He realized it when he lost his first patient, so to speak. He was the surgeon's intern. So her hard work, her sweat, her tears, and her pain fell upon him as well. It was a tough operation. He didn't think any of them were routine or easy. So, when the patient's life slipped from their fingers, he knew his senior was suffering inside. It was common practice to stay cool and collected, for the patient, for the staff, for their peace of mind. He wouldn't break down before his senior. He had no right.
Still, he did. Remembering the anguish of losing his father, he cried. And it was in that moment, after not speaking for who knows how long, Sakuno came into the dark, unlit personnel's lounge and held him as she cried with him, feeling his pain.
She didn't speak. She just stayed beside him for a while until he regained his composure, until they were both paged.
When he turned to face her amidst the darkness, with his chest his aching and his eyes swelling from fatigue and depression, he found her smiling. And oddly enough, it was an image he'd tuck in his heart for as long as he could remember.
He thought it had been impossible for him to continue falling so deeply and madly in love with Sakuno. But he did. And in a weird mixture of bitterness and contentment, he decided he would have it no other way.
He would never have her, he knew. Still, he would have it no other way.