A/N: Wasn't expecting real life to get so real...

For Your Benefit

S3 AU- This wasn't typically her sort of scene, but she swallowed down the hesitation and painted on a smile. After all, he did all of this for her, to honor her mom.

Chapter 9

"If you're not the one for me
Then I'll come back
And bring you to your knees…
If you're not the one for me
Why do I hate the idea of being free...?

And if I'm not the one for you
You've gotta stop holding me the way you do

Oh honey, if I'm not the one for you?
Why have we been through what we have been through…"

Water Under The Bridge – Adele

"Richard."

Castle glanced up from his blank word document to find Martha standing in front of his desk, her eyes narrowed.

"Hmm?"

That was apparently not the response she was looking for, as she offered him an exaggerated sigh and a roll of her eyes. He wasn't in the mood for theatrics right now, but when her hands moved to her hips, he could tell he didn't have a choice.

"I've been standing here for the last ten minutes calling your name. You were sitting here staring off into space with an expression like you've seen a ghost," she scoffed, flailing her hands as she spoke. It's a wonder how that Tony award had always eluded her.

"I'm fine, Mother," he mumbled.

Maybe he was the furthest thing from fine. Maybe he felt like everything he had hoped for and dreamed of just crashed down around him.

Maybe.

But what did it matter?

He was sulking. There was no way around it, no other word for it. Yet the knowledge of what he was doing didn't help anything – it didn't provide him with even the slightest comfort. How could he ever feel better about the woman he loved getting shot because of him?

Scrubbing his hand down his face, he eased off of his desk chair and walked out the door toward the kitchen. It was too much to ask for that she would drop the subject, but this was his mother; Martha meddled. With a sigh, Castle turned around to find her standing there arching her eyebrow.

"I've seen what fine looks like and Darling, you look the exact opposite of fine."

"They caught Beckett's shooter," he admitted, moving away from her stare in search of something to drink. This wasn't exactly a conversation he wanted to be having, but now that he'd said this much, there was no escaping the discussion.

"That's excellent news!" She paused from her celebration when he looked back at her, as if she could feel the anguish etched behind his eyes. "Or maybe not?"

"No, it is great news," Castle said with a nod. "Knowing that she's off of the streets and won't come after her again, it's great, but – I can't help but feeling like it really is all my fault." He reached into the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water, chugging the liquid to avoid her scrutiny. She was his mother, of all people, she wouldn't understand.

"Richard, how on earth is it your fault?" she asked, sighing at the idea.

"The shooter was a fan of mine, though more obsessive than just the run of the mill groupie."

"A fan? So why go after Katherine?"

"According to the woman, Beckett was in her way of true happiness with me," he muttered, leaning against the countertop and resting his head on his hands.

"So this woman had a screw loose."

"Probably several." He walked over to sit on one of the stools next to Martha and offered her a small smile.

"Exactly, but I'm still not seeing a reason for you to look like you lost your best friend," she said, laying her hand against his forearm and giving it a small squeeze.

"Well –"

All the ways he wanted to explain it jumbled on his tongue. His words failed him for once, an ironic twist that was not lost on him. Though, even in his own mind, he was starting to question everything. He feared that he was the cause of all of this additional pain in her life, but the selfish desire to remain by her side was putting his thoughts in constant turmoil over the last couple of hours.

"Please tell me you are not blaming yourself for all of this, Kiddo."

"How could I not?"

"Oh, Richard," she whispered, her eyes crinkle as her lips form a thin line. Castle could tell by her hesitation that she was trying to choose her words carefully, moving her hand to rest on top of his. "Did you shoot her? Did you knowingly put a target on her back? Did you invite that hussy into the benefit and ask her to fire at Katherine? I'm pretty sure the answer is no to all of those questions…"

"I never wanted her to be in danger because of me," he murmured, trying to hold in the tears that were glassing over his vision. The fact that she could've died, all because of someone that was in love with his fame and his public persona. How could he live with that? Kate was one of the most important people in his life, the woman he hoped would be his last true love and he almost got her killed.

"You listen to me, Katherine Beckett is a strong, independent woman and she can take care of herself. You can't control what happens to her anymore than you can control the weather. She's a cop – her day job is as dangerous as they come."

"Mother, you don't –"

"Just ask yourself this, would you want her to feel responsible if something happened to you while you were shadowing her?" she asked, interrupting his fumbled explanation.

"Of course not. I signed up for that. I knew the danger." No sooner than the words slipped from his tongue, he could see her lips curl to a knowing smile. She had tricked him.

"Then how is this any different?" Her voice was smug as he groaned in response, trying to open his mouth in defense but everything he wanted to say felt inadequate.

"It feels different, somehow," he said, contemplating. He knew it wasn't, not really, because if he was ever hurt during an investigation – the way she looked when she found him tied to the chair during the 3XK case – it was all the same. Thinking back on that day, there was not even a second where he could have blamed her. Things happen out of their control everyday they worked together, but it didn't mean they should be apart.

