Past: Separation

Lucy was standing at her window, starring at the young man sitting on his bike and watching her house. He was one of the prospects but she couldn't remember his name. He had been outside her home all night and she wondered who would come to replace him. Slowly she backed away from the window and retreated downstairs. She hadn't talked to Jax in over three weeks, not since she had thrown him and his family out of her house. The morning after she had found out about her father he had written her a message stating that someone from the club was going to stay with her at all times. When she had answered with telling him to go to hell, he hadn't replied and she knew that he wasn't going to have that discussion with her. She could hate him as much as she wanted but he was still going to keep her safe.
He didn't know that Lucy had taken her own precautions. Her mother and Gemma had shown her how to use a gun when she hadn't even been thirteen yet. The two old ladies had an impressive stock of different models and brands and over the years she had practiced with them all. Now her mother's stock was hidden carefully all around the house and she was always carrying her dad's loaded Glock 17 around. She peaked out the window again and tried to think of the prospects name but she just couldn't figure it out.
She had just started preparing herself some breakfast when she heard a car roll into the driveway. She checked the time. It wasn't even nine yet. She couldn't hear any commotion so it had to be someone they knew. Otherwise the prospect would already be moving but from what she could see, he was still sitting on his bike. She headed for the door, opened it and starred into the worried looking face of Gemma Teller.
"What do you want?" Lucy asked and her voice sounded harsher then she had intended to.
Gemma gave her a disapproving look but that didn't hide the worry in her face: "Hi baby, can I come in?"
Lucy snorted but let her enter anyway. Gemma followed her into the kitchen and placed her purse on the counter. Lucy always felt nauseous when entering this room but she had decided on sucking it up.
"I just wanted to check in on you," Gemma stated. Lucy rolled her eyes which Gemma ignored.
"You don't have to look after me," Lucy replied and poured some milk on top of her cereal.
Gemma shrugged: "Of course I do, you're family."
"I was."
Gemma's eyes widened in anger: "don't you dare say that."
"Why not? Jax and I are over. My mother is dead thanks to your family and my father is going to spend the rest of his life in jail because your son and husband fucked up."
Gemma crossed her arms: "this isn't the clubs fault and it sure as hell isn't Jax'."
"Whatever. Just go," she motioned for the door: "I don't really want anything to do with you anymore." Lucy was surprised at how cold her voices sounded. Her words took Gemma by surprise. It took some time before she had found her speech again.
"You listen to me. We've known you all your life. Your mom and your dad are part of my family, which means you are part of it, whether you like that or not. Your parents might not be here anymore but your family sure as hell is and we're not leaving. So you can be a bitch for as long as you like sweetheart but you're not scaring me," she pulled her leather purse over her shoulder again and walked towards the front door. She opened it but then turned around once more: "You're Jax Teller's old lady and that means something, so you better start behaving like it, before you drive him away. Because I promise you, he isn't as forgiving as I am."
With that Gemma stepped outside and pulled the door shut in loud bang.
Lucy leaned back against the fridge and closed her eyes. Tears filled them again. She knew Gemma was right. She kept telling herself that she was better off without the club and its members. But the truth was that those people were all the family she had left and still she was trying so hard to push them away.

