again on the evening of my own." He looked curiously at Elsie. "I always thought you might notice that I took a half-day off on my birthday and disappeared, but you never asked the reason."
"I noticed. I thought if you wanted to say, you would," she said quietly. He squeezed her hand in reply and proceeded with his story.
"So then, needless to say, things became more difficult. Pa was working long days as he became accustomed to the job. One day, he came to me and told me that the old Earl had died, and that he was to attend the funeral service. I was not able to go with him; instead, I was to stay at the barn until he returned and not to touch the horses or go into any of their stalls. He set me up with a chair and a toy with which to occupy myself, and he left. I remember watching the horses intently, feeling them look at me with those big, brown eyes. I figured they, too, were sad at the events that were playing out before us all. It rained that day, and I have never forgotten the smell of the horses in the damp air, or the wind through my hair as I sat and watched them, entranced. When Pa returned, I told him I wanted to become a groomsman. He ruffled my hair and laughed, and told me he'd speak to the new Earl if he ever had the chance."
Elsie took a sip of her wine, lost in thought. She was thinking of how wonderful a childhood Charles had enjoyed, despite his mother's death. He sounded as though he'd been happy, spending so much time alongside a father he clearly adored. It was a stark contrast to hell she'd grown up with. To have had such a simple, beautiful life … A mother who knew no fear for her safety … a father's unconditional love … She was overjoyed for him. The sound of his voice brought her out of her reverie.
"As it so happened, the new Earl and his bride arrived the following week. Pa was nervous about meeting them, as the young Earl had a reputation that preceded him – one of not being terribly kind. Pa had decided he would enroll me in the village school in the fall, and after two years of schooling he would ask if the estate would take me on as a stable boy, mucking out stalls and such. I'd be eight then, quite young for a job really, but with my father to watch over me he thought it would be acceptable. I was ecstatic at the thought.
"Not long after that, I was out in the field one day and noticed a woman approaching the stable area. I stood and – very proudly – issued a deep bow. I remember her laugh and how the light melody of it reminded me so much of my mother. She said to me, 'You must be little Charlie Carson. I'm here to see your father.'" Charles smiled at the memory. "I could tell from her fancy riding outfit that she was someone important, so I stood up tall and led her to where Pa was working. I've no recollection of what they discussed, other than nattering on about horses, but I remember that was the first time Pa seemed truly happy since Mama had died."
"Lady Violet, of course," Elsie said with a nod. "I didn't realize you'd known her almost your whole life."
Charles nodded, a smile and a faraway look on his face. "Yes, and hers - she was quite young at the time. I have often thought back on that first visit, wondering what brought her to the stables that day. She loved the horses, of course, and loved to ride. Very fast, if I recall correctly," he laughed, "but that first day I am positive she didn't end up riding at all. They just talked all afternoon. I think, looking back, that she needed … a friend." He paused again. "And so did he. I know now that she had only just married the young Earl when his father had died, and that they had come immediately to Downton. Her husband was often away, leaving her behind of course."
Charles continued, talking of Lady Violet's frequent visits to the stables that summer, of how she would sometimes bring him biscuits she'd taken from the kitchens, or perhaps a small toy or book of some sort. When he started schooling in the fall, she'd brought him some ink and a pen, some paper, and a bag to put his things in. He'd cherished those items, and Elsie noticed his face light up as he told her about them.
"A year and a half later – just after Christmas – my Pa fell ill. I remember the doctor coming to visit us here, Pa downstairs on a cot because he hadn't the energy to go up the stairs anymore. After two months, he could no longer work. I was worried that we'd have to leave, as the cottage was tied to the job, but Pa reassured me that we would be able to stay. But then, a week later, he died."
"Oh, Charles," Elsie said, "I'm so sorry." And so guilty, thinking he was telling me of an idyllic story of a perfect childhood. We all have chapters of our lives hidden, it seems … at least they don't have to hide anymore.
"Yes, well … I was, of course, terrified at that point of what would happen. To my knowledge, I had no other family. No one had ever visited, and Mama and Pa never spoke of other relations. I knew my grandparents had died before I was even born, and Mama had only spoken of them once or twice anyhow that I remembered. But some men had come for Pa's body, and Lady Violet accompanied them to the cottage. I ran upstairs, but she followed me into the bedroom. She sat next to me on the edge of the bed and took my hand in hers. 'Charlie,' she said to me, 'you've a cousin that is coming to stay with you. He'll take over your Pa's work and will live here in the cottage with you. You're to mind him as you did your Pa.' I remember crying, and her taking me in her arms and consoling me."