They were always better together.

No, not anymore. The shooter was gunning for Beckett, because of him, the thought pushing itself back to the forefront of his mind. She was targeted…

Because of him…

"You tried to save her, Darling. That makes you a hero in my books."

"I never wanted any of my fame to make things harder for her."

"I know you didn't and she knows that too," she reminded, but he shook his head. Logic couldn't help with how shattered his heart felt.

"I want to protect her…"

"By being the martyr?" Martha asked, her voice laced with sarcasm. He wasn't being a martyr; he only wanted to make life safer for her

"Mother…"

She shook her head, apparently done listening to his excuses. That was all he had left at this point. Just excuses that aimed to calm the panic flowing through his veins from the moment he had learned the truth of the shooting.

"Don't look at me like that…" She hopped down from the bar stool, and glided toward the closet, no doubt in search for one of her dozens of coats that crowded the racks. "You know that's what you're doing. Just think about it before you do something drastic that you'll regret," she called, from inside the closet.

"Where are you off to?" he asked, happy for a change in the conversation as she closed the door with the chosen garment hanging from her forearm.

He preferred to sulk alone. Well not entirely alone, he'd have a nice glass of scotch to keep him company.

"Dinner for Annabelle Baker's birthday. Even though she stole my role in that Off-Broadway play from last summer, I still need to keep up appearances with that crowd," she said, shimmying into her jacket and giving him a wink.

"Now who's the martyr?" Castle forced a half-hearted laugh, as she found her clutch on top of the counter. Martha leaned up and gave him a quick peck on the cheek before turning back to the door. "Have a good night, Mother."

"You too, Kiddo," she mumbled with a little wave, walking out the door. "And think about what I said."

This was probably completely and totally against doctor's orders.

Hell, there wasn't any probably about it; it was definitely against doctor's orders. Kate was supposed to take it easy. Rest. Her focus was meant to be on her healing from a gunshot wound, but instead she was tending to her broken heart.

She couldn't accept it – wouldn't accept any of his excuses because that was all they were, just excuses to delay the inevitable. Delaying and hiding, that was what she had always been good at, but she was done hiding.

Done fighting with herself and with all the reasons why this was a bad idea. She couldn't think of a case of why they shouldn't be together, because there wasn't one. The way he held her last night, the way he looked at her, the way he made her feel a warm glow throughout every last cell of her body; they were meant to be something.

No, not just something, together.

Her heart was in this, it had been for awhile now and she was sick of letting her fears and insecurities get in the way. For years now, she hid from the world and her emotions so she wouldn't feel any more pain like she felt when she lost her mom. Her walls were strong, reinforced from years on the job, years of fighting for truth and justice, years of trying to find the truth for her mom with nothing but dead ends staring back at her. She had thought those walls protected her, she thought there was no way around them.

She had thought so many things, before she had met Castle.

However, with him, all bets were off. He managed to slowly scale the barriers around her heart and set up camp. She cared about him far earlier than she would ever admit out loud or even to herself, but it was all too much. It scared the hell out of her because he was her partner, the person she turned to and if something happened to that, if they crashed and burned – what would she be left with? She had convinced herself that it was better to have him as a friend than risk it all, trying to move forward and find someone that would make her feel things even a fraction of the way she felt about Castle, but it was all pointless.

Now, after everything they had been through, she wasn't going to let one of Castle's groupies stand in their way. True, that groupie had a gun and shot her in the shoulder – but it wasn't his fault and she'd be damned if he self-sabotaged their future together.

Those thoughts and a healthy dose of adrenaline were what propelled her forward as she passed his doorman, William, with a friendly wave and made a beeline to his elevator. Her heart was pounding in her chest and her lungs were trying to keep up as her mind started to reel with all the possibilities, of Castle rejecting her and sending her away. She shook her head.

No.

Swallowing down every last bit of anxiety that formed the massive lump in her throat, Kate took a deep breath as the elevator doors slid open to his hallway. Her eyes darted out and narrowed in on his front door. She was really doing this…

Time stood still as she stood staring at the wood grain of his door, her fist hovering, waiting. This was ridiculous. She was being a child. Pushing down whatever hesitation remained; Kate knocked and then stepped back. The echo of the noise rattled in her mind and she closed her eyes to keep herself in one piece. Tucking her curls behind her ears, her body was full of nervous energy that she had to control before she exploded. Her thoughts raced as her heart rattled against her ribcage.

Oh, this was a bad idea.

"Beckett?"

Her eyes flashed open to meet his stunned expression, as an eerie calm washed over her body. It was going to be okay.

She could feel it...

tbc

Thanks to each and everyone of you for reading this. Your outpouring of support of this story has been overwhelming and humbling. I appreciate you all!

xoxo

To my love beta snarky squad- you guys make me laugh so much with each edit you make. You all make me a better writer and you're amazing friends.