Lucy put her car in reverse and rolled out of the drive way. Another club member had taken the prospects place and was watching her while starting his bike simultaneously. Happy didn't look pleased since she had only thrown him a nasty look when he had called and asked where she was going. She was so annoyed with having a babysitter everywhere she went. But right now she had more urgent things to think about.
The club's lawyer had called an hour after Gemma had left and told her that she was finally allowed to visit her dad. She had tried to talk finances with him but he had put it off and told her that everything was taken care of. She didn't want the club to pay for anything but she knew she couldn't afford a lawyer herself and her parent's savings had been eaten up by her mother's funeral. She didn't know how to cover the mortgage of the house. Fuck, she didn't even know how to cover her living expenses. She knew she would have to sell the house. It killed her to think about doing that but there was no way around it if she didn't want to ask the club for money.
Shortly after her father had been taken into custody she had started looking through all of her parent's documents and realized that her only option was selling the house and using the money to buy herself a little apartment on the outskirts of town.
Now she was headed over to Stockton to finally talk to her daddy. She was scared of what he would be seeing. She knew that his little girl was gone. All the shit that had gone down had taken a great toll on her. She wasn't her old self anymore and she knew that. She had to grow up faster than she had ever intended to. She noticed how she was speeding through town but she didn't care. Maybe somebody would stop the biker behind her and she'd finally be without supervision. She watched Happy in her rearview mirror and wondered how things had gone from great to bad to fucking worst in a matter of weeks. She was still wistfully thinking about college but she knew that ship had sailed the moment she had stepped into her house that tragic evening almost eight weeks ago. She pushed the thoughts of school and her mother away and focused on the task ahead. She had to settle things with her father and she wasn't really keen on telling him about selling the house.
She was so deep in thought, the pinging sound her phone made when she received a text message startled her. She pulled it out of her purse and opened the message without looking at the screen. At the next red light she scanned it.

Just talked to my mom. I don't care how much you try to push me away. You love me. You're mine and that's how it'll always be. Please come see me tonight. Jax

Lucy tossed her phone into the foot space of the passenger seat and clutched onto the steering wheel. He knuckles were turning white but she couldn't loosen her grip. Jax' words touched her somewhere deep down and she hated herself for wanting to call him and tell him how much she needed him. She couldn't be with someone who loved the one thing she hated the most. The club was everything to him. All her anger and pain weren't enough to make her forget that it was never a women's place to take that from her man. She would always be a good old lady. That's how she was raised. Jax had always been her hero and no matter what he did that was never going to change. But she couldn't be part of his world anymore and that had to be her loss not his.
A knock on the window made her jump. She hadn't even realized that she was still standing at the traffic light starring at the road.
She let down her window.
"Everything ok?" Happy asked and opened the door: "You don't look good."
"I'm going to see my dad," she whispered.
"I should call Jax."
"No," Lucy barked and pulled the door shut again: "I'm fine."
"You sure?" He didn't seem convinced.
Lucy nodded and slowly rolled the car forward.
Happy shrugged and then walked back to his bike. She waited for him to get back on it and didn't start driving until she had the feeling he was ready to go.

