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Ch. 4 You Try to Picture the Perfect Life

(CLARE)

"No you're not leaving me," Eli growls but it's low and threatening. There's an emptiness in his eyes, a darkness there and I'm afraid he's going to hurt me.

"Eli stop this you're scaring me," I assert in a firm voice but gently place my hand on his face hoping to calm him down and it works. Eli lets out a breath, his posture relaxes and he lets me go.

"I'm sorry Clare; I didn't mean to scare you. Come on I'll take you home," he says taking my hand and pulling me to the car.

"Eli why'd you do that, behave like that? Snapping at everyone and getting so angry when I tried to leave?" I question when we're in the car. Eli has the steering wheel in his hands but releases it with a heavy sigh. He looks at his hands and then looks at me.

"I haven't been out with anyone in a long time, not since my last girlfriend died. We had an argument and she ran out, got hit by a car and when you said you were going to leave and turned to walk away that's what I saw. Julia getting hit by the car and I was afraid you'd get hit by a car. That probably sounds stupid and you must think I'm a horrible person, exploding the way I did," Eli says with an apologetic tone.

"No I don't think you're a horrible person I think you went through something tragic. I can understand how my trying to leave triggered that memory for you," I give him a gentle smile and put my hand on his arm. It doesn't exactly explain why he yelled and punched the guy that bumped into me. Never the less it was a big thing to share with me and he didn't have to. Eli smiles a little and starts the car, we drive to my house in silence and I'm surprised to see my dad's car when Eli parks out front.

"Sorry I ruined the date," Eli apologizes.

"You didn't, I had a very nice time for most of the evening. I guess I'll see you Monday?"

"Maybe we can try again? Something easy like lunch on Sunday? We can meet at The Dot," Eli proposes.

"Lunch would be nice, I'll see you at The Dot on Sunday let's say one o'clock?"

"Great, it's a date," Eli grins.

I smile and lean over giving him a chaste kiss then grab my purse and get out of the car. I walk to my front door and unlock it, the house is dark but Dad's car is here so I'm sure he's home. I relock the front door and go up the stairs to go to my room. Before I get into my room the door to my dad's room opens. I'm used to my dad bringing home women but the girl that comes out his room, dressed merely in one of my father's dress shirts, can hardly be called a woman. She can't be more than twenty, only a few years older than me and she's in my home sleeping with my forty year old father. I suppose Dad could be going through a midlife crisis but if he's going to do that can't he do it away from the house.

"You must be Clare, I'm Candy," she says extending her hand to me.

"Great my father is sleeping with a girl that can't be more than five years older than me and she has the name of a stripper! Definitely a midlife crisis," I think to myself but shake her hand to be polite as my father comes out of his room.

"I thought you had a date tonight," Dad comments.

"I don't sleep over at my dates houses. The only boys house I've ever slept at is Adam's," I remind him.

"Well I didn't think you'd be home, not this early anyway stay in your room we're not done yet," Dad tells me.

"I think I'll just go to Adam's," I reply having no desire to be around this woman let alone hear her and my father screwing.

"Good idea, you should probably stay the weekend. I invited Candy to stay the weekend," Dad informs me.

"Yeah and we won't be leaving the bed much," Candy giggles turning to my father and putting her hand at the side of his neck smashes their lips together.

"Oh gross," I gag silently and then notice something on her hand. I step over to look at it just as they pull out of the kiss.

"Have a nice weekend Clare, take some money if you need it," Dad tells me before walking back to his room.

"What are you doing with my mother's ring?" I exclaim grabbing Candy's hand.

"You're daddy gave it to me," she says pulling his hand back, "I can get anything I want from your daddy."

"You can fuck him all you want you can't have my mother's ring," I spit back at her grabbing her hand again and trying to pull the ring off. Candy slaps me across the face with her other hand and while I'm shocked from the slap she takes her hand back.

"Candy are you coming back?" Dad calls.

"Just a second," Candy coos back.

"Dad she hit me," I call into his room.

"She's making up stories, she's just jealous that I'm taking her daddy," Candy says into the room and then looks at me but keeps her voice loud enough for Dad to hear. "Don't worry Clarebear I won't take all your daddy's time, now you go run along and have fun at your little friend's house," Candy says with a smile and then looks at me with a more vicious look and lowers her voice. "I have him wrapped around my little finger, get in my way again and I'll make sure he sends you to boarding school."

