A/N This chapter was harder to go back and edit than I thought it would be, but its finished, and I hope you enjoy it. Warning: Sad
A calm breeze blew through the air of Hong Kong as a black SUV moved down a dirt road. Draidyan Lin sat in the driver's side, carefully maneuvering the vehicle down the path. Lukida sat in the passenger side, lightly drumming his fingers against the dash in tune to the song that was playing on the radio.
In the backseat, Lifen, Madoka and Lin sat in tight quarters. The Onmyouji had his head propped up against the window. His eyes were closed and his breathing was shallow - he'd fallen asleep not long after they had left the airport in the car that Drai had rented.
This was the first restful sleep that Lin had gotten since the ordeal with Kanon had started. Truth be told, he needed the extra sleep - he would have a stressful experience the next day. They were having his Dajun's funeral.
It had been three weeks since he had been murdered. His organs had been removed and donated to Nazuke a week before. The surgery had gone well - Nazuke was expected to make a full recovery, though he hadn't been healthy enough to make the journey home for the funeral.
After a few moments of driving in silence, Draidyan pulled the car into a familiar driveway. They'd arrived home after a several hour long trip. Draidyan met Madoka's gaze in the rearview mirror. "This is home. Welcome to your first stay in China - I wish I could say that in more pleasant circumstances, but you do your best with the cards that life deals you." he said, offering a slight smile.
Madoka smiled back before turning towards Lin so that she could wake him up. To her surprise, his eyes were already open. He was staring at the seat in front of him with a seemingly confused expression on his face.
Madoka gently laid her hand on his shoulder - he didn't look at her or even move a muscle. Madoka worriedly looked at the two oldest Lin brothers in the front seat. Lukida saw her expression and chuckled. "He's fine, just struggling to wake up completely. He rarely sleeps restfully - he was diagnosed with chronic insomnia when he was less than ten. So every time Koujo sleeps considerably well, he has a difficult time waking up and staying awake. He's fighting sleep right now when his body actually needs more time to recuperate. He should be fine in a moment and if not, Drai and I will haul him to bed." Lukida reached his arm into the back seat and hit his younger brother on the leg.
Lin grabbed his wrist and twisted it in irritation. "I'm. Awake." He enunciated slowly for effect before releasing Lukida's arm. Lifen let out a frustrated sigh.
"We haven't been home for five minutes and you two are already fighting? Seriously, can't you wait a few hours at least?" She demanded, glaring at both of the offending brothers in turn. Neither of them said a word, both shocked at their sister's sudden outburst. "You're grown men - don't you think it's a good time to act like it?"
Draidyan met her gaze in the mirror, his expression grim. "Princess, they weren't fighting, or really even arguing. You know how we are - if they were truly fighting, one of them would be on the ground bleeding."
Lifen wasn't amused in the least by Draidyan's honest reply. "I don't care if they were seriously fighting. It's not a good time to get mad at each other. We're going to be burying dad tomorrow - Mom will need our support." Tears were glistening in her eyes, but she refused to let them fall; she'd cried enough already.
Realizing that they'd unintentionally upset Lifen badly enough where she could cry, Lukida and Lin locked gazes. Lin held his hand out to Lukida who grabbed it and squeezed tightly.
"I'm sorry." both said in unison. Lifen nodded at them in approval as she wiped away the last of her unspilled tears.
"Thank you." she said, her voice wavering with her emotions.
Draidyan coughed to get everyone's attention. "I believe that we should go inside - mother is waiting for us and I think that she'll want us settled in before dinner."with that he opened his door and stepped out.
Everyone else followed his lead as they walked into the house.
...
Lin stood awkwardly in the living room of the house that he'd lived in during his childhood. It felt foreign to him now - as if his time away had erased him entirely from the house's history. That wasn't the case - he was sure of that.