"Hey sweetheart." Her dad smiled when he saw her but his smile looked just as fake as the one she was giving him at the exact same moment.
"Oh daddy," she stepped forward and fell into his arms. He smelled like he had always smelled and she hugged him so tight it hurt. She couldn't stop the tears from falling so she buried her face even deeper into his chest. They stood there for a few short moments until a guard asked them to separate. Lucy shot him a venomous look. He father tried to play it cool but she knew he didn't want to let go any more than she did. They both settled into their seats opposite of each other. Lucy had so much to say but she didn't know where to start. She still didn't know why her father had done what he had but it was probably best not to talk about it the first time she finally saw him.
"How are you daddy? Are they treating you well?" She asked and looked around the place. The thought that she would never see her father outside these walls ever again made her sick to her stomach. She tried to swallow the sour taste but that didn't make it any better.
"It's fine baby. I worry about you." he smiled weakly.
Lucy took his hand into his: "I'm doing fine daddy. I really am."
"I'm so sorry for what I have done to you," he buried his face in his hands and started sobbing. Lucy didn't know what do to. She had never seen her father cry like this. He seemed weak and helpless. That worried her. SAMCRO had many enemies inside and she needed him to be the strong, powerful and intimidating man she knew he could be.
She leaned forward and lowered her voice so no one but him could hear her: "Daddy, you need to get out of this hole your digging yourself. I can't be out here knowing you are fighting inner daemons. I need you to be strong, just like you've always been." She paused and made sure that he was looking directly into her eyes: "I never want to see you like this ever again. You hear me?"
He father starred at her with his eyes wide open for a second, then he wipe away what was left of his tears and straightened himself. Lucy nodded and leaned back into her chair.
"I know you won't like it. But I put the house up on the market. It probably won't sale for much but it'll be enough for a small apartment and living expenses until I can find a job," Lucy explained.
"I already talked to Clay. They'll take care of you. Didn't he tell you?" her father said confused.
"I don't want their money. Actually I don't really want anything to do with them anymore."
"What the fuck are you talking about?" He sounded irritated. She could see that her words angered him.
"All that has happened, happened because of the club. I can't stand it. I need to put some distance between me and …"
"Shut it," her father interjected. He exhaled deeply, massaging his nasal bridge. They sat in silence for a second before he continued: "I don't know what this shit with blaming the club is about. But I won't have it. The club is our family. And while I am in here it's the only family you got. Your mother and I raised you to put family above all. To put your man above all. I won't have you trash that in front of me." His voice had a sharp edge to it and Lucy sat up straight to not feel like a little girl being scolded. Her mother had raised her to be a strong women, but never to be independent. For her it had always been important that Lucy knew her place in the hierarchic world they lived in. Her father expected her to behave just like her mother did when he was inside a few years back, however she wasn't just like her, she was also very much like him: strong-willed, fearless and vengeful. But she didn't dare say that out loud. Instead she sank into her chair again and lowered her head.
"Yes sir," she mumbled.
She held out her hands and he embraced them with his. He kissed her hands softly and pressed it against his cheek: "Don't push them away. Promise me."
Lucy nodded and promised him. She knew that she was lying to her father and felt horrible about bit. He would be asking Clay or Gemma or any of the boys if she had kept her promise the next time they'd come here to visit. She didn't care. What was he going to do?
They sat together for a little while longer until Lucy had to leave. She hugged him tightly and watched as he was guided out of her sight. She held back her tears until she reached the car. There she broke down sobbing. Her head rested against the steering wheel as tears streamed down her face. She couldn't calm herself down. It took her over twenty minutes to stop crying and another twenty to finally start the car. She was glad that Happy had parked on the other end of the lot and didn't see her brake down. She didn't want Jax to know how bad everything was for her.
On her way back to Charming she thought more about his message. It was breaking her heart that she drove straight home instead of to the garage where he was probably waiting for her. She knew Jax would feel the same way and probably console in some croweater later tonight but even that didn't change her mind. She needed to put distance between them no matter how much it hurt her.

Lucy had trouble falling asleep that night. She kept thinking about Jax and what he was doing. She thought about all the times they had spent in this bed together. She thought about the first time they did it and how much it actually sucked. Sometimes they still laughed about how awful it had been and then they would usually end up having the best sex as if they wanted to prove each other that it had gotten so much better over the years. Lucy thought about Jax' faithfulness. She didn't know if he had always been true to her but it didn't really matter to her. Gemma had once said to her: "It doesn't matter what your man does with other women. If you're the one he is returning to every time that's how you know he loves you." Jax had always returned to her. She never had any reason to doubt his love for her. She wiped away a tear that was rolling down her cheek. Maybe Jax wasn't buried deep into another women right now, maybe he was lying in bad just like her thinking about the times they had shared. She laughed because that thought was more than absurd. Jackson Teller would never lie in bed and cry over a women, not even her. She got up and walked downstairs into the kitchen. She poured herself a glass of tap water and took small sips as she walked upstairs again. She placed the glass on her nightstand and pushed the curtain away to check who was watching her tonight. Her eyes took a second to adjust to the dim light outside but then she saw him. He was sitting on his bike, the top of a cigarette glowing in the darkness. His shaggy blond hair was falling into his face and Lucy knew that he was starring directly at her. She had been wrong before. Jax wasn't fucking some skank on the other side of town. He was standing right there in front of her house making sure she was safe.

Thank you for reading. I'd love for you to leave a comment and tell me what you think about Lucy in this chapter! Is she doing the right think pushing every one away?
Next chapter is going to be tough one for Adult Lucy. Hopefully I will still get it done this weekend.