ANNOUNCEMENT: I'm moving, not states again just to a better house in the same city. However moving means packing and that's on top of work so I've had to rearrange the schedule a little. See the DeGrassi Saviors website for the full schedule but here's the basics ~
*Beginning tomorrow (February 13th) it will be wild card shots until the end of the month is wild card shots. I won't be posting every day because I need time to pack and still working full time. I will pick shots to work on and post them as their done.
*March will be short story month and then one shot week before regular schedule resumes.
*April is still tax season so the regular schedule will resume but chapters for the couple of weeks will likely be short.
Remember to check my page on the DeGrassi Saviors website for the full schedule.
Ch. 15 I Wish for a World Where We Can Be Free
(CLARE)
"I'll be here to pick you up as soon as school is out," Mom says dropping us off Monday morning.
"Stay I'll get your wheelchair," Drew says getting out of the minivan.
It's my first day back at school since the accident. My friends saw me at the welcome home/adoption party on Saturday but no one else from school has. I have an appointment with the doctor after school and hopefully will get the cast off my arm. They said the one on my leg won't be coming off until early December. At least I shouldn't need the wheelchair too much longer.
"How are we going to get me up the stairs?" I inquire.
"There's a ramp at the garden entrance," Adam says getting out and grabbing my backpack.
Drew gets my wheelchair just as Owen comes over and they help me out of the van and into the chair. Bianca's here too and every walks with us as Owen pushes my wheelchair. Kids in the yard start pointing and whispering. The crash was big news in the high school yard and I already knew people were talking about it. And now they can see me and the cuts on my face and it's just fueling those rumor fires. I really am trying to ignore them but it isn't easy and I start to feel very subconscious. When we get inside however I can feel Fitz, I know he's close and he's watching and I feel good again.
Owen pushes me through the halls and the others stay with us. When we get to my locker Alli, Jenna, K.C. and Wes are there. They say hi and welcome me back to school and we talk a few minutes while Adam opens my locker and gets out books since I can't reach my locker from the wheelchair. When the bell rings Adam puts our backpacks on the back of the wheelchair as before he wheels us to homeroom. Being back at school wasn't weird but being in homeroom is.
Eli was in this class with us, I look at his empty desk and the crash comes back. Eli used to sit at the desk and smile at me, make plans for us and then he tried to kill us so I wouldn't be with Fitz. I don't remember the crash itself really but I remember watching Eli heading straight for the brick wall. I remember the terrified feeling in the pit of my stomach and the thought that I was going to die. Adam puts my hand on his hand on my shoulder and I look at him.
"Are you okay?" Adam asks.
"Yeah it's just weird not having Eli at the desk and remembering what he did."
"He can't ever hurt you again or anyone," Adam reminds me.
"I know he's still in the hospital and in a coma and if he wakes up he'll probably never walk again. It doesn't change what he did though," I reply as the bell rings and Mrs. Dawes begins teaching.
When class ends Adam wheels me to chemistry. Alli, Jenna, Connor, Wes, Hannah and K.C. are all in class already. My wheelchair doesn't reach the high table but with some help I'm able to get into the stool. Of course when class ends I need help out of the stool and back into the wheelchair but now it's lunch and Adam wheels me to the caf where Owen, Drew and Bianca are. We eat together and feel Fitz watching, I feel lots of other people watching us too. Not watching the way Fitz does but gawking at me and whispering. I only have a few visible cuts on my face and they're staring and whispering like I'm purple with 2 heads and 50 feet tall. I can only imagine what they'd do seeing Fitz who is covered in scars. I try an ignore them but it isn't easy. My friends and my brothers are with me all through lunch and keep anyone from approaching or talking to me about Eli or the accident.
"Come on we'll spend our spare under the bleachers at the far end of the soccer field," Owen tells me as the others leave for class.
"I don't think my chair can go on the grass," I comment.
"That's okay I'm a big strong man and I can carry you," Owen remarks and I shake my head but I'm smiling. He takes my chair to the edge of the grass at the back of school and then he picks me up. He carries me out to the bleachers and before we even reach them I know Fitz is nearby. He's sitting in the shadows under the bleachers and Owen puts me down in Fitz's lap. "Girlfriend delivery," Owen comments in a sarcastic tone as he sets me down and I giggle.
"Thanks Owen," I grin as he sits down near us.
"Hi Beautiful," Fitz smiles giving me a soft kiss, "how do you feel?"
"Happy to be in your arms," I smile relaxing into his arms and for the first time since getting to school not feeling like everyone is talking about me and gawking at me.