With that she turns and goes back into my father's room, she closes the door and a tear runs down my face. I'm angry and hurt, I want to scream but instead I run, out the door and down the street. I start running to Adam's and then stop leaning on the wall of the closed drug store across the street from The Dot. That girl invaded my home and took my mother's ring and my father is blind to it because he's lost his mind or rather he's just thinking with the head between his legs. I don't really want to go to Adam's, I want to be with Fitz but he told me stay away. Right now I don't care I know I can get there through the park, the entrance Fitz brought me out of that very first day. I turn and start running for the park; I get there and start running through it.

"Clare."

I ignore the person calling my name and keep running; only he happens to be a star athlete and easily catches up to me grabbing me by the waist. Owen stops me from running but I can see the entrance to the storm drain, shrouded in dark and something moving in the shadow, I know it's Fitz in the shadow but I can't run to him now.

"Clare where are you going?" Owen questions.

"I was…just running, my dad brought a girl home and I do mean a girl she was maybe twenty. And get this her name is Candy! She was wearing my mother's ring and threatened me not to get in the way of what she wants. She even hit me and then told my dad I made it up and he didn't seem to care just wanted me gone so he could screw her," I blurt it all out to Owen but he's here and I couldn't exactly explain running to the storm drain. "What are you doing at the park so late anyway?" I question.

"General juvenile delinquency, come on I'll take you to Adam's," Owen says releasing my waist but taking my hand. "I'll see you guys I'm going to drop her at the Torres house," Owen tells the group he was with. I recognize all of them from DeGrassi all though I know very few by name. They're all on a sports team, some from the football team, others from the wrestling team and a few from the lacrosse team. They all wave or say goodbye to Owen and we go over to his car. "I know Bianca's staying there too but you guys have both spent the night there before," Owen comments as we begin driving and I nod. He parks at the Torres house and gets out with me as we both walk to the basement entrance.

"Hey guys," Drew remarks when he sees us come in, his eyebrow arched I suppose because he's wondering why Owen and I came together.

"Found her walking here," Owen tells them and I give him a smile for not telling them I was running through the park.

"You staying over?" Adam questions.

"If that's okay?"

"Of course it is," Adam smiles.

"You want the bed?" Bianca asks.

"No the sofa is fine," I reply sitting on the sofa.

"I'll see you guys, I should be getting home," Owen waves.

"Thanks Owen," I smile and he waves leaving through the basement.

"So who hit you?" Bianca questions when Owen is gone and the Torres brothers look at me.

"How'd you know?"

"One side of your face is three shades redder than the other," Bianca says. I tell them all about Candy. "What a bitch," Bianca exclaims when I'm done.

"I'm sure your dad will come around he's just horny," Drew assures me.

"Yeah," I nod but I'm not so sure.

They're watching a movie and I finish watching it with them. When it's over Adam turns off the TV and looks at me.

"So how was your date?"

"It was great, at first."

"Uh oh that doesn't sound good," Adam comments.

"We went to a great little Indian place, had a nice dinner with nice conversation. Eli and I share a lot in common and we talked about our favorite movies, we share a lot of the same ones. After dinner we went to another restaurant where they had live music and we had dessert. We ate dessert enjoying each other's company and then we got up to dance. The dance floor was fairly small and lots of people were dancing, still everything was okay until a man bumped into me, he didn't say he was sorry, he didn't say anything and I chose to ignore it but Eli went nuts. He yelled at the guy and punched him then dragged me out of there. He was still yelling and he was scaring me, I told him if he couldn't calm down then I was leaving. He stopped yelling but he grabbed me and pushed me to the wall. He told me I couldn't leave him."

"What a freak," Bianca chimes in before I can go any farther.

"I told him he was scaring me, touched his face and he calmed down. He apologized and we got in the car so he could take me home. I asked him why he reacted the way he did and he gave me a reason for not wanting me to leave."

"Which was what?" Adam asks.

"Something personal for him I don't think I can share but I did understand. Still as much as I like him there's something truly frightening about him. He was sorry though and I promised to give him another chance, we have a lunch date at The Dot on Sunday," I tell them.

"Put on another movie I'm not tired yet," Bianca says and Drew puts on another movie.

I sit back watching the movie but my mind is filled with thoughts and I can't really concentrate.

(FITZ)

"Aren't you usually out watching your friends?" Doc asks after dinner.

"Bianca's sleeping at Drew's and Owen is out with some of his football friends, they went out after practice," I reply.

"And Clare? I know you haven't given up watching her," Doc says.

"On a date, with Eli," I sigh.

