I'M AFRAID OF MYSELF

AN: Hey everyone. Sorry its a little later than I'd like. Mad house round here, I tell ya! Anyway, hope its been worth the wait. Like I said before, if you're a Hurts fan, some sentences may seem familiar to you ;) Enjoy! BTW sorry for any spelling mistakes, its been proofread to none end *nervous laughter*...

...~~IAOM~~...

(Merlin's POV)

I can't stand this.

I thought at first it was a blessing that Arthur had decided not to tell his father about me or have me executed, or even banished on pain of death.

Instead this was much worse.

Never letting me out of his sight except for relieving me from my duties at the end of the day, but reminded every night that if I ran, he would break his word. Not for one moment allowing me to explain myself and my side of the story, how I couldn't help the way I was, that I never betrayed him. The cold looks he'd give me. No banter, no jokes, I couldn't afford to even call him a prat under my breath.

I had sleepless nights. I was just so scared that if I woke to a new day, it would be the day Arthur's ordered it to be my last. That I'd be roughly awakened by guards pulling me out of bed and towards the pyre. I had become afraid of my own friend. It was like walking on broken glass every day... I'm so tired of being afraid.

I wouldn't even be doing anything half the day. Once I had finished my chores, Arthur would have me spend my spare time by his side. That was usually how it was anyway. But worse like this. It wasn't like he wanted me there, to converse with or keep him company, or in case he needed me. It was the fact he no longer trusted me out of his sight not to turn round and stab him in the back or destroy Camelot, and that hurt the most. He'd sit in the council room when all the advisors had gone, and it would be just him and me. He'd go over his maps and reports, and I'd stand there leaning against a pillar somewhere in the room, in his line of sight, staring into space. The only sound disturbing the awful silence was the ruffling of paper and scratching of the quill. Out the corner of my eye, I occasionally caught him glancing at me for a second before looking back down.

I miss how things were. Thinking about it only caused pain to shoot through my chest. I wouldn't let Arthur see but I'd turn my head slightly away to let a stubborn tear run down my cheek. I'd let it fall, wiping it away would only bring attention to myself. Any hand gestures or sudden movement earned the most unpleasant glare from my master.

I sometimes surprised myself that my tears hadn't washed me away yet. If I cried any more, I swore I would become dust. I couldn't care less.

Only when I was finally free at night to return to my chambers would I get out of my dress, release my hair from its loose ponytail, change into my night shirt and sit on the bed for hours just staring at nothing and feeling the dam burst. It was early hours before I cried myself into exhaustion.

...~~IAOM~~...

Months passed.

Arthur and I were eventually alright. A lot happened in that time.

I had been forbidden to use my magic. But being magic itself, kept from being what I am out of fear or being burnt alive was a massive strain on my body.

That, not eating or sleeping well did nothing good for my illness and I eventually collapsed.

I guess it did something to Arthur because when I woke up in bed, it was almost a week later, and he was sat beside me. His manner had relented, he was softer but nowhere near merciful.

He didn't want me to go, but he still didn't treat me differently after that. Mordred went with me into the forests every now and then to vent my magic, before it had to be stored inside again. But it still hurt.

I couldn't take it any longer. And so entered the prince's chambers one day with a packed bag and a cloak on my shoulders. He turned from where he gazed out the window and looked at me in confusion.

The conversation went along the lines of Arthur telling me I had to stay, because he hadn't exactly banished me. But I replied I was simply doing the job for him. Since he hadn't officially outed me, there was nothing keeping me confined to Camelot. I had to go for myself too. I had become ill, tired and in every way drained. And I was losing sight of who I was. I had to find myself again. He didn't stop me, he let me go hesitantly, but with good wishes. It wasn't the way I wanted us to part. It was too awkward.

I turned to go but he called out to me. When I heard him say my name, it suddenly became harder to walk out the door. That was hardly fair. If it was at any other moment in time I would have keeled. But I was so desperate for the dream of time on my own, I shook my head, clearing my mind of thoughts of his face if I saw it, and whispered the words I thought I'd never have to. Goodbye Arthur.

I mounted my horse, crossed the courtyard, and there I felt his eyes on me until I passed the gate. They felt sad.

I left as Merlin.

Little did I know at the time, that months later...

I would return as Emrys.

...~~IAOM~~...

(Arthur's POV)

You always saved me.