In reality his feeling of eerie uneasiness was being caused by the haunting ghost of a memory that still plagued him. He remembered the dream that had taken place in this house weeks before, in which he had seen his entire family, aside from Lifen, dead on the kitchen table. He kept expecting to start smelling the nauseating scent of blood and decay. No matter how hard he tried, he was unable to shake off the feeling that all was not well. What if his dream had been some sort of sick premonition?
"Koujo? Are you alright dear?" Lin blinked and looked down. He was met with a pair of concerned sky blue eyes. His mother stood in front of him, staring up at him warily.
Lin didn't think. He just wrapped his arms around the little woman and hugged her tightly. This was the first time that
he'd seen his mom in over a year - he had missed her.
Lotus stood on her tippy toes so that she could kiss him on the cheek affectionately.
Lin offered her a half smile.
"It's good to see you, mom."
Lotus nodded and stepped away from from her middle son.
"It's wonderful to have you home, hun. Now go wash up and get ready for dinner."
Lin smirked. It was just like his mom to have food ready.
...
Hours after everyone had finished dinner, Lotus had stated that they should all get ready for bed - they had to arrive at the funeral home earlier than the rest of the family to ensure that everything was in order.
It would be a grueling task, but it was necessary. A family friend would be arriving in the morning as well so that she could ride to the funeral with them - she would be there by seven a.m, so everyone would need to be awake by time she arrived to greet her.
Lin stood the bedroom he had lived in during his childhood. Nothing had been changed after he'd moved out - his mother hadn't had the heart to move any of the things he'd left behind.
It made him feel nostalgic to be back, though he knew that too much had changed for it to ever truly feel like home to him again. His life had changed permanently. Some of it for the better, and some of it in ways that would affect him for years to come.
Sighing deeply, Lin stepped out of his bedroom and headed towards Nazuke's room - Madoka was staying there in the youngest Lin brother's absence.
He knocked on the door and heard the muffled "Come in." through the door.
He did as he was beckoned and entered the room. Madoka sat atop the blue sheets on the small bed. She looked up when Lin approached the bed and smiled at him sweetly.
"Hey."she said, scooting over so that he could sit beside her. The Omnyouji took his place beside her and smiled.
"I wanted to tell you goodnight - I actually wasn't sure if you'd still be awake. Its been a hectic day."
Madoka nodded, though she suddenly seemed nervous. Lin stared at her in confusion. "Is everything alright, Madoka?"
The pink hair lady jumped, as if she had forgotten that Lin was sitting there. "Um.." she muttered, not looking at her boyfriend.
Lin grabbed her chin and forced her to look at him. "You know that you can tell me anything, right? Whatever is going on, immediately assume that it applies. With that in mind, tell me what you need to say."
Madoka sighed deeply. "Lin.. my.. cycle.." she began, wincing as soon as the words came out of her mouth. She'd meant to bring it up differently, but the damage had been done.
Lin didn't even blink. Things like this didn't bother him - he, unlike some men, understood that this was a natural thing that went on in a woman's body - he had no reason to be squeamish about something that she couldn't control. He said none of these things to her, he simply raised an eyebrow and prodded her to continue. "What about it?"
Madoka blushed. "Its..late." she said, wringing her hands nervously. "It was supposed to have started about a week ago, but it hasn't."
Lin stiffened slightly. He knew all too well what this could mean for them. But.. how had this happened? He'd been careful - he'd made sure to - how had he failed at that?
"Are you...?" he questioned, not quite sure what he wanted to ask - probably several things including, are you sure, and more prominently, are you pregnant?
Madoka grabbed his hand gently. "Just because its late doesn't immediately mean "boom, pregnant" - there could be a number of reasons why I haven't started yet. I just brought it up to you because I felt like you should know that even if this doesn't meant that I'm definitely pregnant, that is a possibility." she paused, and met his gray gaze. "If I am pregnant, its yours - you deserved to be made aware."
Lin nodded, though he said nothing. There was a chance that he was going to be a father. He didn't know how to respond. Madoka leaned forward and kissed his cheek. "Don't overthink it too much right now - I haven't even taken a test - I'm going to wait a few days before I do that to see if it starts." she touched his arm gently. Lin turned his attention to her and she smiled. "Lin.. if I'm not pregnant, do you want kids at some point?"
