Monster Party Novella Nosos: But what happens when the gears, get sick of the machine?
Chapter Nine: Siam is gonna be the witness to the ultimate test of cerebral fitness...
"So as you might guess, when I woke up, hanging upside down over a bubbling pot, I said to myself, 'Alexander Diamondclaw, you're going to have to come up with something truly magnificent to get yourself out of this one...'." The silver haired man explained.
He was wearing his wolf mask again, but doing precious little else to hide his identity. It was his party after all.
To celebrate Amalgamated Diamonds managing to transfer more of its excess liquid capital (though Alex honestly wasn't sure why Devi called it that since gold coins seemed pretty solid to him) into profitable business ventures, (the right to buy and distribute all food purchased from Darkon) he was holding a grand masquerade in Chateau Argent.
While he'd mostly hung around at the edges of Malus' party, he was more than willing to take center stage at this one. It also turned out that Nosos' upper class were a surprisingly keen audience for tales of his past exploits.
"Is that how you ended up loosing your eye?" One member of his audience in a hawk mask inquired.
Alexander shot him a look which suggested that the man probably read novels by flipping to the last page (assuming he read any at all) but continued on all the same.
"No, I'd already misplaced it by then. Still, what you need to understand was that these weren't just any goblins I'd been captured by, these were Forlorn Goblyns: bigger, meaner, better organized, stronger, slightly less cowardly.
So then this goblyn who was wearing marginally less dirty clothing with a number of fancy feathers in its greasy hair approached me. He croaked out in their guttural language that I could either be boiled in their stewpot, or I could heft the arbor..." The silver haired man continued.
"What is an 'arbor' exactly?" A woman in a doe mask pipped up.
"That my deer lady was precisely the question that I found myself grappling with. I rather quickly decided that anything was preferable to the stewpot though, so I agreed to heft the arbor.
All of a sudden the entire tribe began to dance around, hooting and hollering with delight as if they were preparing for a celebration even greater than the feast my cooked body would have been.
A full score of them undid my bindings to the ceiling, after moving the stewpot thankfully, but still keep my legs tied together. Then they dragged me over to a large open arena. There I had my legs clamped in irons secured to stakes driven into the ground so the most I could do to move was shuffle an inch or two to the left or right.
At that point a team of ten of the little monsters walked in carrying a log that was nearly six meters long! This it turned out, was the 'arbor' in question. They laid it on the ground, and three of the strongest among the whole tribe gathered together on the opposite side of the arena facing me.
Working together they managed to get the thing off the ground, took a few halting paces, then tossed the arbor, right, at, me." Their host continued.
Alexander at this point abandoned words for a moment to instead slowly exhale through pursed lips over a finger he gently twirled, mimicking the spinning of the arbor.
"Short of a house I've never seen anything made of wood as large as the arbor, and I knew that thing would be more than capable of turning me into a bloody smear on the ground.
With my legs shackled in place I couldn't walk let alone run, so I just sort of leaned and hoped for the best. They say your life flashes before your eyes when you're about to die, but all that was flashing before mine was a gigantic spinning hunk of wood.
WOOH, WOOH, WOOO... WHUMP! The arbor landed upright less than five feet in front of me. At that point there was a great deal of booing and complaining from the watching goblyns.
I was worried that the trio would have another one brought to heave at me, or just get to retrieve this one instead.
As it turns out however, now it was my turn, and they'd been kind enough to land the arbor within arms reach. The rules seemed simple enough, so with the strength of a man who was horrified out of his wits, I grabbed the arbor, lifted it up off the ground, and tossed it right back at them.
Every goblyn there was spell bound as it spiraled through the air, rotating end over over end. It made one rotation, then it made a second, it made a third, then it landed.
There was this... distinct... squishing sound. It turns out even the three who had tossed the arbor at me had been so invested in watching the thing that they hadn't bothered to move, and I'd managed to land the thing more or less point blank on top of one of them.
There wouldn't have been enough left of the beasty to fill a wine jug left alone a casket. So having done that, there was a very long silence... and then all the goblyns started hooting and hollering again. The ones who had originally brought the arbor in raced over and grabbed it up with nary a thought for their slain companion.