Doc stands putting his hand on my shoulder in a comforting way, "It's for the best Fitz. Let her move on; she needs to be with a boy in her world, one that she can really be with."

"Yeah I know I know that's what she deserves but I wish it didn't hurt like this. I'm going to my room," I tell him getting up.

"There's a concert tonight you want to come?" Mary asks when I pass her and a group of others on the way to my room. Mary is even older than Doc, she's been down here for nearly twenty years, she's one of the originals. Her husband died and a few months later her daughter became ill. By the time her daughter died she had nothing left, she couldn't pay the hospital bills and the bank took her house. Doc said she was very sad when she first began living down here but you'd never know it now she's always smiling.

"Not tonight, you all have fun enjoy the concert," I tell them smiling as much as I can.

They'll walk through the tunnels to Massey hall, it's very old and there's an old crawlspace where we often go and listen to concerts. You can hear the music like you were on stage and no one ever knows you're there.

"Fitz can we read more of The Count of Monte Cristo?" Michael asks coming out of his room. Michael is about twelve, no one is sure of his exact age because he was abandoned as a baby and he's lived here as his life. He's a sweet kid and he likes when I read to him but I'm not in the mood tonight.

"Not tonight."

"Please we left off at a really great part, just a little I want to know what happens," he begs.

"Alright come on, just for a bit," I give in hoping it will distract me.

Michael runs ahead to my room, he sits on my bed and I get down the book. I start reading to him and he listens intently, I read one chapter and he urges me to go on so I begin reading again but then I stop. Clare is afraid I can feel her fear and I sit up setting the book down.

"Fitz are you okay?" Michael asks just as Clare's fear begins to subside.

"Yes but that's enough for tonight we'll continue another time," I tell him and he nods leaving my room.

I lie back on my bed, Clare's fear is gone and I can't feel her anymore. What worries me though is not just that she was afraid but that her fear seemed to come from Eli. I stay in my room a while but then Clare is angry and after that she's sad, very sad. I know I'm supposed to stay away but I feel that she needs me; I even know where she's going I can sense it. I don't know how I know or how I can feel her but I can, we're connected somehow and however we're connected I'm grateful for it.

I run to the old storm drain in the park, the one where I brought her out a few nights ago, the night we met. I see her running for me and then I see Owen, he must have been in the park and seen her running. He catches her easily and she stops, I watch them a moment, she looks at me, well she looks into the shadows where I'm standing. Owen has her so she's in good hands now and I know he'll make sure she's safe. I still follow them, he takes her to the Torres house and I watch from the darkness for a short while before I go home.

It takes me a while to fall asleep but when I do I have a dream about me and Clare. We're together and I wasn't burned or scarred, I go to school with her and my friends. I can hold her and even kiss her, hang out with my friends, take Clare on a date and be a normal kid. The dream starts out wonderful but then it becomes a nightmare, just as Clare and I are really happy my scars return and the burns, Clare screams and runs to Eli and I run to the shadows.

I wake up breathing hard and sweating, telling myself it was only a dream but I know Clare and I can never be. I can't be a part of that world again, she will never be with me, my friends, the world above won't accept me and neither will my friends. I can't sleep anymore so I get up, night is when the city becomes mine, there are so many shadows at night it's easier to hide. No one really looks at you at night, especially if you look threatening and with my hood up I always look threatening. I walk through the city, lie in the park looking at the stars, feel the wind on my face and just before dawn I go to the Torres house. The curtains are closed and I can't see Clare but it doesn't matter. When the sun moves I go into the shadows, there's a tree in the yard, a big one with lots of leaves and it's easy for me to climb and hide.

I spend most of the day watching the Torres house, once they open the curtain I can see right into the Torres basement. They watch TV for most of the morning and when Owen comes by around noon they play video games. I watch into the evening but Clare is sleeping there again and I need to eat and to sleep so when it's safe I climb down and head home. I'm starving and eat a lot before crashing in my bed and sleeping all through the night, in a deep and happy sleep. Waking up late Sunday morning, starving again so I go to the kitchen for breakfast, it's not a real kitchen of course we don't have gas hook ups or anything down here. We cook the old fashioned way with fire and pots. We have some great cooks though.

