I'M AFRAID OF MYSELF
AN: Hey everyone, SO sorry it took so long. Have been trying to neaten up a lot of stuff and then other personal things got in the way. I wanted this chapter to be as long and as descriptive as possible. Hope it was worth the wait. Enjoy :) BTW - Sorry if there were any spelling of grammatical errors. Hopefully shouldn't be, I read through it 5 times.
...~~IAOM~~...
(Merlin's POV)
It was quick, like falling asleep.
No, I didn't die. Though at some point I remember thinking I wanted to.
I had no recollection of ceasing in my screaming and waking up groggy, a day or so later I was told, in my tent.
I didn't feel different, but at the same time... I did. It was hard to process.
Two of the kind druid ladies were there taking care of me and filling me in on what happened.
Apparently, the ritual was a success. And they only knew that because... well, I wasn't dead. Iseldir and the others helped me back to the camp after being away for six hours.
Six hours, I was in there! I must have been in a state of catatonia.
I can comprehend things now. I'm thinking clearer.
But this morning was a very different story.
...~~IAOM~~...
(Normal POV, a day and 17 hours earlier)
In the night, the druids involved in the ritual arrived back in camp. It was a slow journey, for they had to assist Merlin. She was out of it, but her legs moved instinctively. Iseldir and another man supported her from each side, keeping her head up. Merlin's tent was slightly bigger than the others and had been prepared with thick blankets and handmade charms hung from the corners.
Since putting her down the night and following day dragged on restlessly, for the druids and for the young sorceress. Mild fevers and troubling dreams kept everyone on their feet for a while. Several trips to and from the lake throughout. It was a few hours before sunrise when the fevers finally died down and everyone could breath. They were not aware themselves just how hellish the procedure would be.
...~~IAOM~~...
(14 hours earlier)
A day later, in the early hours of the morning, the sun was yet to rise. Everything was crisp and fresh, and because of the chill to the air, the ground was blanketed by a thin layer of icy blue mist. The grass and leaves were tipped with dew.
At this cold time, the druid people were out and about. Even when there was barely enough light to see, they were the kind to not waste a single minute. If everyone in Camelot thought like this, maybe more would get done.
Fires were lit, clothes were hung out, and mothers were walking their children down the beaten path to the nearby lake to wash. They kept themselves busy as they awaited the condition of their guest.
Merlin stirred awake. She could feel she was wrapped in many blankets so it was difficult to move. In fact everything felt heavy, she couldn't lift her arms which rested on her stomach, and it took too much out of her just to open her eyes.
Hearing somebody on her left, the young warlock tried to speak, but could barely croak out a word.
A couple of older ladies took turns being by Merlin's bedside. Millicent, a short, mousey brown haired woman, had just settled down next to the patient when she heard her trying to speak.
She shushed Merlin soothingly and stroked her hair, darkened to golden from her previous fever. After guzzling down a cup of water and having some of the blankets removed, Merlin and the healer were able to make small conversation.
"Better?" The woman asked warmly.
"Much... Sorry, but who is that?"
"It's Millie, my Lady."
"Where can't I see?"
"Ah, I'm afraid you won't be able to open your eyes yet. We've had to bandage them closed."
"What, why?"
"We are cautious. Iseldir did not want to risk what we were not prepared for?"
Merlin turned her head to where she thought Millicent was, "What do you mean?"
The lady smiled sorrowfully and began measuring out tonics. "Well, this is the first time our group has performed such a spell. You have been exposed to such raw power, we believed precautions had to be taken."
"So when can I open my eyes?"
"Iseldir will decide-"
"-No, you don't understand," Merlin began to panic. "I can't be left in the dark! My thoughts will find me, they're not good!"
Millie took Merlin's hand gently and shushed her again. "Hey, now. What makes you say that?"
Merlin paused. "... I- I don't know. Sorry, I just- I thought for a moment something had gone wrong after last night..." It was half the truth.
"Oh no, don't worry about that, dear. There's nothing... physically wrong thatwecansee. And also, it wasn't last night. You've been asleep for a whole day."
Merlin chose to ignore how she rushed over the first half of that answer, though it unnerved her. And alright, it wasn't like she hadn't missed out whole days before...
"It worked then. Should I feel different?"