There was a lot more shouting and debating among my captors, and to my surprise they began affixing leg irons to two surviving members of the three goblyn team, who understandably did not seem at all that happy about the prospect.
The other creatures carried the arbor over and dumped it in front of me, while it seemed that every single one of them was shouting what passed for 'do it again!' in their fowl language. So I took a deep breath, spent a moment contemplating the exact distance between me and the two immobilized goblins, and then I picked up the arbor a second time. Woo, woo, wooohhhhhh, SPLAT" Alexander explained while slapping his left hand against his hip for emphasis.
A few members of his audience looked away, expressions of disgust no doubt hidden behind their masks. A great many more leaned in, no doubt as fascinated by their mental images as the goblyns had been by the real thing.
"So you had killed two of them at that point, what did they do next?" Asked a man in a shark mask.
"I waited while they brought the arbor over to me again. Then I hefted the arbor a third time. I was actually starting to find it almost enjoyable by that point, and was approaching it as a genuine sport rather than just a fancy way to execute someone.
So with a little elbow geese I actually managed to get the thing to make four rotations before it landed. That, along with the death of the last member of the trio brought the crowd no end of amusement. They were so delighted by it that a team of five more goblyns came out to heft the arbor against me.
Now, given that the first three had only just barley failed, it seemed my only hope was that this group would overshoot. No such luck though, for muck encrusted monsters they knew their work all too well.
I saw the arbor rotate twice as it headed right for me, and I raised up my hands, determined to catch the arbor or die in the attempt..." Alexander brought the tale to an eery cliffhanger and simply let it lay there for a moment.
Sure enough one member of the crowd around him rose to the bait.
"Did you catch it?" Asked a woman in a dove mask as she gently fanned herself.
"My hands rose up... and they caught two chunks of half mulch.
The entire arbor had seemingly rotted in the time that it needed to cross the distance between us. I just sort of stared at what was left of the arbor, and the goblyns just sort of stared at me. That meant they didn't realize what was going on until these great huge green vines started wrapping around them and hoisting them up into the air!
It was at this point that my savior had a few choice words for me..." Alexander reached out through the crowd and effortlessly wrapped an arm around a woman in a (new) mask designed in the shape of tree leaf.
"You really need to stop being quite so noble Sir Knight. Trying to fight off an entire tribe of goblyns so I wouldn't come to harm is all very well and good, but having an escape plan of your own might have been a good idea." Florence Bastien concluded.
"You see, while the goblyns had been having their fun with me, Florence had been busy having a meeting with some of the local druids. Florence promised that if they worked with her they'd get a chance to wipe out an entire tribe of goblyns while they were quite thoroughly distracted." Alexander explained, a sly look in his single visible eye.
"How exactly did you know that they would be distracted?" A man in a fox mask couldn't help but ask.
"We hadn't been together that long, but already I knew a thing or two about Alexander Diamondclaw. His ego simply wouldn't allow him to be anything less than the center of attention, especially at his own execution." Florence teased her companion while wrapping an arm around his shoulder.
There were 'oohs' and 'aahs' of approval as Alexander's face became slightly flushed behind his mask. There was a great deal of applause, but none of it was louder or more enthusiastic than that produced by a man whose mask had been designed in the shape of a metallic cog.
"A most thrilling tale." Suggested the brown haired blue eyed man who was undoubtedly Malus Sceleris.
"Much thanks for your kind words, I'm afraid though that I need to deal with few matters of business before I can regale you with another..." Alexander insisted turning to face man in the cog mask.
"If you wouldn't mind?" He invited his guest, gesturing towards the stairs leading up to some of the mansion's private rooms.
"I would have made the same suggestion myself if it wouldn't have been impossibly rude way for a guest to address his host..." The other man confirmed.
The pair headed upstairs together while Florence no doubt kept the gathered crowd entertained with another tale of her and Alexander's early exploits.
"Masks off?" Alexander suggested once he closed the door behind him.
"Quite so." His guest agreed.