We stay under the bleachers until just before the bell and Owen says we need to return to school. Fitz kisses me goodbye and says he'll see me at my house this evening but of course he'll be watching us in last period. Owen carries me back to my chair and wheels me inside just as the bell rings and we head straight for media studies. Owen moves one of the chairs at the table where I sit so I can get my wheelchair in. Drew and Bianca are first in the class and Adam follows a moment later. My leg is beginning to hurt but I have a doctor's appointment right after school. I make it through class but we're just watching a movie.
"We have to get to practice, good luck at the appointment Sis I'll see you at home," Drew says kissing my cheek when we leave class. Owen waves and Adam and Bianca wheel me out to the parking lot through the garden entrance.
"I'm going to stay at watch Drew and Owen at practice," Adam tells Mom.
"I'll bring them both home after practice I promised to help Drew with math," Bianca tells Mom.
"We'll set an extra place for dinner. We need to get going to the appointment," Mom replies.
Adam and Bianca help me into the van and Mom puts the wheelchair in the back. Mom drives to the doctor's office and she gets my chair from the back before helping me into it. It's a while before the doctor sees me and I have an x-ray before he sees me.
"Your arm has healed nicely. I'm going to remove the cast but it won't be able to use it right away it's going to be very weak. You'll need to keep it in a brace for a few days and begin strengthening the muscles. I want you to see the physical therapist at least a couple of times but they will give you exercises to do at home. Okay let's get that cast off," he comments and he steps outside returning a moment later with a nurse. When he cuts the cast off my arm feels so weird. It almost doesn't feel like mine, it's only free for a moment as he puts a brace on it. "You'll need the brace on for a week at least probably more like two but it depends on how quickly it strengthens and you're able to use it. Make her an appointment with the physical therapist as soon as possible. Keep it in the brace if you try to use it too soon you could reinjure it."
"I'll be careful," I nod.
"She already has an appointment we have a trusted physical therapist our family uses," Mom tells him.
"Very good, come back in a couple of weeks and we'll see how your leg and arm are. Perhaps we can get you out of the wheelchair and onto crutches."
Mom thanks the doctor and he leaves the room. Before leaving Mom makes another appointment for me and then it's back in the minivan to get to the physical therapist.
"Drew and Adam both saw this physical therapist he's very good," Mom tells me while we're in the waiting room.
The physical therapist is nice and he gives me some exercises to do as well as strict instructions so that I don't overdo it. After that we go home and arrive only a few minutes before Drew, Bianca and Adam. We stay in the basement doing homework and Mom makes dinner. When Dad gets home we all eat downstairs since it's very hard for me to get up the stairs even with help. After dinner when Mom and Dad go upstairs for the night Fitz comes through the door and I smile when I see him.
"Hi Gorgeous, your cast is off I see. How does your arm feel?"
"Weak and it felt weird when the cast was off. I have to wear the brace for a couple of weeks until it's stronger and then I'll have crutches."
Fitz smiles and kisses my hand. Bianca is sleeping over and Fitz helps me to bed with some help from Bianca. Fitz stays under his hood until the curtain in my room is closed.
"No take off your shirt I want to sleep next to your skin," I request when he gets into bed. He's already turned off the light and he still grumbles a little but he takes off his hoodie and his shirt. I kiss his lips gently and nuzzle against him with my head on his chest.
"I wish you could stay with me here always, that you didn't have to hide from my parents."
"Me too," Fitz whispers just before I fall asleep.
He's gone before I wake up, I used to feel him get out of bed and kiss my forehead before he left. Now I sleep through it, I hardly even feel his lips on my skin in my sleep. But when the bed is cold, when I no longer hear his heartbeat, feel his warmth or the silky roughness of his scarred skin I wake up. I look at the bed and wish he was here with me, wish that he didn't have to run and hide back in the shadows and the darkness, from my parents and prying eyes and harsh whispers of people that don't know what a beautiful heart lies under the scarring.
Even by Friday the whispers and the pointing at my scars or comments about the crash haven't stopped. At least I can spend the weekend hiding at home. Mom and Dad are home a lot over the weekend but Fitz still comes over and stays each night. He shows up whenever Mom and Dad go to bed or when they're out, when they're back or when it's dawn Fitz disappears. Back to the darkness before there's any chance of him being caught.
Returning to school Monday the whispers have died down, the staring and comments have nearly ceased. Some people are still doing it though; I guess they have nothing better to do. Even at school I'm happiest when Fitz is watching, I can feel him watching and I smile. A secret smile, a smile meant only for him but people notice the smile. I see it in their eyes; I see how their curiosity is piqued by the delighted smile on my lips. Only a few people know why I smile the way I do and when I do.