Elsie was stunned. She had never felt much love for the Dowager and it seemed as though Charles were speaking of someone completely different – certainly not the dour-faced, sharp-tongued woman that Elsie had come to know? How foolish of me to forget that Lady Violet, like the rest of us, was young once, too.
"When Pa's cousin arrived – David was his name – my life instantly became more difficult. It fell to me to cook and clean, because he refused to do so. I was no cook, I assure you, but I'd helped my Pa to prepare our evening meal most nights. I remember saying I couldn't possibly take control of the cooking. 'That's not a man's work,' he'd say, 'so it's to you as you're clearly no man.' I learned quickly that if things weren't done properly, it would mean a switch to my backside. Neither of my parents had ever raised a hand to me my entire life … I was terrified of him."
Elsie nodded her understanding and listened sadly as he continued. "School went on, and I earned high marks and learned quickly. I'd often bring my books home to study. If David had one good quality it was his appreciation for education, and as long as the house was clean and dinner waiting for him when he arrived, he would leave me alone.
"One day, Lady Violet stumbled upon me in the field, and she struck up a conversation. She asked how things were going at the stables, and I told her as much as I felt I was able. I knew she could tell I was terrified of David, but she said nothing." Charles laughed then, taking Elsie by surprise. "Two days later, I was getting a telling off from David because the washing hadn't been done. The instant he'd struck me with the switch, there was a knock at our door. Guess who it was?" he said.
Elsie's jaw dropped. "No! She came to your house?"
"She did! It was the best day I ever spent in David's presence. She informed him that my schooling was to take precedence over being his servant, and that a girl from the Abbey would be arriving once daily to assist in anything that needed to be done. She also informed him that, in exchange, I was to visit her every afternoon – something that confused me greatly at the time, for I thought I was in trouble of some sort. David acquiesced, knowing full well that it could mean his job if he refused – which of course he'd never do, because now a professional maid who could cook properly would be arriving regularly. The next day, the maid arrived at two o'clock sharp, and I ran to the house."
"What on earth did she want with you?" Elsie asked, still astonished at the bizarre nature of his story.
Charles looked at her softly. "She was, I believe … lonely," he said.
Elsie nodded, thinking of how she'd have felt had she been in the Dowager's position. "I'm sure she must have been. A young wife, on a huge estate, making social calls to women she probably didn't even like, yet having no family with her at all." She knew something of the Dowager's life, knew at least she had no siblings or other family in Yorkshire. Much like Lady Cora, she thought, but at least SHE had Lady Rosamund. No, it must have been a lonely existence, indeed …
"From that day forward, Lady Violet acted as a sort of governess. She assessed where I was at with my schooling, and built upon it. She'd loan me a book from her library, and I'd read it and we'd discuss the material when I'd finished with it. She was particular to a fault about penmanship, and I owe my graceful script to her strict tutelage. She would ask about the horses, and one day I asked why she no longer came to ride. I knew the Earl was often away, and told her (very unabashedly, which I cringe to think about now) that I guessed she must be so lonely in the big house." Another pause, another soft look of fondness on his face. "I remember her looking at me, shocked that I would say such a thing. But her only reply was to say that the horses no longer held as much interest for her as they once had."
Suddenly, the light dawned in Elsie's eyes. "Oh, my heavens … she was in love with him," she said quietly. "Oh, how terribly sad for her."
Charles nodded. "Yes, I believe that she was, although she's never admitted it to me. She certainly took a shine to his only son," he said with a smile, "a fact for which I am eternally grateful."
"Yes," replied Elsie, "I imagine you are."