You always kept me from harm regardless of your own safety. I get it now. I had time to think. I talked to Gaius, and Collin. About the many things that you had done for me or because of me, without my knowledge. Clearly there was loss.

And apparently there were still countless more missing chapters to add to the story of you. But Gaius told me it was best if they waited until you came back... If you do come back. It's been months. Please come home.

I want you here, where I dearly hope you will listen to what I have to say. I admit I cannot guarantee anything will change. After all, I'm still very confused. Confused about how you can be who you are. How being how you are... or how you have appeared all this time, you have still managed to allude everyone in this kingdom and to other kingdom's leaders too. I understand why, I just wish you didn't have to keep it from me of all people. It's not my fault that what you are is a crime here, but honestly...

I don't how to make your life easier, magic is and still will be outlawed. Whether I remain regent or not.

All I can offer, nay promise, is that you will always have sanctuary in my chambers. With Gaius and with me, we'll be your little corners of comfort in this world.

Please just promise me in return, that you'll return, and you'll return... yourself.

...~~IAOM~~...

This may sound strange, and I hope you won't think this egoistical of me when I eventually tell you this in person. But I hope you return to your duties when you arrive. Not just being my servant, but being, as Gaius put it, my destiny.

It still sounds foreign to me.

I have gathered it has been a challenging job. However now that I know your secret, maybe it will become a little easier to achieve.

Besides... it kind of feels right. You, Merlin. My protector. You not only keep me safe. You make me feel safe. Just by being there. I even dare to admit... With you gone, I know what I'm missing, I'm missing you. The girl who made council meetings not so boring by being there out the corner of my eye, pulling faces to mimic the person who is yapping everyone's ears off.

When I had rows with my father, you were there to serve me my favourite meal and just stand there while I probably bored you to death with my troubles well into the late hours of the night. And when father got ill... well, you were there to sit with me by the fire, a comforting hand on my shoulder, as again I talked, but those times about the nice memories I had with the king before Morgana ruined his mind. Then I'd lean into your arms as I could feel myself dosing off. As I felt myself slipping away, the last thing I'd feel would be your fingers brushing my hair back. I didn't attempt to move. You were comfortable.

All those times I thought you were ignoring your chores and avoiding matters at court by going down the tavern with our good drunkard friend Gwaine, you were struggling with dangers just to make it easier for me to handle. To think! I thought that credit was mine!

But out of everything there is to say, I have tried to choose the right words and the right time. I wouldn't admit this, ever, but I need you to know how I feel. I tried to tell you this before you left, but I could see that nothing would have made you stay. I need you.

That kiss we shared... once. Just once. I know it was probably shrugged off as some spur-of-the-moment thing, ended before it was even registered or discussed any further. The excitement of the occasion, you probably thought I'd had a few drinks, and/or it was meant to be the cheek, instead in the corner of your lips. I don't know. But just so you know, it wasn't forgotten. It was unexpected, yes. But looking back now, it did mean something. To me at least.

But here I stand, alone in my chambers. No one to talk to, the other servants don't wait around to chat. I dare to admit, when you made casual conversation about everything and nothing, it broke up the day, gave me something to look forward to. Even if it meant half of your chores remained unfinished. Because before you came, all those years ago, I had no one to talk to, or turn to with a problem that would be returned in a two-way discussion. Now I love it. I love being argued with, and you're the only one who dared. Now I'm stuck with the likes of George and bloody yes-men. You see what you've done, Merlin? You've ruined servants for me!

This, what I feel for you, is starting to seem more real with every day passing I don't see you, or knowing where you are or what you're doing. Gwaine keeps me informed on your well-being, but of course hopefully you don't know that. I only hope you have an inkling about how it felt for me to let you walk out that door. Please change your mind and come back. Come back where you belong. You're mine.

I can't think about what I want to say to you for long. You need to be here to listen, before I forget it all, or before my prattish pride gets the better of me and decide against explaining anything to you at all.

I keep thinking, if you don't walk through those gates today or tomorrow, I'll go myself. But I'm still here.

We're still young, we can still have those good times again. I know you need me as well. I'm stood at the window you saw me last. The look is the same. Only there's no rain this time to hide the te-

I mean... there's something in my eye...

...~~IAOM~~...

AN: Thanks for reading. Please leave a little review on exit if you would. Really appreciate it :) See ya soon!