Lin shifted uncomfortably on the bed. This had been the question that he wanted to avoid. "That is a difficult question to answer, and one that I might not be able to offer a coherent explanation to. Nonetheless, I'll try to tell you my stance on children." he got to his feet in front of the bed and looked down at her. "First of all, my father and I have had a.. strained relationship since I was about eight years old. That was during the time that I first began being able to see the spirits of the dead that had become shiki - but I could only see them out of my "blind" right eye. I grew my hair out so that I had a veil - a barrier if you will so that I didn't have to see them all the time unless I wished to. My father didn't understand any of this. He thought that my childhood was a game that my brothers and I had decided to play with him. He thought that we were trying to take him for a fool - finally make him believe in our abilities and then tell him that it really was all a lie. My relationship with Dajun shaped several parts of my personality. Sometimes, I'm not sure for the better. Example A is being shown today - my reluctance to have children of my own. I don't.. I don't want to be the type of father that my dad was."
Madoka stared at Lin intently. She had not been able to get a single word had she wanted to while Lin had been speaking - it was as if he were trying to tell her everything in one breath. And even then, she felt like he wasn't entirely finished. "I feel like you have more to say - go ahead. I can hold my questions until the end." was the only thing that she told him.
Taking a deep breath, Lin continued. "I apologize for my... unorganized thoughts a moment ago - this is.. harder than I thought that it would be. Recapping what I said - my dad and I had not been close for some time. He was this way with all of his children, from Draidyan all the way down to Lifen. Later in life I had a more difficult time with his comments as my job as an Omnyouji was made possible by my abilities as a spiritualist. It was far from pleasant coming home when I did only to fight with him. Our relationship colored my perception of children."
Madoka looked at Lin sadly. "You think you'll be a bad father because of your relationship with your dad?"
Lin nodded. "As strange as it might sound, I feel like my father has influenced me more than I'd like to admit. It might not be rational, but the truth of the matter is that I don't want my kids to not be able to have a relationship with me because I was too damn stubborn to trust them."
Madoka felt like crying - she had never known that Lin and his father had not been close since Lin's childhood. Even when they had dated the first time, he had never told her anything about his father. She'd never thought to ask why - she'd always assumed that he missed him and didn't want to bring him up. But now she realized that it was something entirely different. And now he tells her that whatever it was the really went on between them had influenced Lin so much to the point where he wasn't sure if he ever wanted to be a father himself.
Reigning in her emotions, Madoka smiled at Lin as calmly as she could manage, though she felt like screaming on the inside. "You aren't your father, Lin. I wouldn't worry about being like him - you know what his biggest mistake was, so do you truly think that you'd be foolish enough to replicate it? I don't believe you would."
"Just because I know where my father's faults laid doesn't mean that I'm not afraid that I won't make the same mistakes. Even if I know what to avoid, that doesn't mean that I won't forget. I could easily hear one suspicious thing come out of my child's mouth and not believe them - what if that one lie leads to be never being able to trust them?" Lin replied stubbornly.
Madoka closed her eyes and shook her head, tiring of the conversation. "Look, we can talk about this later - we've got to get up early in the morning. There's nothing to worry about until we're sure in the first place. Go get some sleep."
...
Six hours after his conversation with Madoka, Lin stood in his bedroom wearing his suit pants and shirt - the matching black jacket was missing from the ensemble. He knew where his jacket was, though he didn't particularly want to go and retrieve it.
The missing article of clothing was residing in Draidyan's closet. The oldest brother stored all of his younger siblings fancy clothing along with his due to the fact that he had the biggest closet. When he'd sorted out the clothing, he'd apparently forgotten to bring Lin his jacket. Figures.