"Only time will tell, child. And only you can decide that. Now take these, they will help you regain your strength-"
...~~IAOM~~...
It was past sunrise but the sun didn't want to come out. It was going to be a cool dark day. Merlin felt strong enough to leave the tent, but it was advised she should keep the blindfold on and have either Millie or Ayleth help her around. Out she came, with her hair neatly braded, face washed and a thick blanket cloaked over her shoulders. She didn't feel cold. Actually, she felt a little flushed. But the ladies told her it was a necessary 'precaution'. She had heard that word a lot in a space of a couple of hours.
(Merlin's POV)
I couldn't take it any longer. At what might have been noon I had had enough of everyone tip toeing around me. I knew they were being helpful, but it was getting to a point where it became too secretive. They told me what I needed to know and only gave additional information if I asked for it. They described the day to me, it sounded beautiful. I wanted them to just keep talking to me about normal things. Because until I could take that blasted cloth away, I didn't want to remember the things I saw while I was in that cave. In a druid camp it was sort of hard not to be reminded of magic.
Talk wasn't helping anymore. I wanted to take in my surroundings, I was convinced it was the only thing that would stop my mind feeling like it was burning. Regret was starting to kick in. Should I have done this if I was going to feel like this?
At least I didn't feel as ill as before. Before I felt so weak and so small and depressed. Now I feel so strong I could destroy. I wanted more than anything for my magic to be let out, to try it out on something. Once thoughts turned dark again, I took that as the last straw. I could feel the darkness coming. This was Emrys?
I asked Ayleth to walk me down to the shore of the lake. Lowering myself down onto the pebbles, I could feel their coldness through my breeches and long coat. Hearing Ayleth say she was just going to get another blanket, I asked her to bring some food and drink as well.
When the footsteps on stone faded, I took a moment to soak in the peacefulness. The distant birdsong, the gentle lap of the water on the sand, the scraping sound of my shoes moving the pebbles about. The breeze had a frosty bite to it. It was clearly a grey sky, no sunlight warmed the skin.
My hands moved slowly up to the back of my head and undid the blindfold. Unwrapping the bandage round and round, it fell into my lap. I counted to ten. Easing my eyes open, they adjusted to the light of day.
What a sight. It was everything I had pictured. No sun, no colours, no blue sky, but oh what a view. The lake was wide and ambushed by pine trees all the way around. Its surface was so eerily still and mirrored the clouds above. In fact the east clouds looked like they were bringing a storm.
Nothing yet was happening. Maybe Iseldir was just being paranoid. What was so bad that I was not allowed to see?
I held out my hands. Normal. In fact, they had colour... yellow... gold?
The longer I stared, the more my hands began to tremor. My fingertips glowed and sparked out specs of gold. At first I was awed. This was my magic? How wonderful! Now how do I stop it...?
(Normal POV)
Suddenly a rush of energy shot straight through Merlin's body, the wind picked up and flowed loudly through the trees, disturbing the peace. The young sorceress started breathing heavily. In panic she threw her hands down hard against the stones. Force blew the stones closest out away from her left and right and smashed into others.
This reminded Merlin of her younger years. She now had so much more power she could hold and it was like her magical adolescence all over again. Scared of what was happening, and worried that if she couldn't get a handle on it in public, someone would see. What more potential did she have now?
The girl shakily moved the small distance over to the lake's edge. She dared to look at the person staring back, equally as nonplussed. It wasn't her!
Well, it was. It was her face, yes... but this Merlin was paler than ever. But her eyes; they were shining a fiery gold! Had they been like this all this time?!
Another thing caught her attention. Narrowing her eyes, Merlin grabbed the bindings of her braids and roughly pulled them out. Her locks came undone and flowed down over her shoulders, the wind blowing it across half of her face.
She leaned down closer towards her reflection until her nose was nearly touching the surface. Her hair was blonde, yes, but surely this was her new eyes playing tricks, shrouding everything about her in lying colours. No, her hair had definitely grown inches longer and so blonde it was almost as white as the sand.
Merlin sat hunched over, unmoving, staring at herself for an undetermined time. It can't have been long, as she heard footsteps getting closer. She didn't look up even when there was a thud and a clang noise. Ayleth threw all she had in her arms to the ground when she saw the bandage cloth amongst the pebbles.