The wine was long gone and the fire was starting to die down. "One day, she asked me if I was still interested in being a groomsman. I loved the horses, but truly couldn't imagine working for David. She told me I could be an errand boy for the house, and that as I got older there would be a job for me as a hall boy and, eventually, even a footman. 'You could even be butler one day, Charlie,' she said. I was astonished … and overjoyed. I was quite good with maths and had a love of history even then, and Lady Violet began to hone my instruction, focusing in on the history of the estate and of Yorkshire, teaching me about the other families of importance, even giving me a copy of Burke's Peerage. I remember David laughing in my face many an evening when I'd return with such a book, but I paid him no heed. I knew I was heading for a good job, for the security that my Pa never had until we arrived here. I felt as if I owed Downton – and the Countess – my life. And, despite one brief foray into insanity," he chuckled sadly, "that's just what I gave them."
Charles continued his story, telling of the day he'd been turned away at the door because Lady Violet was ill. He learned from the butler that she was expecting her first child, and her confinement had begun. Obviously, this meant an abrupt end to the lessons and days spent in the garden. It was a painful loss, but time passed quickly. Master Robert had arrived, and Charles found himself at the house more often, having been summoned by the kind butler to run errands or do various odd jobs.
"Then, one day, while on my way home, I came across her sitting in the garden. She was crying," he said. "I didn't know what to do, but she noticed my presence and invited me to sit. She dried her eyes, and asked how things were going for me. I told her they were fine, that I was very happy and grateful to be at the house, and that I was dedicated to working as hard as possible to make her proud." He looked at Elsie, who simply squeezed his hand and smiled at him, encouraging him to continue.
"She paused, and then said to me words that I'll never forget as long as I live. 'Charlie, work as hard as you are able, but never forget from where you came. Never forget that you were loved. It may seem as though your life is all about your work, but the true business of life is the acquisition of memories. Hold steadfast and true to your ideals, but always hold onto the memories that you are creating. One day, they'll be all you have left.'"
Elsie was completely blown away by this story. If she didn't know and intimately trust the man seated beside her, she'd have thought the entire story some ridiculous figment of her imagination. Or his ... But you DO know him, lass. Ah, this explains so very much about him: his ties to the family, the unwavering support of the Dowager, even to her often ungrateful son, and her eldest granddaughter who is like her in so very many ways.
"And then … ?" she asked.
Charles took his hand from her at that time, sitting back and staring at the dying fire. "A few years later, I left for the stage," he said. "I abandoned them all." He looked at Elsie, his eyes misty and begging her to understand. "I was so … jealous, I suppose … of her children, of the attention they received. I was tired of just being the hall boy. It became known that the Countess had favored me as a child, you see, and I was ridiculed by other members of staff. The butler tried to quash the taunting, but he was aging and losing his hearing so it continued behind his back. I had no friends, no one in whom I could confide. David had been dismissed a year before, so there was no cottage home to which I could return even if I'd wanted to. Then I met Grigg one evening at a pub, and we hit it off. I was in my cups that night, unhappy with my so-called sad lot in life, and he invited me to join him on the road. He'd noticed me juggling on a dare the last time I'd been at the pub, and thought he could use me in his act. So, like a thief in the night, I packed my things and left. I've never been so ashamed of myself," he confessed quietly.
Elsie took his hand back, caressing it softly. "But you came back."
"Yes," he said. "I came back. I had no business coming back to this house ever again, and they owed me nothing. I arrived at the servants' entrance, and the butler agreed to see me in the pantry. I asked for a reference, knowing full well I didn't deserve one but knowing that I needed to get work. 'Well, Charlie, this might be your lucky day,' he told me. 'We happen to be in need of a second footman.' I was shocked. I had no idea what to say; I wasn't really even counting on the reference! I remember him smiling at me gently, telling me that Her Ladyship would be happy to have me return if it was truly what I wanted. It was, and I never looked back." He stopped for a bit, staring off into space. "You see, I truly do owe her my life. She told me, many years later, that she'd visited Pa often during his illness, when I was in school and he was alone at the house. She'd promised him that she would always watch out for me. No one but the butler and housekeeper knew who I was when I returned, for the staff had changed so much during that year. I think she disliked many of them and let them go, to be honest. But to my knowledge, she never told another soul who I was."
"Surely the Earl remembered seeing you?" Elsie asked.
"No, not at all. He had never been around then, not really, and when he was he paid no attention to hall boys. No, I was lucky in that regard. It was a fresh start, and I'd learned my lesson. This was a good, safe place for me, and I cherished it from that day forward."
Elsie nodded. "Charles," she asked, "why tell me all this now? Why tonight?"