Sighing deeply, Lin walked out of his room and into the hallway. Draidyan's room was across the hall from his. Lin pushed the door open and stepped inside. Draidyan was standing in front of his bed shirtless, with a suit vest clutched in his hand. He'd been in the middle of changing. Lin noticed the familiar tribal tattoo that decorated the upper part of Drai's back, but below it he saw something that he had never seen before.
There was a marking in his back - it looked like it had been engraved into his flesh. The skin around it was red and raw looking. It was like the mark had been etched into his back as he was being burned. Lin shuddered as he realized that was exactly what must have happened to Drai.
Draidyan turned towards Lin a moment later, silver eyes guarded. "Koujo, is there something you need?"
Lin didn't know what to say. Kanon had done something so severe to his brother, but Draidyan hadn't told him? Why had he kept it secret? "The burn on your back. Something has been scarred into it...?"
Drai approached Lin and turned around, giving his brother full view of the injury. Lin stared at it intently for a moment before realizing that the marking was not random - it was in fact one, cryptic word; Remember.
Lin's eyes widened as Drai turned around to face him. "Don't ask me what it means. I have no idea - I didn't particularly feel like playing twenty questions as the bastard was burning me." he sighed deeply as he remembered another detail. "We should go see Luki."
...
"Luk, take your shirt off." Draidyan commanded his younger brother as soon as they found him in his room. Lukida stared at him as if he'd lost his mind.
"That's an odd request, Drai - and not one I'd expect to get from you if I'm being completely honest. I was under the impression that you liked females, not males in your own fam-" Lukida would have continued, had Draidyan's expression not been quite so threatening.
"Luki, you know exactly why I'm telling you to take your shirt off, so just do it, alright?"
Lukida shook his head and did as he was asked, carefully peeling off the white undershirt he was wearing to reveal his torso. Lin stared at Lukida from his position beside Drai.
Lukida's stomach was red and inflamed, though in a different way than Drai's back had been. He had obviously be cut with a sharp object - Lin didn't want to know what. There was a message inscribed into this injury as well, which seemed to continue the one that Draidyan bore.
This one simply said two words; "the snow". Lin blinked in confusion as he put the words together in his head to form a sentence "Remember the snow".
Lin immediately thought back to the only memory that he could remember clearly that had taken place during the winter months. The death of his best friend, Shun Song. Realization hit him with the force of a stampeding bull.
He paled instantly and took an involuntary step backwards, his back hitting the wall. He slowly slid to the floor as Draidyan rushed towards him fearfully.
"Koujo, what happened?" he asked, kneeling down in front of Lin.
Lin just shook his head. He didn't want to say what he'd just realized. The connections he made were too much for him to handle. How had he been so blind? Why hadn't he been able to see the invisible lines that connected him to Kanon?
"Koujo, if you don't start talking in the next thirty seconds, I'm going to start hitting you." Draidyan said irritably. His brother's silence was scaring him deeply - he'd never seen Lin shocked so completely.
Lin closed his eyes and laid his head against the wall. "Kanon is Shun." He stated bluntly, all emotion seemingly gone from his voice. He felt drained, both emotionally and physically. He hadn't realized that his best friend was the shiki he had bound until it'd been thrown into his face - irrefutable proof that he'd been ignoring the things that Kanon had been saying.
Draidyan stared a him with wide silver eyes. "Are you sure?"
Lin didn't look at him. "Do you remember what season Shun died in?"
Drai's eyebrows furrowed together as he thought back to a memory that had taken place when he had been around sixteen years old. "It was Winter, wasn't it?"
Lin nodded. "It was. And in what season does it typically snow?"
Draidyan didn't answer, he simply stood up and held his hand out to Lin, who took it. He allowed Drai to haul him to his feet.
"I don't think you're wrong, Koujo. In fact, I think that you've hit the nail on the head. However, we don't have time to overthink anything right now - we've got to finish getting ready. We're being forced to attend the aftermath of something that 'Shun' has done - we'll worry about his next move after we're done with this mess."
...
