I'M AFRAID OF MYSELF
AN: Hey everybody, I'm back with another update. Again, Hurts songs are mixed in somewhere. This chapter had gotten a little bit more descriptive, I was on a role haha. Anyhoo, hope you enjoy :) BTW, apologies for any mistakes.
...~~IAOM~~...
Merlin never strayed too far from her prince. After all, despite the rift in their relationship, she still had a destiny that would not let her mind rest.
Gwaine had volunteered to go with her for a little while, of course he was still a knight. Be that as it may, he had been suspended and had to go back to service at some point. But not before making sure his friend had settled... wherever that was. Which to Merlin sort of defeated the purpose of her leaving because she had to keep her magic hidden. But she humoured him since he really wanted to see what taverns there were left in the kingdom he hadn't built a reputation in yet.
The two visited Ealdor for a little bit. It was very rare, especially recently that she had got time to see her mother. And it was funny watching Gwaine try to sweet talk the ladies there, most of them were either too old or young for him, or married...
After the former maidservant found out Gwaine have been sending messages back the Camelot to keep Arthur informed, she was definitely done with it all. She argued with the knight, well, she did most of the yelling. He stood there and tried reasoning with her, but she seemed too tired and frustrated to listen. Apparently Arthur didn't even need to physically be there to cause her stress. The trip away from Camelot could only work if she went on alone.
The sorceress allowed Gwaine to camp with her in the forest for the night, but after a grateful goodbye at first light, they separated. Gwaine rode back to Camelot, Merlin travelled onward.
From then on, it was all peaceful walks with her horse Rhiannon through the glade, creating little blue butterflies with her magic as she went. The further on she went, the freer she felt, but she also knew the further away from the city she was, the more vulnerable everyone she cared about became.
...~~IAOM~~...
Over the months, unbeknownst to Arthur and Merlin, they actually had a few close run-ins with eachother.
Merlin came across a druid camp. In fact the same one she usually met with, including Iseldir, the druid elder. A man with no obvious age despite his silver hair, a questionable personality and vague expression. A man so mysterious, even staying with his group for months gave very little insight into his person. He was kind, he was intriguing, but it gave her no pleasure being treated like delicate and breakable glass around him. She was not royalty.
With him teaching her individually, Merlin learnt various ways of expressing magic, as well as feeling comfortable storing it away if needs must. And back in Camelot, it definitely was a must.
...~~IAOM~~...
(Merlin's POV)
I never realised how many cracks had begun to show when I was home. Here, especially in the evenings, while sat round the fire with my new friends, I'd notice how sated I felt. It was wonderful. Like I never had to look over my shoulder when Sadon made the rising embers take different shapes to entertain the group while we ate. Or never feeling a shiver of tension run down my spine when I observed Cristie place her hand gently over the back of her son's to heal a cut he obtained while playing.
The lessons were interesting, they were almost not even lessons at all. It wasn't a hour of sitting down and having Iseldir teach me something new every day. It was subtle, I didn't even know I'd leant something until I used it myself. It was so natural to do. And it wasn't just Iseldir who helped, everyone did.
There were times it was strange to think that these people had to teach me magic. I was their prophesised leader.
They treated me like their queen mostly. Addressing me as 'my Lady' or 'Emrys' even when I asked on a number of occasions not to. They bowed in my presence, they were awed by my opinion on the world, as if they weren't already living in it...
Of course, it was a road taken in both directions. They were there helping me, keeping me safe and sane, I was slowly turning into the person I was always talked up to be. And I helped out too. I told them stories, I looked after the children, I lent a hand here and there with chores. Yes, manually. We weren't totally dependant on our powers. And mostly importantly, we kept to ourselves.
Living in the forests is what these people would have done anyway without the ban on magic, or the great purge, said to have driven them out here. It was their choice of lifestyle, feeling closer to the earth and their magical bonds.
I still could not shake this notion away that though I was living amongst the druids, using magic everyday, mind clear, that it still felt... wrong. Like while here, I was forgetting it was simply a sort of holiday. And I'd catch myself remembering I had a very real and stressful job to head back to eventually. The great Emrys was still not ready to return. She was hidden, I couldn't find her. Yes, I had found my love for magic again, and learnt new little tricks to sustain my job in a life of servitude to the future king. But I needed to be more than that. More than little Merlin with magic she'd have to hide again.
I needed to awaken my full potential. The druids talked about it with me, and told me there was a way of getting the magic back I had repressed all these years. The power I would have already harnessed if my life had taken a different path away from the suffocating Kingdom of sorcerer-killing rulers. I would be able to keep this power, all of it, and still be able to contain it with as little discomfort as possible. Merlin would still exist, but Emrys, whatever she is like, would be more dominant...
The only thing was, the procedure was nothing but discomfort. Weeks at most of unimaginable pain. The elders had never endured it, but described it in the only way I could fathom: 'that magic is my blood, a part of me, my way to survive. And the blood needs to boil to bring what's hidden deep down to the surface.'