The sorceress felt hands clutch her arms and she was pulled away from the lake. For the first time, Merlin acknowledged Ayleth, and frowned.
The Auburn haired woman worryingly looked the girl over like she was her child who had a nasty fall, Merlin just let her. The druid woman stopped when she caught that scowling expression.
The younger woman wrenched herself from the other's grip and stumbled to her feet, almost losing balance on the uneven terrain. She put distance between them and they both just stood facing eachother. Without warning, Merlin turned and ran for it into the tree-line.
She kept on, sprinting. There was a heartbeat in her ears. They had all lied to her! She was no longer Merlin. She could no more repress her magic now than she could when she arrived in their camp. She didn't even like how she looked. Emrys looked scary, and cold, and dangerous. What about her illness, was that really gone? Her magic burned behind her eyes again. The gales followed her through the trees. The air got colder. It was a fool's fight. Merlin was running from herself, and she was afraid.
She was back there, stood on the shore facing Ayleth. She raised her hand up towards the woman. With the great force of her power and anger combined, she clenched her hand into a fist. Ayleth jumped and gasped, like something had grasped her by the throat, choking...
No, she wouldn't do this! Emrys is angry, Merlin is not like this!
When she saw the white of the druid's wide eyes and feeling her life starting to slip away by her hand, she waved her arm away from her as if burnt. Ayleth's whole body picked up off the ground and was thrown in the direction of the lake...
An old memory then flashed before her. In fact a few.
She stood up from where she was being held by one of Cenred's men. Before the king could react, she used her magic to grip the sword of one of his men and plunge it into the barbarian king's chest.
She laughed as she pushed the witch finder out of the window herself, in front of everyone. No one attempts to kill her guardian.
She approached the king as he lay in bed, unmoving and vacantly staring up at the canopy. Morgana's betrayal has hit you hard, I know. Reaching for a pillow, she placed it over the man's face.
Just as Agravaine was about to plunge his sword into her, she forced him back. His head hit the rocks hard and he was killed instantly. With a cold expression she walked away unremorseful. In fact she felt a smile appear. He may have been Arthur's uncle, but it felt good finally being the one to teach him where his loyalty should have sided with...
Arthur would you just listen to me! Fine! You want an evil sorceress, I can be her. She pinned the prince against the wall and sent and fiery ball of death his way-
A root thankfully ended that vision. Merlin landed on her front, knocking the wind out of her. She began calling out. To no-one in particular. Her mouth moved but her ears were deaf to what was coming out. She just wanted these thoughts to stop.
I'm not a monster, am I? She remembered herself half joking. But her guardian replied differently.
Yes, Merlin. I'm afraid so...
Stick to what you do best. NOTHING!
I can't trust you. You are a sorcerer. You should be executed!
If the sorceress could comprehend anything, she would have noticed her hands switching between clawing at the ground and at her head, causing blood to drip down her forehead. Her mouth stretched wide open but she heard no screams escaping. The world around Merlin darkened and blurred out, replaced by deafening shouts of people in her head, some she recognised and some she couldn't place. As she felt herself slip into oblivion, the visions merged together. She couldn't tell which twisted moments she had lived before, and if what she was seeing were windows into the future. Either way, there would be blood shed, destruction, death and sorrow.
Visions of war, and fighting, and men falling.
The high turrets of the Castle crumbling down.
A crown being placed on someone's head, reflecting to rays of sun.
A pair of dazzling ice blue eyes and a mop of dark curls which looked so familiar.
Someone she didn't recognise glaring straight at her like she was a ghost.
The pictures like the rest of the world greyed out and the last thing she understood was hearing a whisper. Herself.
I can't do this
I need some help-
...~~IAOM~~...
AN: *Phew!* Hope you liked. This chapter was a right challenge, I can tell ya! I wanted to put as much description as I could, because as I was typing, I was imagining the scene and just wanted to get everything out before I forgot it. Thinking about how Merlin would be like if all these possibilities suddenly became open to her and her powers could do so much more than her personality would allow.
All the future visions and quotes won't be covered in this fic, but leaving it to the imagination it could be anything to do with upcoming battles, decisions going wrong, and new ruler being crowned... you decide ;) Either way it would frighten anyone.
Anyhoo, please don't forget to leave a review, that would be just heaven :) Thank you very much for reading.
I shall see you soon. Byyyyye.