"Lukida!" a happy, excited voice squealed. A petite woman with sandy brown hair and chocolate eyes ran through the front door of the Lin household at full speed, straight in the direction of the second oldest Lin brother.
Lukida braced himself for the onslaught as she raced to the living room and quite literally tackle hugged him. She grabbed him directly around his waist near the wound on his stomach due to their staggering difference in height. The twenty eight year old's eyes were as wide as saucers as he fought the instant pain that began pulsating in his abdomen.
The redish brown haired girl noticed how the object of her affection had stiffened up when she'd wrapped her arms around him.
"Luki, what's wrong?" she asked, her bottom lip quivering slightly. Draidyan got off the living room couch where he'd been sitting and approached the woman. He gently pried her arms off of Lukida who held his stomach tightly.
"Kohana sweetie, Lukida was injured no more than three weeks ago - it just so happens that you hugged him directly where he got hurt. That's why he didn't return the gesture."
Kohana gasped in horror as she broke away from Draidyan and rushed towards Lukida again. She wanted to hug him but didn't want to hurt him again.
Sensing her dilemma, Lukida grabbed her by rhe arm, pulling her to his side. He wrapped his arms around her waist and hugged her gently.
"Its not that I wasn't excited to see you, Kohana. I just haven't fully recovered."
Kohana nodded, though there were tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry about your dad, Luki."
"I am too." Lukida muttered as he glanced at the clock hanging on the wall. "Speaking of which, I've got to go and get Koujo and Madoka - its time to head out."
...
Koujo sighed deeply as he stood in front of the solid oak doors of the funeral home. He hadn't really thought about preparing for the death of his parents. He'd known that they were beginning to get old, though neither of them had ever slowed down any in their later years.
Though to his credit, he wasn't here due to the death of his father from old age. No.. he was here because of a much darker cause of death. Dajun had been murdered by the one who had once been Lin's closest friend. The sentence caused a vile taste in Lin's mouth and he swallowed.
He met the eyes of his mother, who had yet to push the door to the funeral home open. He could see it in her gaze that she was stalling. She didn't want to see the body of the man that she had been married to since she was twenty years old, lying in a casket with his skin ice cold to the touch despite him being clothed in his best suit.
Unsure of what to do, Lin reached a hand down towards his mother, placing it on her shoulder.
"Mother, do you need me to open the door?" he asked gently. Lotus shook her head as she finally grabbed the handle of the door.
"No. I.. need to be the one to do this." the door was pushed open and a gust of cold air rushed out, encompassing Lin as he took the first steps into the room where his father's final viewing would take place.
Madoka walked to his side and grabbed his hand, squeezing it tightly. Lin was glad for her comfort - her hand in his was the only sort of warmth he could feel in this place.
Draidyan walked behind Lin, his hand resting gently on his younger brother's back. Lukida and Kohana stood a few feet back, slowly keeping pace with the others.
The carpet eventually came to an end, and Lin was face to face with a dark casket. He knew what laid in the box - there were no surprises here. Only death, and a penetrating sense of cold. It froze his bones, preventing him from walking any closer.
Lin would have stayed like that permanently had he not felt arms wrap around his shoulders from behind, and heard a deep and familiar voice next to his ear. "I know this isn't easy, but you've got to keep walking if you want to say your goodbyes to dad. If you honestly don't think that you can, step outside and take breather. Dad would understand." Draidyan said calmly, stepping out from behind his brother so he could approach his father's casket.
Lin shook his head, suddenly feeling dizzy. He had thought that he'd come to terms with the death of loved ones after his grandparents, but he realized now that he hadn't. Or maybe it was just worse - experiencing the death of one of your own parents.
Draidyan could hear Lin's suddenly uneven breathing. He turned around and met his gaze. "Koujo, just go outside before you pass out in here - I'd rather not call an ambulance for you when we don't even have thirty minutes before the other guests will arrive."