Alexander Diamondclaw and Malus Sceleris both removed their masks and laid them gently aside for the moment.
"You know, in some circles they're already starting to call you the Wolf of Nosos." Malus informed his host, though his tone of voice was so dry it was impossible to tell if it was a compliment or insult.
"Can't imagine why they'd be doing that. Chair?" Alexander offered gesturing towards a pair of resting places on either side of a large table.
Malus accepted, and his eyes almost immediately focused on one aspect of the table.
"That's a splendid regicide board. I don't think I've seen it before, is it yours, or was Edward simply keeping it hidden?" Malus inquired.
"Mine." Alexander replied, gently reaching out to rub a hand against the queen on his side of the board.
It was a very splendid board when viewed by any sort of impartial eye. Its real beauty lay not so much in the board itself of course, but the pieces that resided upon it. The side closer to Malus gleamed gold (and you only needed to pick up a single piece to realize they had indeed been crafted of the precious metal) while it was opposed by a force of shining silver.
Aside from having both been made of precious metals the two armies had little else in common.
The golden one was made of traditional soldiers, while the roles of rooks, bishops and knights were played by extremely well dressed humans. A somewhat obvious flaw in the regicide set became noticeable at this point, its back row pieces did not properly mirror one another.
His king side bishop was a man of the cloth while his queen side one seemed to be a barrister of some sort. His two knights were not even of the same sex! His Queen ironically was completely lacking in gender, instead it seemed like a monstrous factory come to life with huge smokestacks bursting from its back and tinny flames roaring from the mouth.
The golden king was by comparison a much simpler figure, a rather nondescript man with a cheerful smirk dressed in the finest of clothing.
The silver army by comparison seemed all but completely devoid of human figures, its pawns were wolves, its rooks were a lioness and some other rather scruffier form of cat creature.
Its knights were a great flaming bird and some sort of golem, seemingly composed of various scraps of paper. Its bishops were two figures seemingly composed of rock, one small and squat the other more humanoid in size.
Like its golden counterpart, the silver queen seemed less like a person and more like a concept brought to life. It was a towering creature with logs for limbs its body composed of vines, leaves, and other bits of foliage twisting here and there.
The silver king however was a tall man with long hair which seemed to be blowing in some non-existent wind which obscuring his face slightly. In particular, it was not possible to tell if he was wearing (or needed) an eyepatch at the moment.
"Why are you doing this?" Malus asked locking eyes with Alexander.
"The same reason that anyone else does anything in Nosos, I'm trying to get rich, well richer." Alexander insisted in an offhand manner.
"I've heard talk that you're having your workers form a union." Malus declared incredulously.
"I'm trying something different. Sceleris Industries is already so well established that I simply wouldn't have a chance to get anywhere by aping your methods. So I figured I'll go out on a limb and see what happens." The silver haired man reflected with a casual shrug.
"The thing about tree limbs is that they're undependable, they break." Malus growled.
"I know a woman with some skill at reinforcing them. Still, if it happens, it will happen. As you, as now just about everyone in Nosos knows, I made my money by adventuring. If what I'm trying doesn't work, it will probably fail pretty quickly.
So I'll be poor again, but so long as I don't throw away my sword and a few other magic nicknacks, there's nothing to stop me from going right back to my old career. Killing monsters for money is something that never goes out of style." Alexander insisted.
Malus chewed on that for a moment and then he smiled.
"You know Mr. Diamondclaw, you really are a man after my own heart. Invest your entire fortune in a business, and if it fails, build your wealth up again from scratch without feeling the least bit ashamed of it!" Malus declared while grinning wildly.
"Well at the end of the day what is money but a way to keep score? It is a great pleasure to be pulled to Nosos' bosom and given a chance to leave my own mark on the city." The green eyed man reflected jovially.
"I'm sure that you'll find a way to do that sooner or later Mr. Diamondclaw, I'm sure you will. Until then, lets go back downstairs so that I can show all your guests just how much I appreciated having a new spirited businessman in the city." Malus offered.
