Hey-o boys and girls, yet another new fic from yours truly. The original premise for this one was created by Lord Mendasuit; I'm just one of the schmucks who volunteered to write a crossover version of it.

It has been said that the line between sanity and the lack thereof is a thin one - that the difference is nothing more than one bad day.

It has also been said that the guy who said that was already crazy before his particular bad day, and that anything he says ought not to be taken at face value.

Regardless of who said what, the important thing at this particular moment is that for those taking part in the Fifth Holy Grail War, life's about to turn pear-shaped.

For many of the Masters, it began when their attempts at invoking a Servant of choice were... not quite right.

Ilyasviel von Einzbern just wanted to summon the world-famous Hercules, referred to by that name instead of Herakles purely because it's a lifetime habit of the author's, and he's lazy. Instead of a hulking, ancient Greek hunk of game-breaker... cue the Japanese delinquent schoolgirl with a sexy body, a black sailor uniform, and one half of a giant pair of scissors.

"Okay Berserker," a creepy old guy began to say, "here's how this is going to work. Much like your Master's father before her, nobody can really be bothered to listen to anything you have to say. And quite frankly, I doubt anything you'd have to offer is very interesting in the first place. So to avoid a lot of pointless character drama, we're going to use a partly-activated Mad Enhancement to shut down your free will and render you an emotionless machine that serves your Master unquestioningly."

Berserker regarded the gathering of people for a moment, before deciding to reason with them in a calm and rational manner. "GO FUCK YOURSELF, ASSHOLE!"

Pointing her scissor-blade at the Einzbern patriarch, Berserker declared, "I'm only fighting this shitty little War of yours so I can find out who killed my dad! And if any two-bit, self-entitled JACKASS decides he wants to get in my way, I'll kick his ass halfway across Kanto!"

Ilya was deeply moved by the Servant's rhetoric, and her eyes began to shine with tears of admiration for her new role model. "Oneesama~! ...wait, what's this orange thing?"

While several other Masters in the city were having similarly WTF-esque encounters with their Servants, a certain Shirou Emiya was powerless to do more than stare at the incredibly lovely woman who had suddenly appeared at his dining room table. Her more-than-generous chest was covered with a tightly-fitting pink tank top; her perfect bottom, with a tight white miniskirt. Taller than the average Japanese citizen, her long blonde tresses reached to the small of her back.

When she spoke, even her voice was the perfect auditory picture of loveliness. Really, this narration could go on for a great deal longer about how perfect and beautiful she was, but a Google Image or video search would serve you better.

"My eyes are up here," she lightly teased.

With great difficulty, a red-faced Shirou promptly tore his eyes away from the stranger's breasts and attempted to collect himself. "...who are you," he asked, "and can I get you something to eat?"

The woman laughed, a sound that echoed through Shirou's mind and soul, bringing joy to both.

"Sometimes," she began with a smile, "I'm an angel of the emergency room, saving people from injury and disease.

"At other times, I'm a rough-and-tumble biker babe, cruising through the city at breakneck speed.

"And at still other times, I'm a lovely warrior of justice, waging a tireless war against evil."

If Shirou wasn't head-over-heels in love before, that last line had definitely pushed him over the edge.

"But for the moment, you can just think of me as a Servant called Saber. So tell me," she asked with a wink and a mischievous grin, "are you my Master?"

All who knew Shirou agreed that he was a good kid. But despite himself, his brain still fell into the gutter - mirrored by Shirou himself falling to the floor in a dazed heap.

Saber let out a sigh. "...oh boy. If I'd realized he was that innocent, I would've been a little nicer to him..."

At that moment, there came a knocking on the door, startling the lovely heroine. "OI! SHIROU! FEED ME!"

With instincts honed by decades of experience, Saber attempted to mitigate the oncoming shitstorm by doing the only thing she could in that situation - she reached up to the heart-shaped emblem on her choker, and pressed it. "Honey... Flash!"

Saber's clothes immediately burst into billions of light particles, briefly flashing her goods to the unconscious Shirou. A second and a half later, the light particles flew back onto her body, even changing the style and color of her hair. Where there had previously been a "normal" blonde bombshell, there now stood a sexy nurse with sandy-brown hair that stopped a bit past her shoulders.

And but a moment later, two women entered the room.

"Hey, Shir- OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO SHIROU?!"

"Ah! Senpai!"

The too-lovely nurse worrying over the now couch-bound Shirou, turned to the new arrivals with a soft, reassuring smile. "It seems as if he's only fainted. I take it that the two of you know this young man?"

Taiga and Sakura were relieved to hear that their boy was okay, but then stopped and realized that there was a random, too-lovely nurse in the room. "...yes," Taiga began with an increasingly wary expression. "I'm his teacher, and this is one of his underclassmen. And YOU are?"

"I'm a nurse at the local hospital," Saber smoothly repLIEd. "I was on my way home, when I saw this young man unconscious in the doorway of this residence. After quickly diagnosing him, I deemed that he wasn't suffering from anything too dangerous, and brought him inside. After that, I've been waiting on his family or caretaker to come home."

Taiga and Sakura accepted the nurse's story without any fuss, and after a while began to socialize. While Saber did have some fun chatting with Shirou's "caretakers", the larger part of her mind was planning out the verbal flyball she'd need to keep from breaking the masquerade just yet.

What no-one had noticed yet, was that a mysterious orange sphere had appeared in Shirou's pocket...

Meanwhile, at the Church On The Hill, Kirei Kotomine stared at the Servant that the Grail had seen fit to give him.

A redheaded girl, about middle-school age, wearing badly-worn street clothes, and ravenously helping herself to the contents of her Master's pantry.

"...Even without seeing the other Servants," the priest began while observing an orange sphere bearing the emblem of Class Lancer... "I hate this War so damned much right now."

Lancer promptly attempted to wash down a particularly large piece of chicken. "I don't like you either, jackass."

Kotomine might have cried, then. If he had any tears left.

Review, plz?