Lin stared at his mother who had reached the casket. She turned to look at her son and offered him a weak smile. "Honey, go outside for a little bit - its okay if you're not ready. No one's blaming you. Its hard to lose a loved one; you can come back in when the funeral starts and say goodbye."
Lin pulled his hand away from Madoka and turned away from his father's casket. He took a few deep breaths before walking down the row of pews towards the closed door of the building. He pulled it open and stepped outside.
There was a rocking chair sitting on the porch. He took seat in the and rested his head on his hands, all the while trying and failing to regulate his breathing.
As this was happening, a looming figure with dark hair and penetrating blue eyes stood just outside of the man on the porch's line of sight. He'd been watching the entire family since they'd arrived at the funeral home.
Kanon had come to watch the emotional turmoil that his actions had caused the family of his victim. So far he'd been more than satisfied. The widow of the man he'd killed had hesitated for a satisfactory amount of time before she had found the emotional control to push the door open.
And then once everyone had finally gotten inside, Koujo had walked back out after only about five minutes. The Onmyouji had been nearly as pale as his father who was now devoid of life. It was obvious that it had upset him greatly entering the funeral home in the first place, but the thought of seeing his father for the last timed had apparently been too much for him.
He had exited the building and was now sitting on the porch with a dreary expression on his face. Kanon had achieved his goal - cause Lin as much emotional stress as he possibly could in the shortest amount of time.
Kanon now had a decision to make; what the next move in his plan would be. There were two possibilities. On one hand, a plan of action that would most definitely cause Koujo the highest level of pain imaginable. The prospect was almost appealing enough to make Kanon's mouth water. However on the other hand rested a personal vendetta that the shiki had yet to resolve.
The vendetta was one that Kanon has obtained during his human life. It was against the first person who had ever done him wrong – the one who was at the root of all of the rage that he was feeling now.
Yes.. the thought of causing him the greatest amount of fear imaginable was like ecstasy to Kanon's mind. He could finally make him suffer.
Kanon chuckled darkly as he realized that there had never really been a choice to make – he'd known all along which course of action that he was next going to take.
Kanon's next destination would be to a prison facility located in Hong Kong.
…
…
Guests were beginning to file in one by one into the funeral home where Dajun's final viewing would take place. The immediate family of the deceased were scattered around, mingling with distant relatives and reminiscing about their shared memories of Dajun.
Lin stood just inside the door of the funeral home with his back against the wall. He still felt like he was being suffocated, like the walls were closing in on him and constricting his airways. He knew that it was his panic that was causing the sensation of suffocation, however that did ease his discomfort any.
He stood like that for several seconds before he realized that he was being approached by someone that nearly made his heart stop. It was his father – Dajun, walking towards him, smiling, breathing, and alive. Lin stiffened against the wall, hoping to ward the ghostly apparition away.
It was no use. Dajun continued walking towards Lin with a small, sad smile on his face. As he got closer, Lin slowly realized that something was off - the version of Dajun approaching him was considerably taller than he remembered his father being. And his eyes were distinctly green, not the familiar steel gray that Lin had inherited.
"Fang" Lin muttered as the look alike of his father stood in front of him. Fang Lin grinned at the son of his brother.
"Just Fang now, is it?" he questioned, pulling his nephew towards him for a hug. "I used to be Uncle Fang."
Lin laughed a bit. "You still are, though I didn't think you really cared whether or not I used your title. I was under the impression that you knew your relation to me. Or are you already getting old enough that your mind is starting to fail you?"
Fang looked furious. "I'm not that old you know."
Lin nodded his head agreeably. "Uh huh. And the world isn't round, right?" he hit his uncle on the shoulder lightly. "I know you've still got a good few years left in you, Uncle Fang."
Fang nodded, though his demeanor had obviously changed. He had become stoic and serious, which made him resemble his now deceased twin more than Lin felt comfortable with. "How are you doing, Koujo?"
Lin sighed and shook his head. "I can't give you an honest answer. I thought that I'd come to terms with Dad's passing, but when I was faced with approaching his casket and seeing him..-"
"Dead?" Fang offered helpfully, though his tone no longer held any humor.