Alexander accepted and the two headed back downstairs. As he swept past the Regicide set, Alexander casually flicked out his left hand, and gently nudged over a single golden bishop. A gleaming barrister was tipped over and lay flat upon the board, though neither of the room's occupants bothered to comment on the fact.
After re-donning their masks and heading down they soon drew a fair sized crowd around them. Malus and Alexander in the style of Owners showing the utmost respect for one another, removed their stylish gloves and shook hands. Once they had done that Alexander clasped the smaller man to his chest easily with a wide smile on his face.
"Thank you once again Malus, but before you go, you really should hear the end of that story I was telling.
You see, it turned out that Shelaugh, the head of the Forlorn druid group, had been told by Florence about what I'd done for her. When she discovered how willing I was to risk my life to save a druid, it meant a lot to her.
She said that from that day forth, I was a blessed of Diancecht.
Diancecht is a god of life, but not necessarily life that we find pleasant. To put it bluntly, he is the god of diseases and, though for every single illness he creates, he also brought about a cure.
I thought that it was just a lot of fancy words, but then strange things started happening. I went an entire year without ever getting sick, not even a simple cold, fever, or touch of the flu.
At first I suspected it was just blind luck, right up until I got stabbed by a poisoned blade, one that I'd seen kill a man with simple a scratch, and it didn't bother me in the slightest.
After that, I started taking the those words about me being a blessed of Diancecht a lot more seriously. It was stupid, but I couldn't help but want to test further... and it eventually lead to this amusing little parlor trick. Devi, set up the glasses..." He declared putting his glove back on and clapping his hands together loudly.
Devi needed no further orders as she quickly began to produce several glasses from her bag of holding, and then start filling them up with various brightly colored bubbling mixtures.
"These are all lethal poisons that I've come across over my years as an adventurer. Do please keep your eyes wide open folks, I don't like to do this trick very often, deadly poisons aren't cheap." The silver haired man insisted as he removed his wolf mask.
Then, once all the glasses had been filled, Alexander went from one to the next, drinking them all down with speed that would have been impressive even if they contained simple spirits.
Once he'd completely emptied the final goblets' contents, he paused for a moment and took a deep bow, his actions soliciting a great deal of applause and cries of shock and horror.
"Please don't applaud too loudly ladies and gentlemen, its not like I really did anything to deserve it. It's only possible thanks to those druids who decided to share their blessings with me!" He insisted.
Amid the cheers and cries of delighted surprise, nobody noticed Malus Sceleris exiting without saying a single word, his expression completely hidden behind that metallic gear.
XXX XXX XXX
"How much longer do you plan to keep doing this for?" Florence Bastien couldn't help but ask.
Alexander Diamondclaw was crouched down before one of the handful of fireplaces in Chateau Argent. At the moment there was a roaring blaze in it.
"Fire is mankind's greatest friend against so many different foes. That is why I love it so." Alexander declared with a broad grin on his face.
"I asked you a question..." Florence tut-tutted not especially in the mood to be ignored by her male companion.
"Through all the changes that I've undergone in my life, and there have been a lot of them, I've never really lost my respect and devotion it..." The silver haired man insisted, his single eye watching the flickering flames dance back and forth.
Seeing that words alone might not be enough in this situation, Florence proceeded to rap him on the head with her wooden staff to better get his attention.
"I asked you how much longer you plan to keep doing this Alpha Male...?" She insisted.
Laying in the middle of the fire was a single glove. Mirroring its fate Alexander's right hand was held just inches above the burning coals. Flames licked around his bare flesh, which seemed to be more or less charred black by this point.
"Probably another half an hour or so at most. That's the wonderful thing about fire, it purifies." The silver haired man insisted, his expression completely neutral and unbothered by his current actions.
"You could have just refused to shake his hand you know. You could have claimed to have been sick with something yourself. If you'd just done that, then you wouldn't have to be mutilating yourself to keep the rest of us safe right now." She pointed out.
"You seem to have forgotten that mutilating myself to keep others safe is my purpose in life." Alexander pouted in a most affronted tone of voice.