He looked at her, astonished. "Why?" He took her other hand in his, squeezing them softly and pressing them to his lips. "Elsie, if we are to be truly side by side in everything as I hope we one day will be, then you needed to know my story. No secrets. You needed to know where I come from, that I am not from the respectable background that one would expect of a butler."
He smiled at her then, and continued in a softer voice. "I realize you've not always understood my ties to the family, never accepted that they were in many ways the only family I had for most of my life." He closed his eyes, gathering his thoughts. "I love you, Elsie Hughes, and I now realize I have for a very long time. But I had difficulty reconciling that with my dedication to this family, for the immense debt that I have always felt I owed them. I felt that you deserved some sort of … explanation for why I never told you, for why I never asked you to leave Downton. I couldn't ask you to give up a life you'd built for yourself – a respectable career in a powerful house – when I would never ask the same of myself."
"I'd have understood, you know," she said softly, her bottom lip between her teeth. "I'd have accepted you in any way that was possible, married or not."
"I know that now," he replied sadly, "but I was never free to tell my story then. I would never have wanted to mislead you, letting you think I came from a respectable family or a formal education. You'd have asked about my past one day, surely, and I couldn't have answered you honestly."
Elsie was perplexed, a furrow in her brow. "But why now? Why could you finally tell me now?"
Charles smiled. "Because I had her blessing."
"Well, then," Elsie said. There's really no response to that, is there? "Perhaps the next time I see her, I'll give her my thanks." She smiled.
Charles laughed. "I am sure that if you're ever alone in a room with her – which will never happen, mind you – the sentiment would be most welcome."
"Thank you for trusting me with this," Elsie said to him. "And while it pains me greatly to have to say this aloud, we both know that we must get back to the house."
Charles sighed. "Yes, I know … " He looked at her, a spark in his eyes reflecting the ones in the hearth's glowing embers. "Even if I do not wish it to be so."
Elsie sighed deeply. "Nor do I, my love. But you're not truly ready to retire tomorrow, are you?" Els, you know he's not … don't push him, not now, not after hearing all of this. "I'm not sure I am," she said.
Despite how well-accustomed they were to communicating with only a glance Charles misjudged the look in her eyes this time, mistaking her hesitancy for full honesty. "Nor I," he lied. "Not really … not yet."
And to that, there was truly no more to be said. Elsie rose from her chair, taking the lantern as Charles banked the fire. She picked up the decanter and left the wine glasses for Charles, who took them and followed her into the kitchen. They silently washed and dried them, then packed everything into the basket.
Elsie took one last look around the kitchen before leaving. When she was ready, Charles picked up the basket and held the door open for her. She passed through and waited for him to lock up. Once he did, they headed back to the lake to retrieve the blanket. Elsie carried the lantern in her right hand, her left secured tightly in the crook of Charles's elbow. They walked wordlessly, placing their steps carefully in the pale light given off by lantern and moon.
When they came to the shore, Elsie stopped suddenly and gasped. The moonlight reflected off the lake was stunning. She became overwhelmed and turned toward Charles. With tears threatening to spill over her delicate lashes, she said simply, "I love you, you know. Thank you so much for this … well, for everything. This has been the most wonderful night of my life. I will never be able to repay you for this as long as I live."
Charles placed the basket on the ground and took her in his arms. Raising her chin with his finger, he whispered, "We'll see about that, Mrs. Hughes. We'll see about that." He then lowered his head to hers, tilting it slightly to the side, and kissed her softly.
Elsie felt as though the touch of his lips lit her entire body on fire, and thinking back on the moment later she'd wonder how on earth she managed to keep hold of the lantern. Once again, she had the sensation of being somehow burned up and being completely reborn. As they'd eaten dinner, she'd thought she could finally return to Elsie Hughes, Housekeeper, the woman she'd been at Downton for all these years. She realized now that the woman she was trying so hard to return to no longer existed. The Elsie Hughes that now stood wrapped in this lovely man's arms, lips eagerly receiving his love and returning her own, was a new woman, looking ahead to a most promising life indeed.
After a few minutes they parted, gasping for air. With a tender smile (and no small effort on her part), Elsie pulled away from him. Charles retrieved the basket and the blanket and, together, they headed back to the house.