Lin looked away. "Yeah."
"I know that you and Dajun didn't have the best relationship, but he was still your dad and he loved you all dearly. He loved you, Kou." Fang said gently.
Lin clenched his fist. "I realized that. But by the time I had, it was far too late for me to truly let the fact sink in. I was there when he died, Fang."
A hand was suddenly resting on the Onmyouji's shoulder - Fang's. "I know you were - your mother told me everything that I wished to hear, which honestly wasn't much. I'd rather not know every detail of my brother's death. My point is, I know that you were with him in his final moments. I'd like to believe that he told you everything that he needed to so that he felt like he could leave this world without regrets. The same goes for you - I hope that you had time to tell your father what you needed to."
As soon as Fang finished speaking, a deep voice rang throughout the funeral home. "If the family and friends of the deceased would all take a seat, we will begin honoring the life of Dajun Lin."
Lin realized that it was his cue to take a seat beside his brothers on the front pews. He did as the funeral director bid him, giving his uncle one last solemn glance as Fang took his seat beside Lotus.
Lin sat in the middle of Lukida and Draidyan as the funeral director began rambling on about his father's life. He didn't want to hear most of it, and he refused to look up at the man speaking for more than a moment, less his eyes wander behind him to glance into the casket that contained Dajun. He would face the obstacle of saying his final goodbyes to his father only when he could no longer avoid it.
Before long, the director had finished his speech, and all of the guests were allowed to view the body of Dajun for the last time. Lin was nudged forward by Lukida who smiled at him. "I'll go up there with you."
Lin nodded as he rolled his shoulders and stuffed his hands inside his suit pockets. Lukida walked beside him as he maneuvered his way through the crowd of people towards his father's casket. This time when he was within range, he didn't avoid looking up.
His gaze slowly traveled upwards until he was met with the now familiar casket. His muscles involuntarily stiffened and he faltered in his step. Lukida glanced at him sympathetically. "Still don't think you can do this?"
Lin shook his head and sighed. "I can handle it."
Lukida simply urged Lin forward with his hand. "If you're sure that you can handle it, the only thing you have left to do is look up. That is, when you've prepared yourself."
Lin stood like that for several seconds until he no longer felt like there was a reason for him to continue avoiding the inevitable. He slowly moved his eyes upwards.
His gaze landed on his father lying in the casket. Lukida grabbed his brother's shoulder as calmly as possible as Lin stared at their father. He tried to open his mouth, but no words came out. It felt like cotton had been stuffed into his mouth. He tried to speak past the dryness, but it was impossible.
Lukida watched him worriedly. "Koujo, you're pale again. Are you doing alright?"
Lin nodded his head without looking at Lukida. "Yes." his brother's voice had seemingly grounded him back to reality. He knew what he needed to say and was finally prepared to say it. It would hurt like hell to vocalize his thoughts, though he knew that he'd never be at peace with his father's death if he didn't say everything he needed, just as Fang had hoped he'd gotten to do before his father had passed.
"Dad. We.. fought more often than we had casual conversation, but you were still my father . I realize why it was hard for you to believe us - our abilities have never been normal. You are.." the onmyouji coughed as he realized that his choice of words were no longer applicable. "were.. a very controlled man. Our powers never conformed to your standards of reality. You couldn't accept that something outside the bounds of what is explainable by Science existed, let alone had affected all of your children. I know that, though that has never made it any easier. I grew up treating my older brothers as father figures more than brothers, because I was too afraid to tell you when I had a problem. Because family is important to me - very much so, actually. I could never erase the ties to you that made you my father, and I never desired to. Growing up with our relationship standing on broken glass as it always did was difficult, but you were still my father. And now you're gone, and I could't do anything to stop it. I'm.." Lin cut off suddenly as he realized that he was crying.
Lukida pulled Lin into a hug as the middle brother's emotions finally leaked through the cracks.