"There's a secret I've shared with the bouncers in a few taverns I approve of. If you want a surefire way to get a man 's attention for five minutes, break one of his fingers.
Easy as that.
There's no pain in the world like it.
Every time I transform, I break all ten of my fingers. My toes are the next thing to go followed by snapping my own spine, and you'd probably rather not hear about what happens to my jaw to make room for my new fangs.
It's not a pleasant experience Florence, it really isn't.
So after Malus covered my hand with whatever it is he uses to spread Dum-Dum Fever, I'm not going to feel comfortable being near any of you until I'm sure it is clean as can be." He insisted.
"So your plan is to have that fire not just burn your flesh, but your bones as well?" The dryad replied with a condescending sniff.
"I'd actually prefer it if I could get the fire hot enough to char the flesh off my bones completely. I'll grow new stuff to replace it soon enough after all. Not having much luck with that at the moment though, so this will have to do." Alexander reflected gazing at his darkened skin.
"You made a mistake by showing him that Dum-Dum Fever wouldn't work on you so blatantly. It gives him more time to think of other ways to attack Amalgamated Diamonds." Florence insisted gravely.
"I wanted to see the expression on his face when he realized it... I wanted it so baddy..." Alexander Diamondclaw's voice was about as close to a purr as someone otherwise completely lacking in feline qualities could produce.
"So now that you've seen it, and you're currently roasting your hand, was it really worth it?" Florence asked in a disproving tone.
"Oh yes!" Alexander gushed without a hint of hesitation.
"There is nothing in the world like that moment of realization, that flash of complete and utter shocked surprise, I drink it up the way that Mirri drinks blood..." The silver haired man insisted.
Florence shook her head and walked out of the room.
"Oh come on, are you really that upset? It is not like I'm telling you anything you didn't already know!" Alexander called out to her as his dedication to the task at hand was too great to let him leave it half completed and give chase.
Florence walked back in soon enough, an object that was most definitely not a wooden staff in both hands.
She gave Alexander enough time to size it up, then twisted her body and hurled it right at his head.
"You're a beast." Was the only comment she had to make in the process.
The pillow bounced softly off Alexander's face.
"None beastlier." Alexander Diamondclaw insisted with a smile.
End Chapter
AN: Alexander Diamondclaw has a peculiar relationship with his own body. Please remember that while he displays many traits of a natural lycanthrope (three aspects, retains personality while transformed) he isn't one, as he doubtlessly lacks their "enjoyable" transformations.
James Firecat would probably describe transforming as "like a really good sneeze" but for Alexander transformations are as painful as they look. This might dissuade a man who was more adverse to pain than Alexander from transforming very frequently.
By there way there was a "subtle" theme to Alexander's chessboard but I'm sure it flew so far over your heads that I don't want to make you feel bad by talking about it any more!
Alexander's story about his time in Forlorn may or may not be true. He's chaotic good so he will lie to bog standard true neutral NPCs and not feel the least bit bad about it. The fact that Florence who is neutral good and thus only lies to openly evil people suggests that something like the event happened, but how much of what he says is true or not is still open to conjecture.
Alexander does however have a fort save which is the envy of some lesser gods. He doesn't so have an immune system as an IMMUNE system. Seriously, his white blood cells probably transform into tiny wolves and rip apart diseases that try to invade.
The Guardian Virus from Order of the Stick would get its head handed to it (not that it would really have any effect on him since he doesn't use magic) if it tried to infect him. Even quasi-magical darklord based diseases like Dum-Dum Fever don't stand a chance against Alexander's immune system. So, I want to establish that so that it's clear he's not roasting his hand out of self preservation, he's doing to make sure that he doesn't end up spreading the disease to any other members of his team. Given the groups' research into how Dum-Dum Fever is spread (IE it's not airborne) his preventative techniques if a "little" extreme are also obviously effective.
Also "hefting the arbor" is a real "sport" practiced by the Forlorn Goblyns, at least according to the Forlorn box set, though according to the first Gazetteer, the more traditional form of the sport that you folks may in turn be more familiar with, is also preformed by the human inhabitants of the domain.