Tuesday is Halloween and a lot of people are in costume when we get to school but we're not. We're skipping the dance tonight and staying in to watch movies. I couldn't dance anyway and this way Fitz can be with me all night.
"At least you won't need a costume at the dance tonight," Marisol laughs when we get to school.
"Shut up Marisol or I'll staple your mouth shut. Besides we have way better things to do than to go to the dance," Bianca snaps back.
Nothing much happens at school, people are either excited for the dance or whatever trouble they plan for tonight. There's no football practice today because of the dance so the five of us leave as soon as school is out. Mom is here to pick us up, I have to ride in the van but Owen follows us home and Drew rides with Bianca.
"We're going to watch movies and order pizza, just hang out you won't need to check on us all night," Adam tells Mom.
"Alright have fun but it is a school night," Mom reminds us.
"Owen and Bianca can stay the night. Owen and I will sleep down here in case Clare needs help and B can take my room," Drew says.
"Okay just don't stay up too late you all have school tomorrow," Mom says before going upstairs. When the upstairs door is closed Fitz comes through the sliding glass door. While he greets me with a kiss Adam closes the curtains and Drew turns on the TV.
"I think we should get you out of this chair so I can hold you on the sofa," Fitz comments lifting me from the wheelchair and puts me on the sofa holding me in his arms.
We watch a bunch of scary movies but they're all classics, scary but not so scary at the same time. The scariest thing is Adam's phone ringing at a suspenseful part of the movie.
"Uh hang on," Adam says taking the phone outside.
Drew pauses the movie and people use the opportunity to use the washroom, including me. I use it last since it's such a hassle for me to use it and takes so long. I hear them talking when I'm in the washroom but I don't hear what they're saying. The talking ceases when I call for one of the boys to come get me from the washroom.
"Who was on the phone?" I ask Adam while Fitz sits with me in his lap on the sofa again.
"Eli's awake and he's asking for you," Adam tells me.
I grip Fitz's shirt and turn my head into him, I don't want to see Eli ever again. Not after what he tried to do, what it cost.
"You don't have to see him, not ever," Fitz assures me.
"Can we finish the movie now?" I request quietly and Drew starts the movie again.
I try to put Eli out of my mind, not to think of him, not to think of what he did or that he's asking for me. I try to enjoy the movie but it's hard and it puts a dark and sad tone on the rest of the night. We stop watching movies a little after midnight, Fitz carries me to the washroom and Bianca helps me get ready for bed. Fitz carries me to the bed; he brushes his teeth and returns to the bed. I hold him when he's in the bed, clinging to his shirt. I hold Fitz, I feel his arms around me, breathe his scent but I can't get the image of Eli from my mind. Not just the image of Eli but his face that night while we were in the car and heading for the wall. Eli's eyes filled with hateful determination, the calm malice in him as he was so sure his plan to kill us would keep us together forever.
"What's wrong?" Fitz asks in a soft whisper. He must know that sleep is elusive.
"I can't stop thinking of Eli."
"Do you want to go seen him?" Fitz asks.
"No I don't ever want to see him again but I can't get his face out of my mind. His face that night, in that moment just before we hit the wall, it's all I can think about and I can't sleep."
"Eli can't hurt you again. I'm here and you're safe. Think about something else, think about something that makes you happy."
"You make me happy. I want to be with you."
"You are with me," he laughs.
"No I mean I want to be with you. Without hiding, without sneaking around, without you disappearing when it's dawn."
"I know I want that too. I'm sorry that we can't, does it bother you?"
"It bothers me sure, I hate that you hide, I hate that I can't introduce you to my parents. I wish I could bring you to school and we could go out on a date but none of that changes how I feel about you."
Fitz sighs a little and strokes my hair, "Close your eyes and I'll tell you a story."
"Okay but it better be a good story to get Eli's face from my mind."
"Once there was a very beautiful girl with light brown hair and enchanting blue eyes," Fitz begins and I smile.
"Does she get saved by a brave but mysterious boy?" I ask.
"Now who's telling this story? Quiet and close your eyes or you'll never get to sleep," Fitz insists.
"Sorry."
"This beautiful girl was named Clare and she lived in a quiet house in the woods with a boy who loved her more than anything in the world," Fitz says and I nod sleepily. He continues talking and telling me a wonderful fairytale about us. I fall asleep to this fairy tale and wish it were real.
I know it was on the short side and I'm sorry but the update will be Thursday Mach 3rd. I'll probably jump ahead a little and we are coming to the end of this story.