After eating I go to the Torres house to see Clare but she's just leaving. She walks to The Dot and I follow her through the alley ways and backroads. Watching her from the woods that border the ravine I see her go into the café and kiss Eli. He grins and pulls out her chair and they sit down, it's obviously a date and I while I worry about him hurting her I doubt he'd so anything in a café full of people. I would stay and watch but watching her with him is painful. The way she looks at him, the way she smiles when he talks, brushes her curls back and bites her lip. I can't bear to watch so I go through the ravine and back home. Friday night she was afraid but this time I don't feel any fear from her. I do feel something though, trepidation I think, she's not afraid but something about Eli still worries her.

After dinner I go out to find her, when I don't find her at home I go to the Torres house knowing I'll find her there. She must be sleeping over again, Bianca also seems to be and they're all watching movies or TV again. I stay in the shadows until after I'm sure everyone is in bed. Then I tap very softly on the sliding glass door, a few times until I hear movement and then I hide in case Bianca comes to the door. When the curtain is pulled back and I see Clare I step into the light so she can see me. She smiles and holds her finger up to tell me one moment. I step back into the shadows and wait a few moments; it's not the basement door that opens but the one at the top of the cement stairs.

"Fitz?" She calls in a whisper as she runs down the stairs in a coat, pajama bottoms and no shoes.

"I'm here," I say from the shadows and she runs to me embracing me tightly.

"You are here, I thought I might be dreaming," she says against my chest. Her arms feel so good around me and my eyes close enjoying the feel of her arms around me. I embrace her back, I know I shouldn't because I won't want to let her go but I embrace her back. "I knew you didn't mean it when you said I wouldn't see you anymore. I knew you'd be back, I knew you still cared."

"I never said I didn't care but it's best if our worlds stay apart. I told you I'd be watching but you can't come looking for me, I'll always watch you and keep from danger and that's why I'm here. Friday night, you were afraid, I felt it you were scared of Eli," I tell her pulling her away from me a little but I don't release her from my embrace yet.

"He…overreacted a little that's all. He calmed down after a few minutes and he felt really bad for scaring me," she tells me.

"Why were angry? And sad you became very sad later that night," I comment.

"My father brought home a new girl, I do mean a girl. She couldn't have been more than twenty and her name was Candy. If all that wasn't bad enough she was wearing my mother's ring. I tried to take it back and she slapped me. She told me she get whatever she wanted from him and told me she'd have me sent to boarding school. I hate her, I want her gone. I know my father brings home women before and no relationship has ever lasted more than a few months. No other woman has ever been threatening before or taken things from my father before either. I spent all weekend here just avoid them."

"I'm sorry Clare, your father cares about you and he loves you. I'm sure he'll see that this woman is no good for him. Stay at Adam's as long as you can at least I know you're safe here," I tell her.

"Fitz please you aren't going to stay away just watching me from the shadows," she begs.

"I have to."

"Says who?

"I risked too much bringing you to my home, besides you don't belong there. This is your world, you shine in the light you weren't meant to hide in the shadows," I tell her and then hear the sliding glass door open.

"Clare?" Bianca calls.

"Just getting some air," Clare calls back stepping away from me and turning into the light so Bianca can see her.

"When you need me I'll be there," I tell Clare. I step back and turn, running through the yard and hoping over the neighbor's fence.

"Wait," Clare whispers turning into the darkness again but I'm already gone.

I watch through the neighbor's fence as Clare walks back inside with Bianca. I don't go home however; I go to Clare's and find her father's room. I've learned to move very quietly and can see quite well in the dark. I open his bedroom door quietly and see the shape of a woman in his bed. I also see one ring on her finger and nothing on either nightstand. It's not a very expensive ring, there's no jewel in it, it seems to be a band of silver with a design on it. That must be the ring Clare spoke of, moving carefully in the room I go to the side this Candy is sleeping on. Although Clare's father is snoring pretty loud and seems to be covering the sounds of my movements anyway, he sleeps with an arm around Candy and she appears to have earplugs in. I kneel down and gently put my fingers under Candy's, gently pinching the ring between my thumb and index finger I glide the ring off. Very very carefully so that I don't wake her, she stirs a couple of time but never wakes up and I get the ring.

Disappearing as quickly as I came I quietly leave the room and then the house. I go home and to my room but only for a moment, I have an old necklace on my wall. I found it a few months ago and repaired it, I've never worn it not even sure why I kept it but I'm glad I did. I put the ring on it and go through the boiler room to the school. I find Clare's locker and after watching her so much I know her locker combo and I open her locker. I hang the chain with the ring on it inside her locker and close it again, turning the lock. Clare will find it in the morning and just thinking about the smile she'll have on her face makes me happy.

Update on Monday with Clare getting to school and Clare's life is upset by a rash decision.