This revelation terrified me, but in order to get a grasp on this devil destiny I needed to be the best. Even if I had to change a little.
I hadn't intended to stay long, but I discovered months ago, this was where I needed to be. With people like myself, who could deal with my emotions and help my magic and body strengthen. And this was the key I had been searching for.
The key to Emrys.
...~~IAOM~~...
(Normal POV)
The druid people weren't fooling me. The ritual was agonising. The worst pain the young sorceress had ever felt. In the few days leading up to it, Merlin's health had plummeted, and she had to keep taking her tonics just to have the energy to walk. Her body, though young, felt decades old. She had dark circles under her eyes, and her skin was now paler, if that was even possible. The last few weeks she had felt like death, and at brief moments she came so close to wanting to give up entirely.
Merlin hadn't just left Camelot to get away from her isolating life there or to be able to use her powers again. But she also was on a personal mission to travel to different places, trying new methods and experimental procedures to treat her illness. Before now, she could keep it at bay with Gaius' tonics, and just battle through the symptoms that medicine couldn't conceal.
But lately the sickness had been winning, and the druids were helping best they could. However they explained that the same thing the warlock was willing to do to bind her magic to the earth, there was a small chance it would improve her health.
But even if it only marginally reduced the symptoms, it would have done its job. She just didn't want to feel sick. The date of Emrys' arrival had to be moved up.
(Merlin's POV)
We were inside the crystal cave. I lay on a stone table that had been draped in furs. Staring up at the ceiling, I could hear the handful of druids that came with me shuffling around. Joseph must have been painting symbols of the ground. A couple of them held torches, but there was already a beautiful bluish glow to the place given from the moonlight reflected off the crystals. Iseldir was the closest to me. I was scared... terrified.
Of the pain that would follow. Of the spell not even working. Of what I'll be like afterwards. Would I change too much?
Would I remain my old self, or someone I'd hate? Was it true what they said? Would too much magic corrupt me...?
These were questions I hadn't even asked anyone because I knew they were not sure themselves. Like many things, these people had only gotten their knowledge from stories passed down, and ancient prophesies. Clearly no-one would look at me and see their saviour.
I saw Iseldir's unreadable face at the edge of my vision. He leaned over to ask if I was ready. I didn't dare speak or look at him dead in the eye so I simply gave two quick nods. I only had to use my imagination to know the druids had pulled their hoods up. I myself was wearing a comfortable earthy coloured dress and thick green winter cloak they had given me. The children had woven little white flowers into my long hair before we departed. Did I really need to look presentable to be put through hell?
Only a few seconds in, I could feel it, and immediately I wanted it to stop. Iseldir began chanting a prayer in the language of the old religion. But I tried to push through the fear. This was all for the greater good.
...~~IAOM~~...
(Normal POV)
She no longer knew where she was. She had lost all sense of the world around her. It was hard to tell if the room was really spinning or she was. Had this pain only lasted a few seconds so far... or hours? She could hear deafening, blood-curdling screams she didn't think were possible for a person to make. She knew it was her screaming, however she felt like a third person hearing them submerged in water. Like an out-of-body experience, but the agony was there to remind her it wasn't. She could've killed for an out-of-body experience right now!
Her blood was boiling, burning her from the inside out. The heat felt so intense inside her head, Merlin could not open her eyes even if she wanted to.
And what made it worse was that it was changing her. She could see them, oh so dark thoughts, rising to the surface, tingling at her fingertips. Every moment in her life flashed before her, all the times she wanted to save someone but couldn't, all the lives lost to the cause. All the times she was left rejected or neglected, and disregarded by the people she only wanted to except her. All the times the young sorceress just wanted to march right up to Uther's stupid face and yell herself hoarse at his behaviour towards her kind. The moments she could have done nothing and let him die. All the times she kicked herself for actually making events happen because she missed her chance, like confiding in Morgana when she was terrified of her own dreams. Letting Mordred go. Not saving Will. The times she felt so angry she wanted to blast Arthur into a wall or just really wanted to kill someone...
No! This wasn't her! All the people she killed? She had to kill! She never wanted to get the taste for it. She would never want to harm her friends with her powers!
Did Emrys want this life?! Merlin certainly didn't. But now there was no turning back. Her head was close to exploding.
(Merlin's POV)
I can feel the darkness coming. I don't want this pain to stop on second thoughts. 'Course when it does, I won't want to be alive. Someone kill me, I'm afraid of what I'll become.
I'm afraid of myself.
...~~IAOM~~...
AN: Hope you enjoyed it. Any questions, constructive criticism and/or reviews are much appreciated please and thank you. BTW, I think next time I'll be adding a little of Skylar Grey's 'Coming Home' into the mix. Guess what next chapter will be about haha. Thanks very much and see ya next time ;)